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Just Found Out :
Obligatory Devastated Intro Post


 BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 3:41 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

I hate that I'm here but I'm glad I found you all. Here's my story:

I am a BW with a WH. We have been married for 15 years, together 17.

Right before Christmas, WH handed me his phone to show me a pic, as he handed it to me the screen flipped and I saw a naked picture of him. He said he'd been communicating with some women online and sharing pics, "mostly bored housewives who want to feel good about themselves." He said he'd been unhappy in the relationship for several times, felt like I was more like a roommate and best friend than spouse, I was too critical of him, we didn't have enough sex, was wondering if this was all there was to life...etc.

I spent the next month doing the pick me dance. I did everything I could to be a better spouse. I initiated sex often. I started sitting next to him on the couch and initiating more physical contact, but every time I did I kept feeling him internally pulling away. I made appointments for MC. We started going on dates and I was wearing sexier clothes. I felt like he wasn't really trying and he would say it just felt awkward because we'd been less connected for so long.

(As a side note...during the time he was supposedly so unhappy we spent ALL of our time together. We would text each other at work throughout the day, call when we got off, and spent every night together in our living room watching TV, playing video games, and chatting. We said I love you multiple times a day. He told me last year, while having an affair, "how could I have an affair, I'm always with you.")

I had read it helps couples renew/keep a good sex life if they set sex dates, so 2 weeks ago we agreed to plan one for Friday. When I got home he told me he'd been having an affair for a year with a coworker. Initially, he wouldn't tell me who it was because "she has her own problems" but I figured it out easily. It was the woman I had been suspicious of when she started working with him. When I had confronted him about the crush about 2 years ago he insisted it was nothing and suggested her and I become friends so I'd know I had nothing to worry about. We did and would meet up every couple of months or so. I last had dinner with the AP (without WH) in October. She texted me pictures of her dogs in November. Oh, and she's 25 while he's 45.

I only asked a few questions, I didn't really see the point. I know they had sex in the car (gross). He didn't really seem interested in R, but still forced me to make the decision. If he had been interested I probably would have agreed to work on things, but I don't think he is. So, I told him to leave and he has been gone since. I have not seen him and only spoken to him through 1 email where asked to get more stuff and to see me and I responded I would consider that after he signed a separation agreement.

I have done a lot of the stuff y'all recommend already. I've gotten an STD test, opened a new bank account and moved 1/2 the savings into it. I've applied for a new credit card in only my name. I've changed PWs on most things and am monitoring accounts. I went to the doctor and got new meds which are helping with the panicked, terrified feeling I've had in my chest. I've got IC scheduled to start next week.

I feel so completely blindsided. If you'd asked me 2 months ago I would've said we had a great relationship that maybe needed more attention paid to it, but we were happy, comfortable, and planning for the future. I thought cheaters would show some sign they were cheating; maybe he did and I missed it. The worst part is I loved being married. I've always been a person who wanted to have a partner who I spent all my time with. Now, I'm an overweight 43 yo woman; who wants someone like that when there are 25 year olds? I don't know if my life is even worth living anymore. I'm not actively trying to hurt myself, more thoughts like, if that car crossed the line and ran into me and killed me, that wouldn't be the end of the world.

Sorry for the long post.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023
id 8777096

zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 4:30 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Going from happy marriage to finding out you have been cheated on and separating in two months time is a lot to process. It sounds like you have been doing all the right things.

Have you thought about individual counseling to help you deal with all you are going through? Do you exercise? Even a short ten minute walk can help you feel better and focus on you.

There is no easy way through this unfortunately but we are here to help.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3140   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8777127

tikismom ( member #60546) posted at 4:44 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

I am so sorry. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I am glad you found us here at SI. Please continue to check in & update. Also I would suggest seeing an IC to help you through this process.

Me: 39
Him: 43 (NPD)
DDay #1: Sept 2017; Lots of TT & DDays since. EA & PA with an EX. Last known contact with OW: end of December 2017.
Married 10 years, together 15 at time of dday. 2 very young children.
Status: Working daily toward R.

posts: 469   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2017
id 8777131

 BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 4:52 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

Thank you both for your replies.

I'm starting IC next week. I wish it was sooner but that's the earliest I could get.

The thing that's really getting to me now is WH has only reached out 1 time since he left 2 weeks ago, which had me full of anxiety. I don't want him to, but it really hurts that he doesn't want to R. I told him not to contact me and have gone full NC, but it hurts the person I've known for 17 years and spoken with every day doesn't even want to try. On the other hand, my mind is made up that I couldn't move beyond this.

That's the other thing, he cheated over a weekend when we'd been dating 2 months. He said it was bc he'd never been attractive to women before and the attention felt so good. I forgave him and he did all the right things, giving my pw, track his location, etc. I now feel so stupid for that, for not leaving him when he showed me who he was. I also now wonder if he's been cheating the whole marriage, but it doesn't really matter.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023
id 8777133

zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 5:25 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

Going NC will help you heal. It's such a hard thing to do but it really does help you move forward. He is a lying selfish cheater and you will be better off without him.

Don't feel bad about giving him a second chance. This site is full of members who did the exact same thing. Sometimes it works out and sometimes people get their heart broken a second time. Shame on him for taking your gift of trust and reconciliation and throwing it away and hurting you again. He does not deserve you.

This time you are seeing him for who he really is and that's what counts. You're doing a great job.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3140   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8777140

BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 5:41 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

Oh BOA, I am so sorry. It hurts so bad and it is incredibly disorienting, but you have taken remarkable first steps and are so far ahead in the process believe it or not.

The truth is, you don't know what your WH is thinking. He might desperately want to fix things, but doesn't know what to do because he knows that you are strong and decisive and have already taken big steps. Maybe thinks it is too far gone? From just your initial post, you sound like an incredible woman, who can take action even whenever the rug has been yanked out from underneath her.

This is the hardest part, but you are facing it head on. This approach is the best, and while it doesn't feel like it now, you are setting future BOA up for success.

It is natural to compare yourself to the OW. Sure she is 25, but that ain't an accomplishment. You are the prize here and you have a lot to offer. I think rather than investing energy and emotion on your WH and what he might be doing or thinking, I think you should throw yourself into self-care.

Here are some ideas:

1. Massage

2. New book

3. Exercise. It doesn't have to be intense. I walk for 60 minutes a day. Sometimes I listen to music or podcasts, sometimes I catch up with an old friend. Even in bad weather, I go to the mall with all the elderly folks (I am 38, lol).

4. Get you hair done

5. Rearrange you furniture

6. Mani/Pedi

7. Go out with sisters/friends

You get the idea. Especially things you weren't able to do out of consideration of your WH. All of the love and care that you given your WH now goes right back into you.

Keep posting here, we are here to support you! You can share your thoughts, fears, anxieties and we will all relate and share what helped us. We are all on the same journey, we are just in different phases. You will get through this. You are not alone. This does not define you. You will be happy again. <3

[This message edited by BigMammaJamma at 9:07 PM, Friday, February 10th]

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 276   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8777145

 BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 7:51 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

Thank you all so much for your support.

The one contact we had was last week he sent an email asking to collect some more of his things from the house. He also wanted to talk about next steps. He then said, "I know I have no right to ask, but I would like to see you." I stood strong and told him I would consider his requests after he signed a separation agreement, to which he replied he would sign it as soon as he received it, couldn't see any reason he wouldn't.

Well, he received it on Wednesday and neither I nor my lawyer have heard anything. It was certainly more beneficial to me, but based on his affair I thought it was completely fair, since my state will award alimony when 1 spouse is unfaithful. Also, in the last month he agreed to give me the house free and clear.

It's breaking my heart he hasn't signed. I wonder where all the supposed remorse has gone? I'm so stressed and scared about having to move, losing any financial safety. Thinking about it makes me want to cry.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023
id 8777160

Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 9:29 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

I’m so sorry. It’s such a painful place to be. You will get some good advice here, but I wanted to echo a previous poster’s words about your worth and about taking care of yourself.

