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Just Found Out :
DDay #3; I'm just broken by it all


 1345Marine (original poster new member #71646) posted at 7:13 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

Some of you may have read my story previously. The condensed version is that my WW admitted to a 2 and a half year affair back in March of last year. We tried to reconcile, and she convinced me it was going well, but she went back to AP in May of 2022. I didn't find out until October of 2022, and it blindsided me. Turns out there were addiction issues as well, and she was hospitalized. Against the advice of most people on here and my friends and family, I decided to try again. This time she was sober, as she told me. I thought it was going well, but admittedly, I had a lot of trust issues and there were times of coldness towards her and I spoke harshly to her at times. One time in particular, as a for example I guess, she was working at the store where she met AP and where they had their affair in the beginning, and I saw on location sharing that she was working that store (he no longer works there). I sent her a message saying I hated her having to work that God foresaken store, and it bothered me that she even still could be in the place where he first kissed her, first fucked her, where they ran upstairs to be together and it all began, and I wished that damned store would burn to the ground. I was angry, and I just let the pain vent out.

Well, on Friday last week I got a call from an anonymous number. The called said they were a parent of one of my daughter's friends, and she had confided in her friend that she (my daughter) had caught my wife sexting the AP again. She confronted her about it and was sworn to secrecy for a myriad of reasons, but it was eating my daughter alive. The caller said she'd want to know if she were in my position, and she felt it was too much weight for a 16 year old girl to be carrying around. I agree wholeheartedly. I hate my children being in this. But I spoke with my daughter, and she cried and told me how torn she felt, but confirmed the story and showed me the video she had recorded of her mom's phone after she fell asleep. The video was her scrolling through the back and forth of all their messages. Messages reminiscing about the good old times and how badly she wanted him and all that stuff. Memories of the fun they had sneaking away together upstairs in that room. Them trying to plan time to get together and her telling him my schedule (I was working 36 hours of OT that week trying to pay off some of our debt, ironically). The part that hurt the most is that she had told him what I said about the store above, and they took turns laughing about how "dramatic" I am and complaining about how controlling I am. Then the story takes a weird, weird turn.

I confronted my WW, and she started crying. I told her I was relieved, not to worry about it. It was better to find out now than years down the road and that I truly wanted her to be happy and I wanted to move on with my life and try to create a future while I'm still in my late thirties. I told her I was relieved that I could start fresh and not always wonder if I was being cheated on. Deep down I was in agony, but I kept the stone face. I've forgiven so many times, I've never wanted anything more than to grow old with my wife I've been with since I was 16. I wanted to hold grandchildren with her. And all those dreams are now flushed down the drain. So she continues crying and telling me that she never met with him, it was a lot of talking, and that she only wants me but had gotten so low at how cold I had become and how mean my words could be at times. That was a bad night, and she didn't want him, but only wanted me to show care and love for her like he does. She wanted me to compliment her like he does. Wanted me to want her like he does. And she was so tired of feeling like I was staying against my will (and I have threatened divorce and stated I wanted a divorce multiple times over the past three months, but I think it was just pain and fear talking).

