I was betrayed by my husband. He didn't cheat, but its left me with similar feelings, because it certainly blurred the lines, too close for any comfort. I'm feeling a bit traumatized by the whole ordeal (mostly because of his actions/ inactions), I'm humiliated, I feel like a fool, my soul is crushed, heart is broken. I'm pissed and full of rage when I think about it too long. He has shit boundaries and he lied to me and now there is a big gaping hole where trust used to be and I'm angry about it.
When this all came to a head and I could no longer let shit fly, we had a blowup. I didn't expect him to "get it" right then and there. I mean for the love of god one of his plea deals was "you act like I cheated." When again its a very very fine line. And he's right he didn't cheat, he didn't sleep with anyone, and it wasn't an emotional affair, but it feels like it in the most basic and painful ways. Still, and I cannot explain why, I felt good about the conversation in between the fighting. I had my foot in the door as he was FINALLY willing to hear me out with less resistance and though we fought and nothing was resolved that night, I actually saw a smidgen of hope.
So, I went back for more. I was met with resistance, he gave me excuse after excuse, justification after justification, and was steadfast in his stubbornness and cruelty while I was steadfast in calling out his bullshit. I have to admit that it does nothing for the unremorseful to go round and round with me, he tailspinned in his inability to own his shit while I stepped back and gladly watched him crash. It actually hurt to witness but it was necessary.
I am in a unique position full of understanding and compassion for those who are faced with their shitty choices. I understand much about it and also that a catalyst is often required for a wake up leading to real and sustainable change.
His catalyst was me leaving, it wasn’t planned or used for this purpose. We ended up in our first ever screaming match for no good reason other than he couldn't handle the pain I was suffering at his hands and I broke. The only thing I was yelling over his yelling was "its not bullshit to me" over and over until something switched, not by my own doing, my body literally shut down. I was void of any emotion in an instant.
I stopped yelling, I was no longer angry, sad, or anxious. I didn't feel anything on the opposite spectrum either. No happiness, no laughter, no love. I simply said I will not be here when you get home, I'm staying at this hotel tonight, I need space. I went home on my lunch break to pack a bag and as I was walking through the kitchen I looked up at the calendar and dammit I realized I couldn't leave. I had responsibilities at home with the kids, it was graduation. So instead I went outside and smashed some old plates against a brick wall. I didn't talk to him for the rest of the day.
That evening when I returned home from work he was already there (I always beat him home) and his entire demeanor was changed. He humbled himself and asked what can he do to help fix this. Honestly, I was pissed. Going back to me being an understanding person in these situations, I was, I am! but I was still mad. Mad that it took ME reaching MY breaking point before he saw the seriousness at hand... Whatever.
We had our first conversation about what happened. A real conversation. No defensiveness from him, he listened and I felt heard. He validated my feelings. Even when my anger came through and I got a little mean delivering some hard truths, he didn't match me, he just let me vent. I've triggered a few times since that conversation and other good conversations, he has handled them so well. I can feel myself breathing deeper.
We are getting there. Thats the point. And it truly does feel that we are on good grounds to start making some sense of it all. I'm willing to give it a go. The thing is, I still don't have any emotions when I think about it or him. I get gut feelings when I trigger or something doesn't sit right. But, in my heart, nothingness. He is aware that my love is conditional at the moment, and that I'm experiencing a loss of emotions altogether.
Is this the polf? It worries me but at the same time it feels liberating to not be bogged down in my pain. I've made some personal progress in this space without the influence of feelings, just straight thinking and its helpful.
But all this thinking has left me with questions that I don't have the answers for.
Its mind melting really. I swear I'm going to have the emotional intelligence of a super human when its all said and done. Like next level enlightened monk shit. I could laugh if it weren’t so tragic.
So here's the thing, I know a thing or two about the work as a WS. But I don't know where to begin as a BS, if you recall my past experience I didn't get the chance to R with my ex. So I didn't do any R work. And I'm not talking about Survival 101 (thats been established) more like Coping 202.
Because all I can think about is all the never will be's. The never again's. The no more's. It feels that bleak.
I have to start somewhere and I'm interested in what the work looks like coping with the betrayal, AND more than that, coping with the knowledge this person has fucked me over.
A few things that are weighing on me at the moment,
How do I get past letting him touch me and kiss me without recoiling? How do you work through that? Some days are better than others. Sometimes all I can think about is the ways he has let me down, hurt me, emotionally abused me, and my whole body screams "WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM TOUCH YOU?!"
How do you lay in their arms at night and cope with the relentless thoughts that this person, YOUR person let you down in the biggest way? One minute I'm snuggled up to him, then the wave of thoughts come and next thing I know I'm as far as I can get on the other side of the bed. Unable to even let him rest a hand on me.
I participated in HB for a couple of days after the screaming match and catalyst. But since then I haven't had the faintest desire. Even that fell into the void. I want it back. I want our sex life back. It was wonderful and important to me. The chemistry was unexplainable and now I can't imagine a world where it will ever be the same. I'm THAT gutted by his actions. What have you done to recover that? Is it even possible? Because in this moment I feel our sexual connection is severed completely. That pisses me off too.
We haven't had sex since then, he is being patient and understanding. Saying he doesn't want it if its not genuine and he's happy to wait. I don't know how to make my body respond in that way. Is it just one of those things you have to jump back in the saddle again, get in there and the rest follows? So frustrating.
How do I kick start my heart? Polf, does it resolve on its own? Do I have to actively work to get off that ride?
And TRIGGERS! Unfortunately I am faced with a permanent trigger.. a walking, breathing, live-action trigger. A family friend (his people) that there is no getting rid of. Limited sure but not completely. I have to face her sometimes... I could scream. His behavior towards her has changed BUT ONLY AFTER I GOT PISSED ABOUT IT and had to explain to the very last detail why it goes against us. Is it his new boundary in place or the one that feels like I'm forcing on him? How do I know?
How do you convince yourself of anything?!
I want to see where this goes, because if his work looks anything like mine did, it would restore that loss of security. I realize that I have to heal from his shit too for this to work. And I'm willing to put in the effort, I just don't know how.