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During the early days of Covid when my wife and 2 children and I were locked at home together, my spouse started going through menopause and to some degree it changed her. She told me as it started that she felt turned off my sex and intimacy and she hoped over time it would get better.

Weeks turned into months of no physical relationship which wasn’t for my lack of trying from time to time and we’d reached the 6th month mark. She was occasionally going out with friends who were female teachers she worked with at her school which wasn’t like her as she was not one to party or drink or stay out till all hours during any time in our relationship. But again I thought menopause was impacting her emotionally and she needed to find herself. The late nights were very infrequent but would be her leaving at 5 for dinner with the "girls" and not rolling back home until the wee hours of rhe night, sometimes 230 to 330 am and the excuse was they were all playing games and talking and lost track of time. This seemed off to me as going out at 5 and returning even at 1 am for her meant 8 hours out and about and this was very far from her personality.

At this point I was pushing the request for intimacy more often and was still being denied. At some point she’d had it with my requests and she came to me and said that she didn’t know when her desire for sex may return and that she would be okay, tentatively, with me finding a physical relationship with another woman if i needed it that badly and that she would be okay with it but she didn’t want to know about it. This seemed very odd to me and I questioned her authenticity on this as it sounded very out of character.

Another week went by and I came back to her and said hey, wanted to let you know I found someone who was willing to have just an intimate relationship with me and I wanted to let you know. Clearly I had not but wanted to see what she said. At first she didn’t care but eventually she began asking questions, who is this person, where did you find her, what kind of gross woman would agree to a sexual relationship with a married man.

A few moments later I caved and said I was being dishonest and wanted to see her reaction and at that point I’d had enough and asked what was really going on. She looked at me and said it was bad and said she had "met"An old high school crush online and three bonded over life trapped at home during Covid, getting older and not being happy at life and feeling they had unhappy marriages. This went from a lot of emailing and texting to meeting for coffee and then sex. To her though, it ended with love and this was the relationship she wanted and wanted to end our marriage to be with him. This explained the late nights out not returning till dawn and her lack of desire to have sex with me, she was in bed with him.

I left immediately for 3 days as I was on a state of shock. I had no idea what to say or do at that point so I went to stay with a friend and was in a Xanax induced sleep for most of the time i was there. When I wasn’t asleep I was calling my EAP plan for counseling and advice and twice called the MA 800# for suicide.

Eventually I made it back home but I never really became angry. It was heavy depression, pain and fear. Upon getting home my 2 girls wondered where I had been but my older daughter who was 14 at the time was angry with me, laying into me that I was a horrible father and this break up of rhe family was my fault. When I was home my wife had twisted her side of the story saying I had been an uncaring husband and that mom had found love. Granted we didn’t have a perfect marriage but the story she gave them made her look like a saint and she deserved to head out and find love with another man.

As I got back, my wife let me know she had spoken with this guy and she planned to move out and get an apartment with him and take my kids.

Fast forward a few days and she’d had another chat with her new bf and he clearly wasn’t ready to jump ship and move in so she backtracked and said, I’m staying home and you can’t kick me out. Over time, maybe the next two or three months or so as things became real And calmed down a little, I was able to do some detective work and figure out who he was, where he worked and where he lived. I also found out he was also married, had 5 children, 2 of which were 8 yr old twins and that while my wife had told me about this affair and her love, that he asked for time and wanted to get his kids older before he broke uo his home. Apparently my wife agreed to that.

I fell apart during the process and had day in and day out anxiety and stress and most 30 lbs, hardly worked and didn’t take care of myself. Wasn’t eating, wasn’t showering. I barely existed and wanted to end things from time to time.

I’ve made some progress since those dark days but I’m far from okay. We didn’t have the $ to get divorced and our fear was how everything was going to impact our girls. While I’ve received a lot of flax for it, we have remained living under the same roof. One, bc I don’t want to move out of the house I pay for, two bc this joke of a man says he will not be ready to make his relationship official and public with her for years and bc I want to be front and center for my kids 100% of the time, not splitting them between 2 shitty apartments as they have begged me several times nkt to sell the house. Allow them to stay home till college.

So this is where I am, my ex sees this man maybe twice a month when he can sneak away. Sadly my mother in law knew about the affair and told my wife to keep it quiet for 5 years till our girls got out of high school but that failed.

I’m trying to get better but it’s hard and yes staying at home may not be the best idea but I am unable at this point to survive in an apartment alone, I’m terrified of living out my 50s and beyond alone, my kids will be gone in a few years and what, see them a few times a year? It hurts she’s going to move on to a relationship I assume but a big part of me hopes it never works out, that he never leaves his wife. I’m sure he will hurt having to pick up spousal and child support for 5 children.

I’m scared at what the future holds…I’m not sure I can do this on my own and I feel like I’m going to have to live alone and be alone and I’m not sure I can pull through doing that. All my friends are married with kids and havimited time to spend with me. I’m going to need support, going to need someone to be there and this last year and a half I’ve been desperately searching for a relationship which I know is the wrong way to do it. I’m in therapy but it only feels good the hour I’m there and once I’m gone I go back to anxiety and fear. I’m scared I’m not going to fine and I’m delaying the future as long as I can.

