SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((devastated)))

We are all here for you. I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I also did not see the A coming. How can we when they are master manipulators? Because he certainly sounds like one to me.

I felt like such a fool, I couldn’t contemplate what had happened for so long. I couldn’t put the two people together in my head. The man that told me he loved me to a cold cheat who left me overnight for the woman he was seeing behind my back.

My ex also kept coming back for ‘stuff’. Kept texting me. It made it so very much harder for me.

He kept in touch and still made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.

I promise you that YOU WILL get through this! I know it doesn’t feel like that right now but you will.

Right now you mind is in overdrive, trying to make sense of it all/ something that makes no sense.

All I can do is share what helped me:

1. Phoning helplines. I needed to get out all of the awfulness.

2. I went to the doctor, got something to help me get through the worst of it. You have to do what is right for you- I had some of the newer anti depressants with minimal side effects. Low dose for 3 months. It helped me sleep and eat.

3. I got affordable counselling through a counselling school. They had finished their training and it was nice to check in with someone each week- just to offload.

4. I started watching YouTube videos by Dr Ramani on trauma bonds. That was key in my healing as it helped me understand how the impact of my exs treatment of me affected the chemicals in my brain.

I know this seems a lot when you are overwhelmed. But honestly these things really did help me.

I hope you don’t mind me saying but your exs actions seem cruel and emotionally abusive. The fact that he coming round for tools speaks volumes to me about his selfishness. I question if he maybe is an emotionally abusive person? Sometimes it takes time to see that. It took me months.

A good friend said to me ‘it’s not normal what he did to you’. That set me free as I blamed myself.

I hope some of this helps.

You will look back (not all that far in the future) and realise what a cruel person he is.

I am personally grateful my ex is out of my life as all he did was cause destruction.

It will come for you too. It will.

Keep us posted.

I just wanted to add that I think you need to protect yourself from your ex. No more contact.

You have to look after yourself devastated. You have to protect yourself. NC is hard but you can’t let him spiral you down anymore. Because I believe there is emotional abuse from him. You are to vulnerable right now.

Please take care of yourself.

D16, what advice would you give to your kids if they were being treated so poorly?

Follow that.

You have a good heart. Give yourself the love and advice you would give to someone you love unconditionally.

To make things harder, friends we had, friends we did things with have turned on me! He cheats and they somehow have made it about how had I made him happy this wouldn't have happened!

YOUR FRIENDS SUCK!

Your husband sucks. Birds of a feather and all that.

Be glad you’ve purged your life of these sycophants.

Five months out? You’re still in the thick of it. You’re still considered fresh out of D-day.

I remember, vividly, being in the very state you so well described. Even my excellent quality, dependable, well adjusted, empathetic friends had a hard time being around me. I was miserable to be around. I was also a constant reminder to everyone that this shit CAN..HAPPEN..TO..ANYONE, to any marriage, no matter how good of a marriage you had, how good of a spouse you were, how well you vetted your spouse, how good you were in bed, it can happen to anyone without warning, and that, THAT is deeply disturbing and something no one wants to admit or consider.

So naturally, we blame the victim. It gives everyone a nice false sense of security.

And now, now that you’ve been catapulted, against your will, out of that life, away from those shit friends, your shit husband, you seem destined to better days, a life you get to foster.

Just hang in there. It does get better. The mind eventually grows tired of tormenting itself, becomes fatigued, then it begins to get bored with it all and you eventually move on. Things that help speed up the process is:

-Getting yourself out, like really out, of infidelity.

-Distraction

-Get new friends, be with them, push yourself self a bit, by degrees with baby steps, like you’re rehabilitating a traumatic injury-because you actually are.

-Get to a gym. Make your body a new project. Set achievable physical goals.

-Take it easy with the booze. Alcohol embeds traumatic memories deeper into long term memory.

-Let time do its work.

-Get into nature with your dog (walks, hikes, XC skiing)

-Indulge in healthy or harmless forms of escape.

-Appreciate and enjoy the simple, dependable things in life. Pamper yourself. Netflix and chill with a nice meal you make just for you. A good book and a well crafted cup of coffee while sitting beside the fire, with your dog, snow falling out the window, spring wildflower hikes, whatever gives you escape. There’s no problem too big you can’t run away from.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:39 AM, Tuesday, April 4th]

Thank you everyone for your continued support. The replies, the comments, are so appreciated. A lot of wonderful things said and a lot of very wise words and advice.

