SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure if this is the right place but I’m not sure where this fits. I had posted on another site (more general) and some lovely posters pointed in the direction of this site.

About a year ago my husband had an affair. He worked with the OW on an adhoc basis and the physical affair took place whilst they were away with a group from work. It was noticed and it was raised with HR. I was drip fed parts including the fact that there had been an emotional affair for 9 months previous but didn’t get the full details until 3 months later. We have 3 children, one in exam years and two younger (10 and 11). He (we) had an incredibly stressful year in the run up to the physical affair which was though no fault of his own and so we decided we would try to reconcile.

6 months on (9 months after d day), and whilst things aren’t perfect we are working together, discussing plans for the future and trying to move on. We are working together on our home (which needs a lot of work) and things are improving.

On Tue he drops into conversation he’s away with work colleagues at the weekend, my gut told me something was off and I question the arrangements. On the Wed night he comes home and tells me he’s going away for the weekend and it’s with the OW after she bought them tickets for a music event overseas. Even worse, he loves her. I still had to be the one to end it.

My world has fallen apart, less than 24 hours earlier we were holding hands talking about our future. He had promised me he was working on our relationship when in fact they never stopped talking. I know I should hate him, but right now I’m just devastated. It’s all I can do to get up in the morning. I don’t have family or friends near by to talk to and to be honest I’m not ready to talk. All I can think about is that they are currently having a romantic weekend away when this time last week we were sharing a bed. Just to add insult to injury he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this.

How do I move on from this when I can’t even comprehend being without him. I know I should hate him but I can’t find my anger. It feels so cruel. I want to scream and shout at them both, I just don’t understand. Why would you do this to someone? Why would you lie to someone you care about?

To avoid drip feeding, she is 13 years younger than me and single. Closer to our daughters age than my husbands. We’ve been together 15 years, married 11.

Dear HSS, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. You will get much support here. Weekends are slower but posters will come along soon. Browse around - look at the healing library. Care for yourself somehow today. It is devestating.

Hi HSS, welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. So sorry you had to find us. Infidelity is the worst pain imaginable. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum and the Healing Library is a drop down. Both have some excellent resources.

Please take care of yourself during this time. If you think you might need medication, see your doctor. You may also want to be tested for STD/STI because he's probably been sleeping with both of you.

Unfortunately, cheaters lie and then lie some more. While you were working on the M, he was not.

It wasn't anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, your age, etc. The A is all on him and his dysfunctional character.

I'd say the first thing is self-care. This kind of emotional trauma makes the body ill. It's so important for you, and your children who are depending on you, that you prioritize your health just now. That will mean eating what you can, even if it's just protein shakes at first, sleeping when you can, hydrating with water, avoiding alcohol completely, and getting some light exercise. See your medical doctor if you're having trouble with any of that. You'd do well to get STD testing anyway.

I'll be honest with you, I don't think I'd be married today if I hadn't stood up to my fWH and been willing to divorce. In fact, on dday that's what I told him, that I wanted a divorce, that I didn't care to even hear the details, that he could split the banking and I'd get us a lawyer. Within a week, it was him asking me for more time, time to prove to me that he could be trusted. Of course, he messed that up, and when I caught him in some kind of bizarre let-her-down-gently scheme, he had about thirty seconds to decide whether he was "all in" or "all out" on our marriage. He ghosted the OW on the spot and that was eight years ago.

Right now, your WH is already gone. Chances are good that you're paralyzed with fear that you're going to do the wrong thing and that it will cost you your family dynamic. Here's the truth though... the bad thing you're worried about has already happened. He's already gone. He features himself as this dramatic character in the catbird seat deciding between two lovers, and having made his choice, now he will graciously "help" you to fix up your home or whatever while he toddles in and out of your life like a guest.

What that means, even though it might not feel like it right at the moment, is that he has liberated you. You are no longer at his disposal. You are free to act in your own best interest and that of your children. You don't have to care how he feels anymore or what he wants.

If it were me, I'd be calling lawyers on Monday morning and I'd be making it clear to him that he's no longer welcome in my home. A guy who has lied to your face for more than a year has no right to complain that you don't trust his word on "maintenance". Sometimes there's nothing that will cut through a cheater's fantasy, but in mu experiemce, the only tool in our arsenal which might offer results is REALITY. The more real this thing becomes and the more consequences in the offing, the more likely he is to see that what he's doing is wrong.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. Have faith though that you'll come through. We've all been where you are, and we're still here. You will be too.

((hugs))

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you are now a member of this club.

All of us have walked in your shoes, and we understand you are devastated, but gently, you need to focus on you and protecting your family.

First thing Monday morning, arrange to meet with several attorneys.

Secondly, is your husband planning to move out? Let him. As much as it hurts, pack up his things and leave them outside the door. He cannot have his cake and eat it too.

IF HR was involved in this matter, check with your attorney to understand if you can report your WH again. However, if you are dependent on his income, it might not be advisable since he could lose his job. What was HR's position when they learned of his affair last year?

Please read up on the 180 (at the top of this page) and implement it at once. Find your courage and go NC (no contact) with him unless it concerns your children or finances.

In the meantime, seek out a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate this trauma.

Honestly, I think you need to confide in a TRUSTED family member or friend for support.

Post as often as you need to. Weekends are a bit slow but there's always someone here for support.

Lean on us, lean on a counselor, lean on a trusted family/friend or a member of the clergy if you are so inclined. There are great articles in the Healing Library, take a look. Knowledge is power.

Show your cheating husband you are strong and will make it without him. Your anger will come and allow it to motivate you to do what's best for you and your family.

Sending a virtual hug...

Hugs to you. The trickle down truth is the worst as it robs you of your time and your agency. Please see a lawyer asap to help legally with the split. Do not believe anything he says about anything. He does not have you or your families best interest in mind (boy he had some nerve to say he considers you family). Your husband has been living a double life for almost two years and juggling all his lies to both his family and the ap. To help you heal, I would suggest no contact

Below are some suggestions to go no contact-

1. I take it your husband moved out Weds evening. Speak to a laywer on Monday and ,if it is legally okay, change the locks. He left and can no longer come and go as he pleases.

2. No visits with the children at your home-the reality is now he needs to set up visitation and take care of the kids himself

3. Email addresses set up specifically for financial and childcare issues

4. No friendly handyman bullshit-Write a list of issues to need address, get an estimate and have him pay for it.

Please contact your Dr. for some medication that can help with depression and sleeplessness.

I am sorry this happened.

[This message edited by Prettyflawed at 2:29 PM, Sunday, March 5th]

Welcome to SI, HSS. You are safe here, and we will be here to support you through all that is to come.

The immediate impact of this is devastating, so forgive yourself for needing time to process. Betrayal like this shakes our foundations and makes us question whether or not we can trust ourselves. In time, you will remember that you can trust yourself, even if you cannot trust him. You will weather what is to come, and you will emerge stronger---and maybe one day even happier.

You say that

I still had to be the one to end it.

That is because there is a dimension to his thinking that is lost in a fantasy world of pure selfish desires. Like ChamomileTea says, your best move is to be utterly clear about the reality of his choice. A lawyer can help you with that, and setting clear boundaries about the home and the children can also help. He 'loves' a fantasy that is free from all the complexities of a real marriage, and he never did the work after the first discovery to explore how he came to be a man who could have an affair.

It's terrifying to think about dissolving a relationship that has lasted so long, but the time for him to genuinely recover and reconcile was after the first disclosure. He chose to resume the affair, after seeing the damage it did to you the first time.

There is a lot written here about the 'why' of affairs. The truth is you can get to a full understanding of the story and never really understand the why because you are not a person who would solve a problem that way—and be clear with yourself that the affair is not about you. The problem is him. He has broken things in himself that he is 'medicating' through this fantasy of love.

Right now, you are your own priority. Definitely explore the healing library and the piece about the 180. Although it is so hard right now, start shifting your focus from him to you. Invest in what it means for you to become someone who CAN imagine a life without him. It will help you more than you can imagine.

And keep writing. We are here for you. You are not alone.

You see him as your beloved husband, who poured acid all over you. I see him as a despicable liar, who has lied to you and played you for a year. He is not a good person. Good people do not treat other people this way.
To me, lying is a con job. And as much as I hate murderers and rapist, I hate con men just as much which makes me very unforgiving with people like your husband. He’s a ConMan.
Please read Lying by Jonathan Wallace in the Ethical Spectacle. He does a very good job explaining why lying is so corrosive and caustic.
There are so many people on this forum who will have your back and hold you up as best we can. You are going to have to grieve. You can’t get around it you must go through it. And at some point you’re going to find your anger. In the meantime, go see a lawyer tomorrow morning. Then get yourself to a doctor if you need to for some medication with anxiety and depression. That will help your mind stop spinning rapidly as it is right now.

I’m so very sorry. Truly. No one wants to be in this club. But this has been the best healing place I’ve been to in a long time. The people here get it because we’ve been in your shoes - albeit at different stages.

One thing that really gnaws at me about the sneaky affairs - is just come right and tell the truth. Spare the betrayed spouse the agony of dragging this out. There are many seasoned veterans on this site. I’m new to this site but have dealt with similar with my fWH. Please read the healing library - there is so much information there that could be helpful to you. The advice here to take care of yourself is spot on - please take care of you!! The fact that he’s out on the "romantic" getaway while you are clearly in pain is absolutely disgusting. That in of itself speaks volumes about where his thought process was when you thought you were reconciling. The fact that he is having a wonderful time adds insult to injury. That speaks to how incredibly selfish this man is!! And how he doesn’t care about your feelings. What did he think you were going to do with this information? Pack his suitcase, give him a kiss on the cheek and say l see you after your trip?? I hope realize what a selfish SELFISH man he is!! Does he think he’s going to return home after his weekend tryst?? I hope you have set him straight on that - he is no longer welcome in the home. He has chosen to walk away and by the way how "gracious" of him to offer you all these concessions- as if that will subdue this emotional pain and trauma. That’s his way of justifying in his mind that he’s doing you a good deed. Well F that. I agree with others - he has chosen to end this marriage. As evidenced by trickle truth, outright denials, lying, stringing you along with false hope. The time has now come where the writing is clear - he’s chosen her. So let him have her. You go get yourself an attorney on Monday. And start the proceedings to file for D. He doesn’t get to sit on his high horse and court two lovers at the same time. Kick his A$$ to the curb. She’s his problem now. Sending hugs you!!!

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 4:51 PM, Sunday, March 5th]

Here is the best course of action you can take at this moment: Take advantage of the fact that his head is in Lala land and he still wants to come away from the marriage as the "good guy" to hire a lawyer and get yourself the best settlement possible. He’s promised you "over and above" what you are owed legally; hold him to that.

HeadStillSpinning -

I am so very sorry for what you’re going through. What you’ve been put through is one of the most cruelest things one can do to another, and one of the most traumatic experiences one can undergo. I agree that your first thought should be self care. You’re in shock, shock dehydrates you, so please stay away from the alcohol and drink a lot of water. You probably can’t eat but you need to eat to live so try sipping on nutritional drinks and take supplements if necessary. Restful sleep is a necessity for everyone so schedule a dr appointment for sleep medication if needed. This will be hard but try to get out of bed, at minimum take a walk outside in the sun for endorphins and Vitamin D. Also recommend a book called: "Cheating in a Nutshell."

The next thing you need to be on top of is protecting yourself and children. Right now he’s in limerence, so he’s promising the world as his dopamine is so high. Use this time period as an opportunity to protect your family. First thing Monday morning contact at least three attorney offices. Don’t hold onto the hopium that he’ll be back and let a golden opportunity pass to get everything you deserve. As has been stated, he’s already gone, there’s literally no way he can be anymore gone. There’s nothing you can do to push him farther away. Sure, he may be back, but doing the pick me dance won’t be the reason. You can’t nice him back. BS are more successful at having repentant cheating spouses beg for another chance when they employ the 180, move towards divorce, and let go of the outcome. A mantra here is you must be willing to lose your marriage to gain it back. But don’t be focused on a plan for your husband to stay, the 180 isn’t for that, and getting an abuser to stay with you shouldn’t be your priority. PROTECTING you and your children’s interest is.

