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Newest Member: Taikor

Just Found Out :
I think I'm married to a serial cheater.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 uallen (original poster new member #82725) posted at 5:59 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

Hello. I was surprised to find this website. Well, it happened to me, my worst fear since becoming married. I'm 28, and my husband is also 28. My husband cheated. Again and again and again. This time it was physical. We have been married for 4 years, but together for 5 years. We don't have children, but he really really really wants kids. He has low sperm count, and we tried IUI once. I had a miscarriage. Since the first year of marriage, he's flirted online probably once per year. It upset me but I was able to forgive it since it was online. Then, one day it was a coworker he flirted with. I confronted her and told him it wasn't okay. She said she had a boyfriend, apologized, and said she'd never speak to him again. I probably shouldn't have spoken to her, but I always feel like I need to tell these women to stay away and that he's married.

I know he should be the one to not even open that door. We moved on. He said that when he's stressed out, he did it but told me he'd never do it again. In the beginning of October of 2022, we signed for a house together. The day we signed for the house, I found out he was at another woman's house just the night before. I legally could not get out of the binding contract.

So, I tried to move forward with him and give him one more chance. I told him our last chance was to try therapy to see what's really going on and why he keeps doing it and why it's gradually getting worse. Pretty much, it is his way to avoid conflict and escape his problems. He doesn't love these women, but they helped him to escape reality for a moment. It's sick to me. I am able to stay faithful when we have a disagreement, so what's his problem? We started therapy in the beginning of October, and by mid December, I found that he'd been talking to a LIST of women and had sexual relations with 3 women within the time that we were in counseling. He was giving the women he had sex with money and paying phone bills. He also thought he got one of them pregnant because the condom broke in her. He texted her that if she wasn't pregnant, he was going to get her pregnant. When I confronted him about this, he said that he texted that but he didn't mean that. He said it was "all talk".

I was done. He managed to carefully come home at a decent time and make me feel special like we actually had a chance. The whole time, he was still cheating. I told him I wanted a divorce and all of a sudden, he switched up his tune. He's now doing things he hadn't done before. He wanted to do Life360 (the app that allows you to see where each other are at all times). So, we do that now, and he said that it's because he wants me to know that he's telling the truth. Mind you, the counselors suggested this app in the beginning of therapy, and he was totally against it. He said that it was like giving the cheat code to the relationship. ?? He also gave me the password to his phone so that I could have all access. He messaged each person and told them all he's married and can't talk to them anymore. He blocked them. Then, he changed his phone number. He deleted all social media where he flirted with others. This is all great stuff and everything, but now I am trying to get the trust back for him.

At one time, I felt like I didn't love him anymore. I just feel so lost. I have started doing more for myself. I have been taking myself out to the spa and just dating myself again. I just want to take care of myself since I feel like he hasn't been. I often wonder if I am doing the right thing by staying with him. I do believe him when he says he loves me, but in the back of my mind, I am also thinking, who does this to people they love? Also, why would he change now? He's willing to give up everything he was doing now? Why not in the beginning of therapy? The therapist asked me to ask him why now? He said that when I caught him doing it, he needed help to stop. I brought this up in therapy, and he said that he's been grieving his son's passing. Right before we got together, he was with someone else for several years, and they lost a son together.

I didn't know when we were dating. I had just gotten out of a physically abusive relationship, and he felt like a breath of fresh air. We were helping to heal each other at that time. Now I feel broken and like I've lost purpose. I am trying to do right and try to keep my marriage as long as I can, but I wonder if this is what was intended for me. I am no longer in that stage where I am angry all of the time and unpredictable, thank God. It was affecting how much I ate and my job attendance. I'm at that stage now where I feel confused, lost, uncertain, and I don't know. I feel like a big question mark is on my future now. He's here and doing everything right, for now, but now I don't know if he's who I should be with. I don't want to be in another relationship. I would just travel, but I don't know if he's worth sharing my life with now. I am trying to be as forgiving as possible, not just for him, but for myself.

