Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Lissa

General :
Does the destruction never end?


 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 4:38 AM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

I am 5 years from dd2 still finding things that WH destroyed, dismantled, disrespected etc
This past couple months I have been dealing with storage and where we had animals/garden

Every tool I pick up it seems he did something to deface or break it. Handles broken, used it in concrete and left it to dry?, bent the rake? Left the tool to rust, ugh

Bought a new battery for the mower thinking it was that. Nope. The transmission is dismantled? Who does that?

The push mower has the guard removed. It looks all beat to #$))

About 10 metal shop clamps I went to use were all in some form of broken.

The people in the scrap metal places just shake their heads. Like who does this sort of damage.

Cast iron pans left to rust.
Trash strewn all over the entrance like someone made a get away with the good stuff. Oh wait. They did and the they was him...

(Checked in on a place we own and found this
All of this while WH tells people what an angel he is.)

That's the tip of the iceberg of his destruction.
Any one else have an amazingly destructive ex??
Is that part of the wayward mindset?

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1215   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8781459

Ragab ( new member #82425) posted at 8:49 AM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

Is that part of the wayward mindset?
Definitely not shocked

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.... lately more stones than diamonds.

posts: 42   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2022   ·   location: South Africa
id 8781470

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:06 AM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

Based on what I read in your posts then no – this is not normal wayward behavior.
The reason I get that deduction is quite simple: None of your husbands’ actions are "normal", logical or sane. It really does sound like he’s out to cause as much pain and damage as he can.
Five years prolonged and contested divorce? Appraisers? [Possibly] destroying assets?
Heck… he does sound like someone that’s willing to spend 100 to make sure you don’t get 1. Cut off the nose to spite the face.

This is in line with what I have heard from several sources regarding divorce: That 80% of the cost is often incurred for 20% of the value. I heard an interview years ago (think it was 60 Minutes) where an attorney described how he had to negotiate for hours over a lawn-mower that both claimed had "sentimental value". Basically both spouses spent more than five times the value of a new mower disputing over a beat-up old one. Doesn’t make sense…

I hope you have good legal representation. I would think there are two possible paths:
One is to accept a certain "loss" from what you might be entitled to. Simply buy peace. Give him the bone he’s asking for, but get him out of your life.
The other response is to have your attorney start logging and filing notifications of harassment and needless issues incurring costs that you reserve the right to charge him for. With luck his attorney might be able to convince him that spending all this time and money to get an extra buck isn’t worth it.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11422   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8781474

EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:58 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

Is that part of the wayward mindset?

No - that has not been my experience.

This might help you though. When my ex moved out, he was to take his tools only and leave my father's. He did not. He was also to leave anything he had a duplicate of. He did not.

So each pay, I was off to buy one new things I needed (circular saw, ShopVac, whatever). It was frustrating but turned out to be a positive. I have all new stuff with none of his juju on them laugh

It took a long time, but I am glad it worked out that way.

Have to ask about the cast iron...were you able to salvage? I have seen a lot of them with rust damage that were brought back to life.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8781502

BraveSirRobin ( Moderator #69242) posted at 2:12 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

I often say that resentment breeds entitlement in WS. Yours was angry, so I'm sure he told himself that whatever destruction he wrought was someone else's fault.

Also, I know this isn't the point of the post, but re those cast iron pans: I rescued my great-grandmother's that had been left to rust in a basement. They had all kinds of nasty crud on them in addition to the rust, but when I ran them through the oven on the cleaning setting, it all burned off. Of course, you lose the seasoning that way, but you have a clean slate from which to start. I wish I had looked harder to see if there were more of them, because the two I took are like new after a few cycles of oiling and baking.

It won't work if the surface is pitted, but anything short of that can be saved. Mine are like satin now.


posts: 3282   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8781517

FireandWater ( member #80084) posted at 9:54 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

While I don't think it's necessarily part of the wayward mind set, I do think this type of behavior is indicative of a personality trait that lends itself to being a wayward.

I can see now that my WH has always been lazy, entitled, leaves messes and never cleans them up, abandons projects halfway, doesn't put effort into things that don't directly benefit him, etc. He procrastinates on doing anything that's hard or challenging or messy. His car is a mess, strewn with trash and piles of stuff he doesn't really need. We only use my car when we're together because it's actually clean! He had his desk in our loft area until one of our sons moved out and we turned his room into a den. WH moved some of his things into the den, but left a huge mess in the loft. There's trash, random old papers and generally just junk on the floor. I've asked him to clean it up so we can use that space for something else. He keeps saying, "Yeah, Ok, I'll do it." But he never does and our son moved out 6 months ago. To WH, it's boring, he never goes upstairs so it's not affecting him whatsoever. Why should he deal with it? When I mention it, he acts as if I'm just being annoying by mentioning it.