I’m here to tell you that you aren’t at fault. There’s nothing you did or could have done any better to keep him from cheating. Shania Twain, Halle Berry, Beyonce, Robert Patterson etc. are all superstars generally seen as beautiful/handsome and talented and rumored to be nice, yet they were all cheated on. Cheating is about the cheater and not their victims. I sense you are feeling a bit or shame or embarrassment, please Google an article entitled: "Dealing with the shame and embarrassment after infidelity." These feelings are normal, but unwarranted as you are a victim of abuse. He abused you emotionally, mentally and physically by sleeping with this woman and you at the same time. Inform close friends and family so that you 1. have IRL support 2. bust his little affair bubble 3. you control the narrative. He can’t go around spouting a revisioned marriage history and lie and pretend he and OW have a fairytale love story with you controlling the narrative.

I agree that you should pack up the remainder of his belongings and have them waiting on the porch or front door. Start communicating with him only through email or a parenting app. Only discuss logistics with him i.e. financial, visitation etc. Do not let him hoover you or draw you in emotionally by playing games with your feelings. Don’t allow him to come and go out of the house freely. Get estimates for what’s needed continued fixing around the home and send them to him to pay. Displaying to him how independent you can be, and that you can live without him may have him reconsider leaving, but being codependent and begging for him back absolutely will not.

Do not lie to your children. This is going to be traumatic enough for them, they need to have at least one parent they know they can count on and if you lie to them and they find out, they may become resentful. Tell them the truth in an age appropriate way and look into therapy for them as well. Either individual or play therapy depending on their ages.

Eat, sleep, exercise, hydrate
Contact at least 3 attorneys
Inform close family and friends
Schedule individual counseling for yourself
Research therapy for your children
Get STD tested

And please keep posting. Everyone is here to support you.

Yes, we are all here to support you. For my part, I am SO ANGRY at him on your behalf. This is not mature, I know, but I would tell him he can take this:

he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this.

and shove it where the sun don't shine.

I am so sorry, HeadStillSpinning. It is cruel, and you will find your anger.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I know a huge part of me is still in denial, it’s like I don’t want to accept it as that makes it real. More real than it already is and the pain I’m in now is almost more than I can bear. I don’t think I can deal with more pain and the thought of telling family, well I’m just not ready.

There are a few people who know, my employer and a trusted ex colleague who has been through divorce as a result of infidelity and they have given me details of their solicitor and some advice.

I’m struggling to eat at all, did try having a drink (alcohol) last night but I felt sick so gave up. Sticking to water and tea. I’m hoping far a call from my GP tomorrow, I’m going to ask for some medication to help me get through this. In an ideal world is like to just sleep for the next 6 months skipping the grief and pain. I need my heart to catch up with my head.

I’m truly grateful for your kind words, I never though I would be here.

Infidelity is the worst pain imaginable. I was a wreck for a long time. There's also the emotional roller coaster that comes and goes.

Be kind to yourself during this time because you've experienced trauma.

HSS,
I was just about to send this post when the site was down for a moment .
Thanks every one in IT to get this site back !!

I want to tell you that you are not alone , we are here to support you .

I just discovered my WH’s affair 18 months ago , was so lost and was fortunate to find this site. The people here were just amazing . I was even contemplating suicide and this support group really pull me back from the abyss and gave me hope .

Keep posting here . You will receive tons of advice that makes it easier for you to navigate this difficult time in your life .

Trust me , it will get better! Support from people in this forum , time and God, will carry you through .

(((Hugs )))

HeadStillSpinning

So sad that you had reason to search the Internet for a site like this, but so glad you found us. Properly used this can be a great resource.

I think one of the key reasons we don’t know how to react on d-day is because we never expect this, never think this trauma through. That’s why I sometimes suggest you replace infidelity with another major trauma, one that you might have experienced, know someone that has experienced or simply heard of or seen enough to know what to do. Like your house being on fire…
If you were to arrive home to see flames reaching out of your windows you would take action. You wouldn’t wait to make 100% certain it’s a fire, wouldn’t try to ignore the smoke. You would call for help, make sure everyone is out and maybe then try to use your garden-hose or extinguisher to deal with the flames. Or spend the time to save what you can. When the firemen get there you won’t be asking them to take off their boots so they don’t stain the carpets. Nor would you be telling them that it’s fine if there are embers left in the living-room. Nor would you be phoning a contractor to fix the burnt bedroom door. Your first actions and priorities are making everyone safe, saving valuables and getting the fire out. It’s only when the flames are out and the smoke stopped that you can evaluate if your home is salvageable, can be fixed or if the damage is so extensive you need to leave.