I feel like I have forgiven some because I am not as angry with him. I understand he's human and makes mistakes but... I don't know anymore about us. I would love him to be the husband I've wanted all along, which he seems to be playing the part now, but why didn't he do this the first, second, fifth, and seventh time he cheated? He said that he is willing to give it up because I am genuine now for the first time. My love has always been genuine. He trusts me whole heartedly for this reason, but the only thing I was genuine about this time was leaving him. :( It shouldn't take all of this for him to change. Ugh, I don't know anymore. I am looking for words of wisdom. Thank you for reading

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2023   ·   location: Southern Mississippi
id 8773384
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 6:15 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

I’m sorry that you’ve been through so much. It’s excruciating and so difficult.

The chance of you having a fulfilling, long-term partnership with someone who pathologically cheats on you so many times this early in the relationship is next to none. Cut and run. You are still young with a long life ahead of you. Do not keep yourself shackled to someone who is a such terrible candidate for a partner.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 624   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8773387
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reborn07 ( member #71226) posted at 7:14 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

sorry this is happening to you uallen. i know this is a heartbreaking experience, and this part sucks. it’s good that you’re taking the time to focus on yourself, that’s what you should do. in my opinion from the outside, it looks like he’s shown you what you need to know. mistakes are mistakes, but this is a calculated choice that he’s made repeatedly. it’s not a mistake, he’s choosing to do what he wants no matter how it hurts you. you’re young and i guess a house is the only tie that binds? if y’all end up having kids, you don’t want to have to circle back to this fork in the road when there are children in the middle too. it’s not too late to save yourself from this guy and pursue something that makes you happy.

posts: 65   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2019   ·   location: georgia
id 8773389
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 7:25 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

RUN !!! Your M has been a sham, you're still young and deserve so much better than a proven cheater and liar, don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs, yes he's also been playing russian roulette with your health and during a pandemic no less, some STDs could remain dormant for years and early detection could be veery important for treatment.

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8773390
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:55 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

Gently, you don’t think you are married to a serial cheater. You know you are, because he has shown you who he is repeatedly.
A few things:
1) This is 100% on him. He is broken and you cannot fix him. MC cannot fix him. Only he can fix himself and that is a gargantuan undertaking that will take years. He doesn’t seem to have the necessary strength of character to go through the work of fixing himself if he is blaming you for not helping him stop his hurtful behavior.
2) Take care of yourself — this is a huge trauma to you. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, get enough sleep, get some exercise daily, and avoid alcohol. If you are having trouble with sleep or anxiety, please talk to your doctor.
3) Get STI/STD testing immediately. You are young and the last thing you need is some nasty he gives you. If you are intimate with him, use protection every time until he also gets tested and SHOWS you the results. (Liars lie, so make sure you see that he has gotten a clean bill of health).
4) Do not get pregnant right now. If he can’t handle the stresses of every day life without kids, imagine how well he will handle babies and children. He is NOT parenting material right now- he’s not husband material. Take precautions. This only gets more complicated with kids in the mix.
5) Talk to a lawyer to understand what D would look like financially. You don’t have to file right now, but knowledge is power and it will give you strength to have facts and understanding instead of fear and uncertainty.
6) Consider IC for yourself to help you understand what you want. And gather a support system - bestie, sister or mom, pastor— whoever you trust will support you. It helps to have IRL support.
7) Trust that you will get through this. It sucks and it hurts, but you will survive.

And lastly, watch his actions. Don’t let him lovebomb you. You need to see him take an active approach to his issues- him setting up IC, reading self help books, changing his core behaviors. Words are easy, but true change takes work and you need to consist change over time. Do not commit to R until you’ve seen true change over a long period. And I hate to be cynical, but look out for a burner phone.

I am sorry you are here. Keep posting, read in the healing library, and take care of yourself.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5919   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8773396
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 10:27 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

This is not what marriage looks like. How can you trust someone that has repeatedly said "ok, ok, trust me now". Then he betrays you again. He is not husband material, you are young and deserve much better.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3388   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8773405
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 11:34 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

I know that these responses must be pretty tough to hear. I will not tell you to stay or go, but I will strongly urge you to think about this:

You only get one life on this planet. If you want children, then you are even on more of a timeframe. I know that when you marry, you are supposed to commit to one another, and foresake all others, but that has not been the case.

