SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I have only been married since October. I just found out he has been serial cheating on me since the day we met. My husband is a kind, gentle, thoughtful person. He has always done so much for me and has made me believe I am the safest with him in my corner. Obviously finding out he has a strange addiction to messaging random women on Snapchat trying to get them to send photos and he is sending old photos of himself was an absolute shock and devastating to me. It’s a cycle he said he has done for 10 years and he tried to stop but he couldn’t. He said it was never an emotional connection just sexual. He said he has never met any in person and would cut off the conversation within 1-2 days, by blocking them on all social media. He has also done this only at work because of boredom. I just found out on Sunday and I don’t know what to do. I always thought I would never put up with a cheating man in my life. But I love him and our life seemed very happy. He is taking all the steps to make me feel "better". He deleted social media, told his boss, signed up for counseling, offered to get a flip phone..anything he can think of. What do I do? My heart and head are not on the same page. I am so heartbroken 💔 how likely is it that he will change..or that we can actually make this marriage last. We just said our vows 4 months ago..is it possible to have a happy long lasting marriage after this.

I'm so sorry you had occasion to find SI so early in your marriage. But I am glad that you did find SI.

Is it possible. Well sure, anything is possible. But regardless of how much he says he's done, infidelity takes years to recover from and takes a LOT of work on the part of the WS (wayward spouse) to get there. And just a fair warning that it's highly unlikely you have the whole story at this point. If there's one thing I know from my experience here is that cheaters lie. Then they lie some more. Then they lie about their lies. Just prepare yourself that you may have further truth to discover in the coming weeks and months.

For right now, you don't have to make a decision either way. Right now you just need to focus on YOU and think about what you need to move forward. As the BS (betrayed spouse), you get to set whatever requirements you need for R(econciliation). Make sure to eat, drink lots of water, get sleep, and avoid alcohol. And just breathe - you're going to be okay no matter what happens down the road.

But this...

My husband is a kind, gentle, thoughtful person.

I say this very gently, but he really isn't. Kind people don't hurt their loved ones like this. Gentle people don't perpetrate the most painful thing they can on their spouse. Thoughtful people don't get bored and decide cheating is a fun hobby to take up. I know how hard it is to wrap your mind around it when your world gets turned inside out by the one person you though had your back, but it's important for your process that you see him for who he really IS, not who you thought he was.

Read everything in the healing library - there's some really good material in there. Hang in there and keep posting, even if some of the responses will be hard to read (they were for me too in the beginning).

My husband is a kind, gentle, thoughtful person

He's also an abuser. Infidelity is a form of abuse.

I am the safest with him in my corner.

This was a false sense of security. As a serial cheater, you are actually extremely unsafe with him.

he has a strange addiction

Until he has been diagnosed by a certified sexual addiction therapist, you don't know if he's actually got an addiction, or if he is saying this as an excuse for his behavior. A lot of serial cheaters claim to be a sex addict. It typically backfires on them because they're either not a SA, or they are, and a BS who stays with a SA is set up for a lifetime of pain. The chance of them reoffending is extremely high,and a life time struggle.

trying to get them to send photos and he is sending old photos of himself

If he is pleasuring himself to their pics, this is physical.

He deleted social media, told his boss, signed up for counseling, offered to get a flip phone

This is the absolute bare minimum.

He is taking all the steps to make me feel "better".

None of the work he has to do,should be aimed at making you feel better. It should be aimed at changing into a good man. A trustworthy man. As a serial cheater,he has a ton of issues he needs to work on.

At minimum, he should..

Get tested for stds.

Write a complete timeline.

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness.

He gets into IC and works on himself.

He drops any friends who knew.

He stays off all forms of SM.

He takes a polygraph.

You should..take care of yourself. Get tested for stds. Watch his actions, his words mean nothing.

Cheaters lie. A lot. Since he has been cheating on you from the start, he's told you thousands of lies.

Can you remain married? Yes. But whether it will be happy,and free from infidelity remains up to him. It takes 3 to 5 years to heal from this. And he has a ton of work to do.

You're going to get a lot lf advice to run..before you have kids..and it's not bad advice. It's something you should very seriously consider. The man you love doesn't exist. That man wore a mask. You know see who he is. He's a liar. A serial cheater. And, men don't typically involve themselves with other women,just to get some pics and talk dirty. They're wanting sex. The chances that you know everything, 2 days after dday, is slim. Very slim.

Do not tell him about this site. This is your safe place. And showing this site to a freshly caught WS is detrimental to a BS. The WS learns what they should say,or how they should act,and continue to manipulate their BS.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:52 PM, Tuesday, January 31st]

One thing to consider..most women just don't hand out naked pics of themselves. He was flirting with them to get the pics. He will probably tell you he was "telling them what they wanted to hear," to get the pics.

So he's letting you know he lies and manipulates women,to get what he wants from them. You will never know if he's doing the same thing to you.

And, wonderful men don't treat women like this..flirt, and act interested in them,to get them to sext and send pics back and forth. He's using them. Because he says he's bored.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:07 PM, Tuesday, January 31st]

This isn't what you want to hear, but 9 times out of 10, there is no reforming a serial cheater. You should be basking in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. If he can't be faithful to you now, what makes you think that there's any chance that he will remain faithful when the shine wears off the relationship and your marriage is rocked by inevitably struggles that happen over the course of life?

If I were in your situation (married <6 months and discovered cheating) I talk to a lawyer immediately and pursue an annulment; if an annulment wasn't possible, I would file for divorce. If he's been cheating on you for your entire relationship, then he married you under false pretenses. You have no reason to trust him about anything.

If you decide to stay married and give him another chance than you should:

(1) Get an air-tight postnuptial agreement

(2) Get tested regularly for STDs

(3) Don't have sex without a condom + another type of birth control

(4) Don't have kids with him (at least not for the next several years)

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:03 PM, Tuesday, January 31st]

Abigail22,

He wore a mask for you. He is very good at compartmentalising. He unmasked and had shown his true self to strangers. Seriel cheaters do not change and find it difficult to commit to only one person. Hence the name given to them. I think its great that you have discovered this so early on in your marriage. It would have ofcourse been better if you found out before marriage. Now that you have found out you need to decide what to do. Imagine if you found out years and many children later. It would have been extremely difficult to decide what you needed to do. It is extremely sad if you break your marriage off after 4 months but on the brighter side you will have saved yourself a worse heartache say if you broke it of 10 years later.

I think you will find it difficult to end your marriage but ofcourse this is a choice you will need to make. if you can live with his seriel cheating then so be it. Im not gona say that you can work it out because from other peoples experiences I can openly say that a seriel cheater is like a drug addict looking for their next quick fix and trust me he will be searching for his next 'fix'. Changing and understanding the mind of a seriel cheater is something maybe a professional can help with. Even then i think it wiĺl be difficult to crack them.

You aren’t safe with him.

He perpetrated a fraud on you. You thought you were marrying one type of person to find out you are married to someone else. You are describing the facade he sold you.

Let’s talk about the reality. He secretly and knowingly committed these acts. Because as you say he’s addicted and bored. Do you see how the use of those words mitigate his culpability? His admission is padded with excuses.

Did this man deliberately lie by omission and take away your agency to decide if you wanted to be married to a modern day digital peeping Tom? Yep. Did he do it because he wanted you safe or to keep you loving his facade while he played on his phone?

A compulsion of a decade, too big to stop…… or admit. Look hard at these actions. He’s made lots of decisions for you. Now it’s time for you to give thoughtful consideration as to how you will move forward.

Granted the peeping is consensual, but why block them after he gets his dirty pics? Because of shame or because he got what he wanted and didn’t want to deal with expectations of further contact? Look at these things from different angles. Not just from his explanation. Did he mirror or record Snapchat to get copies of these pics for use later? Are they locked in some hidden file somewhere he can go to to relive the hunt/reward?

