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Newest Member: Issyibbitt

New Beginnings :
Haven’t been in a relationship for 15 years and I feel like a virgin

Topic is Sleeping.
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 itsa(bad)dream (original poster member #13174) posted at 3:28 AM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023

I’m in my 60’s. I’ve been divorced 15 years, dated lots of guys, but never felt like I wanted a relationship with any of them. So, I haven’t had sex since I was married. I need to feel some kind of spark, or attraction , to get to that point. I know it’s really old school, but that’s how I’ve always been. Recently I started seeing someone near my age, and I do like him. We get along so well, talk very often, but he lives about an hour away, so we’ve only gone on 3 dates. He has gotten serious about me, and doesn’t hide his feelings. It’s really great and I hope I can return those feelings in time, but it hasn’t happened yet. I sort of feel like I’m holding back because I’m a little nervous about moving forward and things becoming sexual.
I was married to a cheater, and I’ve heard many horror stories about how many women he was with. I don’t know how adults handle this kind of situation. Do you insist on condoms, go get tested and compare notes - what do people do now? Is this something that could help me develop more feelings for him?
He really is great in every way but I’m so indecisive. Am I making this a bigger deal than it should be?
I need some advice….

M=13 yrs.(both 2nd M) ME:BS HIM:WH1st A:summer 01. EA & PA 2nd A (3/03): same person,EA,PA3rd A: 12/23/06 NEW OW. EA & PA(in contact with her for the past 2 yrs)*4/15/07-we are NOT trying to R. Only I was.He was just being an asshole.

posts: 309   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2007   ·   location: Limbo
id 8783413
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VezfromTaz ( member #80815) posted at 11:08 AM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023

I've got no useful advice as I'm single and ready to single but this sounds bloody marvelous. I hope you find love.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8783433
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 1:07 PM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023

Hi.

Im married, but I get where you are coming from.

I, too, am (barely) in my late 60’s, and have a different, very conservative take on when to become sexually involved with someone. (If I weren’t married.)

I’m so happy for you, that you seem to have found someone who cares for you.

But with your more conservative stance on taking the relationship sexual, and with the fact that you have only really had 3 dates, I would consider not rushing things.

Definitely get answers to your questions (in your original post) but don’t rush yourself. So what if you do not connect on that level as quickly as others do…

If this kind man is truly interested in you he will be patient. And if you wait to take this step until you are really ready, and revel up a bit 😜…think how much better it will be!

Good luck to you!

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8214   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8783441
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 10:54 PM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023

Perhaps I’m a bit old school but I think there is nothing wrong in waiting, getting tested and using condoms. At the end of the day, do what feels right for you. If the guy doesn’t like that, well there’s the door.

Me -FWS

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8783532
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:00 PM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023

You’ve only been on 3 dates with him so there shouldn’t be any pressure for sex just yet. Also, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to wait until you’re in a committed relationship for sex and insist on condoms and STD testing.

In fact studies have shown that STD rates are on the rise among post-menopausal population because of the higher percentage of single/divorced people than in previous generations and because unplanned pregnancy isn’t a concern. It’s worth being careful.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1973   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8783535
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messyleslie ( member #58177) posted at 3:22 AM on Thursday, March 23rd, 2023

Just another one to say it’s perfectly okay to take it at your own pace and if he doesn’t like that then that’s a very good filter.

Also though, if you are ready, it really will be completely different than it was with your ex. I had so much anxiety around sex and turns out much if it was wrapped up in who I was having sex with and the fact that he had had sex with someone else and I didn’t trust him as far I could throw him. It feels really really different with my boyfriend. I did not take it as slow as I would have predicted I would before I was in the situation, but I have always felt valued and safe with him. It will probably be super awkward at first but then it could be really really great.

posts: 294   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8783556
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 itsa(bad)dream (original poster member #13174) posted at 5:26 PM on Thursday, March 23rd, 2023

Thanks for all your replies. just yesterday we talked about me driving there to see him the next time. He told me if I wanted to stay at his place out time together wouldn’t be so rushed, and then wanted to make it clear that he hoped that wasn’t offending me. I said that would make me uncomfortable at this point and he was fine with it. He just said "well, you just let me know when you are". My problem is that I want to feel some type of "spark", and look forward to that physical connection. That’s how I’ve gauged things in that past. In these last 15 years and tons of dating, there’s only been 2 men who I’ve had those type of feelings for. 1 ghosted me after 3 dates, the 2nd one was a distance away and didn’t want to travel. My daughter told me to stay away from the ones with "sparks" because they, like my 2 ex husbands , were not good in the long run.

Now I wonder if I’m just past the age of even feeling that passion for someone. Maybe I should just go for it and see what happens?
This guy is wonderful - he doesn’t hold back with how he feels about things , he actually listens to what I have to say, gives compliments, etc., etc..

Oh, but there is a drawback - he colors his hair! His natural hair is light brown. We were talking about our kids hair color and how his daughter was very blond when little - and is now darker and I said - well, your profile photo has lighter hair so I guess she got it from you. (His profile photo is taken from a distance and shows him with a lot more hair than he currently has). He laughed and said "no, that’s not blonde, it’s grey. Now only my hairdresser knows for sure"! I just said " well, I don’t know why you bother, because you look really nice in that photo"! See how honest he is??

Now that he told me, it just seems weird…. I would have never known if he didn’t tell me. Men really do this?