Last winter, our thermostat broke. We could no longer turn on the furnace. He pulled out the manual and tried to adjust it, but it still wouldn't work. I suggested we get a new one, so he bought one. He tried to install it, but the instructions were a bit confusing and he didn't want to break anything. After about an hour, he said, "Well, I don't think I can do this." And he walked away. I said, "Well, we need a working thermostat. There's no heat in here!." Thankfully we live in an area that doesn't get too cold, but still! He said, "Well, I don't know how to do it." He was just going to leave it undone. I said, "Do you need to find an electrician or handyman to do it?" He said, "I guess so. You're better at that stuff so go ahead and do it." So now it's in my lap. He tried, but when it got complicated, he tossed it back to me. He's done this for our entire marriage. I mentioned it to my sister and she said, "Oh for goodness sakes! I just install my own thermostat. It's not that difficult." So she came over and walked WH through it. It took about 10 minutes.

I definitely think his mindset guided his way into an A (plus other past indiscretions). Things get challenging at home. He puts little to no effort towards addressing it. I take on every task, every decision, make every plan, do 90% of the work. He starts feeling like his "needs are not being met." So he gives himself permission to get them met elsewhere. It's a pattern with him. I pointed out this entire picture to him last night. He says he sees it, but I don't think he truly does. His task right now it to find a new IC since his old one no longer accepts his insurance. He's known the change was coming since October. He says he's going to call the new company, puts it off, says he got busy at work, etc. Then he calls but doesn't ask the questions he planned on asking. The company said they could give him a list of approved therapists and he could make the calls. They said they could also call around and identify an available therapist that suits his needs. I said do that. Ask them to make the calls. So he calls them and then tells me they're sending him another list since no one from the last list replied. I said, "What happened to asking them to help?" He says, "Well I get on the phone with them and they start telling me what they can do and I just forget what I was going to ask." Even this small task is proving too much for him. I feel sorry for him at this point. He's an adult with grown kids who are more capable than he is.

posts: 143   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2022
id 8781657

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:36 AM on Saturday, March 11th, 2023

People are vindictive and nasty.

There is a court case in my area where a father (police officer) waged a war against his XW to ensure she lost custody and had no visitation with his 3 young sons (all under age 10).

The biological mom was laughed out of court and no one would help her even though there was evidence of abuse by the father and his fiancée (where the boys resided).

CPS was called by the school and teachers etc.

End result? One of the boys died due to the father’s mistreatment and the fiancée’s treatment.

That is how far this guy went to be vindictive. He allowed his own son to be mistreated and die.

Nothing surprises me anymore.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 13067   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8781687

 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 4:16 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

"I do think this type of behavior is indicative of a personality trait that lends itself to being a wayward."

"None of your husbands’ actions are "normal", logical or sane. It really does sound like he’s out to cause as much pain and damage as he can."

Sadly rings true

As for the cast's fairly pitted, but I did clean it and oil it and will put it on an outdoor burner soon.

The destruction is so much who he really is with the facade off...the mask down...

I really do appreciate everyone on this site. I am looking forward to my freedom day.

Btw bigger, the more I have given the more is reset to zero and negotiation goes from that point. Whatever is give up is lost forever until there is nothing left to negotiate. He is full on zero sum. I tried full disclosure (he lies, hides assets, smears me) non positional bargaining (he wants everything)...

I am currently asking people I know irl for prayer...chain breaking prayer...

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1215   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8782111

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:24 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

Sending prayers your way, Shehawk.

Some people are so disordered that normal people can't comprehend the devastation.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1974   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8782115

 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 4:43 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

Thanks leafields.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1215   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8782116

 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 4:45 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

1st wife

So chilling

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1215   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8782119

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:57 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

He sounds personality disordered like my ex. Mine would start projects and never finish them. It used to drive me insane to where we would argue over him not starting any new projects because I would call him out for not finishing them and him getting angry at me for not trusting hi... HA!

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8414   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8782214

Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:49 AM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

I am sorry, what a jerk.

Good news is, once you clean up, no more reminders!

It will be ok

Yearning for divorce before I pop off

posts: 2053   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8782279

 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 3:58 AM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

Tall Girl

That is the truth in so many ways. No him equals no more physical damage of belongings and things. No more doors punched in. No more sheetrock punched. No more things like an attic of empty paint cans or every piece of equipment I go to use broken or damaged in some way.

[This message edited by Shehawk at 3:59 AM, Wednesday, March 15th]

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1215   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8782281
Cookies on®® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20230221 2002-2023® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy