Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Timewilltell44

General :
How to deal with an OC

This Topic is Archived
default

 P0ppy (original poster new member #82913) posted at 7:31 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

In December I found out my husband had an affair and she was pregnant. It had ended months before I found out but now baby is here and i am trying to navigate someone else giving my son a sibling before i could.

I don't know what i want to do, if i should stay or go. Has anyone navigated this successfully? I keep seing refernce to a thread about pregnancy from affairs but can't find it.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2023
id 8791438
default

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 7:48 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

The thread you’re asking about is in the I Can Relate forum.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/612814/dealing-with-oc/?ap=261

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1894   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8791440
default

ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 10:43 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

There's no right or wrong answer, POppy. We've seen some BS's who stay and some who go. Some accept the OC in their WS's life and some do not. What's your inclination right now? Is your WH taking action to make himself a safe partner for you?

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7017   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8791483
default

emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 10:50 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

I'm so sorry Poppy. I can't imagine anything more painful than having a constant reminder of my spouse's A around, in human form on the regular.

What is your current situation? Is the A over? Are you and your husband trying to reconcile? Is your husband inclined to be a part of the OC's life? Are you? What is his relationship with the OW like?

As Bluer pointed out, there is a specific thread for people dealing with this specific issue on the I Can Relate forum. The posters there are best equipped to discuss how they've handled things.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2031   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8791485
default

 P0ppy (original poster new member #82913) posted at 2:08 PM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

Thank you for the thread and advice.

The affair was over prior to us knowing about the baby. There has been NC with either of them.

We are both in IC and in MC and he is trying very hard. He wants tobe a good Dad as much as possible to the OC. I don't want the OC to suffer or miss out in any way but i don't want the AP in my life. But as the OC is a newborn baby I don't see a way around it except leaving

posts: 17   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2023
id 8791832
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:44 PM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

Has a paternity test been taken? Have YOU seen the results?

What work is he doing on himself to become a safe partner?

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791833
default

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 6:40 PM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

A key piece of advice offered on this site regarding OC is that paternity needs to be medically proven.
It’s not enough that she claims it’s his child, or that he thinks it’s his child. A DNA test is relatively inexpensive, non-intrusive and reliable, and only when that shows with over 99% reliability that your husbands the dad does he accept his repsonsiblity.

This needs to be done soon. Like NOW.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12291   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8791845
default

fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 12:09 AM on Sunday, May 21st, 2023

Poppy

I would second, third, fourth, the advice to get a paternity test done before making any other decisions. It's great that your WH wants to be a good dad to the OC but that doesn't mean that you have to participate. If at a later date you are OK with such things, then discuss again.

Speaking only for myself (there is an OC in our situation as well), I know that I DO NOT want that in my life. If WH wanted a relationship he was free to do so, but not with me by his side. There is NO way you can truly keep that relationship separate from yours with WH. If he gets some amount of custody, is he to spend time with the child at a different home? If he simply visits with OC, is he forbidden to tell you about it? Will he be able to talk to you about OC at all? Are you OK with OW in WH's life for years to come because of OC? There are so many questions to answer. And your comfort level is paramount. Yes, the OC is innocent, certainly never asked to be born from infidelity, but OC is not your responsibility and you should not feel guilt if you want nothing to do with OC.

My WH once asked me if I might feel differently in a few years. I shut that down quick. Because if he was staying with me with the hope that some day he might be able to form a relationship with OC and keep me then he was staying for the wrong reason. I was afraid he would end up resenting me because of it. He assured me that that was not the case. He would always choose me over OC. Does it suck for OC to not have his bio dad in the picture? Absolutely, but it is what it is and I do not for one second feel guilt over it. In fact, I'm 100% sure that even if I had left my WH and he was free to be with OW or have a relationship with OC he wouldn't. He doesn't make those kinds of connections. They would have to do ALL of the work if they wanted him in their lives at all.

Anyway, I hope you are taking care of yourself. Infidelity sucks and an OC is another level of hell you have to walk through. Be kind to yourself and listen to your heart. You know what is best for you and what you can endure.

posts: 433   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8791871
default

Dandylion ( new member #81112) posted at 5:55 AM on Sunday, May 21st, 2023

Dealing with an OC is a long haul, a life-time. Your husband and the OW will have to co-parent through the years. As the child grows, the responsibilities of co-parenting takes more time, not to mention more financial responsibilities. You would be caught in this web whether you like it or not. Are you ready for that? Good luck in your decision. I’m sorry you found yourself in this tough predicament.