Just because your husband has treated you like you are worthless doesn’t mean you are. There are many people out there who value women their own age; women who have maturity and life experience and a different and more experienced kind of sex appeal. Your husband going for a 25 year old is a poor reflection on his own maturity, and very few may-December affair "romances" turn out happily, because they’re made up of two selfish, immature people.

Find things that you enjoy, and do them. Go for a walk and listen to music or a podcast. Get your nails done, read a book, have coffee with a friend; whatever is appealing to you.

I’ve not been fortunate to find a good IC, but I did have 4 sessions with someone reasonably good, and I’ll share something that was an eye opener for me. She asked me bluntly if I was having suicidal thoughts, and I said no, but shared the exact feelings you expressed about how it wouldn’t be the end of the world if a car hit me, or I were suddenly diagnosed with stage four cancer. (My only caveat was that I didn’t want my kids to have to go through that). She introduced me to a phrase I wasn’t familiar with: passive suicidal ideation. That’s what that is, and it’s something to take seriously, because it’s a sign of how much trauma you’re experiencing and the pain and hardship you are going through.

This helped me because it made me see myself as someone in great pain who needed to be taken care of and treated well. Someone who deserved kindness and nurture. Someone who needed healing.

That is who you are. You are someone who has been betrayed and traumatized, and who deserves to be loved and valued and cared for. So, be a caretaker for yourself. Love and value and nurture yourself. And seek out people who will care for you. I didn’t really have anyone around me who could do that when my husband betrayed me, but I was able to start caring for myself a little, and it got me on the road to healing.

Love and peace and healing to you. ❤️

[This message edited by Grieving at 9:32 PM, Friday, February 10th]

Husband of 20 years had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 394   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8777178

BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 9:32 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

Yes, I think the unknown is the hardest part for me. How can you plan when you have no idea what is going to happen next? I think there would be nothing wrong with following up with him, maybe tomorrow. "WH, I wanted to confirm that you received the separation agreement and if you had any redlines. I would like to keep moving forward with the process, so please let me (or my lawyer) know if you have any questions about the agreement" etc etc. Keep it professional. Of course you are going to have big feelings, but he doesn't get that access to that part of you any more.

Rereading your initial post, it seems pretty cruel that he had you meet her and try to make y'all friends. This is not the first I have heard of a wayward doing this, but I simply just do not understand it. You have to wonder how they can manage like that, all the hiding and deception! I wonder if they get off on it sometimes.

I betcha he is having some SERIOUS regret right about now and he is trying to figure out how he can suck you back in. I just have a feeling by the way he is holding back on the separation agreement and how you have handled yourself so far. I have some 25 year old friends and they are great -- we are just at way different points in life and I would not want to be married or in a relationship with someone who has 20 less years of life experience than me. She is probably great for fun stuff; but life isn't just superficial fun stuff. Its obvious that you are a doer and action-oriented. What I mean is you get shit done and he is probably used to that and the benefits of that. You are no doubt WAAY more emotionally mature and that is also a huge factor in relationships. He is probably realizing now what he is standing to lose and just scrambling to figure out how to pick up the pieces and put it back together. Of course this is my over-the-internet-only-with=the-details-you-gave-me analysis, but you would be surprised how similar all of our stories are even while being different.

Keep it up, you are doing great keeping him at a distance.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 276   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8777179

nothisfriend ( member #53171) posted at 9:58 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2023

Oh my, your story is my story.

A couple of things:
Re the separation agreement - he probably has OW whispering in his ear and things are going to be harder and he will be less agreeable than you hoped. That's what happened to me. He was all ready to agree to everything and then suddenly he had a d**k attorney and was asking for 1/2 my retirement (he had none) and wanted to stay on my health insurance.

Not asking for R - after reading all the stories here about people doing the pick me dance and multiple D-days I count my blessings that my WXH never asked for R. In fact I think he fairly skipped as he left the house to go play house with AP. Although he made it dramatic by trudging down the sidewalk with his suitcase, in the winter, because we only had one car. (I'm sure AP was waiting with a warm car around the corner.) I'm pretty sure there were more A's in the past in hindsight but this one was an exit affair. DS was getting ready to go to college and the AP was putting the pressure on. (I read their text messages.)