M=13 yrs.(both 2nd M) ME:BS HIM:WH1st A:summer 01. EA & PA 2nd A (3/03): same person,EA,PA3rd A: 12/23/06 NEW OW. EA & PA(in contact with her for the past 2 yrs)*4/15/07-we are NOT trying to R. Only I was.He was just being an asshole.

posts: 309   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2007   ·   location: Limbo
id 8783608
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 6:30 PM on Thursday, March 23rd, 2023

My daughter told me to stay away from the ones with "sparks" because they, like my 2 ex husbands , were not good in the long run.

I fight this problem almost every day. It's clear to me, in looking at my past, that a "spark" with someone was a sign that they are narcissistic and borderline abusive to me. Meaning, I almost like the pain. Anyway, I agree with your daughter. Don't make the same mistake a third time (I made the same mistake twice, btw).

Do you insist on condoms, go get tested and compare notes - what do people do now?

Pretty much. Before dating my current partner, we discussed STDs, condoms, and pregnancy. She has an IUD and I have had a vasectomy. She had recently been tested before we started dating... and I got tested after D-day... so we assumed that we were both clean and we decided not to use condoms.

That said, about a year into our relationship, I found evidence that my xWW was having yet another affair... so now we're in the position of hoping that we don't have anything but acknowledge that maybe we should have gotten tested at the beginning.

Is this something that could help me develop more feelings for him?

I've mostly learned to not trust my feelings and instead use my brain. If you are trying to develop feelings, then you are doing it wrong.

Am I making this a bigger deal than it should be?

You get to decide what is a big deal versus what is not.

I'm not sure if you are talking about the fact that he dyes his hair (I don't but my partner wants me to start) or whether you should have sex with him or not (I'd wait until YOU want to have sex with him... whether that's tonight or in a year).

Regardless, listen to yourself. That's the path forward.

Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.

posts: 5419   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8783620
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 3:22 AM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

For what it's worth, I can say what I would do.
I got tested for absolutely everything and my platonic housemate did too. Cheating spouses were one thing we had in common.

Before I am sexually intimate with anyone I will also go to a high end clinic that does std testing and get retested. I have had 2 hiv tests already and blood tests for a battery of things. And I will add in herpes type 2 this time (and ask for the same from any future partner). I have never had hsv 2 symptoms. Unfortunately a friend of mine got hsv 2 from their asymptomatic husband.

Then healthy decisions can be made.

I am enraged that I found a piece of paper from a doctor that apparently gave WH treatment for stds and never told me or reported it? Not a surprise but the same provider group gaslit me about HSV 2 status being not important since "so many people have been exposed to herpes 2 and don't know it"

Also for me I would not choose to be intimate with a person for at least 6 months to a year. I know for some people that is too long of a wait. But I have religious beliefs. Not just that but i don't have the best track record of picking partners so I would want to see how a person acts in a variety of situations....I personally don't believe in love at first site or a few dates. To each their own with that but it's not for me.

My health and mental health are precious to me. If I can't talk about this with a partner then I am not going to be sexually intimate with them.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1663   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8783713
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 6:45 AM on Saturday, March 25th, 2023

Its(bad)dream

I need to feel some kind of spark, or attraction , to get to that point. I know it’s really old school, but that’s how I’ve always been.

Now I wonder if I’m just past the age of even feeling that passion for someone. Maybe I should just go for it and see what happens?

I'm hearing a couple of different things in what you've written.

-No, it's not old school to want to feel a spark or attraction. That's absolutely normal, and if it wasn't, birds wouldn't perform elaborate mating dances trying to turn on their potential mates. But, desire can grow as we learn to get to know someone and admire and trust them. The 'love at first sight' or 'instant chemistry' spark is just dangerous. Listen to your wise daughter on that one.

-You've been married twice. You have been betrayed. You've been treated poorly by some dates. I suspect there's a certain degree of fear of being hurt or betrayed again if you let yourself become intimate with someone.

-It's been 15 years since your divorce, and your body is 15 years older. I think many of us also feel somewhat insecure about our bodies in general and our ability to enjoy sex at our age specifically. Maybe buy some sexy underwear - just for you. Remind yourself what feeling sexy and flirty feels like. It doesn't need to lead to anything. And if it does, until you trust him 100 percent, use a condom. And get a really good lubricant like Uber-lube.

As far as how long to wait, wait as long as it takes to feel comfortable and ready. But there's also a huge range of things between a good night kiss and intercourse. Maybe you are comfortable cuddling on the couch and watching a movie? Maybe you want to neck like you were in high school? Take baby steps. There's a difference between a spark and desire, and desire can grow from a healthy place.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 6:47 AM, Saturday, March 25th]

posts: 381   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8784024
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 4:14 AM on Sunday, March 26th, 2023

Male perspective here.

Take your time.

I'm now in a relationship with a lady who is 65. We were very slow to move into the next step of intimacy. That not only didn't bother me, but rather encouraged me because I realized I was with a lady of substance.

Intimacy is so very important and is not something to be shared lightly.

She and I only had a quick smooch or two for the first couple of months. But, we felt the spark and even though, we waited. We both even said, "I don't know you that well." We 'made out' like teenagers in a car for 3 months of dating before we went to the next step.

I'm glad we didn't rush forward.

Take your time.

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021
Life is Good!

posts: 527   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8784147
Topic is Sleeping.
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