SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Let's speak frankly about Valentine's Day and how it poses certain unique problems for certain married people.

One problem is how does the Wayward manage to celebrate it with the AP and keep it a secret and another problem is what does or should a Betrayed look for to deny the waywards their fun?

I'm looking at our CC receipts for restaurant, flowers and jewelry charges, but he has always withdrawn a few hundred every other week, so...

I'm making sure there will be no little luncheons, dinners, coffee stops or even 5 minutes to hand over a gift and get a kiss. For a week or two, I can be on him like the flu. It will be worth it to make sure AP misses her big day, the day all Other Women want their MM to choose to be with them over their wives.

Does anyone have tips to catch what Waywards do for Valentine's? Or does anyone have any stories about Valentine's, or the day before, day after or the weekend before, which are all ways the Waywards try to make it up to the undeserving AP?

I was so damn focused for Christmas, but I think my cheater managed to buy a $1000 diamond necklace and have a nice date to give it to her.

With your collective help, I'm going to make sure this does not happen again.

He's still buying them gifts and going on dates? He's still cheating then. And if he's bound to do it then he will no matter how much you try to control him. You said you were focused on Christmas and he still managed it. Hell he spent more on a gift for the ow than I spent in total on Christmas for 10+ people!

Please spend some of your time and mental energy (and money) on you. Take his cc and go to the spa for the day. Kidding.... Sort of.

Just practice some self care!

I’m not exactly sure what help you need, this forum is supporting people to get out of infidelity married or divorced, it doesn’t sound to me like you’ve taken that step if you’re planning ways to prevent your spouse to meet his AP.

I have nothing to share around your questions. I just want to ask you a question in return, is this the way you really want to live your life?

Valentines day 2016. Divorce filed. In house separation because he wouldnt leave.

Ex worked in the restaurant business and never took the day off because it was so busy. He was AP's and OBS's boss. He scheduled OBS to work, gave AP the day off and told me he was working.

Good friend and I planned to find him. For fun we got silly glasses with mustaches for disguises, I mean, ya gotta laugh at the thought. Ex thought he was being so clever.

So off we went, found his car at AP's house and he happened to be outside. Rolled down the window, yelled HI, took a picture and off we went. We laughed so hard.

He came home trying to explain away why he was there. He was so ridiculous standing there looking innocent.

And I just noticed my registration date here, had no idea, it was 2/14/2016,

[This message edited by hcsv at 9:24 AM, Thursday, February 9th]

I absolutely loathe this made up "holiday". Love can be celebrated any time or day and creating a day for it puts incredible pressure on couples, married or not and post infidelity it just becomes more salt in the wound. Given that since Dday I no longer believe in romantic love my Valentine's are now only my son and daughter.

That said, for those not aware February 13th has long been known as Mistress Day and that's when those in an affair celebrate their "love" so that would be a date to check accounts if you feel you need to. You'd think that since they all think they're oh so smart that they'd pay for any gifts, meals, flowers or hotel rooms in cash. Then again they all believe they're so clever they'll never get caught.

One thing to look out for is what your spouse does or doesn't do for you. There were years that my WH did nothing or gave me chocolates the day after and actually expected an excited response from me. Gee, nothing like being forgotten and then handed chocolates that were marked down. Makes me sorry I never went online and ordered a Bag of D***s for him which would've been perfect since you are what you eat .

he will no matter how much you try to control him

Yes, EllieKMAS. Control? Never had it. This is just a Valentine's thread. As a newlywed, I never dreamt that my WH was taking some OW out the night before and allowing himself to be taken out for Valentine's Day lunch by another at work.

I thought this was a timely subject to talk about. People who come here who have doubts or just found out may not be aware that February 13th is the cheater's Valentine's.

For me, it's not so much control as it is getting in his way.

this forum is supporting people to get out of infidelity married or divorced

Thank you Luna. Have you ever had any issues with a WS and Valentine's Day?

He scheduled OBS to work, gave AP the day off and told me he was working.

Thank you hcsv. That's exactly the sort of thing on my mind the last few days. I am so sorry for what he did to you. That feeling of knowing they are lying to your face is sickening.