Well… Your husbands actions are a fire in the marriage. His actions show you his intent more than his words. You need to take his actions seriously and respond by doing the marital equivalent of extinguishing a house-fire.

With three kids IMHO the first thing in line is to research and understand your rights, expectations and the process of divorce.
Maybe not what you want, just like you didn’t want that fire. But its what his words and actions are offering. He might use some nice words like "apart" and "let’s see where this goes" but his ACTIONS are "I have chosen her over you and my family".
As is in nearly all cases it’s all nice and friendly now. Might be able to keep it that way forever. But… more often than not then the WS (your husband) and the OW need something to unite on. A common enemy. Very often that becomes you – the betrayed wife. When push comes to shove and your husband has to decide if he’s using cash to pay for a new water-heater or the romantic weekend in France with his "this-is-the-real-thing" princess… that’s when you start taking cold showers.

I strongly encourage you to face the issues from a stance of reality. That this is what he wants, and that what you want isn’t really so relevant. What is more relevant is what options you have, and what option will ensure you the best future. You can chose from within the options that are available to you.

Right now it does sound like they are two: You can wait and see if he runs off his horns and returns home, or you can accept that he’s chosen her and decide that you aren’t waiting to see what he does.
I strongly suggest the later. If you want this marriage to possibly make it through this, then IMHO it’s better, safer and more sensible to have first dealt with the fire and the consequences.

Go see an attorney. Discover and understand your rights. I’m not suggesting that you go for everything or try to cut him off at the knees. Not suggesting you deprive him of custody or anything of that nature. Start the process, because that gives you a slight advantage in controlling it’s pace. Deal with reality by being real.

Divorce is this funny mathematical equation were having half of what you had half of seems less than having half of what you have half of now…
It’s a complex process – even when people are amicable and friendly – but you want a professional in your corner. Doesn’t automatically lead to court appearances and stacks of legal bills, but you want to make sure your rights are ensured, and the break is as clean as you can make it.

Just as an example of some of the complexities that might or might not apply to you:
You stay at home when the kids were young? Chances are you are entitled to part of his pension or to be financially compensated for that amount.
You two have any credit-cards issued during the marriage? An attorney will ensure that debt is separated, so you don’t start to get letters about his spending in the Caribbean with his new woman.
What about the home? At what point can you deny him entry and change the locks? Like when he returns the kids, can he really just enter or does he have to ask permission?
What about bills and costs during the transmission period?

Please reread Bigger. This is a perfect way to help you through. You must see an attorney today, if possible.

I was in your shoes. One night he comes home late and admits "he was with someone but it’s nothing". 7 days later he’s D me.

Out of the blue.

Right now he’s not thinking clearly - he’s "in love" (or so he thinks) with the OW. It’s all infatuation and just plain nonsense. It’s like having your first crush at aged 12.

You need to see an attorney as others suggested.

You know what kept my H hanging on? He didn’t want anyone else to have me so he stayed just close enough to make sure I still thought we were R. I was R. He was still cheating.

Be distant. Stop being his wife. Read up on the 180 so you can protect yourself.

Nothing you say or do will stop his affair. However, you can do things to protect yourself. Limited interaction with him is one. Speaking to an attorney or two is also needed right now.

Protect yourself.

Hello.

I just wanted to check in with you to see if you are okay. It’s been awhile since you had this bomb dropped on you and you’ve received some good advice from this forum. How are things going? Are you taking care of yourself?

Sending hugs.

Whilst he is feeling generous, get a lawyer to draw up a favourable financial agreement.

Since he appears to be having a bob each way, the minimising, blame shifting and woe is me I lost my way speeches will come along shortly ~ get him to sign on the dotted line before the dust settles.

I am sorry I know it is painful but you need to prioritize your financial future whilst he thinks he has the upper hand.

See your doctor if the anxiety becomes too much.

All the best.

[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 10:16 AM, Tuesday, March 21st]