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Newest Member: Jskw458

Divorce/Separation :
WS manipulating daughter to ask for 'time' during my custody weeks.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 wildstar (original poster new member #83073) posted at 8:13 AM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Tonight after I picked my daughter up from my wife for my custody week, my daughter and I were talking about school and my daughter said "Is it okay if WS picks me up from school some days this week instead of aunt or grandma. WS told me I should ask you because she wants to spend time with me after school." This is RIGHT on the heels of my WS blowing up at me last week when my SIL picked up my daughter from school and WS texted my daughter asking her "who picked you up from school?" and replying with "That's shitty, I would have liked to have seen you." And WS telling my daughter "I'm mad, but I'm not mad at you" like I did something wrong. She also called and I answered in the car and she tried to belittle me and talk down to me while she was on bluetooth. I told WS she was ON bluetooth and she ignored me, saying it was nothing she couldn't say in front of our daughter. Basically trying to exhibit dominance over me. I just want what's best for my daughter and for WS to stop encroaching on my custody time because she doesn't work and won't get a job.

Our divorce decree isn't filed yet, but it has a right of first refusal clause in there, basically for times over 4 hours and outside of work hours+commute.

I KNOW my WS is WAY out of line here. I emailed my lawyer, waiting to hear back from him. My WS has no respect for boundaries, our daughter's well being, or anything. I can NOT believe she's using her daughter like this.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2023   ·   location: Las Vegas
id 8782853
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:33 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

How old is your daughter?

Is your stbxww willing to allow you time when it's her week?

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8782888
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 5:39 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

I just toss this out for you to think about, not as advice.

You're right, she's overstepping her bounds in asking and also in discussing with your DD who picked her up.

But if you haven't filed yet and your custody matters haven't yet been determined by the Court, I wonder if it would do you well to let your WS pick her up after school when you can't for a couple of reasons.

#1, it shows the court you're willing to be flexible, to be a cooperative coparent and to do what's in the best interest of your DD; it's also showing your DD that you are focussed on her, her happiness and well-being and you are going to be the rock solid parent who stays even keel and is reasonable.

#2, I'm guessing it's very difficult for your WS to not see her daughter after school because, in spite of her terrible and hateful behavior, she still has maternal hormones flowing. So if you allow the after school pickups to allow her a bit of time with DD, it might help her realize that she doesn't have to be vicious in the custody proposal.

#3, it might also be good for your DD to see her mother during your week; she's having to make a big adjustment in her life and it might do her a world of good to know that you and her mother will use some flexibility in order for her to be happy. In fact, if it can be worked out easily, maybe WS would agree to you seeing DD for awhile during her week with WS?

And, keep in mind, this might be a temporary thing because I assume your WS will be getting a job? And once she's working, she won't be sitting around ruminating on stuff so much.

And, of course, document everything.

As an aside, I would encourage you to never talk to your WS in front of your DD. I also encourage you to not answer the phone when she calls - let her leave a message and that gives you a little time to think about what she's got to say before you call her back. Even better, confine your communications to email and text; that way, there's a record of what you both said and/or agreed to. And, not hearing her voice has the added benefit of you being able to heal quicker.

A lot of families use a parenting app to deal with all the matters pertaining to the kids. It might be worth looking into.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. It's the pits and there's no easy answers out there.

BW, was 67; now 74; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. D July, 2017

posts: 3237   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8782890
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:39 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

This is the same woman who thinks it's fine that she immediately brought OM around your daughter, and somehow thinks it's appropriate to bring him to your child's doctor's appointments,knowing you will be there?

And she has the nerve to get pissed that grandma picked the child up after school?

Yeah..It's clear she has no problem stepping over your boundaries, but thinks you must do as your told. I think I'd stick to the agreement. She's clearly not willing to have a give and take here. Your week is your week,and her week is her week. Tell your daughter you must stick to the legal agreement. It is actually probably best for her anyway. She will have a set schedule, and know what to expect.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8782899
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 wildstar (original poster new member #83073) posted at 4:06 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Yeah, same person @HellFire. He is EVERYWHERE. I don't understand how you can have an affair and think it's okay to be around like this. Well, I can actually. If you have ZERO empathy and think you've done nothing wrong. WS is a master manipulator.

You're hitting the nails on the heads Hellfire. She ignored ALL boundaries during our marriage and while she was having the affair, even when I was trying to address them and get our marriage back on track. It REALLY bothers me that WS is manipulating our daughter by acting like the victim. "Ask your dad if I can pick you up from school on his weeks" is COMPLETELY messed up. Using a 7 year old to deliver messages like that.

She will only do stuff if it gives her ammunition to use later. She did ask if I would watch my daughter one day when she went to get a tattoo. I of course said yes, but for my daughter I have her in SafeKey, which is afterschool day care. Or my SIL has been offering to watch my daughter, because she absolutely adores her and hasn't been able to have much of a relationship because my WS didn't like her for no good reason. They're just different personalities.