I know you have all been through this and understand the pain. Some of you seem so strong now, which is so encouraging. Some of the advice here has been more enlightening then from my counsellors. Reading and re-reading has made me realize what I am feeling is totally normal. You have all been there. You all survived. Many have been able to happily move on. I hold onto that. I do. When things seem dark, I call the crisis line and I come on here and read everyone's supportive comments. It truly has made a difference.

I know that I need NC. I just cannot bring myself not to read or answer his texts. I also know that by my WS being aware that I cry and sit at home, that I am still giving him power over my life. I believe my mind knows that he is a cruel, manipulative man who lies as easily as he breathes. Clearly, he only ever thought of himself. I tell myself these things all the time. I just need to find a way to believe them.

HouseofPlane.....you are so right. I am trying to confront a man to make him feel something he never will and in doing so he knows how hurt I am and I am feeding his ego. I am trying to make my words have "some impact" on him. Maybe I am hoping I will say something that will make him "realize" what he did and that he will come back, apologize and suddenly want me and only me. I AM DELUSIONAL! I am not even sure why I am still holding out hope. I would never advise my children to stay with a CHEATER! Why cant I let go???????

I am trying to distract myself. I am trying to "reframe" my thoughts and my life. I am better than a few months ago.....until he shows up or I run into him somewhere and then I spiral backwards. Seeing him so happy and everyone being "okay" with what he has done and even welcoming the AP, is just endless torment for me.

However, when I begin to "miss" our life I do try to focus on things I didn't like, the not so good times. I have less triggers than I did a month ago. Sadly, with Easter coming, it is hard. With no family or friends, I will be alone. I am not looking forward to this.

I will keep coming here. I will keep reading. I will keep trying to put more stock into the words expressed here then my own dark thoughts. I have to get through this. I have to come out the otherside.

I am so sorry you are going thru this.

I urge you to see a dr. and get some anxiety meds to
help you cope and get some sleep.

They helped me tremendously when I went thru it.

I’m so glad these posts are helping.

NC is so very hard, it took me months to get to a place where I cut him off. You will get there too when the time is right for you. But it does really help. It’s even harder when they contact you so I really feel for you. You are processing trauma and on top of that he is in contact. It’s very difficult and confusing.

In the end it was like a switch clicked in my head (after get another me, me, me text) and I thought ‘I’m done’.

Everyday you are slowly healing, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You mind is adjusting to the new circumstances he forced upon you.

Last Easter I mostly spent the weekend crying in the woods. I truly emphasise with you. I felt so alone. But this year I feel completely differently and it will be the same for you. It really will. I know it’s hard to believe but it’s true.

I think it’s amazing that you have a counsellor and are phoning the helplines. I admire that you have found the strength to do this in such traumatic circumstances.

We are here for you and will be thinking of you over Easter.

I AM DELUSIONAL!

Maybe a little?

Actually, delusional people don’t know they’re delusional, sorry!

But you’re perfectly, 100% normal. We’ve all BTDT in our own way. Very human thing. The heart wants what it wants.

Why cant I let go???????

Because you don’t want to yet. You are not ready to. You need to suffer more, I hate to say it. You need all possible hope to be completely utterly dashed. But here’s the thing…

You know what needs doing. You know.

Train yourself. Ask yourself, "what would I be doing if I wasn’t wallowing?" And just do that. Just f***-ing go and do that. Do it while you cry, but do it anyway. Garden. Cook. Paint. Walk to the store. Just do them.

Sending strength, D16!

There is brain chemistry that contributes to this, but you can train your brain to get out of this. I recommend watching Dr. Ramani's YouTube videos on trauma bonding versus co-dependency. They are similar, so you may need to have an IC to help figure out if you have either condition.

I started volunteering at a local animal rescue to get outside of the miasma of my feelings. Maybe you can find something to help you get out of the funk you're in.

Try this when he texts. Wait 20 minutes before you respond. go walk around the block or something. Start stretching it out further. Also make sure your phone is set to where he can’t see if you have read his texts. Then keep increasing the amount of time before you respond. It helps it get easier.

