SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm having a bad day. Its been one where I've been around people who knew me before dday (few months ago) I'm.not ready to tell everyone yet so I pretended in a way by saying nothing.

I got so upset when I was on my own thinking about my children. I've always wanted children, I knew I would be a good mum and I get so much joy from them. I love being a mum, I knew I always would. For me it's what life is about. I don't need anything else.

My sadness comes that why is it that because of WH selfish ans disgusting actions do I get to have time away from my children. As they grown they will experience things without me. How the hell is it fair.

He choose to have affairs, he put his children and me at risk. He had an affair while I was pregnant and had small child.

How is it fair?? I wish he would vanish.

I just needed to vent. It's been a crap day

[This message edited by Notagain6526 at 7:43 PM, Tuesday, February 28th]

Notagain;

It’s not fair. And it’s ok to vent here – that’s one of the site’s reasons for existence. What you say here is what many other people are thinking and experiencing, too. They feel the same way, so when you hear back from other members, those who are just reading can benefit from the conversation, as well. So, thanks for posting and sharing what you’re feeling.

I felt the same way: It was unfair my WW got to go out and "have fun" while I stayed home and watched the kids or was working to pay the bills. She got the excitement of doing something wrong while experiencing the thrill of being caught. She got to enjoy the "secret rendezvous meet-ups", the stolen kisses, the sneaking around at work, and all that other stuff. Those things should have been reserved for me and me alone. In the end, I’m crushed beyond what I thought I could handle and riddled with pain while she enjoys memories of fun and excitement. Not fair! Not fair at all!!

And you’re right about putting you at risk. It isn’t fair that the WS gets to have all this "sexual fun" then comes home and has sex with you. They put us at risk of transmitting an STD without our knowledge or consent. And if they do give us something, we have to live with that the rest of our lives and have to warn our next potential partner who, after finding out, may end the relationship. Not fair! Not fair at all!!

I wish I could share with you a solution, but I don’t have one. All I can do is sit beside you and hopefully provide some comfort.

Eventually, though, you’re going to have to dry your eyes, stand up, and start moving in a positive direction. I believe our children will eventually realize the truth and come around. There will be lost time, and again, that’s not fair. But we can’t dwell too long in this place. For a few minutes – that’s ok. We need to sometimes. When you’re ready, it will be time to march on.

I don’t know your thoughts on God and Jesus Christ, so my intent here is to not offend, but share with you what helps me. Maybe it will help you, too. Get alone and tell God everything. He’s listening. He really cares. Tell Him if you’re angry at Him. He already knows, so it’s ok. Be sure to lay everything at the foot of the cross, at the feet of God on the throne. He may not change things overnight, but He will always be there to comfort and guide you through this dark time. We here at SI are also here to help you. You are not alone.

@beachwalker

Thanks you. I really appreciate your words. I am also sorry for yoy experienced.

Today's been a bad day. Cuddles from my babies helped.

If there's one positive to come of this, I have found comfort going back to mass. It's a safe and familiar place so thank you very much for your kind words.

[This message edited by Notagain6526 at 9:09 PM, Tuesday, February 28th]

(((Not Again)))

Sending you a hug. Do you have a few close friends that you can talk too? I completely relate to not opening up to everyone- but if you had even 1 or 2 trusted people you could confide in? Maybe that would help?

In the early days I got help wherever I could, anonymous helplines etc. They all helped me. I didn’t reach out to friends at the time in the early stages, I wasn’t ready, but reaching out to SI and anonymous helplines was an absolute lifeline. As there was no connection to my XWS and no opinions. I needed to talk in total confidence at that time. They were amazing. I’m not sure where you are based, but in the UK I used the Samaritans and it really helped. I hope you have something similar where you are.

You sound like a lovely mum. All I can say is that it does get easier over time. I never believed it at the time but it does. And then you start to heal, and see them for who they truly are. That takes time but it will come.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

It's most definitely not fair.

Like you, I have also held off on telling people, but I've just started therapy (alone) and that has been amazing. Finally a space where I can talk about these things eating me alive! I have also started journaling, and that has really helped. Posting here, too, obviously.

When you love your children, you put them first even as you manage something like this. That means we give some things up, and that really, really sucks. Don't think about him. Think about what they need, and embrace that even when we do not see it right away, karma is a thing and our good actions come back to us down the road—and their crappy ones come back to them.

That said, this morning I wanted to howl in rage and pain at him and at the world. I wanted to post on social media that my so-called upstanding spouse is so selfish he can't even process the pain he has caused me—but I just kept drinking my coffee and making sure my youngest got herself off to school on time. So yeah. Not fair. Bad day.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Keep moving!

Thanks so much for your replies.

Felt calmer today. I've told my immediate family but I have guilt when I offload on them because I know they want to see that I'm healing but I know that's going to take some time.

I get part of some days where I'm calm and I know it will be OK but then sadness comes especially when I worry about impact it will have on my children.

@reckless forever- I know what you mean about wanting to scream what wh has done from the rooftops. You're right though surely karma will sort them out

I know that feeling of not wanting to offload to family and friends so well. For various reasons, the hope of R, not wanting burden etc. it can be a lonely time carrying that burden alone. That is how it felt for me.

We are here for you so keep posting. We are all here for you.

When you are ready reaching out to trusted friends can help.

You are doing the very best for your children in despite very difficult circumstances. I admire your strength.

Nope, not a thing about it is fair, I like you played by the rules and got blindsided

Never easy when your spouse cheats. Have you considered counseling?

I hear you Notagain.

Unfortunately, there is nothing fair for the BS.

I do understand that some days are better than others when dealing with fairness and justice struggles.

Sending hugs and strength.

Nothing fair about it, and it sucks.
A few ideas to help a little:
Have you tried IC? It can help to really vent there and work through all the issues that come up.
Although not having your kids 100% of the time will suck, some folks come back here after D and tell us that the silver lining is that when the spouse has the kids, they do all the chores and that allows them to be 100% focused on the kids when it’s their turn. The result is amazing quality time when you have them. Fair? No. But maybe won’t be as bad as fear (at least I hope so for you).

Keep posting - we understand.