I was terrified, especially financially, but having friends and family as my support gave me courage and in just a couple of years I had savings, a credit score and bought a house. Never realized what an anchor he was.

This is short but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone and this is an amazing community. You can survive this and you will find that you will thrive.

Me: BS 50 (at the time)
Him: WH 53 (at the time)
D-Day: 10/25/15
Married: 5/14/1988
One son, age 18 (at the time)
D final 9/13/16

posts: 1282   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2016   ·   location: Illinois
id 8777184

 BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 12:54 AM on Monday, February 13th, 2023

Thank you all for your responses. One of the hardest things in all of this is it feels almost exactly the same as when my mom died, but in that case I had WH for support. I wasn't alone like I am now.

I am struggling with questioning the point of life. All I ever wanted was to have a partner with whom I could spend all my time. I thought I had that. Now, everything feels pointless. Why bother even trying if I'm going to be alone? Everything is so much harder now, rather than knowing who I would spend my evenings with I have to scramble around to try and make plans with people if I don't want to be alone.

I just got a text from his mom asking how I'm doing. She said she was checking in and she hadn't talked to him. I told her I am devastated, which maybe I shouldn't have done. I wanted her to know what her son had done to me. It's especially hard because WH's dad cheated on his mom, then left mom for the AP. I thought WH would've seen how much this hurts and wouldn't have done it.

I've still not spoken with him. Part of me keeps expecting him to reach out or stop by. It's easier that he hasn't, but it hurts that he doesn't care.

It also seems immensely unfair he gets to move on with his life while mine is destroyed. He doesn't even have to look at the devastation his decisions wrought. He doesn't have to look at the mess he made.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023
id 8777461

BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 4:55 PM on Monday, February 13th, 2023

You are right. It is so fucking unfair. You ARE going to suffer because of actions HE took. You will not get around that, you will definitely go through that and process that. I really got hung up on that and I think many of us would say the same thing. He will get to move on and not have to look at the damage he caused. But the thing is, he still hasn't remediated that chink in his character that causes him to lie and deceive in order to hurt those he purportedly loves. He is still that guy. He is taking that guy into every relationship he is going into. He will continue to place his desires over his partner's safety because this is who he is and he has not taken the opportunity to change. And he will always be the reason (at least the main one) why he will never have a deep and fulfilling relationship.

You have conducted yourself with strength and dignity. He has been a coward. You have continued to push forward, even in the face of incredible pain you didn't ask for or deserve. He slinked away, trying to avoid all consequences. You will grow through this situation and gain even more wisdom, empathy, clarity, sense of self, self-appreciation, self-respect and maturity that you already have.

I can relate feeling like "what is the point of even doing all off this?" You are still very fresh from the betrayal and you will experience all the stages of grief - at least I did. I felt despondent like that for a long time, literally the only thing keeping me going is the idea of someone else taking care of my kids. I can tell you that I started feeling better when I started actively taking care of myself and finding things that gave me joy. I was also prescribed Wellbutrin at the end of last year and it really has helped stabilize the rollercoaster. Please, if nothing else, schedule a visit with your family practitioner and let them know what you are going through. They can help with sleep too. Also, do something else that just feels really good, like a massage or mani/pedi. Please, do something nice for yourself today.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 276   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8777509

 BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 12:36 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

Thanks BMJ. I did a face mask after work, but I feel empty and alone. Up until 2 weeks ago I had company every day, now I'm alone.

Also, I took your advice of sending him an email about the separation agreement. He responded with: "Yes, I did receive a draft agreement. I was not quite prepared for the breadth of the document. I'll need a little more time and legal counsel before I am comfortable signing. I am aligned with the broad strokes of the document and would only propose minimal changes. I am out of my depth and only trying to be careful. I will get this done just as soon as possible. I will keep you informed."

I am absolutely livid. How dare he talk about being unprepared?!? 2.5 weeks ago he turned my life into a living hell and completely blindsided me. How dare he protect himself when he gave exactly zero fucks for his wife of 15 years? I am a 43 year old woman who had to get STD testing done at Planned Parenthood for the first time in 20 years. I am devastated and humiliated.