When responding, respond in notepad or word or some other app. Say what you want to say.
THEN, trim it down to just the required response and use that. Often that will be "okay" or "no, that does not work for me". Send that version.

NC was hard for me, too. But it does help and is worth working toward.

Hang in there. You are doing well. You really are.

Summertime22, RealityBlows, gutpunch, leaffields, Bearlybreathing.....and everyone else. THANK YOU!

I love the advice about what to do when he texts about waiting to respond. I will definitely be trying that!

I, too think I am not ready to let go because "I haven't suffered enough. I need for all hope to be completely and utterly destroyed". I have said these words to a crisis counselor. I so want it to happen. I have said I need to be hurt even more so that i get to a point that all the good times I remember are gone and the hurt drives me to anger. I want to hurt so deeply, I stop feeling. Then when I am stoic, he will have no power over me and I will be able to move on without tears and pain.

I am sorry Summertime22 about last Easter. However, I am so happy that this year holds a much brighter outlook. I am hoping that after I get through the first of every birthday, holiday etc the next time around will be easier.

The desire for him to hurt and suffer is overwhelming. I have this sick need to want his life to be completely destroyed. I think it eats away at me. He destroyed mine so it is like I cannot function as long as he is not suffering as well. The unfairness of it all, keeps me in endless torment. The AP's smug face in pics, her parading around like she is better than me and more deserving. The fact that she thinks she is more desirable and loveable. These thoughts are what keeps the pain so fresh. I have never hated a woman more! She chased after a married man! She is such a sl**! I don't know why I hate her more than him. He could have said no, walked away, told her to leave him alone. Nope....he jumped right in. I really cannot help but compare myself to her. Why her? Why wasn't I enough? Was I not pretty enough, not fun enough, not understanding enough?????? What did she have that was so attractive to him? My mind knows it wasn't me. It is the narcissist in him craving novelty and excitement. I know it, I just cant believe it, understand it or seem to accept it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter. I am just hoping to survive it. I hope they both choke on turkey! :(

When two people fight over a turd, the one who "wins"... gets a turd.

I say that tongue in cheek, but when you think about it, the OW isn't winning. She's settled on a cheater who is capable of casual betrayal, someone who has already demonstrated that he can make elaborate promises and then, in figurative terms, stick a knife in his partner's back. Once you start really SEEING this guy for what he is, you won't be able to unsee it.

Not long after my own dday, I realized that if I really hated my WH, if I really wanted to see him miserable, all I had to do is step aside and let the OW have him. His entire rationalization was based on his self-pitying view that he was nothing but a paycheck on legs to his wife and family. One didn't need to be Miss Cleo to see that this was EXACTLY what the OW was looking for, an improvement on her socio-economic status. His fear would have become his life, and all I would've had to do is nothing, just step aside like a matador with a big red cape and let it happen. The neatest revenge plot ever!

He's lucky I didn't hate him that much.

You're going to be okay. It's all a process. Have faith that you'll get there.

((hugs))

I used to compare myself to the OW so much. She was younger, Spanish etc, etc. my self confidence had disappeared and I was convinced it was because I was older, not good enough etc. It was a horrible time. I picked myself apart. But as time went on and I started to get back out into the world I realised I was worthy and my confidence returned. After about 6 months a man I met at yoga asked me out to lunch. It happened at other yoga and meditation classes too. and men liked me, wanted to see me again.

I know that you shouldn’t just get confidence from men and that it should come from within. I did the inner work too (counselling, meditation, yoga). The interest was only a small part of it. But it made me feel better. It will happen to you too.

I do recommend yoga for healing.

Right now you are in the thick of it. But you are also starting the process of building yourself back up too. And when you are ready you will go back into the world and see that you are a beautiful person and worthy of a loving relationship with a worthy man who you can trust 100%. And you will find it.

He in the other hand will still be a turd! She has ‘won’ a destructive man who lies and cheats and only thinks of himself. He won’t change for her. Same as it was with my cheating ex.

I love the turkey joke, good for you devastated!! 😄

My neighbor was married for 35 years when her dentist husband met a young very attractive female. He had my friend moved out and the younger gal moving in the back door literally the same day. She felt the same way you do. Well, the karma bus kicked in…6 1/2 years later he is miserable with an alcoholic wife and he is dead of colon cancer. Told my husband worst mistake of his life.