So she admits it, but then later that night changes her story. She says she admitted it because I looked so relieved, but it wasn't true, she had not even talked to AP. Forgive me if I confuse you, as I'm confused too. She created a new instagram account that is completely annonymous. That much is true, I know for certain. She created it because her closest friend is in a controlling/abusive relationship with a man who controls her conversations. She gave her the login information so she could log into it (like a shared account) and send messages to my wife that the controlling BF would never see. All this is true. I'll confirm that much. So the sexting messages were between my wife and this account that she created for a friend. Her story now is that she wanted to let me go, but she couldn't bear to do it, so at a very low moment with some alcohol involved, she concocted this whole thing to "let me find". She would have both accounts open and carry on the conversation with herself as if she were the AP. This would give me the smoking gun I need to "be set free". And she says she stayed with it upon confrontation because it looked like I was relieved and it worked. But once she sobered up the next morning she deleted everything because she didn't want to go through with the plan and wanted to "selfishly keep our marriage and keep trying". The problem was that that night after she passed out my daughter found it after seeing her over there hard at work on her phone like she was carrying on a long conversation (and she's caught her before, so she's always on high alert even against my pleadings that she not spy on her mom for me). My daughter sat on the video a few days before confronting her mom, but wouldn't believe her story. She nevertheless agreed not to tell me, and told me when I spoke with her that, "I'm never going to leave mom anyway, so why bother telling me..." So if it was a drunken plan my wife had, it was dishonest and crazy and it got away from her before she could delete it out because my daughter caught it. It's more likely, I think just looking at it, that AP had this account login information as well and used it just like her and her friend had used it in the past to destroy the evidence. I have no idea what to think, but I don't think it matters anymore. I've got a consultation with a divorce attorney, but this is still the hardest road I've ever thought about walking. I keep wanting to just wake up from this horrible dream. I guess i'm just venting and telling my story like a journal. I don't think I need any advice. I know what I've got to do. I could never trust her either way now. I don't know if it's provable that it was her faking like she says at a low point to "set me free" or if it was actually AP. And without that there's no way to ever trust anymore. As she's said many times, this time she's sober (off harder drugs anyway, she's not an alcoholic).

I'm sorry this got so long. I know I'm stretching everyone's patience in reading. I guess I just wanted to tell my story to a safe place where there is hopefully love and sympathy. My home feels like I'm living with a betraying enemy. My best friend is my betrayer. It's brutal. Love you all, and appreciate your eyes (ears).

posts: 49   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Eastern US
id 8776383

Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 7:51 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

If she's playing fucked up games like this, she's not safe. Either she is still in contact with AP or she's playing really twisted mind games. Neither option is good for you. The fact that your poor daughter is getting wrapped up in your WW's bullshit is the really kicker.

As she's said many times, this time she's sober (off harder drugs anyway, she's not an alcoholic).

You sure about that "not an alcoholic" part?

You weren't looking for advice, so I'll just make it short: it sounds like you know what you need to do, and this rando on the interwebs thinks you're making the right call.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 48 Him (WH) 51
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 284   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8776387

Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 9:09 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

I’m so sorry marine. I had some hope for you even though it was always a long shot.

What she told you when she was drunk was the truth.

She was still talking to AP. She can’t let him go.

No bullshit complicated plan. She should have never thought about creating a secret account even for a friend.

And she should have never even thought it would be ok for even a second to go back to the store she met him.

You were not unreasonable at all.

You need to follow through this time.

Talk with a lawyer right now.

You need her out of the house immediately. Kick her out if you can.

Even your daughter knows you are being abused.

You can’t heal and move on in her presence.

The healing clock does not start until she is gone.

You have had a serious life destroying trauma. The only way to move on is to remove yourself from it.

Talk to a lawyer, sell the house and move do what you have to do to start a new life.

The slower you go the longer it will take.the more life is wasted.

Your daughter knows you won’t leave her well that means your wife knows it too.

I know this is so hard. I feel so bad for you.

Move quickly. Only time and space will heal.

I’m so sorry.

Ps tell that man’s wife. Don’t listen to your lying wife.

posts: 125   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8776402

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 9:27 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

My home feels like I'm living with a betraying enemy.

It feels like that because that's exactly what you ARE living with. And just if it helps - you know her cockamamie story about 'setting you free' is total horseshit right?

I am so sorry 1345. But sounds like you know what you've got to do here and are taking the steps you have to to get it done. I'll second Trapped74 - I think you're making the right call too.

Hang in there - life after divorce is SO much better than I ever though it would be when I was where you are right now. For me making the choice was the most agonizing part - after that it became more of a logistical and business process.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3797   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8776403

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:38 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

That story is bullshit. My guess is OM is in a relationship, and she..or they..concocted that ridiculous story to protect OM.