I'm married to a serial cheater who I thought was reformed for the last five years. I have zero proof he's cheating, but I know someone is interested in him, so right now my antennae are as finely tuned as a Chinese spy balloon. I'm waiting with dread to see if he's going to tell me about some big important thing he has to go to.

Gently, 'getting in his way' is a form of control.

Also, if your H is still cheating, what keeps you in your M? Why not find a good D attorney and send him packing? Those aren't meant to be challenges to what you're doing; they are genuine info-seeking questions.

Given the hype about 2/14, I understand that betrayal looms large around v-day. The 1st few 2/14s after my d-day turned out to be pretty good, because my W put herself out. I sure didn't do anything for her on those days. But we were in R; she ended her A on d-day.

To me it's a heavy burden to keep focusing on a cheating spouse, especially because the WS can circumvent just about any method of keeping them within boundaries. I think you deserve to treat yourself better than that.

I can tell you one way I wouldn't spend Valentine's Day: roleplaying as the Gestapo.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:57 PM, Thursday, February 9th]

If he gave the OW a $1,000 necklace you can be certain something will happen on Valentine’s Day. Or the day before. Or the day after.

I understand you want to get in his way. Good for you!

But beyond that, what are your plans for this marriage to a "reformed" serial cheater?

So Mistress' Day has passed.

I can tell you one way I wouldn't spend Valentine's Day: roleplaying as the Gestapo.

BluerThanBlue, I polished up my jackboots and went with my H when he suddenly mentioned he had to get an oil change. We went shopping afterwards. I forgot to take off my Shutzstaffel insignia at Wahlburger's, but that's OK, I like the attention.

what are your plans for this marriage to a "reformed" serial cheater?

TheFirstWife, My plan is to leave finally. I had five years, I thought, of being the only woman in this M. Once more and I'm out. I have no proof anything happened but I do know a few things. Some woman got interested in my H in 2021. I had no idea until a few months ago when it hit me that she shows up to the same events/shops and restaurants we do. Always alone and keeps my H in view. My H seems to get nervous. It almost seems like something happened in past, he broke it off and she's reminding him of how hurt she is. I don't know. So yes, I'm on mega-alert this week.

In any case. Those in the JFO forum should be made aware of this "custom."

I just got a text about how awful and angry my STBX is feeling today, and I couldn't help but chuckle. She has the audacity to let me know how terrible it is to be dealing with this divorce during valentine's day (still in home until april 2023 when divorce is finalized).

I thought about telling her about how I felt in this situation, how she literally caused all of this because she couldn't overcome the thrill of being with other men. But instead, I simply responded, "sorry to hear that." I am so close to being done with this nightmare, and Valentine's day hasn't been a good experience for me in over a decade and a half. I don't need an invite to her pity party.

I guess I'm just adding this to the thread since it is indeed extra painful when infidelity occurs around the holiday that claims to be for lovers. Also, I am feeling pretty down today and it helps to know I'm not alone in dealing with this particular kind of pain. One of her physical affairs was on Feb 14th so I will always have a bit of resentment for the day. However, I know all too well that "catching them" or trying to prevent something from happening is not really the best way to go about it. I hope you are able to make some real choices on if you wanna keep being the FBI for your marriage. I spent 16 years being paranoid, and I ended up being right many times. 1/10 Would not recommend.

I'm actually stunned by a few comments in this thread.

Firstly, I wanted newer people to be aware of what the day means to the OP or WW and how they scheme and fabulate to be with the AP for this day or event.

It's a unique opportunity for someone like me who wants to be sure before they act.

I'm pretty sure that Valentine's Day is a huge trigger and source of suspicion for everyone on SI; just look at all the recent posts.

But to address your shock at the responses, the overall mission of SI is to help betrayed spouses get out of infidelity -- whether through divorce or a meaningful and genuine reconciliation in which the WS is fully accountable for his or her actions.

So if your serial-cheating husband recently purchased a $1K necklace for another woman and you feel the need to police his every waking moment around Valentine's Day in an effort sabotage his extramarital romantic plans, then I think your time and energy would be better spent with an attorney.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:30 PM, Wednesday, February 15th]