Consider the options/perspectives. If he has had an addiction of a decade, do you think a flip phone or a decision to stop….. is going to work? Can you love someone who uses down time to do this?

You don’t have to make a decision now. Get the facts. Look at them in black and white. No one knows if your marriage is salvageable. He can do the work and build trust over time. You can see all of him without rationalizing. Only you can decide.

The truth hurts. I know you all are saying these things to help me and I appreciate the brutal honesty. I’m hoping I will find some people on here who made it out to the other side so that I can see that it’s possible. I know the statistics are very low and that our marriage is so new, but I want to have hope.

Hi Abigail and welcome to SI. At the top of the forum are some pinned posts that have some really good information. Another great spot is the Healing Library - lots of great info there, too.

Take care of yourself and focus on you. Stay hydrated, try to eat, even if it's protein shakes.

Your WH needs to prove that he's all in and does the work to be a safe partner. Watch actions, as words don't prove he's doing the work. I suggest he get and read a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald.

I’m hoping I will find some people on here who made it out to the other side so that I can see that it’s possible.

You're in the right spot. A LOT of people have made it out to the other side. I know what you want to hear about is people that stayed married on the other side and there's a lot of those, but equally there's a lot of us like me that have found a whole amazing new life on the other side of divorce.

When I first got here I was desperate to reconcile and stay married, but my path didn't lead that direction after all was said and done. Early on, the thought of divorce was really scary, but in my case (and so many others) it ended up being the best thing ever. Point being, you're in early days and you don't know where your path is going yet. But either way, you'll get through this and your gonna be okay.

My hindsight advice to you is first to take care of YOU. Second is to pay attention to his actions. Words are meaningless right now. Third is to stay open to all of your possibilities, even if some of them are scary to you.

I’m so sorry that you’re here, Abigail. Infidelity is the worst pain that most of us have experienced.

Gently, it’s not that any of us don’t want you to have hope, but it’s really important to remember that your hope won’t change things. Only his willingness to change and his extremely hard work will change things. With serial cheaters, the pattern is often very ingrained, and it is not just the specific activity, but his entire way of living (not just the parts related to infidelity) that he would need to change. Infidelity comes from a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy for others, a patterned behavior of lying and hiding and sneaking that often is very ingrained from childhood behaviors. These things are extremely difficult to accept and change.

In the case of my WH, he decided that he only needed to not actively cheat, but he was not willing to examine how the same thinking and behaviors (and the same lack of empathy for how his behavior affected others) was present in every part of his life. As a result, he couldn’t be a safe partner. Just not cheating was not enough.

Only you can decide what is acceptable for you. You have only just discovered his horrible behavior, and you probably don’t know the full extent yet, because cheaters are not accustomed to telling the truth about their covert activities. They will usually only tell you what they have absolutely no choice about because you already know it or have an inkling. They can even be challenged to know anything about the truth because they lie to themselves too (as in, if it’s not an emotional connection—only sex—it’s okay). They usually don’t understand themselves or their own motivations all that well. It will likely take him a lot of therapy and a lot of time—as in years—to have any real answers about these things. And that is IF AND ONLY IF he is willing to really examine himself that clearly without defensiveness, rationalization, or justification.

Simply put, not many waywards can do this. But that is not to say that none can. If he is really serious, he will not make excuses, not get defensive, answer all questions, give complete access to his electronics, and get himself into serious IC immediately that is directed at how he makes such terrible decisions and how to become a safe partner for you or anyone else. Anything less, and I mean ANYTHING less, is not a great sign. Serious resistance, anger, defensiveness, hiding ANY information, telling you that you don’t need to know any information you ask for—these are not good signs that he understands the seriousness of what he’s done.

My honest thought, from a perspective much farther out, is that you are so early in that it would be better to cut your losses. I know that might not be what you want to hear—I know I didn’t want to hear it. I say this because truly recovering from infidelity is UNBELIEVABLY hard and painful, and it requires UNBELIEVABLE work that few waywards are willing to do. It requires such BRUTAL honesty with oneself—for both wayward and betrayed—about the unhealthy choices that we make and a willingness to change ourselves in fundamental ways to get healthy.