The whole reason I proposed the separation agreement was to give myself a sense of security when he took it all away. I don't trust him, but even worse I don't trust myself or the world. I need to feel like something is solid.

I am an attorney myself and I can't imagine any attorney advising him to sign the agreement. It is heavily weighted towards me, not entirely, but some. I think that is what's fair, though. I was a faithful, loving spouse for our entire marriage; I feel like the finances SHOULD be uneven.

I know everyone says NC, but I feel like responding and unloading on him. It's unfair he doesn't have to look at what he did, doesn't have to know the pain I'm in. Not that he'd care. I don't know what to do.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023
id 8777551

Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 3:03 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

Don't respond. It will only fall on deaf ears. Vent it out here - there's actually a thread called Stay No Contact in the Divorce/Separation subforum; you can say all you want to say there. Scream or punch a pillow, maybe take up an activity that will allow you to relieve that frustration.

Buckle up. This is only the beginning. I suspect the 'minimal changes' he's proposing are gonna be revised to different changes entirely. Especially if he's advised that he'll get little in return.

Hang in there.

posts: 463   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8777582

Woundidwife ( new member #81201) posted at 6:32 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

Oh, girl! I feel for you here.

I have just undergone everything you are going through right now. Except that my marriage was about 10 years longer than yours. shocked

I promise you, there is light at the end of the tunnel—I can finally see it for myself now!!! (Pssst: I am going to tell you a secret that you are probably not ready for, however…

…I will tell you that women our age, yes… that "yucky age of mid 40s" who are able to commit and be faithful are ALL THE RAGE right now. You don’t have to believe me, laugh and I promise to help you to see this through until you are strong enough to see it for yourself…but it is true. grin Right now, I am not anywhere near ready for an actual relationship, but I am sure AF enjoying the attention I am receiving. wink )

All in good time. Better things are on the horizon for you. Believe that. Just 5 short months ago, I felt exactly the same way that you do now, but if you get hit by a bus in the near future, you may miss out on the best days of your life!

Right now, YOU NEED to focus on your physical self and mental health. Take Imodium for the diarrhea—which you inevitably have. Avoid melatonin as it will actually disturb your natural sleep patterns and cause MORE diarrhea. DO NOT HESITATE TO SEE YOUR FAMILY DOCTOR for anxiety/ sleep aids. They can give you something mild to help you sleep for a minute in these early days and they HAVE seen this before…You can also take a Benadryl OR NyQuil (not both!!) before bed. Those were my perma-buddies for a while there. Eat small snacks, even though your aren’t hungry at all. Buy yourself a noise machine…or get some sleep apps that help you relax and ignore your thoughts for a while. If you are having horrible mind movies…which you likely are, keep yourself in the moment: What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? (Name things in your mind.)

Truthfully, I think in the long run you’ll be in much better shape that me…You’ve got a head start on healing since your ex isn’t pressuring you to R. Having no contact already is a WIN! Sorry…I am late to the game as I was referred here by a friend over at TAM…I didn’t notice your D-day, but judging by your current state, I would bet it was pretty recent. (2 months?). At any rate, I have been in your shoes and I can tell you, the view is actually pretty amazing from this side.

I told my mother that I was "having an argument with God", so I didn’t want to attend church with the rest of the family at Christmas (in the church where I was MARRIED! mad ). She made an excellent point however: "Maybe God knew this was the only way to make your life better." I now think this is true. My STBCXH (soon to be cheating ex husband) was controlling throughout our entire marriage, and even though I THOUGHT I was mostly "happy", it turns out I was merely content in our marriage—which is nowhere near the same thing. I compromised and allowed him to squash my whole personality into a box for so long that I had truly forgotten who I was. My life had become one of servitude as wife, mother, and professional. When our 2 grown children had both flown the coop, we had empty nest syndrome. Then my ex cheated on me a year afterward the last one left and I—like you—found this unforgivable. So, all I had left was my profession. Thank goodness for my job! I didn’t feel like I was giving 100%, but I did throw all of myself into my work—which helped keep me sane for a while there. (Find yourself a project or if you work, try to do the same.)