I'm glad you finally have had enough of her abuse. No BS should stay with their WS, once their WS compares them to their AP,telling them the AP was better. Fuck that noise.

posts: 5270   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8776404

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 9:47 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

dont let her manipulate you any longer. That story is full of bullshit. I hope you don't take for 1 second that its real. Its her desperate attempt at trying to gaslight you AGAIN.

Just let her go Marine. Take it from someone who has gone through the same thing you are going through now, and at a similar age. My life is a lot better than it was previously. I thought I had it good back then, but its even better now. I found love again, with a better partner, a safe partner. My kids get along great with her. It can happen for you too, but you have to first let go of that anchor of a wife. Whether shes playing games, or lying, doesn't matter. She cheated, and now you get to move on to something better. That's life. There are consequences for ones actions.

Don't let fear hold you back. There is a better life out there, don't let there be another Dday in your life again.

posts: 1399   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8776405

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

The poet Mary Oliver wrote

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift."

DDAY 3 is your box of darkness. You sound like you know what you need to do to save yourself and get your kids out of this. It hurts and it is hard and yet it is still the right thing to do.

And yes, she hurt you for YEARS and then was unhappy that sometimes you were cold? I mean, WTF. She has never done the work and had only thought of herself.

Keep posting, and keep moving forward. I am sorry it came to this, but I think you will find life gets so much better when you break free of the infidelity.

Sending support -

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5306   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8776406

waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 10:15 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

I’m not sure what is keeping you in this marriage. She had a multiple year affair where she had sex with this guy every chance she could. You gave her the grace of trying again and she goes back to him with at least an emotional affair, but most likely sexual as well. You then help her through her addiction, and she goes right back to him a third time. This mumbo jumbo of the shared IG account is just a giant smokescreen. She is planning on seeing him again by giving him your schedule. Even worse, those two are laughing behind your back reveling in the pain they have put you in. It’s downright sick. Go screw the guy at this point, but why get jollies about seeing you in pain.

Lastly, and even more devastating, is what she has done to your daughter in having her keep this woman’s secret. 16 is a fragile age for a girl. They have enough on their plate. They don’t need to know mom has been fucking some guy for years and is planning on it again. She has to read about mom and her lover making fun of you. I can’t imagine the torment that this has been for her. Think about what you a modeling? She doesn’t feel like it was worth telling you because you wouldn’t do anything about it anyway. I don’t want to be an alarmist, but you are setting her up that if she ever gets in a relationship with an abusive guy, she will take it. Dad did.

They all swear on a stack of bibles that "it’s not what you think". My EX even tried it after the PI almost busted them in the act. Don’t fall for this.

I know it’s hard to see someone so weak as your wife. You don’t need to abandon her. She is the mother of your children. But for gods sake get out of this marriage. My fear however is your daughter may be right. She will get a 4th chance

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician


posts: 2000   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8776413

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 10:22 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

So sorry, Marine.

That's one weird story to try to cover things up. It's almost an insult to your intelligence.

Sorry your daughter got caught in the middle. That would really anger me.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1970   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8776416

 1345Marine (original poster new member #71646) posted at 10:36 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

I'm more resolute than I've ever been before. I don't believe there will be a fourth chance. I feel a sense of peace amidst all the pain. It's faint, but it's there. I'm going to run towards that feeling of freedom and peace. I'm looking forward most to living in "real reality" and not always wondering what false reality someone is putting me in behind my back. I fully intend to be kind to her. I hope one day if she winds up with AP, that if they come to our kids ball game or something I wouldn't feel anything. We'll never be friends, but I don't want him to have the power to anger me even. I'm hopeful. That thought, the thought of that feeling, feels free and good. I'm in hell. The entire world is crashing, but I'm clinging to that. I'm sure she's with AP right this second, but it feels really good to know I'm not going to ask. It hurts, but feels good, if that makes any sense. I'm not checking her location as she stopped sharing it, but it feels like a burden being lifted to not check her location. We need to be co-parents. That's all. I get to create a second chapter. Hopefully a better one. Maybe one day I meet another woman who is a BS, and we're able to click and both fully understand the trauma the other has been through and be the safe place for one another. I look forward to a marriage one day of no secrets, of "Hey, I'd like to see who's texting you..." No problem babe, there it is. I'm looking forward to a day of being able to not share a "wife" and not be lied to and not live in lies. All that's true while I feel like I've been gutted and my entire world is crashing around me.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Eastern US
id 8776419