Dandylion

posts: 15   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8791882
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 12:48 PM on Sunday, May 21st, 2023

You said OC was innocent. Let's not forget that you,and your children, are innocent as well.

Asking you to accept,love,and bring the OC into your home,for the rest of your life,is a lot to expect. And it's ok if it's too much.

The OW will be a constant.

Let's also not forget that OW knew he was married. She chose to get pregnant (there's all kinds of ways to prevent that),by a man who is married with children. And,now,she is expecting all of the "luxuries" that come with being a wife. She will expect to be treated respectfully by you. She had no problem helping your husband destroy his marriage,and now will expect a permanent position in his life..and yours.

It's ok to tell him you can not deal with it.

Damn. There are 2 kinds of BS I feel the most sorry for. Those with an OC,and those who have to deal with the AP as a stepparent.

Part of that is because of the was society pushes the BW to be ok with the OC/OW being in her life. You're told if you try to R,you have to accept, and love the child as your own. But,you do have options. No one else has to live your life but you.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791892
default

Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 1:00 PM on Sunday, May 21st, 2023

Poppy,

Listen to Hellfire. Do what is in your and your children’s best interest.

Sending a hug. What an awful situation!

posts: 132   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8791893
default

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 3:21 PM on Sunday, May 21st, 2023

Well… based on what P0ppy shares we don’t know that the OW knew the BH was married.
Not that it changes much though… SHE didn’t cheat on P0ppy, but P0ppy’s husband did.

Shortly before I met my present wife, I fathered a child after a one-night stand. No infidelity, but no intention of being together beyond that single night. The child was born when my wife and I had been dating for six months, and we both thought our relationship had a future. The news threw a spanner into that process…

However – no infidelity. A key-factor. Childs mom and I were amicable and even grew to become friends – as did the mom and my wife – but there was always a distance to be maintained. I took care to be seldom (if ever) alone with the mom and my wife always knew of any plans to visit the child. As the child grew older it became more of a drop-off situation where the mom might come for a coffee before saying bye to the kid.

I have to say this though:
As a father and as a MAN I am accountable for my actions. Had the mom only wanted financial help I would have offered that. I wanted to be a bigger part in the child’s life and the mom accepted that, so I was. In all honesty had my present wife demanded I ignore the child, try to avoid financial support or anything of that nature… my conclusion would have been to end my relationship with her. Honorable people assume their responsibilities.

It's definitely not easy. For the first years the child is very dependent on the mom, but with time that dependency decreases and possible to establish a relationship where interaction is minimal. If your husband is working on discovering why he felt entitled to have an affair and if he’s working at making you feel safe then this is a manageable situation IMHO.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12291   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8791917
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:52 PM on Sunday, May 21st, 2023

OP said it was an affair. Not a ONS.

In today's world, women can no longer pretend to be naive,and say they didn't know a man was married. Social media, google,etc. Add in the tell tale signs of not being invited to his home,seeing him only when he can get away,not being able to call when they want,not meeting the man's family, etc. Any reasonably intelligent woman can see the signs of a married man.

And,yes,it can be manageable. That doesn't mean it's not extremely difficult, and painful for the BW. It doesn't mean it ever gets easier to interact with the OW.

Graduations,weddings, grandchildren, hospital stays,etc. No matter how old your children are, you will have a lifetime of running into the other parent.

Huge difference between infidelity, and conceiving a child when both are single.

It's interesting that,when it's a WW who is pregnant by the OM(proven), her BH is encouraged to divorce,because raising another man's child,born from their wife's affair, is unfair,a constant reminder, and a financial responsibility they shouldn't have to take on. Even though the child is innocent, it's excruciating. But,when it's a BW, she is told if she forgives her husband, and stays married, she must love and accept that child. She must welcome the child, and the OW,into her family. She shouldn't hold be upset about the child, or how he came to be, because the child is innocent. Logically that is 100% true. But feelings aren't logical. And the pressure put on a BW to embrace the child and the OW is unfair.

OP, no matter what you decide, you will find support here.