With this knowledge, you are now informed of the risks/rewards that you may encounter in the future. If he was to cheat in the future, that is on him, but you still made the choice to try again. It doesn't seem fair that we, the betrayed, have to take ownership due to someone else's actions, but that is exactly what we need to do. We have the data in front of us; how we compile and act on it is up to us.

I will end this post on the above statement:


4) Do not get pregnant right now. If he can’t handle the stresses of every day life without kids, imagine how well he will handle babies and children. He is NOT parenting material right now- he’s not husband material. Take precautions. This only gets more complicated with kids in the mix.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4347   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8773413
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 12:00 AM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

I would also like to stress that getting pregnant right now is a terrible idea. I don’t care how much this man thinks he wants kids; he is terrible parent material. Good parenting takes the ability to put one’s own desires and ego on the back burner. It takes patience and hard work and consistency and a willingness to divide labor fairly. It takes good stress management skills. Your husband lacks all these things.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 624   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8773419
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:08 AM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

I am so sorry for you. You have been lied to and gaslight by a master manipulator.

Should you stay married to him? I don’t know. He could change. Permanently. Or it could be a change for a period of time until he cheats again.

His coping skills stink. And you don’t have kids yet. What happens if they are Sick or having learning disabilities or physical challenges? Is he going to cheat as a way to cope?

Because that’s his excuse so far and nothing seems to be working.

As far as the house, I don’t know where you are but if you cannot qualify for a mortgage then the deal could be undone.

Figure out some way to not qualify if you want out. Run up your credit cards (with intent to pay them off). Refuse to provide access to your income as part of the qualifications and hope he doesn’t make enough to qualify. Tell them you are D him and you no longer want the house. Pay the seller some bucks to cancel the contract if you have to. Get out if you want out.

It will be one less headache down the road if you decide you don’t want to remain married. You can walk away now with less entanglement b/c you don’t own real estate. You divide up what your have and move on.

I’m so sorry for you. Right now I suspect you are being lovebombed by him. He’s going to be good until the heat is off and he’s out of the doghouse. Then (as most serial cheaters do) he will revert back to his old ways.

You need a good counselor for yourself. Someone who understands Indio and serial cheaters. They are a very different cheater. It’s almost like it’s an addiction.

Keep posting here. We will support you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:10 AM, Sunday, January 15th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13868   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8773423
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 12:49 AM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

I understand he's human and makes mistakes...

Cheating isn't about being human or making mistakes. You were in the same relationship with the same stressors, but you didn't cheat on him, right? Cheating is about our character, our values, our integrity, our boundaries. If you really, truly believe in fidelity and honesty, you don't just toss those values away. Our truest values don't have an escape clause. There's a "but..." in your WH's values statement. ie. "He believes in fidelity, but... not if he's escaping or avoiding conflict". He's saying essentially that his relationship to the core values he's espoused publicly are predicated on YOUR behavior. You have a conflict so he solves that by screwing a rando?

When we're betrayed this way, we tend to search out reasons why it happened and more often than not, we want so much to believe that we can fix it that we end up buying into a lot of pop-psy mumbo-jumbo. But the bottom line really is that cheating is about the cheater. There's nothing inside the WS which provides a definitive 'no' to perfidious behavior. It's all rationalized and justified.

That's not to say that there's no hope for real recovery and reconciliation. The trick here though is to not be drawn into excuses which sound so legitimate and rational but are actually NOT reflective of the WS character. It's painfully introspective, humbling work for a WS to drill down to the root of his issues and take 100% responsibility for being the kind of person who backstabs their partner. That WS is typically not the person he thought he was. Although, to be candid, some are just evil and they do know who and what they are but they just don't care. Most though, talk a good talk because they believe their own bullshit.