My next piece of advice (since others have already recommended IC) is DEFINITELY talk to some people to whom you are close. Folks who have your back no matter what. The sooner you do this, the better off you’ll be. Hindsight being 20/20, this is one of the things I would change for myself. I kept my pain a secret for too long…bottling it up only hurt me more in the long run, because I felt like I was dealing with this alone and it began to disintegrate my soul, but I promise you, you have good people in your corner. You have probably neglected some friendships, as I did, but you would be surprised how easily those can be rekindled and the support that you really need can be quickly reconstructed. If you have any friends who have EVER gone through divorce or infidelity recovery, THOSE are the folks who will know what you are going through and what stage(s) of grief you are in (These stages will cycle and repeat, unfortunately!) They are also the same people who will drop everything to rescue you from a bad moment or too much time alone in these early days. You do NEED to get out. Do things you have enjoyed in the past….It will feel like "forced fun" in the beginning (because it is!), but things will get easier…just not as soon as you would like. I sure AF wish there was a fast forward button, but the only way I have found forward is through. (I made myself a "healing" playlist…full of cheating songs, love songs, angry songs, sad songs…anything to help me cry it out…which you are probably already doing quite a bit of and may actually be a suggestion for later on down the road…but it works for me because I am a very musically connected person, and I still add to it when I hear something that fits. Just yesterday I added Randy Travis’s "On the Other Hand". I listen to these to help me desensitize a little and NOT turn into a blubbering mess in public, at the drop of a hat….which did still happen a few times. crying )

I am CERTAIN that I have a helluva lot more healing to do, however, I am well on my way.

I have 2 (3?) suggestions for you. 1. Order the following books that helped me tremendously, and read them in this order: Cheating in a Nutshell by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell, and The Journey from Abandonment to Heaing by Susan Anderson, and The Divorce Recovery Workbook by Mark S. Rye and Crystal Dea Moore (real book copy for this one, so you csn write in it).

While you wait on them, make a list of people who you can talk to and actually reach out to them, make a list of things you used to enjoy but haven’t done in a long time, and make a list of things of pros and cons concerning your ex. You may be surprised at how little you actually wanted him in your life, but just didn’t realize it until you see it in black and white. (I knew what my pros and cons were…so I delayed this one because I knew what the outcome would be. I only attempted reconciliation for about a month and a half…for HIS SAKE/-like I live my entire marriage wink . For him.

Well, no more, sister!! The future is for you and me. We WILL grow stronger from this and we WILL be happy. Some very sturdy and also VERY beautiful things can grow, bloom, and thrive from a pile of shit.

Also while you wait, since all of us who have been there know that you have a little extra time to read…head on over to Talk About Marriage. Look up my infidelity thread. (Husband Confessed, Unbelievable ONS) You’ll likely find some parallels that will also help you feel less alone. We have all walked this road, and though our paths APPEAR different, the broad strokes of our journeys are generally the same for all of us, I have found.

I wish you restful sleep, my sister.


posts: 26   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: East Coast
id 8777605

Woundidwife ( new member #81201) posted at 7:32 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023


I upgraded and still have no idea how to add this information, but thought it may be helpful to you.

Married 27 years, together 29.
Him 46, me 45.
D-Day 8-24-22
Drunken ONS with complete stranger
Separated 10-17-22 (Divorced soon!)


posts: 26   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: East Coast
id 8777608

 BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 2:40 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023


You're probably right it wouldn't make any difference if I respond. It feels awful, though. He does this horrible thing and destroys my life. All I asked him to do was to sign this agreement. I have not done any of the things I could have to blow up his life; I've not contacted his employer where the affair occurred (also, adultery is still a crime in my state), I have not told his siblings, I've not confronted AP, I've not filed an alienation of affection suit, I've not posted on social media, I've not told any of his friends. I have been completely reasonable.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023
id 8777642

 BallofAnxiety (original poster member #82853) posted at 2:56 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023


Thank you so much for your kind words. And for the ray of hope.

You are correct about all the physical symptoms, it's like your reading my mind! I've been drinking too much and using it to help me sleep. I know I need to cut it out but it's the only time I don't feel like a ball of anxiety and feel the tiniest little bit of hope.