My plan is to stick to the agreement. I'm doing A LOT of reading about co-parenting and like Hellfire said I'm sticking to the court ordered agreement (which is signed, just getting filed with the court) and I'm treating her time like hers, and mine like mine. She is just pushing herself to pick up my daughter after school. Even though I've said I want my daughter to get used to this schedule. Whoever's week it is, it's their time. The one our with my WS is going to be more disruptive than good. AND I want to cultivate relationships with family that my WS will make difficult (because she lost family who want to be around her when the affair came to light)

I do see where josiep is coming from. But...not with my WS. She is manipulative, deceitful, a liar, and I absolutely DO NOT trust her to do the right thing, even when it comes to our daughter. She's already proven herself to be damaging to our daughter's well being. She hasn't shown me a fleck of respect throughout this whole thing. So my main priority is my daughter and being that solid parent for her. Structure, stability, true unconditional love that isn't rooted in manipulation or selfish reasons.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2023   ·   location: Las Vegas
id 8782967
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:17 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

And I'd be very careful that your WS would use this against you. Even picking up your daughter to spend time with her might be twisted into WS spends more time so gets more child support...or any other reason that could be inserted here. Some people are so hateful that they'll do anything to inflict harm.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3476   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8782975
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 1:25 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

b4 my D was final, I let ws have our children every time he asked. It turned into "she doesn’t want the kids, she’s pawning then off on me all the time."

So, yeah, I made the decision to stick by the custody/visitation agreement. I told my sons you have Dad time and Mom time. I told them it was set by the courts and they were not to feel pressured into switching up anything.

I had to send an email to my atty occasionally, who contacted his atty to shut down the manipulation.

XH and OW tried all the tactics-getting our kids all hyped up for a trip out of state on my summer weeks, attempting to keep youngest and not bring him home. (In this instance I called the police and had them meet me and they went to the door and requested my child. -epic meltdown by OW, in front of the police I might add blush )

The main thing is-I never interacted with them at the moment. I let the calls go to vm so there is a record. When xh called the kids to ask for anything, I just said I’ll think about it and contact dad tomorrow. I considered the request, then either emailed a 1-2 word response, or emailed my atty to contact his atty to enforce the agreement, or when they came to my house yelling, I silently walked inside and called the police.

These crybaby manipulative WS really make me mad. mad They don’t care about the damage to our children!!! I had to hold my boundary many times with XWH and OW, at the same time be calm, and actually enjoy the time with my sons.

Some encouragement: My friend told me she loved going to her Dads as a child and teen bc it was always calm over there.

That said, in my state, the opposite parent gets wed dinner with child, just be sure it’s not that way in ur state.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 12:18 AM, Monday, March 20th]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5503   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8782998
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 7:59 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

You really need to normalize using a co-parent app instead of voice calls. There's nothing you have to say to each other that needs to be done vocally. Keep it where you have a record of what is said. Best response when she said that it wasn't something she wouldn't say in front of kid, would have been I don't agree that she needs to hear this so we'll need to discuss this at some other time and hang up. I'd also keep tracking what she texts to your kids. She's going to ramp up alienation as this goes forward. Concentrate being the sane stable parent and things will work out in the long run.

posts: 1591   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8783202
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:13 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Have you investigated this man? Done a background check, to see if he has an arrest record?

He seems awfully involved in your daughter's life. Going to her doctor appointments is just weird,for a boyfriend of the mother.

Many predators target women with small children, to gain access to the child. It's extremely common.

Check him out.

And,if you haven't yet,have a conversation with your daughter about good touch/bad touch. And,make it clear to her that of anyone tries to touch her, she can always come to you,and you will believe her,no matter who it is.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8783207
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 wildstar (original poster new member #83073) posted at 9:25 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

I'm looking into co-parenting apps. Agreed about the voice calls, WS doesn't care about what I say or my opinion on things. I'm reading and ingesting as much information about co-parenting as I can. I know she's not reading anything. When we were married I'd do research about topics and try to increase my knowledge. The only time she did the same thing was when I stated facts, and backed it up with things I had read. WS would then come back later with "I found the stuff you were talking about online" and THEN she would agree with me.

She said co-parenting class the court made her do with her 1st ex was 'garbage.' She has a very entitled, "I know best" attitude and I don't let her do that to me. I do my research and I challenge her with the information I found. A lot of times she'll reply with "that was written by some person on the internet, it doesn't mean anything" regardless of me saying "I found these articles/information at multiple sites, written by multiple different people."

I don't know how to do a background check. I did check predator sites, but I don't know how thorough that search was either.

I know he was an alcoholic, and I found an summons to court for him (I can't remember how) for an eviction.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2023   ·   location: Las Vegas
id 8783230
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:34 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Truthfinder is a good site to get info. You may have to pay for a legal background check, but it's worth it.

You can also ask your attorney to run a check on him.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8783235
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JammyWheel ( member #80828) posted at 12:52 AM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Our family wizard is good

There are other free apps too

posts: 68   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8783699
Topic is Sleeping.
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