For us betrayeds, it often means examining why we accept being disrespected and disregarded and devalued, and how we are sometimes driven by fear to accept abuse like infidelity rather than let go. It involves letting go of trying to do the work for them, feeling responsible for their feelings and actions, thinking we have any control of what they do, setting strong boundaries. For waywards, it involves seeing clearly the horribleness of being brutally uncaring, dishonest, selfish, and disrespectful, not only of the many women that he is treating like objects for his pleasure and ego-boost, but especially of his wife, who he supposedly loves. It is really hard work. It requires so much time and difficult truths. It is—without exception—a process of YEARS. There is no fast, easy route. NONE.

Only you can decide if he is worth that. But you can’t decide for him. If he isn’t completely willing to do the work rather than just talk and cry about how he’s screwed up, your hope will be just more pain and lost years in the end. It isn’t that there’s no hope. It’s that you have to decide if the years and the lost trust and the excruciatingly difficult road ahead for you are worth it for NO guarantee that he will change. You can only decide for you. You won’t be able to control him any more in the future than you were able to in the past. Those are important things for you to know and think about.

No one here wants to take away your hope. We just want you to understand the road ahead and make decisions for yourself based in reality, truth, and firm respect for yourself and your one, beautiful life. I wish you peace and wisdom in moving forward in whatever way you decide is best for you. No judgement. We will be here to help and support you whatever you choose. You will hear honesty here too. Take what you need and leave the rest. Come back when you need more.

Abigail,

I will give you hope, but in return, you will need to be honest with yourself. Brutally honest.

Here's the good news--there have been many members here, over the years, who came through with their marriage intact, and seemingly happy. I'm not saying it's a one-in-a-million rarity, but it is not like every other couple make it through, either. You are still there in your marriage, as is he. So here is your new starting point.

Your only chance of success is your husband's desire, through his actions, to be a better person and a safe partner. He has to want to do this for no other reason than him not liking the person that he currently is. Can he change? Will he change? It takes a LOT of time and effort to change behaviors that have been the norm for years and years. He is barely getting started, and that is only because he was caught. He can say that he has wanted to change, but has he really? I can say that I'd like to lose 5 pounds while eating fast food every day, and not exercising, but then my actions don't really match my words. He hid this behavior from the beginning with you, and that was for the sole purpose of not getting caught.....not because he was 'trying to stop'.

So now he is starting to take some actions. Only time will tell if he is sincere. But what you need to do, at this time, is get even more uncomfortable with yourself and the state of your marriage. You need to go way beyond hope, and start to dig to get the truth. HONESTY STARTS WITH THE ENTIRE TRUTH. Unfortunately, taking him at his word that you 'know everything' is nowhere near enough. You need to BELIEVE, and not through the power of hope, that you have the entire truth. That should start with phone and computer scouring. If most of his misdeeds where on his phone, have it forensically scanned to retrieve as many messages as possible. If it was on a PC, do the same. You have to know what you are recovering from. How far are you willing to go to search for the truth, outside of his declarations? Are you willing to put your marriage on hold, and even realistically look at the possibility of divorce if he is not forthcoming? This is how uncomfortable that you need to get.

I think that the possibility of reconciliation is good, as long as your husband can change. That is something that you have ZERO control over. The odds, on paper, are against him, but he can prove those stats wrong if he really wants to. But there will need to be sacrifice on your end, and that is the risk of you possibly losing months, years, future dreams....if your husband isn't serious. Far more fail than make it, and it's hard to really call it a failure on his behalf, because it merely showed that his desire to change was less than him wanting to continue his old behaviors. But in the meantime, it is YOU who suffers more. What's more important is that you CHOSE to take that risk.

If there is one positive to this heartbreak, is that you now have some agency in your life. Imagine how much more difficult this would be if hadn't found out for another 10 years. Your options may seem awful at this time, but at least they are YOUR options to take.

