SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out my wife was cheating on our 20 year anniversary date.June 28th 2022 and haunts still haunts me ,because I don't think she would have told me.She was telling the other guy she loves him. She never admitted to cheating, but deep down I think she did. I ask her what really happened she says she was but she stopped because she loved me so much. But how can you love someone you never slept with.

Now we are together and working it out , we broke up and I had sex with a woman that was listening to me I told her than all of a sudden she wanted to come back. WE are back together but help WHY DID SHE COME BACK SO fast and is she playing me.She gave me all her passwords to all her accounts, she cut ties with the guys. But I just don't know. I have bad thoughts all the time but she says she is fine. My confidence is shattered.

You didn’t share much of your history, but if both of you have jumped to other people then it’s probably not meant to be.

Let me start over, I found out on June 28th 2022. She jept in contact withthe guy and was telling him she lives him. I threw her out of the house and went and slept with a friend. After I told her she all of a sudden wanted to come back. How do I know if it is true.

Sorry that you've had to find SI. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you might find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has good information. Plus, there's a list of the acronyms we use.

Infidelity really messes with your self-esteem, and puts you in an emotional roller coaster.

Were you divorced when you slept with the friend?

You may never know if your WW (wayward wife) is telling the truth. I mean, how do we ever really know if somebody is truthful? The broken trust makes it difficult to believe what they're saying.

Sounds like she’s playing games.

I hope it’s not a case of "I don’t want my H but I do t want anyone else to have him either".

Or maybe she’s just scared now that you will D her.

Either way it’s going to take a big commitment to Reconcile. And counseling all around.

I hope you get what you want in the end.

To me it sounds just like a couple of really confused and messed up people reeling from the effects of infidelity. Not surprising because this is a major trauma and it would take a cyborg to be not affected by it all.
Look – there is not automatic connection between love and sex. Your wife could have loved the man to bits without ever having seen his bits. Maybe they had sex. Maybe not. Maybe they wanted. Maybe they were at it like rabbits. In many ways that’s not the issue. The big issue is that still now – this many months since – YOU aren’t feeling safe.

The throwing out, having what is basically a revenge-sex affair… all signs of strung emotions and – frankly – knee-jerk reactions. Not things that will get your progress.

And yes – it IS quite common that when faced with reality the wayward spouse backpedals. Once they realize that the other man also farts in his sleep and maybe isn’t all excited about having his piece of side-tail in the same house as his pissed off wife.

My recommendation to you:
Look at your wife and remember: The ONLY reason she’s there is because you want her to be there. At the same time: The only reason she’s looking at you is because she wants you as her husband. If either statement is not true then you two can divorce and have everything over in a couple of months.
Once you realize and accept you are there because you want to, then face the truth. Make it clear to her that you NEED to know the absolute truth about what happened. Only – if you are 100% certain that knowing they had sex would end the marriage don’t bother. Just divorce. If you want the truth you need to be prepared to handle it. MAYBE it leads to D, maybe not. What I can promise you is that the doubts, the questions… THEY will lead to misery – be it married or single.

How do you move on and forget or even handle the thoughts.My wife is doing fine she doesn't ask me anything or show she is bothered. But I am haunted everyday.

My wife is doing fine she doesn't ask me anything or show she is bothered.

Why wouldn't she be fine. She was ok doing it, so she's unlikely to have issues afterwards. If she loved you so much she would have not started or stopped on her own. She didn't. She kept it up until you kicked her out. She told another person that she loved him. Physical affairs require desire by both parties and opportunity. If AP is local, it is safe to assume that they had sex unless you uncover proof otherwise.

Let's be real. She came back so quick because you provide more value to her life than being alone or with AP. That's not enough to sustain a normal relationship nevertheless one tainted by infidelity.

Like others have said kind of light on details.

Do you know who the AP is? Is he a co-worker, a BF from the past, some stranger until the A?

Do you have kids?

How unequal is your incomes?

How much shared assets and liabilities?

Because right now from what you describe, your M is done unless both of you dig deep and fight for it. Regardless of whether you want it, I don't think your WW does. She just doesn't want to face the consequences of her actions. She hasn't even admitted what she did.

You move forward by getting yourself out of infidelity. In light of above, the fastest, surest way out of infidelity for you is to D.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:43 PM, Monday, February 13th]

Nobody is suggesting you forget.
If you decide to reconcile you do decide to forgive – or at least to not let the actions control your life. But to forgive you need to know what you are forgiving.
Right now you are a bit like a kid that hurt his foot and is afraid of looking to see if it’s a scrape, a bruise or a cut. Fact is that if it’s a bruise it’s a bruise, if it’s a cut it’s a cut. Nothing changes that. IF your wife had sex with OM then she had sex with OM. Not knowing won’t change that fact. Make that clear to her: any possibility of reconciliation is based on truth.

It usually is more difficult to forget or forgive an emotional affair because it means your spouse/so felt love for another. (Sex, as you had it with your one nighter, can be tab A into slot B with no emotion involved). I don’t know if you CAN get over it. That is such an individual situation.

My husband had a crush on a woman he worked with. I was way more threatened by that than I was when I found out about his dalliances while traveling. Our h or w should not be giving their love to others.

I hope you can manage to find peace. Without it your physical being is damaged. Stress is cumulative. This is why people on here always say to survive infidelity anyway you can. Whether it is R or D or S you will recover once you decide which is best for you.

Okay here is the full story, We have two kids together one, 19 one 17 about to graduate and start college. The day I found outvwas June 29th one day after 20 year anniversary 345 in the morning. Police knocked on my door because the coworker she was seeing had crashed our son car , she let him hold it because she didn't want him homeless because his girl cheated on him and he was confiding in my wife and she never told me.

So after I found out I asked her did anything ever happen she said they made out in my son's car. I left that day for a week after that she never said sorry or anything , she only kept crying. So I said if that is all I forgive you and move on , she said okay. On a Friday she went to work and I usually help her with her work on Fridays so she doesn't work to late.So before I went to help her still keeping my commitments to her, I investigated and got on her fb and she was on messenger with another guy I never knew about. I confronted her that night and all she could say was we will talk about it. I left that night again.

A week later she would text me periodically and ask how I was doing nothing more. So I started hanging out doing things for myself. One night she called me to come and be with her and I did , we started over again.Then I went through her phone and found a secret app to chat on , I asked her about it she said she never used it , come to find out she texted her coworker she misses him. That's when said fuck it and went out with a friend and told her then I threw her out.Then she shouted out she slept with the coworker and I said I don't care. I gave her 1000 sent her on her way and made sure she took everything. So this is where it gets confusing for me. Two weeks go by and she texted me the same how are you I chat with her. Then she just start showing me all the conversations she is having with the coworker and the other guy.
I tell her I don't care she tells me she just want to be honest. So she shows me text messages of her breaking it off with the guys Remember I am talking to lady friends and the one I slept with.

So my wife ask can we make it work a week before our Disney trip that I told her I no longer wanted to go to.i went and we had a blast, so based off of that trip we got back together.So I asked my wife was it true when you said you slept with your coworker and she said no ,I asked what about the car incident she said that also wasn't true. So I ask what made you come back to me all of a sudden , she said because she wanted too.

So now I had to block the guys my wife was talking to through fb and her phone. I asked her why didn't she do it she said because they won't contact her anymore. I find that hard to believe. Throughout all this we were still having relations and it was great , I got tested and everything. So now my thoughts are fucking with me and I don't trust her and why did she tell me they made out in the car and she had sex with him and took it back. She constantly tells me she loves me all the time , but I just don't know , my heart doesn't feel secure around her.

Tell her to write out a timeline. Once it’s in black and white it’s a lot harder change the story or claim false confessions or misunderstandings. Tell her it should include not only her recent cheating but also any other inappropriate behavior from the time you became exclusive. Tell her it will be verified by polygraph. Follow through.

Wait, she cheated on you and then you cheated on her, now your wife is back and is all nice and acting like nothing happened and you are still suffering, correct?

Her AP wrecked your sons car, because your wife did not want him to be homeless cuz his girl cheated on him???? What is going on in this fiasco????

This is sadly all around toxic stuff OP

Both of you need to look at your families of origin. Sometimes chaos in a childhood is considered normal to the child so that’s what they bring forth into their marriage. It appears the two of you have some thrill dealing with the adrenaline rush you get from this. You must know this is not healthy. It certainly isn’t healthy for your children.

Before you try to deal with anything in your marriage both of you need individual counseling and not with the same therapist.

Time for a family meeting!

This is a mess turning into an all out shit show and your teen kids are going to get the brunt of it if you two don’t stop F-ing with each other.

By the numbers, in priority order, let’s methodically stop the madness, initiate a process to: stop the damage (take a timeout), gather the facts, do a damage assessment, determine your mutual desired outcomes, get you BOTH out of infidelity.

I would have a serious, sober, formal sit-down with her to learn and initiate the following:

-Damage Assessment: (Timeline, full disclosure, mutual desired outcome determination)
-Damage Control: (NC, boundaries, No Social Media, full transparency)
-Damage Mitigation: (IC, then eventually MC)

There are many ways to tease out honesty and full disclosure. Start by making it safe for her to disclose. Tell her if there’s ANY chance for R, it will be facilitated by honesty. Tell her that any latent lies will result in damaging set backs, so let’s just get it all out on the table now. Tell her trust can’t begin to rebuild until the last lie is told, the last omission is made.

Collect all her comms tech and tell her you will have it analyzed with software that can recall deleted texts, hidden pics and hidden apps and photo vaults. Tell her if your investigation reveals further lies and omissions, this will result in serious setbacks up to and including immediate divorce.

Do a full investigation of your own. Solicit the help of a PI with technical forensic capabilities if you need help. Many times just the threat of doing this level of investigation will get a WS to give up the goods.

And then there’s the polygraph maneuver.

And then, you just have to come to terms that if you R, you will never know the whole truth and, If you divorce you won’t care.

WS’s rarely ever-if ever, tell their BSs EVERYTHING and, you’re just going to have to figure out what level of disclosure you can live with because it won’t be FULL disclosure.

After about six years go by, you’ll eventually stop obsessing about what you don’t know. The mind eventually becomes exhausted ruminating over the same shit, over and over again. If your WS is consistent with her remorseful good actions towards R, that will also help you to move on and rebuild trust.

Double post

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:32 AM, Tuesday, February 14th]

Update, Me and my wife are fighting to make it work.She gives me access to her phone , I have all her passwords. She worries that I am still seeing the other person. But I worry that I can't trust her. I deleted all my social media so she doesn't have too worry and changed phone number. She hasn't deleted hers or changed her phone number. We are doing good , but should I worry or just keep at it.

Uhhhhh?

She needs to delete her social media and change phone numbers as well.

That’s a no brainer.

You can’t trust her because you don’t know if you’re safe and you don’t know of you have the whole truth.

The people on here know what they are talking about.

The only thing I will add is you do have to move on eventually or what’s the point of staying in this relationship.

Go through the investigation period now.

It will not get better to do it 1 month, 2 months 6 months or a year later.

She did not give some guy your sons car because he was a really good friend.

Rip the band aid off and get to the bottom of things now so the only direction you can go is up.

Dam right her social media and phone number are getting changed tomorrow.

I’m sorry for what happened to you.