Your best bet is to not buy into the bullshit.

I'll be honest. You're still young enough to move on with your life and put his train wreck of a relationship behind you. You can still have a great relationship, kids, all the things you want to achieve. The problem is that when you've committed to Mr.Wrong, you'll never find Mr.Right. This guy has little (if any) history of not cheating and abusing. I think, if it were me, I'd cut bait. Five years sounds like a lot. I've been married for forty now. Time really does fly, so much faster than what you might think. A cheater can waste years and decades of your life, only to turn around later and abandon you. Change is possible, but it's more rare than one might hope.

((big hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7017   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8773429
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:24 AM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

So sorry you had to find us. Infidelity sucks.

Serial cheaters have a bad track record because it takes a lot of work to change to be a safe partner. Life360 might be a good start, but what is he doing (actions) to be safe? Downloading an app on his phone is minimal.

Forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store is a mistake. Cheating is thousands of conscious decisions to betray.

Please keep posting and asking questions.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3333   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8773438
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:40 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

I re-read your post.

He’s the worst kind of serial cheater because HE BLAMES YOU!!

Now he claims your love is "genuine"

Now he says he’s grieving the loss of his son and that’s why he cheated

Now he’s doing what you want (but not of his own choosing) but because you want a D

He cheats because he is "stressed" (which I commented on in my previous post)

He’s 28. He’s been a cheater for many years. Based on what you have told us, he has some serious problems that will take years of therapy to address. And there are no guarantees he will remain monogamous.

Since the cheating has been so egregious you have to ask yourself - is this the way I want to live? Do I want to be the marriage police the rest of my life?

I can tell you that too many people I know personally who married someone just like your H all wished they would have left their cheating spouse before kids.

The TELL is that he didn’t do the right things (giving you passwords, life360 etc) of his own free will. He did it after you said you wanted a D. He’s doing this now to cover his butt - not because he wanted to.

Big difference.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:16 PM, Sunday, January 15th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13868   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8773456
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 1:41 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

Gently, he's shown you repeatedly who he is. Please believe him. IMO he will change for a brief period then back to lather, rinse, repeat.

You are only 28. Find a man who is faithful. They are out there.

posts: 12126   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8773458
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 3:03 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

I was married to a serial cheater. They never ever stop. She's on her 3rd marriage and is still cheating 35 years later. You're still young you can find a better prtner.

BH 60, WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings WW #1 51 since remairred twice continues to cheat even today WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage DD adult 33 DSD adult 34 DSS adult 31

posts: 277   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8773462
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hurtbs ( member #10866) posted at 4:30 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

I am so sorry you are here. What a painful journey you have been on. A few things about your story stuck out to me:

I told him our last chance was to try therapy to see what's really going on and why he keeps doing it and why it's gradually getting worse. Pretty much, it is his way to avoid conflict and escape his problems. He doesn't love these women, but they helped him to escape reality for a moment.

If true (it may not be), this is an incredibly dysfunctional coping method. Not only will he never be faithful in any relationship, but he will be incapable of intimacy at any level; you cannot be intimate with someone without conflict.

He went to MC with you and continued to cheat on you with other women, even trying to get one pregnant (don't believe the "it's all talk" BS - that nonsense cuts both ways, it could be "all talk" with you). That is another level of devious and deception. He also exposed YOU to STI's while you were trying to get pregnant.

He said that he is willing to give it up because I am genuine now for the first time.

First, this reveals an awful lot about his character. Instead of being a "coping mechanism" he is saying that he chooses to cheat on you. He blames you for his infidelity because you are "now genuine" (whatever that means.). This man is taking ZERO responsibility for his choices to hurt and manipulate you. Let's be very clear, no one *makes* anyone cheat. This man has cheated on you numerous times, lies to you, gaslights you, and is emotionally abusive. You aren't out there cheating (and people would say "I get why uallen cheats, her husband is a douchecanoe." His cheating is on him. period. If he felt you weren't being "genuine," he had a ton of healthy choices: talk to you about it, go to therapy (or bring it up in therapy), or leave.