Yes, there are BS who have reconciled.

We have our battle scars. We don't completely trust our spouse, because after infidelity, full trust is never restored. For years,we verify everything they say. Many spent years constantly checking their WS phone,email,all accounts. Many set boundaries of no opposite sex friends. We spent many nights crying ourselves to sleep,drowning in pain. Those who have a serial cheater on their hands,get tested for stds regularly,and spend time waiting for the next affair.

The vast majority of us who reconciled(which isn't something you just say you are,and so you are...it's a very long process that literally takes years), we attempted reconciliation because we had years,some decades, of marriage,and children to consider.

We know how it's extremely rare to have a WS who actually does the work necessary for true reconciliation.

The man you love doesn't exist. After 10 years, this is who he is. It will take years of intense therapy to change. Years of transparency (the entire marriage,to be honest), years of him being ok with no opposite sex friends. Years of accountability.

He's a very unsafe person

And you are very unsafe with him.

If you insist on attempting reconciliation, start with both of you getting a full panel of std tests. And him writing a full timeline.

Tell him it will be followed by a polygraph. And follow through with the polygraph. You deserve a foundation of truth. You don't have that now.

It's highly recommended that you confide in your mom,sister, or best friend. You need IRL support.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:50 PM, Wednesday, February 1st]

What I read in your post is a description of a man who takes serious risks and sabotages himself. Not many employers would look kindy on using company time to find partners.

Actually, the probability of successful R is pretty high if both partners do their work. Your work is to resolve your feelings and decide on what you will and will not accept. It's entirely within reason to decide your H had 1 chance, and he blew it. IOW, D is one way to survive and thrive. It's also entirely within reason to observe your H, see that he will change himself from cheater to good partner, and choose R.

What bothers me is that he says he's tried to stop but can't. I get that. I've wanted to lose weight for several years, and I just haven't - and that's after losing a lot of weight, so I know I can do it. I don't want to do it enough to seek help, though. It's just not a big enough problem for me now.

What sort of help has your H sought? What sort of help has he accepted?

The thing is: change is difficult. If your H offers to change for you, he'll probably blame you when things get difficult - blame you and rebel. If he decides to change for himself, whether you stick around or not, maybe he's a candidate for R. If R is a possible choice for you, I recommend browsing in the R(econciliation) forum to get a flavor of the problems people experience.

I chuckle at jb3199's use of 'seemingly happy'. I'm happy I R'ed without any qualifiers. But both my W & I were brutally honest, a term also used by jb3199. Being able to be honest with ourselves and with each other is one of the great benefiits of R, so it might be better to think 'totally'.

To survive and thrive after D, you have to be totally, perhaps brutally, honest with yourself.

To survive and thrive after R, you have to be totally, perhaps brutally, honest with yourself That's also true for your H and for both of you in being with each other.

Will your H do that? Will he do the work he needs to do to change from self-sabotager to good partner?

*****

I have no argument with your use of 'seemingly happy', jb3199. I understand R can look like self-delusion, and I understand I might be kidding myself about being happy. But sometimes I chuckle even when the joke might be on me.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:07 PM, Wednesday, February 1st]

Hi Abigail,

I'm the person whose story you're looking to hear. Although we had been together for 10 years prior to getting married, my husband started his A a few months after our wedding day. D-day was a month and a half before our first wedding anniversary. I was completely crushed (i thought we were happy) and utterly humiliated by it all (imagine having to announce a separation that soon!). I was too scared to post at first, because after reading for a while, I knew I would receive a bunch of the same sorts of posts you did (Run! Cut your losses! Get away while you still can! etc). I was too fragile to hear all that back then, even though it was all well-intentioned. Anyhow, despite all of that, after years of blood, sweat and so (so!) many freaking tears, our story is a happy one. So to answer your question, yes it is possible. That's not to say it's probable though.