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:41 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

Is there an OBS? If so,you need to call her,and tell her of the affair..past and present.

posts: 5270   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8776422

 1345Marine (original poster new member #71646) posted at 10:52 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

Yes, there is hellfire. I told her via Facebook messenger in April 2022. She locked down all of her accounts, but didn't block me. It was weird. Her husband, the ap, says she's afraid of me. I have no idea why, especially back then, but she surely did shut down and never respond. I told her what happened when I found out in October, again via Facebook messenger as it's my only way I know to get in touch with her. It went through, but no response.

Ap reached out in late October professing his love and all that and trying to start back. My WW, because it was all in Instagram vanish mode, came to where I work at night and sat in the parking lot and opened it all in front of me. I took pictures of her phone with mine so that it wouldn't alert him that he was being seen. They had a 2 hour conversation right in front of me. The next morning I went to their house after work. Admittedly, if she was scared of me, that morning I acted in a way to give her a reason. I sent her all the messages I had taken pictures of. I was outside their house trying to show her in person. Her and AP both stayed inside until I stepped back and started yelling at the house for her to get her husband to stop trying to reach out to my wife, and yelling details of the affair. I know she heard me that time, as neighbors started coming out and AP came and called police. I'd always hoped we could be a resource for one another if we both decided to R, but she completely went incognito. So, I'm leaving that one alone now. I don't know what else to do.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Eastern US
id 8776424

waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 10:54 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

I'm more resolute than I've ever been before. I don't believe there will be a fourth chance

That’s not resolute. Resolute is I’m done. Not I think or believe I’m done.

You sound like a great guy. You won’t need to wait for a BS. You when you are ready will find someone. Get to the gym. Buy some new clothes. Do things that make you feel good. When you do that, women will flock to you in droves. I was way older than you, and nervous about putting myself out again. Boy was I wrong. If you treat women well (no Dutch!) and with respect, you will be fine. I had more women than I could handle after my divorce.

I know you love her, but she has absolutely no respect for you now. If you take her back again, what little she had woukd totally be gone. I can imagine her and her AP laughing if you did take her back.

Did she go to him? Wouldn’t be surprising. Also wouldn’t be surprising if she came back from him only to tell you we just talked and I choose you.

Most importantly, how is your daughter. You really should look into getting her therapy. She might be disguising it, teenage girls do, but this has caused her serious damage

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician


posts: 2000   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8776425

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:57 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

You can dismiss anything the AP says. You already know he's a liar.

Send her a registered letter. Tell her everything, and include a copy of all evidence. They deserve to know the truth. Do not warn your wife. Don't tell her at all.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:59 PM, Monday, February 6th]

posts: 5270   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8776426

 1345Marine (original poster new member #71646) posted at 11:24 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

Hellfire: awesome idea on the certified letter. I have the address, and if it's to her, I believe she has to pick it up. He can't intercept it. I'm going to do that.

Waitedtoolong: my daughter is struggling. Both of them are. I have two sons and two daughters, ranging in age from 11 to 18. It's been hard on all of them. My 18 year old son told me recently about how bad it's messed him up. About the same time all this broke out last year, his 2 year gf was cheating on him. So, in his mind, he's developing severe trust issues towards women. And i can only imagine how I would be if my mom, the "ideal woman" to a son in a perfect world, had cheated like this. I know he's thinking, "if mom can act this way, what hope is there in relationships?". But both him and my 16 year old daughter are in therapy. And they've gotten really close for better or worse (he's not the best influence if I'm honest).

