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Just Found Out :
Obligatory Devastated Intro Post


 BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 2:57 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

I am doing a little better, although things are up and down.

I keep seeing my new IC, will see her tonight, and things are really good there. She pushes me, but allows me to guide the conversation. I always cry my eyes out in there but leave feeling a little freer. She's helping me look more honestly at some of the stuff that guided my decisions for my whole life and I think it's helping.

I had drinks with OBS this week and it was good. He seems to blame WH more than his own WW, saying she is naïve and easily led. I reminded him and showed him every text she sent me for the last year, mostly initiated by her and not while WH was sitting next to her directing her. She did that on her own. I understand he is going through his own process though and just want to help where I can. Based on his info, I think WH and AP are living together, which I suspected. I thought that would hurt more than it does.

OBS did reveal another interesting fact and I'll try to tell this without getting into politics. WH absolutely hates a certain politician to the point he won't be friends with anyone who supports this person. OBS told me AP voted for this person. As WH loves to talk politics, I wonder when this will come out? From what I know of AP, I'm sure she'll frame it as she was young and dumb and didn't have the guidance of smart, strong WH to show her the way. Still, it makes me chuckle. It also reminds me how little these people actually have in common. I can't imagine this will end well, which mostly doesn't matter to me. I don't want to R, I knew from the moment he revealed the affair I couldn't, but it doesn't stop me from wanting him to want me.

I did have a rougher day on Sunday. I went to my dad's to watch the game and have dinner and while sitting in the living room I noticed a number of photos of WH and I on our happiest days, engagement, wedding, etc. So, I took them off the wall and told my dad about it. My cousin suggested she and I do a bunch of 1980's style awkward family photos of the 2 of us to replace the pictures and I think that's a great idea.

WH is moving the remainder of his stuff out on Saturday. I have a bridal shower to attend and will not be there, so my cousin is going to be there to make sure everything is copacetic. I think I will be both glad and sad to have his stuff gone. There isn't much left anyway, but I sense it will feel more final.

On a more positive note, I had a second date with that guy and it was great! Again, things are casual, but we had a lovely time and finished with a lovely kiss, my first first kiss in 17 years. I'm taking things very slow, but I like him and I wasn't sure I could do that. He seems to like me too and that feels nice after so long of being neglected (I now realize I was) by WH.

I'm also about 1/3 of the way through Journey from Abandonment to Healing and it's really helping, too. Plus, I've found some great podcasts about infidelity and divorce.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023
id 8781389

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:14 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

LOOK.AT.YOU! You are doing it right! Congratulations on being the adult! It is no longer your circus and they are no longer your monkeys. Keep on keeping on.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3807   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8781395

Woundidwife ( new member #81201) posted at 7:02 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023

Wow! Congratulations on many fronts there, BallofAnxiety!

You are further ahead than I was at this point of my recovery, to be sure. I am very happy for you that you are enjoying the company of a gentleman, and that you can have some chuckles at your ex’s expense. (Though I wouldn’t be surprised if he already knows and simply "turned a blind eye" towards the OW’s political views….justifying it because he’s "in lurv". laugh barf )

It’s good to hear that your counseling is also going well. (I just made myself an appointment for the 24th…will be the first one since the marriage counselor tried to help us "save our marriage". rolleyes )

You are doing so much better that I was at this stage. I was still fighting through a false R—that I really didn’t believe in.


posts: 26   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: East Coast
id 8781414

 BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 7:17 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Good luck with your IC, Woundid!

On Saturday WH came to collect the rest of his stuff. Like the last time, I left the house and my cousin was there waiting. I went to a friend's bridal shower. About an hour in I get a frantic call from my cousin that one of my dogs was hurt, so I rushed home and saw WH for the first time since he revealed the affair. He carried the dog to the car and me and my cousin took her to the emergency vet. No worries, she's fine, just cut her paw and has to wear a cone of shame for a little while.

At the time I didn't feel anything about it or him, but I've started to have feelings about it. We didn't really say anything to one another. I still don't understand how he has had no desire to fix or save the relationship. Not that I really do, either, but it's still hard to believe he would just throw it all away.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023
id 8782008

Abalone123 ( new member #82896) posted at 6:29 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

People that cheat are very good at compartmentalization . They can throw out people that no longer serve a purpose . Helps them with the guilt . Your purpose in his life is long done, he cannot afford to look back and does not want to feel like a scum bag. He wants to feel good , he wants to feel that he did the right thing. You now represent someone that resonates with something negative and selfish he did. He loves himself too much to feel like a scumbag.

Your feelings are normal for a normal compassionate human being. You seem to be handling things exceptionally well. Hope the dating is going well !

posts: 34   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8782194

FindingaWayHome ( new member #78829) posted at 1:01 AM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

Hi BallofAnxiety,

I can appreciate that this situation is still a struggle for you, with much pain, confusion, hurt and devestated feelings.
But please be encouraged, there are so many things that you are doing that appear to be moving you out of infidelity.

I'm glad to hear that your dog is fine.
I must admit that when I saw your comment

No worries, she's fine, just cut her paw and has to wear a cone of shame for a little while

I did wonder if the vet had a husband size cone of shame.
My comment may be a little mean, but I am another who doesn't like the way that he has treated you.
He is 45 years old and the WW is a 25 year old - seriously!

We hope that you have many more good days as you adjust to your "new normal,
Hang in there,

posts: 37   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8782260

Woundidwife ( new member #81201) posted at 9:55 PM on Thursday, March 23rd, 2023

How are you doing, Ball of Anxiety?

Haven’t heard any updates in a while.

I hope you are doing well.


posts: 26   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: East Coast
id 8783677
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