You are still very early days and probably don't even have the full story yet. It is way, WAY too early for you to know whether your husband is R-material at this point. When faced with infidelity, a lot of our immediate reaction is to want to reconcile. I think a lot of that is actually wishing that none of this ever happened and wanting to go back to the life we thought we had/originally had planned. That unfortunately is not an option. Your old marriage/relationship is dead. It may be that your H proves himself to be the kind of person that you want to rebuild with, and it might be that he proves himself (again) to be the kind of person you'll never be able to trust again. Stick around, read what you can (the Healing Library is an invaluable resource) and please take care of yourself.

It doesn't matter how long you've been together, what you've gone through is a trauma. I hope you have people in your real life you can lean on right now. Are you eating okay and managing to keep it down? (I could barely manage to eat at first and mostly survived on juice). Are you sleeping okay? Functioning alright at work?

Emergent8,

Everything I try to eat makes my stomach sick..I have been drinking a lot of water. At night I get restless sleep. At work it’s hard to focus on anything but what is happening in my life. Today is the first day I haven’t cried..yet. I’m trying to take care of myself the best I can right now. I can’t even drink alcohol it literally burns my stomach.

I haven’t told many people but I do have 2 great friends in my life that are being a listening ear and support. I accidentally told a girl at work and immediately felt bad and wished I didn’t. She is young she had opinions and I didn’t like her having this information. I don’t plan on telling my family until I decide it’s necessary if it ever is. I’m just so mad at him for doing this to me.

Also, I appreciate all of the information and suggestions. Even the stuff that is hard to hear/see. I just know that I really need to make the right decision for me.

You've received a lot of good advice already, and I wish the very best for you.

The only thing I'll add is this: From my own experience, and through many years of reading this forum, know that an affair does not strengthen a relationship, ever. Even if you R successfully, even if he never cheats again, it doesn't change the fact that there is now a crack in the foundation that will always be there. It's something you need to consider as you continue to heal and decide what's best for you.

You want to know if others have made it out to the other side. Certainly they have. But that black spot is always there. I've read too many stories of R'd couples where the BS still sobs at the thought of the A every now and again, where triggers are now a life-long reality that will never go away. The intensity will lessen, but they are always there. So is the tiny voice in the dark corners of their mind, always doubting. It sounds exhausting.

Situations may differ, but human nature stays the same. Betrayal is a deep, poisonous, cutting emotion, especially coming from those we trusted and loved.

I'm not saying these things to push you one way or the other. This is simply the truth, and the truth can be cold and harsh.

All the best.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 3:29 AM, Saturday, February 4th]

Abigail22,

The anger you have towards him doesnt completely go. I am 6 years and I am still angry at him for destroying marriage 1.0. We had an amazing marriage. We travelled we succeeded in everything we did together. Ive been married 13 years now and together over 15 years. Marriage 2.0 is very different. We didnt have children in marriage 1.0 and I always say that had an affect but I believe that anything that happens in a marriage should not cause anyone to cheat. I believe in fidelity whereas clearly he didnt. I really thought he did. It messed my head and my life up to the point that I didnt want to live anymore. I was around 20 when I first met him while I was still studying and he became my first for everything. I have not been with anyone else. He became my best friend and we got married. They say marry your best friend dont they. Well I did. I genuinely thought he would never do anything to hurt me and I was blindsided when it all came out. The pain I felt i guess im still recovering from? It never goes away. Yes there are days where i dont think about it at all but i agree with WonderingGhost that crack will always be there.

All I am saying is that this is what I feel from his one A. I cannot imagine what i will be feeling from seriel cheating. All i know is that i will not be there. I will walk out or more like kick him to the kerb. He will not be part of my life. Marriage 2.0 with now 2 children I know that I cannot be with someone who is a disappointment to them or me again.

Ofcourse you can try and see where it goes with your H. We all need to have hope. Hope is something that is important for our lives to go on. Most importanly it is him that needs to want to be committed to you and be only committed to you. Being angry is just the beginning...

Addictions for some are no different that cancer for others. Do you stop talking to him because he has an illness of sorts? Or do you find help, find an accountability person for him, etc?