I'm done. That's just the way I talk as a way of admitting that I never absolutely know what the world may hold in the future. Similar to calling things "theories" in science I guess. I am in the best shape of my life man. I feel great. Started after DDay1, and I have a goal to run a thousand miles this year. I think I'll get it, though it's still early. Ran my first half marathon last year. Eating good, lifting daily, I've got a better physique now than I did as a young man in the corps. So all that feels really good. And to what you're talking to about women, I do have hope for thar when I let myself look past the road I have to walk through now. I'm the maintenance guy at a hospital that's 90% women. I hear women like the guys fixing the broken things, lol. I've just never allowed myself to see it as a married man. It feels weird to even think about being free to return some of the flirting. Foreign.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Eastern US
id 8776430

waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 11:40 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

That’s great news about them in therapy. You are doing the right thing. I can’t imagine what it must be like for them to see their mom, who probably just years ago they respected, turn into such a monster.

Also great news on the physical fitness. I did the same. Took Krav Maga, hit the gym really hard, and got back to my college weight.

You should have no worries about finding someone. Going back into the dating scene is really like a market place. For a guy in the shape you are in you will be in demand. You are also right about women being attracted to nice guys. Not so much in their 20’s but at the age you are at they are looking for stability and kindness. Nothing says kindness more than a betrayed guy who was willing to forgive a wife’s affair, not once, but twice. If you were a car, you would be a Bentley.

On the other hand, your WW is in for a rude awakening. When her AP dumps her, and he will, the marketplace for a cheating woman is not good. My EX only attracted only guys who thought she was easy(and she wasn’t) and these guys were mostly married. Or guys that were 75 years old to her late 50’s. Her friends won’t want her around as they don’t want her sniffing around their husbands and won’t be able to realistically set her up with anyone of substance. She is a worn out yugo to your Bentley.

Where is she now?

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 1:59 AM, Tuesday, February 7th]

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician


posts: 2000   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8776431

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 11:43 PM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

It feels weird to even think about being free to return some of the flirting. Foreign.

I don't get the sense that you're in a hurry to get back out there, but just wanted to say please PLEASE take your time to get through the divorce and heal first. Broken attracts broken and you don't need any more relationship drama right this minute. You sound like a kind man and a good dad - speaking as a single woman, I am absolutely sure you will not want for dates down the road. Just don't be in a rush cus you have all the time in the world.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 11:44 PM, Monday, February 6th]

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3797   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8776432

waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 2:04 AM on Tuesday, February 7th, 2023

I don't get the sense that you're in a hurry to get back out there, but just wanted to say please PLEASE take your time to get through the divorce and heal first. Broken attracts broken and you don't need any more relationship drama right this minute

Excellent Advice

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician


posts: 2000   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8776448

Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:20 AM on Tuesday, February 7th, 2023

I’m so sorry, Marine.

I’m glad you’ve found some resolve.

As others have said, her story stinks to high heaven. But it doesn’t even matter what’s true. Even if she’s not back to her cheating ways, a grown ass woman who plays drunken, nonsensical social media mind games (and drags her vulnerable teen daughter into them) is a terrible partner.

Your attitude is perfect. Make your exit plan, and do everything you can to coparent well. The road out of the relationship is likely to be rocky, because you’re traumatized and she strikes me as hella unstable. But you’ll get there. Hugs to you and your kids.

[This message edited by Grieving at 11:21 AM, Tuesday, February 7th]

Husband of 20 years had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 394   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8776476

annb ( member #22386) posted at 2:26 PM on Tuesday, February 7th, 2023

Another member is sorry for you as well.

Please move forward with courage and dignity. You did everything you could to try to save your marriage, your wife failed you repeatedly.

I also agree with other posters, it is way too soon to think about dating. You'd be using another woman to help you cope with your pain.

Give yourself at minimum a year, do some therapy and reflection, and hopefully your divorce will be final by then.

You need to come out of the infidelity fog, it's going to take awhile for you to get true clarity.

posts: 11762   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8776494
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