You’ve got a head start on healing since your ex isn’t pressuring you to R. Having no contact already is a WIN! Sorry…I am late to the game as I was referred here by a friend over at TAM…I didn’t notice your D-day, but judging by your current state, I would bet it was pretty recent. (2 months?).

I know you're right about that, but it still hurts. I don't think I would take him back, but I keep thinking if he loved me, if I had value, he'd be trying to get me back. It seems like that's the usual response when the truth comes out.

It is VERY recent, he left about 2.5 weeks ago.

Then my ex cheated on me a year afterward the last one left and I—like you—found this unforgivable.

Part of the reason I found it unforgiveable is that he cheated before, years ago, when we had been dating for 2 months. I didn't realized it until this week, but that was Dday 1. I never thought of it like that before, I don't know why.

My next piece of advice (since others have already recommended IC) is DEFINITELY talk to some people to whom you are close. Folks who have your back no matter what.

Starting IC on Thursday!

Re: talking to people, I have taken a different approach to many here, it seems. I may come to regret this, but I'm going radical honesty, at least in my circle (I've not told his employer or any of his friends). When I'm talking to folks I tell them the whole truth, that we've separated and that was not my choice, it was bc he was having an A. I then tell them I will not let his shame be mine and I did nothing wrong. I'm sure people have thoughts, but they have been supportive to my face so far.

I'm currently reading Cheating in a Nutshell.

I'm struggling to think of things I used to like doing. When I think back, if I'm honest, prior to meeting WH all I wanted was a partner and so I used my life to find that. Now I don't know what I want.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023
id 8777644

Woundidwife ( new member #81201) posted at 4:04 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

Okay, so I have READ this forum before, but I don’t really know how to operate all the things…

To address some of your concerns:

1. Take care of you. Really. Don’t drink much if any alcohol at all. It is a depressant and you are already there. I did this on occasion too, and it did mostly help me sleep, but I only recommend drinking in the presence of someone who loves you. You will likely have emotional outbursts. (I did. Anger if STBCXH was there, and extreme blubbering if he wasn’t.) It is nice to have a shoulder to cry on.

2. YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIM!!! Just remember, he is a douche who NEVER deserved you. His cheating is about him being an asshole—not about you being good enough….This is a CURRENT realization for me. I was told this repeatedly, and have only just recently discovered it’s truth for myself. Selfish people do selfish things. You are worthy. You are valuable, and one day, you will not only realize it , but you’ll catch the eye of someone who deserves you and knows this truth.

3. I REALLY don’t recommend the full disclosure to EVERYONE. Obviously, you make your own decisions and do anything you want, but I will caution you that you are NOT in your normal state of mind and your normal self (once you get back to that point) may not really approve or appreciate your candor with anyone who will listen. Also, though mist of those folks have been supportive snd are likely sympathetic, it doesn’t mean they don’t think maybe you are off your rocker or that you are over-sharing.
The sad thing is that sometimes people who have never get this pain REALLY do not understand and may gossip about you, using the ammo you yourself have provided them. Just keep that in mind. Your future self has to live with the decisions you are making now. Don’t let anyone make you out to be crazy or that your behavior justifies your ex leaving and choosing another woman. When it comes to the general public, there is more sympathy for the less vocal sufferers. Just sayin’.

Take some deep breaths. Stay strong, girl.


posts: 26   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: East Coast
id 8777654

crazycatlady ( member #12849) posted at 5:00 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2023

Been there and done that. It’s horrifically traumatizing and unless you’ve experienced infidelity, there is no way you can understand how truly awful it is.
Now what to do next: implement a hard 180. Although the 180 seems to be counterintuitive, it is the best way to deal with infidelity. It will make you stronger and it will expose your WH to the consequences of his actions.
By the way, is the OP married or have a boyfriend? Also, since it’s a work affair, does their supervisor know? This is all very important. Most workplaces frown upon, if not, punish work affairs.
Keep posting. We are here and have walked the hell of infidelity.

Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"
D-Day: Nov 30, 2006
"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."
William Shakespeare

posts: 1782   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2006   ·   location: Etherville
id 8777665
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