I don't often say "leave him/her" but in this case, I think you should. This man IS a serial cheater (you have evidence of that). I suspect that what you have found is just the tip of the iceberg. At the very least, DO NOT GET PREGNANT WITH HIM. I suspect the stressors of pregnancy, having a child will be yet another "reason" (not valid BTW) for him to cheat. Children are stressful AND it will tie you to this man FOREVER.

If having children is something you want in life, then your timeline is shorter to make this decision. I would advise you not to stay because you "hope" he can become the man, the husband, and partner you want him to be. Find a man who is (Or at least, hasn't proven he isn't).

[This message edited by hurtbs at 4:33 PM, Sunday, January 15th]

Me - 40 something. WXH DDay 2006, Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022
Single

posts: 15762   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   ·   location: So Cal
id 8773468
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 5:14 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

He is an addict. Would you have married him if he was addicted to gambling,alcohol, drugs etc? He is addicted to sneaking, lying, plotting, having sex. Once done he might manage a day or two but it will grab him again.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4214   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8773470
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 5:53 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

How many more years of your life— and your prime period of fertility— are you willing to waste on this man?

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1899   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8773474
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brkn_heartd ( member #30396) posted at 8:43 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

I am so sorry you need to be here. Cheating hurts so bad. He has cheated on you many times that you know of. There are likely many you don't know of. This is not being human or making a mistake, these were very deliberate actions he made. You gave him numerous chances and he did not take them until you were ready to walk. I also will not recommend stay or go, but I will recommend going to individual counseling for YOU to help make those decisions.

Martial counseling is great working through problems of your marriage. You do not have marriage problems, he has a cheating problem. He is the broken one. He needs to be going to individual counseling to figure out what is wrong with him. Take care of yourself. You also do not have to decided right now...you can go to some sessions and then decide or even decide 6 months from now you can't do it. At the end of the day, will you feel like you can trust him ever again? Will You always wonder what he is doing and what he is doing with?

I didn't see if you mentioned, but you need to be checked for STD. Do not have unprotected sex until you figure this out.

Me-57 BS
Him 65-WS
Married 38 yrs, together 40
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

posts: 2132   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2010   ·   location: Northwesten US
id 8773479
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faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 1:37 AM on Monday, January 16th, 2023

You've gotten so much great advice and excellent sound reasoning to go with it.

So I will skip all of that and give you the best advice/plan of action you will get...

RUN, RUN AWAY FROM THIS MAN!!

Run.

Run, like you are in a cave, and you just blew up the enemy base behind you, and the explosion is about to catch you and incinerate you.


Run run run.

Put this man behind you

Do not have children with him.

DO NOT EVER HAVE SEX WITH HIM AGAIN.

Cut your losses.

Take your 28-year old, whole-future-in-front-of-you life completely away from this train wreck of a partner and count your blessings you did not have children with him yet.

Learn from this awful experience what you need to watch out for and what you should not tolerate from a life-partner.

But most importantly, disengage NOW!!!

Cut your losses & run.

Away from him.

Now!!

posts: 960   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8773500
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 4:16 PM on Monday, January 16th, 2023

He is a very broken man. You can't fix this. He has to want to fix it, and between this and your other thread it is apparent, that he just wants things to continue as they are, meaning he isn't willing to dig deep and fix whatever is broken w/in himself to be a safe, and worthy partner.

This is not about you, this has nothing to do with looks, caregiving, or how you do or don't support him. This is about him needing those ego kibbles to feel worthy in life. And there will never be enough to keep him happy because he isn't looking inward to fix his brokenness.

This is going to be hard to hear, but sister you are are young, cut your losses now, and get out. Go to IC to help heal yourself from this trauma, and help you understand that you are enough, and that you do not have to tolerate anyone ever treating you like an option.

You deserve a lifetime of happiness and love, what he is giving you, and doing to you is the opposite of that. Quite frankly it's abusive.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20137   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8773536
Topic is Sleeping.
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