News flash. The BF has bailed. He’s not waiting a few years. His kids have nothing to do with him leaving. He has lied to her and is stringing her along.

You can reconcile from this with professional counseling and a willingness to both commit to the marriage.

The fact she lied to your children is disturbing and this needs to be addressed.

Aaargh!!!!
Brother you do know that divorce is not a failure. It just means things didn’t work out. Children are resilient and if teenagers are better off knowing the truth. I know OMs like this. They are scum and will string their affair partners for years without committing. And women like your wife will accept those crumbs without complaining.
You will be better off without her. Let her go, mourn the end of your relationship for a month and then embrace life and happiness.
You will survive and thrive without this millstone around your neck.

He's not waiting until his kids are older. He's playing your wife. He's using her for sex.

Call his wife and tell her about the affair. Then watch how fast OM ghosts your wife,and how quickly your wife realizes she was nothing more than sex to this OM.

Pup,

You need to start moving forward out of infidelity. As your wayward wife is a remorseless liar who continues to cheat your only option is divorce.

First step, contact the other man’s wife and let her know the reality of her marriage. He’ll throw your WW under the bus to save his marriage. She might think it’s true love but 95% chance he’s just in it for sex.

If your IC isn’t trained to handle trauma, find one who is.

If you haven’t consulted with an attorney or three, brother you’re way past due.

Start reading in the healing library here and Tactical Primer at the top of the Just Found Out forum.

Some other reading material: Cheating in a Nutshell and The Journey From Abandonment to Healing.

Lastly, unless that signature is a nom de plume you need to edit it.

You need to contact obs and inform her about her husband's infidelity. This will definitely reveal his true intentions and true nature to your wife when he throws her under the bus to save hid skin. Exposure will also kill the affair.

Also, what kind of gross woman agrees to have sex with a married man?

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 6:43 AM, Monday, February 13th]

I was in a similar situation, our kids the same age and I felt just as hopeless. My Fww pulled the same shit on my impressionable young kids and turned one of them against me.

Here’s what I did:

I got a divorce.

I took care of MYSELF.

I choose to be happy.

I continued to be a good, strong Father. A stable and consistent, reliable force in my kid’s life rather than raise them in a toxic dysfunctional home with two broken parents. At least they would have one wholesome, happy, mature, stable parent in their life.

I eventually found love again and remarried.

I continued to enrich my life and thrive. This provided my kids with a healthy example of how a Father handles his shit when faced with a crisis.

My 14 year old, with maturity, eventually came around and we have reconciled. Now I and all three kids, now adults, are doing very well.

This whole shit show, if managed correctly, can provide your kids an extremely valuable life lesson. Show your kids how to survive and thrive when they too are faced with adversity.

Start by protecting and maintaining your dignity. Then, deliberately get yourself out of infidelity. It will be very rough at first, but things will improve. Then, provide your kids a stable environment and an inspiring example of dignity and integrity. If possible, try and forge the best coparenting relationship with your Ex.

Do not feed into or validate your WW’s false narrative of you. Right now, it sounds like you’re feeding right into it. When she says you’re weak, you be strong. When she says you’re a mess, you get your shit together. When she says you sucked as a husband, you be a great Father. When she says you didn’t show her love, you show your kids a loving father. When she calls you a liar and an asshole, you show everyone a man of integrity.

Eventually, your kids will make up their own minds when they see a strong, healthy, thriving, happy, loving Father with a strong sense of self determination.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:17 AM, Monday, February 13th]

Tell OM’s wife. You have nothing to gain by being a co-conspirator to his affair with your WW and nothing to lose by telling OBS the truth.

Don’t tell your wife that you plan on outing the affair to OBS; she will warn OM, who will give his wife a cover story and probably lock down her social media accounts or block your number.

You also need to consult a divorce attorney and file. You say that you’re still together because you can’t afford to divorce, but I guarantee that your wife would be gone by now if OM had followed through on leaving his wife.

Believe it or not, the 1-2 punch of telling his wife + filing for divorce is the best chance you have at saving your marriage. The possibility of losing everything might wake your wife up from fantasyland.

But if not, then you will save yourself YEARS of living with someone who treats you with nothing but contempt.

Puppy

A lot in life isn’t about what you want but what you have to do.
It’s not as grim as it sounds, a lot in our life is controlled by limitations. Like you might want a Rolls Royce, but are content with the Toyota. Might want to eat steak, but are happy with fish because you know it’s healthy.

Your wife has given you some grim options. Only… it’s your call what options you accept. She can dictate – but there is nothing that says her views or opinions are the ones that are available.
Like right away a simple one: She states she was going to leave and take the kids with her…
Well… as far as the law is concerned she CAN leave, but you have a say in the kids future. Yes – it might end with OM and your wife moving into a new home and your kids being there every second week… BUT it’s not HER to decide if she takes the kids with her or not. She cant decide or dictate how the marriage ends.

Remember YOU have options. You can accept your wife’s offer of being around until OM feels fine with moving out. You can accept some offer where you change and that fixes all the issues that made her have to seek out the OM.
Or… you can accept that your wife isn’t offering you a marriage and that you deserve more.

I have this near-standard text I encourage a betrayed spouse to use:

"Wife. I love you and have always envisioned life with you. However I have made a key realization: I don’t share my wife nor compromise my expectations of marriage. Losing you might be hard, but sharing you with another man is immensely worse. I can eventually recover from not having you, but I can never accept sharing you.
So… I am setting you free. I am releasing you from any and all expectations I might have to you as wife. This is a two-staged process. There is a legal aspect that is controlled by law and should ensure us both fair treatment. I plan on getting that process started soon.
Then there is the emotional and social aspect. I am still emotionally attached to this marriage, and will start what is needed to diminish that attachment. The social aspect requires us to let stakeholders know what’s going on, and to adapt our behaviors to each other and others accordingly.

If you want this marriage then there is a very narrow window of time for you to let me know. That has to be done very clearly and it does require some actions and behaviors. But I am content with my decision. I KNOW that in a year or two I will be fine without you, whereas I also know that sharing you for a month more will drive me crazy. The further along on this road I go the more content I will be with my decision and the less appealing this marriage will be."

And that’s it. No discussion. Until and unless she tells you she wants to work on the marriage there is NO PURPOSE whatsoever to do so.
Like if her reaction is "You leave the house" your reaction is "That is part of what we will decide in the divorce process. I’m too emotionally attached to this marriage to be logical and sensible on that issue so let’s allow the correct people to decide how that goes"

If she says she was forced to seek solace in another mans arms because you weren’t attentive/got fat/left your belly-rubble on the table… (whatever) your standard response:
"I am sorry you feel that way. If we were working at our marriage we could address that in MC. However since you are committed to your affair there isn’t any need to go there".
And then you just hum a tune and go mow the lawn or rearrange your socks or whatever. You don’t partake in any drama or any discussion. As-is any discussion is like negotiating with a mugger if he beats you before or after taking your wallet. Not worth it and not going to change the outcome.

One of your first moves today is to find this man's wife and let her know about her husband's affair with your wife. Give her the facts about how long you know it's been going on, how you know, etc. Let her decide about her life. She may give him his wish and set him free for your wife and if they are stupid enough to run towards each other in that, well, you would have your answer about whether she was even worthy of ever becoming a candidate for R. At this point she has given you nothing to work with. You can't kick her out of the house, but you sure could boot her ass to a guest bedroom or the couch.

Staying M under the conditions your WW has placed is soul crushing and toxic to you. Your children already have a mother who was willing to blow up her family to be with her "true luv" aka cheating father of five. Please don't let her actions destroy you also.

Concentrate on doing what's best for you first. Get yourself healthy first. Your kids need at least one healthy parent. Your WW isn't going to fill that role. With the options you have been given that is only going to be by D. Your WW is determined to be with AP part time. Go ahead and set her free to be with him FT. Be the best father you can be for the 50% of the time you have your kids. Trust me that is better than what they will have when this breaks you.

At first she didn’t care but eventually she began asking questions, who is this person, where did you find her, what kind of gross woman would agree to a sexual relationship with a married man.

Not very self-reflective is she? She's already being a terrible role model for your daughters future relationships. Look at how she's already warped the 14-year old's views. Just like your WW models how they believe they should be in a relationship, you will be modeling what your daughters expect from a spouse. That their spouse will be there regardless of how your daughters treat them. That betraying them is ok. That's not how healthy marriages work. It's bad enough they have a mother that is demonstrating that it's ok to cheat on their spouse after vowing till death to us part. Don't compound that by being ok in a sham marriage.

I'm sorry your WW has done this to you. Many here have been through the exact same situation and ultimately survived and found happiness with or without their WS.

That's the number one thing to understand. You will be happy again if you desire it and pursue it. What you're feeling right now is the perfectly normal response to the trauma you've suffered. You've been betrayed by the person you trusted the most and had your support system ripped away from you. It takes time to find your bearings after a shock like that.

With or without your WW you will find happiness again. You are better than your WW deserves right now.

I understand all your fears and worries about what lies ahead. We didn't have children when I was going through this, but as a child of divorce I can tell you that it's important to be truthful with your children and show them that you're making every effort to repair the damage, but that you're going to insist that you be treated with respect and dignity - things that your WW is certainly not giving you right now.

As others have said, it's important to inform the OBS as soon as possible and without warning to your WW. I'd suggest a certified letter with signature required. Include some evidence since OM will surely deny everything. This will likely blow the whole thing up and bring it crashing back to earth.

Even if that happens you have some serious soul searching to do on what you want for your future. Your WW isn't just "on the fence." She has decided that she doesn't want you. You should consider what it means to reconcile with that.

Get into IC with a therapist that treats relationship betrayal as trauma. Read up on the "180" and start focusing on yourself. Move into another room if possible. Talk with a lawyer and begin separating your finances.

Wishing you the best. Stay strong.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 10:09 PM, Monday, February 13th]