A few people have asked for an update which is so very kind and appreciated.

Easter was lonely. I spent most it crying. I was completely alone. I had cereal. Originally before D-Day, we were supposed to have dinner for his family. He never skipped a beat. It just went on as planned without me.

I am trying to deal with the financial fallout now as well as my grief. It is hard and only seems to make the loss feel that much worse. The unfinished household projects are like a beacon blinding me. There is just no end to this mess. He has all the time to fish, party, ride , socialize, and have fun. I still have all the responsibilities of the house.

I do cry a little less these days but still have my moments when I am triggered. This nice weather this past weekend was a huge trigger as he was out and about with our "friends" riding all weekend going to places we would go and going to a friend's birthday party. Apparently, not only was it the friends 50th but also it served as his "debut" back into "freedom" as I was told by some people. I just really cannot get past that he is living and loving life completely void of feeling over the destruction he has caused my life. it should make me angrier but I cannot get past how unfair it is. What did I do to be so miserable and in so much pain, while he is out there laughing, having the time of his life! He is chatting with all sorts of woman and hanging with them at events. They all know what he did and they are lining up to be next??????? There is something seriously wrong with a world that allows someone to have their heart and life completely shattered while the person responsible for the misery is happier than he has ever been!

I hate wasting my life crying over such a narcissist. However, I just cant seem to flip that switch. I thought I was entering the angry stage...only to find myself once again crying for hours.

Friday was so bad, I couldn't go to work. I could not stop crying and shaking. Today, I am a bit stronger. It is incredible that an A can affect every aspect of a person's life in such a profound way that it could even cost a person their livelihood. I have to get myself together. He has taken everything from me already.

I know everyone has been through this. I know people survive and end up happier. It is just impossible to believe it while I still feel this much pain.

Apparently, not only was it the friends 50th but also it served as his "debut" back into "freedom" as I was told by some people.

Have you asked your friends and mutual acquaintances not to speak to you about him? If not, I think that might help.

No new contact = no new hurts. Even though we tend to think of contact as being directly with the toxic WS, this kind of indirect contact also adds pain and triggers. It's only natural that you're craving information right now. That's the nature of infidelity trauma, but that need to know is an illusion. You DON'T need to know. You need to NOT KNOW.

The more you can winnow this guy out of your daily existence and the longer you keep him out, the sooner you will heal. This includes pain shopping. Whenever you catch yourself going down that path, be your own best friend, picture a remote control in your hand and CHANGE THE CHANNEL in your brain. Believe me, I do understand the drive to ruminate, the feeling that surely you can somehow think your way forward. BTDT, got a massive case of depression with all the trimmings. So I get it. But you can do this. It's doable. Change the channel. Recognize pain shopping and rumination for the two steps back they are. Set boundaries with the flying monkeys. Anyone who is your real friend will understand why you need this.

((hugs))

I’m so glad you have given an update.

Well done for getting through Easter, you did it! I know how hard the holidays can be when you are processing trauma. Last Easter I was, like you, suffering and struggling to get a smoothie down. My thoughts were completely consumed with my visions of him and the OW enjoying the Easter period. I couldn’t switch my thoughts off. Like you I felt the injustice too much to cope with. I was up at 4am crying while he was off having fun.??!!!

A year later I don’t care what he does anymore. He was a destructive person in my life and I’m glad he’s gone!

I know now that maybe at the beginning they might be happy in the short term. But that doesn’t mean it will last. He won’t be happy long term I am sure.

At the moment your brain is responding to trauma. It’s exhausting and gruelling. But it IS temporary.

Once you get some distance from him you will start to see him for what he truly is. It took me a good few months but you will get there. You will start to feel stronger.

I too was left in financial difficulty and had to arrange a debt plan when all I wanted to do was hide away.

I read somewhere when you are struggling with emotional abusive relationships focus on doing things that make you feel strong. Doesn’t have to be big, taking vitamins, posting on here, going for a walk, watching Dr Ramani videos on you tube.

The less contact I had with him the more I healed. As he could no longer manipulate me.

Please try to put some distance between you. Tell people you don’t want to hear about him. You are in a vulnerable state and any information/contact from him will set you back.