I hope you post in the OC thread in the ICR forum. There you will here from people who understand how you are feeling,and won't hold any judgement about how YOU navigate your journey.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791921
default

Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 2:24 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Once again, I TOTALLY agree with HellFire. Huge difference between an OC from a betrayal and one where both are single. Also, agree that BW are often expected to just bear it when BH are not.

Do what is right for you and ignore judgemental advice IMO. Trust your own feelings.

Hugs.

posts: 132   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8792005
default

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 5:04 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

To be fair to Bigger, I don't think he's ever pressured a BH to divorce of WW pregnant with OM's kid. His position has always been consistent, which is that children shouldn't be abandoned because of the circumstances in which they were conceived and deserve to be supported and nurtured, emotionally and financially, by both parents.

However, in my opinion, the WS's responsibilities to the OC don't obligate the BS to stick around and be a stepparent. If a BS wants to eliminate or minimize (to the fullest extent possible) the presence of the OC in their lives, then the correct course of action is to divorce so the WS is able to actively parent their child.

I don't think it's moral, ethical, or even tenable for the WS/BS to just pretend the child doesn't exist, except as a line item on a banking statement. Frankly, I don't know how anyone sleeps soundly next to a person who discarded their child like garbage, although I recognize that many people make this Faustian bargain.

P0ppy, I hope you're able to get some valuable advice from people who have been in your situation and consult with an attorney for legal advice that's relevant to your situation. I'm sorry that your husband has put you and your son in such a terrible position.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:08 PM, Monday, May 22nd]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1894   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8792036
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:28 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

My entire response wasn't aimed at Bigger.

It's a common response on this site,and society, in general.

Men are told to run. Don't stay and raise another man's child, you don't want to be financially responsible for another man's child for the next 18 years..etc..

The BW are told its unfair to not be ok with an OC in her life. That the child is innocent (seemingly ignoring that so is she), and she must accept the child around her, and in her life.

Do I personally think it's awful of a WH to turn his back on his child? I do. But, that is not my husband, and not my marriage,and I thank God I've never had to deal with my husband having an OC. I can not fathom how painful that would be,and how difficult it would make R..to not only have a living reminder of his betrayal, but also to have OW in my life, for the rest of my marriage. As I said, it is these specific situations that I find the most painful here. I 100% support any BW who does what she feels she needs to do, when it comes to an OC. I think its ok if she tells her husband she can not have a marriage that involves an OC,and the OW. He,of course, is free to say he can't do that. The decision is, ultimately, his to make.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8792043
default

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 6:12 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

There are a lot of assumptions being made on this thread and frankly, I’m guilty of a big one.

We never asked the OP if they have children and/or how long they have been married.

P0ppy – if you two have been married less than 5-10 years and if you don’t have kids… I’m going to suggest something I would suggest irrespective of your gender: Consider ending this relationship.
It’s going to be tough if his focus as a first-time father is on another child.

Would I be suggesting this if you two had kids? No… again irrespective of gender.
Although children are not a good reason to remain in a miserable marriage then they are often a good reason to give the marriage more effort than if there were no kids. I think it’s inevitable that your kids know of their sibling, and I am relatively certain that the OC will eventually seek some sort of knowledge or relationship with his genetic family. I just think it’s easier for everyone if it’s in the open rather than some strange request some 20 years from now.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12291   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8792050
default

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:33 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Bigger:

In her first post, P0ppy said that she and her WH have a son and that someone else gave that child a sibling before she could. Therefore, it's safe to assume that P0ppy's son is still young.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1894   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8792054
default

ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 6:59 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

As you and your WS have children of your own this complicates things and makes things not all about the BS unfortunately.

I will disagree with Bigger re staying in a marriage for the kids. That being said, my sister, my half-sibling, was born of an affair. I totally agree with Bigger about this:

I think it’s inevitable that your kids know of their sibling, and I am relatively certain that the OC will eventually seek some sort of knowledge or relationship with his genetic family. I just think it’s easier for everyone if it’s in the open rather than some strange request some 20 years from now.

If my father, the BS, had tried to cut off communication with my sister and or badmouthed her parents I am 100% sure that would backfired for him later on with either me or the other child of his and my mom's marriage. If you have read the OC thread then you have seen my experiences and I will leave it at that.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:04 PM, Tuesday, May 23rd]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2300   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8792198
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20240412a 2002-2024 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy