BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 7:24 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023
Thank you for your suggestions. Right now, the only time I feel better at all is if I'm talking about what happened or drinking. Not healthy, I know. I plan to address it with the new IC on Thursday.
BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 7:31 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023
Now what to do next: implement a hard 180. Although the 180 seems to be counterintuitive, it is the best way to deal with infidelity. It will make you stronger and it will expose your WH to the consequences of his actions.
I've basically done this and gone NC. The problem is I don't think he gives a shit. Bringing me to your next question...
By the way, is the OP married or have a boyfriend? Also, since it’s a work affair, does their supervisor know? This is all very important. Most workplaces frown upon, if not, punish work affairs.
Yes, AP is married. I don't believe their supervisor knows. My state has alienation of affection still on the books and I'm considering filing a suit. I haven't taken any action yet because I'm hoping he will sign the separation agreement and it's some of the best leverage I have.
I do want to talk to OBS and with some of WH's work colleagues who had become my friends. WH says OBS knows, but he's a liar, so who knows? I want to talk to the "friends" and see what they knew when. Also, WH derives all his self-worth from his job, I think it's reasonable that people he respects know who he really is. That's part of what's killing me, I am being completely open with people in my circle but have kept silent with everyone else in the hopes of getting a fair separation agreement and now he's dragging his feet. The whole problem with him is he doesn't seem to understand that actions have consequences.
crazycatlady ( member #12849) posted at 7:56 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023
OMG, she’s married? Blow their world up. Don’t tell the OP anything. Let her husband know what’s she’s done. Let their work know what they did. The 180 isn’t to get your spouse back, it’s to get you back, to strengthen you. It’s to practice moving on without them until you realize you don’t need a lying cheater in your life. Once I did it my FWH was a mess. Not all will respond as he did but that’s not the point. Its main goal is to get YOU back on your feet.
Tell the OP spouse asap. It it truly the best thing to do and don’t let anyone know beforehand. After that, sit back and eat popcorn, the show will be delicious.
Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"
D-Day: Nov 30, 2006
"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."
Prettyflawed ( new member #80840) posted at 10:49 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023
Tell the AP's husband. I doubt he knows. Your husband has lied for years so I would not take his word for it. Do not tell the husband by way of social media as the OP seems to intercept. Try to find where they work and contact them there.
I'm glad you are able to see a counselor soon.
[This message edited by Prettyflawed at 10:50 PM, Tuesday, February 14th]
BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 3:08 PM on Wednesday, February 15th, 2023
My lawyer gave WH until Friday to sign the agreement, so I plan to wait until then to speak with OBS. If he does not sign or provide a counter by then I am also going to tell his bosses, the HR department for the whole company, his family, work friends, and anyone else I can think of.
I did send him an email yesterday which, of course, he hasn't responded to, outlining how f'd up it is he has not responded to the separation agreement. He said he felt unprepared, which is such bullshit bc he's had a year to think about this and I've had 2 weeks. I'm starting to think he's doing everything he can to avoid the consequences of his actions. Well, if he wants my silence he can purchase it.
I saw charges on our bank account from 2/13 for an AirBnB in a nearby town. I can't think of any reason he would be there, it's not near his work. He also purchased items from a pharmacy, grocery store, Chinese food, and a hardware store. I can only assume WH and AP are living together there, but I can't figure out why they would be in that town. I'm trying not to care but it's hard. I think my brain is trying to fill in holes bc I feel so unsafe and scared now. My whole life was turned upside down and I was blindsided, I think I'm scared the next sinkhole could come from anywhere so I'm hyper-vigilant.
He also needs to figure out he does not live in our house anymore. He opened a new bank account and the card and info was sent to my house! He won't be getting that anytime soon.
One thing I'm struggling with today is feeling envious of the people on this forum (and other places) whose WSs are seeking to R after an A. I know it's not what I want, but I feel like garbage tossed away with no thought or remorse. We were married 15 years and he just walks away like it was nothing. I keep thinking how you all must be so much more lovable than I am. I know this isn't reality, but it feels real right now. I even know his not wanting to R makes it easier in some senses, but it still hurts. I still think about him and miss him and our life constantly. I dream every night this is all a mistake somehow and then I wake up feeling like I've been punched in the gut.
fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 3:29 PM on Wednesday, February 15th, 2023
So sorry you are going through this. You have suffered a real trauma. The feelings of rejection and betrayal are so very normal. But they are feelings and with time you will see the reality. You are the prize. Your WH is a coward who cannot face you or himself. It would take courage and humility to pursue the possibility of R. He is not up to it. And you definitely deserve better. Hang in there. It does get better.
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 11:10 PM on Wednesday, February 15th, 2023
One thing I'm struggling with today is feeling envious of the people on this forum (and other places) whose WSs are seeking to R after an A.
Don't. Most of the time it's complete bullshit that just serves to devastate the BS more and for longer, keeping them sucking on that hopium. I'm almost 8 years out and I wish my WH had just fucked off at the beginning. I'd be so much healthier and happier now.
Many DDays. Me (BW) 48 Him (WH) 51
Happily detached and compartmentalized.
Woundidwife ( new member #81201) posted at 4:03 AM on Thursday, February 16th, 2023
I would agree with Trapped74.
Also for me, it was maybe more devastating that my stbxch did this horrible thing to me/is and then SUDDENLY he was super husband? Everything I ever wanted? Fantastic. A little bit too late. I have always been a cuddler…he never was. Now suddenly he wants to cuddle all the time? He was a yeller, I asked him not to be. (Asked him to go to anger management, several times, actually.) Now suddenly he has no temper at all and takes whatever rant I am on? I love to read, but haven’t been permitted to for years because wasn’t there "something more useful" I could be doing with that time? Now he reads. Always listened to the music HE preferred. No one else’s opinions mattered. Suddenly, he will listen to whatever I want to listen to? Where was this guy BEFORE he showed me how little I meant to him.
So treat me like trash, them really shit on me, and suddenly become something halfway decent, so I am supposed to forgive and forget?
Nah man. Not happening. Don’t insult me.
Really examine your relationship. I am willing to bet there were cracks all over it…but HINDSIGHT is 20/20.
You don’t see it when you are living it. My ex is a narcissist.
If you drop a frog into a boiling pit of water it will fight for its life…if you put a frog in cold water and slowly bring it to a boil, it will peacefully cook to death. I was that second frog. Narcissists do this to people and quite often, cheaters ARE narcissists.
You can’t help but feel this way for a while, but you are better than the way he has made you feel. (It will SLOWY dissipate with time.) Rejection is awful no matter how the waywards behave afterwards. The betrayal and perceived rejection is what hurts. They are greedy and want to "have their cake and eat it, too"—no matter what destruction they leave in their wake. You are just collateral damage.
I hope for your sale he stays gone and doesn’t come back with ideas of R. If he does, you are in a weakened state and might come around, thinking this is now a good idea…but I can tell you, statistically, cheaters don’t change. I can also tell you that your feelings of disgust and loss of trust will NEVER change. One thing that helped me make my decision to D was that I realized how much I would need to contort myself into a person that I actually hated to be able to forgive AND reconcile. (I have since forgiven him, but we’re never going to reconcile—despite his delusional belief that "maybe a year or two from now…")
Anyway, I’d be further ahead now on everything, if I hadn’t wasted time on attempting R for HIS sake…as I KNEW in my heart that I NEVER wanted that. So in that regard, I wish I had been where you are.
Keep breathing. You can do this.
Woundidwife ( new member #81201) posted at 4:09 AM on Thursday, February 16th, 2023
I think the fact that he COULD change and DID change, but not FOR ME…only to save HIS skin, AFTER shitting on me…
Only THEN did he realize how wonderful I was? How great our marriage really was?
Well, guess what. I was the SAME person before and after.
I was loyal and loving. Now I am much the same, but there is also an anger there that wasn’t before. I am also a bit less sensitive now, I think.
BrokenMechanic ( new member #82621) posted at 6:07 AM on Thursday, February 16th, 2023
One thing I'm struggling with today is feeling envious of the people on this forum (and other places) whose WSs are seeking to R after an A. I know it's not what I want, but I feel like garbage tossed away with no thought or remorse.
I feel this with all my heart. It does feel like you were just thrown away and replaced, like you were an old pair of shoes.
I wasn't married as long as you were but I feel your pain. I really do.
I don't know that I can give you advice since I'm currently a mess but know that someone out there is having the exact same feelings right now.
BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 2:10 PM on Thursday, February 16th, 2023
Thank you all so much for your advice and support. I can't begin to express how much it means to me.
I responded to his email where he said he was unprepared for the separation agreement. I realized no matter what I would be OK, either he signs and I act reasonably or he doesn't and I blow up his life, but either way I'll get at least 50% of the assets plus some. I told him he had a year to plan for this, I've had 2 weeks, I don't know why he feels entitled to drag his feet. I reminded him we are only here bc of what he did and all I'm asking for is a tiny bit of safety. Surprisingly, he responded that I was right and he would sign.
Yesterday, WH signed the separation agreement. The house is now 100% mine without me buying him out and he will pay alimony until 2030. It makes me feel so much better to have that dealt with, I don't have to worry about losing my house or moving any time soon so I can really focus on healing. There's still a lot to be done but I feel like I can breathe for the first time in 3 weeks. Also, the pets are mine. I didn't think he'd want them but worried he'd use them as leverage. The alimony basically covers the mortgage and my salary should cover the rest. I might have to cut back a little but I'm feeling a lot more confident finances might be OK.
I'm still feeling incredibly hurt, sad, angry, and very much grieving. The anxiety, while improved with meds, is still overwhelming. I can't imagine ever not feeling this way, but your stories help. I've got my first appointment with the new IC tonight and I'm really looking forward to it.
CometGirl ( member #56179) posted at 2:55 PM on Thursday, February 16th, 2023
Now notify the OBS and his boss. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions.
Woundidwife ( new member #81201) posted at 9:04 PM on Thursday, February 16th, 2023
How are you doing today, girl?
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 9:14 PM on Thursday, February 16th, 2023
So glad he signed without pulling any shenanigans. Now, focus on healing you.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 2:11 AM on Friday, February 17th, 2023
I think today was an overall better day, but tough.
I signed and had notarized the separation agreement which in my state means a fully executed contract, since he has already signed. I feel a little safer.
I also had my first appointment with my new IC and I really like her. I cried a lot, but I think I needed it. I realized something that is probably so obvious to y'all, but I hadn't put together...I have always felt unattractive and unlovable and I used my marriage as proof of the opposite, that someone found me attractive and lovable and so therefore I might be. WH's affair has confirmed for me what I always suspected, that I am ugly and unlovable. It feels like I managed to fool people for a while, but the truth always comes out.
A friend drove by AP and OBS's house and AP's car (as I remember it) wasn't there. I'm considering driving by tomorrow to see if I can speak to him. I'm really nervous, though. I don't know if they still live there, if he does, I don't know if he'll be angry with me for some reason? I've only met him once, when the four of us went to dinner last summer. I could also send a registered letter to the address. What do you all suggest?
zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 3:06 AM on Friday, February 17th, 2023
Your husband cheated because he is broken. It has nothing to do with you. Beautiful men and women get cheated on all the time. Work on yourself and believe in yourself.
I'm so glad you liked your counselor!!
If it were me, I would feel more comfortable sending a letter to the OBS and offering to speak to him if he wanted to. You would have to be certain the AP partner couldn't intercept it. Do what you are comfortable with.
You are showing so much strength.
"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."
D-day April 2010
Woundidwife ( new member #81201) posted at 7:05 AM on Friday, February 17th, 2023
Listen to me: You ARE lovable and attractive. I know this. Hopefully, in time, you will realize it too. I felt exactly the same as you and, girl, the stories I could tell you now! I have been turning men away! Some as young as my oldest (grown) child, one almost as old as my parents and everything in between!! Not kidding.
The point is, YOU are worthy. It’s him him that isn’t!! He isn’t worth the paper your marriage license was printed on!
I thought, no one would want me, and I would not find another person to be with…. Well, the first part was very wrong. Not sure about the second part yet, but I am not really ready for that anyway.
Focus on taking care of yourself.
Did you finish Cheating in a Nutshell yet?
BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 1:49 PM on Friday, February 17th, 2023
You're probably right about the letter. I am pretty sure he knows, but a letter would be safer.
I hope I can get to that place someday. I have never been confident in my physical appearance, even when I met WH and was 26 and thin. Now I'm 43 and...not. I feel like men care so much about appearance that no one would want me. Conversely, I feel pretty confident in my internal self. I know I am smart, funny, considerate, kind, honest, and generous.
I don't know why I'm so focused on whether or not someone else would want me as I have no interest in any of that right now. I guess I'm still seeking external validation. I don't know any other way, though. How do you know if you're attractive any other way than other people saying so?
I'm about 1/2 way through Cheating in a Nutshell. It's definitely helping.
[This message edited by BallofAnxiety at 1:56 PM, Friday, February 17th]
EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 3:29 PM on Friday, February 17th, 2023
I have always felt unattractive and unlovable and I used my marriage as proof of the opposite, that someone found me attractive and lovable and so therefore I might be. WH's affair has confirmed for me what I always suspected, that I am ugly and unlovable. It feels like I managed to fool people for a while, but the truth always comes out.
No no no no honey. You ARE attractive and beautiful, it's your stbxwh that's ugly, he's ugly inside and out. I know how hard it is not to internalize that after infidelity, but you have to keep giving yourself positive affirmation. Hell, Beyonce and Jennifer Aniston got cheated on - obvs cheating has not one thing to do with how the BS looks! Cheating is all about the ws and their dysfunction.
Just in case no IRL is telling you this - I am so so proud of you. You're handling this impossible situation with a lot of grace and strength. Way better than I did, that's for sure. I know it hurts when they won't even try, mine did that too. But in time I promise you that you will see that for the gift it truly is. If he wasn't willing to do the work to fix things, it's definitely better to know that NOW, rather than to spin your wheels in false R for weeks or months or years. I tried R for 9 months after dday1 with a cheater who was willing to do nothing of substance to fix things and I swear that fucked me up worse than the affair did. You being able to establish NC decisively was a huge jump start on your healing, even if it hurts right now (and I know it does). Hang in there BoA - life on the other side is better than you can even imagine right now!
"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger
"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park
BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 9:49 PM on Friday, February 17th, 2023
Thank you all for your kind responses.
You're right, I know attractive people get cheated on all the time, it's hard to remember, though. What I'm feeling now is this feeling of hopelessness. I loved being married and thought we had a good marriage. I can't imagine how I could ever get back to that place when I'm not thin and 26. I can't imagine anyone else ever wanting me. Why would they when there are thin, 26 year olds out there?
The thing that is really upsetting me today is how my life has turned into my literal nightmares. For many years I would wake up at least once a week with some version of this dream...I'm single and have to make so much effort to not be alone and I end up spending my weekend mostly by myself. That is what's happening to me now. I literally have nothing to do on a Friday night. It feels so lonely.