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I stayed when he cheated and we worked through it then continued with getting married...but just this weekend he told me she reached out and sent photos saying the child is yours...H spent days giving me cold shoulder because he was in shock then finally told me. Since then I've been...I want to hit him. Hard. I want to hate her for flirting with him while on the job (and I hate that he even responded to her flirting). That little child is beautiful and reminds me of our own children. I want to work through it but can I really handle her being in our lives until the child turns 18? I'm angry. I havent expressed my anger to him I've been crying on and off whenever home alone without him or our children. I'm dying inside. I wanted to have more children with him and right now I'm so miserable that another woman mothered his child and even hid the child from him. I understand she was mad at him as she didn't know she was what they call a side chick. I get she maybe thought it was better I never knew the child DID exist. I'll love that child like my own if she allows it. Because that baby is INNOCENT. But I'm so angry that this situation is even happening. I want to stay and work it out but at the same time I want to throw him out and start anew. I'm just so angry he didn't have protected sex with another woman...I believed him when he said they didn't go that far back then and now I know I wasn't crazy for believing they did. I just want to go back to that time and left then because now I'm in too deep and don't want to leave when I know other women would. I may seem pathetic but I love this man and he's been crying and apologizing and trying to do his best but I just wish he never strayed. Thanks for reading my rant.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you've had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that have some really helpful information, and we have the Healing Library as another resource. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there is a thread for dealing with the OC (other child).

It is quite a bombshell to have dropped in your lap. Has the OC had a DNA test to prove that your WH is the father? There have been some OW who have lied about the paternity of the child just to get money or keep the A going.

Take the time you need to process through the emotions. Only you will know if you can handle this or if it's a dealbreaker.

Hi, welcome to SI.

Was a DNA test done on the child to be absolutely certain it's your husbands? Be vigilant bc she just might be looking for child support. Get the child tested asap if you haven't done so yet.

In the meantime, please consult with an attorney asap so he/she can guide you in case the baby is definitely his.

I'm so sorry he put you through this.

Has your husband finally given you the entire truth because you deserve it. Keep in mind cheaters lie, all of them.

I also suggest finding a good counselor for yourself to process this trauma.

How long have you been married?

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can’t imagine the pain. However you choose to proceed from here is reasonable and swinging from one emotion to the next (as you describe) is probably the most reasonable of all. If you decide to stay together just remember his behavior is no better no worse than all the other cheating spouses on SI and elsewhere. It is terrible luck that his cheating led to a pregnancy. One thing that leads to trauma is what is called the "just world hypothesis". This is our tendency to believe bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people. It can make us slip into thinking we have done something wrong to have something so terrible happen. But it isn’t true. People don’t get hit by a drunk driver because they did something wrong, they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. This issue you face will become part of your history. I’m sure it will take a very long time to even accept that it has happened. Stay strong. Virtual hugs to you…

Hi Boop.
I;m sorry you just learned of this. It really complicates things.

First— see a lawyer and make sure you and your children are protected financially. Regardless of whether you R or D, his cheating should not affect your kid(s). Make sure the DNA test is done.

Second. Get into IC. You need a place to vent, rant, think, and process. And you can show him your anger. Why not? HE MADE THIS MESS. You imply that the AP didn’t know she was an OW. If true, then he is truly the only one to blame here.

You are the only one who can decide what is right for you. But make that from a place of strength, not fear.

How long have you been married? How old are your kids and the AP’s kid?
What work has your WS done to really truly change?

Keep posting. We are here.

I'm so sorry you're here. Post as often as you need. I'm sure a lot of good advice will follow.

The number one thing I would stress is to meet with a lawyer (or three) ASAP. Be prepared with questions, compare their advice, see who you feel the most comfortable with.

Idk about child support laws in your state, but where I am, the woman that files for child support first can collect the most for her child(ren).

For example, in my state, if you have one child, you can collect 17% of the non-custodial parent's gross income, for two children it's 25%.

If a second person comes along and files for one other child, they're eligible to collect 17% of the non-custodial parent's remaining gross income AFTER the first parent/children collect.

Simplified example -
Say your WS (wayward spouse) gross income is $100. You have two children. You file for child support first and collect $25. AP (affair partner) has one child, and files after you. She collects $12.75.

If it was reversed, and she files first, she would collect $17 for her one child. You file after? You would collect $20.75 for your two children.

You don't have to be committed towards reconciliation, separation, or divorce yet, but please do some research ASAP and put plans in place to protect you and your children.

Others have already given you good advice, so allow me to provide just some support and encouragement.

That little child is beautiful and reminds me of our own children. (…) I'll love that child like my own if she allows it. Because that baby is INNOCENT.

I'm genuinely touched by this. This level of kindness and goodness you don’t see every day. You are truly a special being, BoopBoop567! You (rightfully) feel all this rage and anger, and yet you are capable to detach from it when it comes to the child. Amazing. I couldn’t do that. I feel many people couldn’t do that. On a rational level, I’d also know the child is innocent, but I could never force myself to love the kid. This tells me you are so emotionally mature that you can cope with any situation the life throws at you. There is no doubt in my mind that whatever you decide will be the best decision for you. You are right other women would leave, but many of them wouldn’t. That doesn’t make them pathetic. It is also irrelevant what other women would do. This is your life, your situation, your family, your story, and you get to say what is the best course of action for YOU. Don’t let anyone judge you! Take your time to process what you’re feeling, take your time to analyze the situation objectively (is this something you can live with; is your husband remorseful; is he willing to do the work, etc.), and most importantly – be honest with yourself. Please, keep writing, we are here for you! (((hugs)))

Update I just learned that he got her pregnant while I was 6 to 7 months pregnant. This has really angered me. He said he didn't remember time frame but honestly this is the worst news. I was high risk. Knowing he went and put his thing inside someone else just because I couldn't have sex and I understand gave him less attention but no excuse. Just hurts even more.

So sorry, Boop. He's a selfish jackass.

I want to yell and scream at him about all my feelings but kids are always around. I can't even vent out to him.

Venting doesn't fix anything anyway. Cheating is a character problem, and no one can fix that but your WS. So, what's he doing about it? Has he signed up for therapy? Has he seen an attorney to find out what he has to do about this new baby? Offered you a post-nup? Handed over all his passwords? Downloaded location-sharing software? Written you a timeline? Has he read any books, listened to any podcasts, searched any websites? Crocodile tears and snot-bubbled promises to change don't actually accomplish anything.

This guy just dumped a LIFETIME financial and emotional responsibility on you that you didn't ask for. And because you have littles of your own to think about, I think you owe it to yourself to really spend some time figuring out if this is something you want in your life. Unless your WH makes massive efforts to develop real and meaningful core values and the boundaries which go with them, this may not even be the last time he alley cats back to you with more offspring.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Boop, my WW cheated on me with her AP when his wife was 7-8 months pregnant. My WW stole time away from that new momma a day after she gave birth and met up with her AP at a Starbucks the day after birth. They are despical people, and the worst type of cheaters. When you should be all in b/c the women you married is pregnant with your child, but instead, you're cheating on her when she needs you. And my WW, shes a total piece of shit too. Not sure what the hell she was thinking, she must have been so desperate, its disgusting.

We all ended up divorcing, the AP and his wife, and MY WW and myself. It was the best thing for me, I ended up rebuilding my life, have a great relationship with my kids, and ended up marrying a great woman who has her head on straight. Think long and hard about staying b/c you have the most worthless POS husband. This type is not a good type for R. One that cheats on his pregnant wife is about as low as it gets.