Hugs to you.

Oh my heart broke when I read your message. I am so very sorry. I can honestly say that I do know exactly how you feel as I'm living the same nightmare. I too am in the same boat except that my WH is still in the house trying to work through it and hoping we can reconcile.

I attempted suicide a few weeks ago. I have a 13 year old daughter and was in such despair that I just wanted to die. I have been there. Those feelings still come and it takes all my strength to hang on and just cry it out. Its the darkest place I've ever been in my life and its not over for me.

Sudden & constant crying. Rage beyond any human comprehension. Isolation. Despair. Being ghosted by all my friends and family who I confided in. Having no one to talk to or cry with. Feeling trapped in a vortex of despair that's sucking me down into the darkest places of my mind. Feeling like I was suddenly not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not woman enough, not perfect enough...the list goes on. Desperately trying to make him see that I am so much better than all those 50+ women he cheated with. Loving him and hating him at the very same time. Wanting to cling to him for support, but push him away in the same moment.

Cant eat, cant sleep. Lost 25 lbs and counting. Unable to focus. Can barely get out of bed. Feeling like a trapped animal in a cage surrounded by angst, anxiety, confusion, frustration. Never-ending images of all the dirty deeds he did and being obsessed with needing to know every single detail. Its pure hell and I'm only 8 months in to initial D-Day with trickle truths ongoing.

I can share with you what helped me and I hope it will provide you a tiny bit of relief as well.

Music. LOUD music. Sad music when I needed to cry, angry music when i needed to hate, empowering female music when I needed to feel strong. It helped me so much. And most importantly is Neurodivergent / bilateral stimulation music in 8-D (see Spotify). It has surround sound that mimics EMDR therapy and trains your brain to focus on the sounds, which allows you to calm yourself and focus on the music (instead of the horrific images constantly replaying in your mind about what they did). You must use airpods / headphones for the full effect. Its amazing.

Bubble baths & massages; be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to be weak when you need to. Let everything in your house go to shit if you need to (laundry, cleaning, errands). I didnt even open or pay my bills for 6 months and didnt even care (thankfully I had everything on auto pay). I used to be OCD about everything and I let it all go. Just didnt give two shits. I put on a smile for my daughter, but the moment she left for school I would absolutely collapse into the fetal position and sob uncontrollably for hours.

Sedative Prescriptions for sleep you MUST see the doctor and get medication to allow you to sleep. Otherwise your brain will continue to spin and make everything much worse. Trazedone is a good one b/c its an antidepressant and the side effect is drowsiness, but there are many others out there that are available.

Self-Soothing I put my arms around myself in the butterfly position and rocked back and forth as i cried (I still do). Or I sat in a swing we have an pushed myself back & forth for hours. It soothed me like a mother rocking an infant.

Push the thoughts out of your head this takes practice. Start small. Pretend its a photo you are looking at and only take brief views periodically and then push it out. Each time the image pops up take a second to see it and them push it out of your head. I put a big stop sign on my bathroom mirror, fridge, & computer to remind me. I also took photos of myself that held happy & proud memories and i put them everywhere I could see them to remind myself that I am worthy & proud of myself.

I just really cannot get past that he is living and loving life completely void of feeling over the destruction he has caused my life.

Tough love here. Do not collude in that destruction. Fight it. It’s in your court now. Don’t waste another day of your precious life thinking about him and her. It’s a wonderful world out there, get out into it and let it heal you. X

[This message edited by Edie at 11:29 AM, Thursday, April 20th]

HeBrokeMe68.......

Feeling trapped in a vortex of despair that's sucking me down into the darkest places of my mind. Feeling like I was suddenly not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not woman enough, not perfect enough...the list goes on. Desperately trying to make him see that I am so much better than all those 50+ women he cheated with. Loving him and hating him at the very same time. Wanting to cling to him for support, but push him away in the same moment."

Wow..........words I can relate to. I am so very sorry you attempted suicide. I sure understand why though. Emotionally I have no words of wisdom to offer at this moment as I just cannot function myself. But I wanted to say your words resonate with me.....as do everyone's here.

I thank you for your wonderful suggestions. I hope I can somehow find the strength to make an attempt to help myself.

[This message edited by Devastated16 at 6:23 PM, Monday, April 24th]