SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First some context. My husband and I had a serious fight 5 nights ago, because he had rejected me sexually. This has happened so frequently throughout the marriage, and with all the accumulated sadness and rejections, I just broke down and started crying and screaming. I'd had a few drinks earlier while i was out to dinner, so then that fight then became all about how I shouldn't drink. I admit I probably shouldnt be drinking at all now due to the stress in my life. When I woke up the next morning I felt deeply ashamed and humiliated. I apologized immediately for my drunk yelling and losing control and said that I hoped he could forgive me. He didnt say anything, but just kind of gave me a nod like he heard me.

Then I went to visit a sick close relative in the hospital. When I came home in the afternoon he was gone and didn't come back for about 5 hours. When I asked where he was, he said he was out running errands, walking (in the frigid cold) and that he went to visit a guy friend. I was still reeling from my feelings of shame, so I didn't think anything then.

But yesterday morning, his phone was stuck on being unlocked while he was asleep. A nagging feeling told me to check it. There were texts to a woman identified only by her last name. It showed that he was with her on that afternoon in question. I only got to look for about 30 seconds before it locked and so I was not able to screenshot anything. I didn't see any smoking gun like that they slept together or sexting, just it confirmed that he had been there in her home with her, and I also saw a lot of stupid texts that preceded that visit, mainly talking like they were just good friends.

As hard as it was, I decided to just digest the information and not confront yet and see if I could gather more info.
But This is all I have. I don't have access to the phone bill, and we keep our money separate. He is very protective of that phone, I can see why now. Later on yesterday, we were on our way somewhere, and he was texting in front of me to a chain of guy friends, but underneath it I saw that woman's last name again, so he'd texted her that day too. He saw me looking over his shoulder and then he just tilted the phone toward him very slightly. Very slick.

I feel like I want to confront him now. I don't want to admit I looked through his phone, because he is a litigious type and I imagine if we get a divorce he will get me in legal trouble for that. But I thought of simply asking him--hey, really, where were you on that day? I expect he will lie again, and then I thought of saying, "Well may I see your phone? I saw this weird name when I looked over your shoulder yesterday," and then if he doesn't give me the phone immediately, what should I say?

Please please help.

Take your time. Do not confront him now and try not to act differently than normal. Others will be along to give you advice on how to get the info you need. One good idea would be to put a VAR in his car and find out what he's saying when he feels he's safe from listening ears.

NEVER EVER EVER tell him how you know. Misdirect if possible. "Who told me is not the issue. The issue is with the cheating itself."

Do you want to stay married to him? If not just go get a divorce. You don’t need to prove anything. You are already married to a cheater.

Collect as much intel as you need to confront from a position of absolute confidence and strength. Once the confrontation begins you will be counter-confronted with gaslighting, minimizing and something we see often called DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). If not adequately prepared you might find yourself self at a disadvantage and walking away feeling conflicted, confused, uncertain, manipulated and regretful.

As Cooley2here advised, if you’re not interested in reconciliation and you personally have enough evidence to confidently satisfy you to make a definitive decision going forward, then you need no further evidence. Unless you’re in an At Fault state, the courts don’t care about infidelity.

If you’re confronting to more easily, directly gather more evidence, and he is having an affair, he will go into damage control mode, take the affair further underground, sanitize his phone, destroy all evidence and then lie, Lie LIE his ass off, quite convincingly, until you are seriously doubting your own sanity and powers of perception. Then he’ll go on a personal and public character assassination campaign against you to cover his ass, undermine your credibility and pave the way for future justification to cheat.

Once you have enough intelligence where you are confident that he is indeed cheating, you confront directly using phrases such as:

"I know about your affair…I KNOW your having an affair…I have have an abundance of evidence"

"Don’t ask how I know, Just know that I know"

"If you’re interested in saving this marriage you will immediately do this, that and…etc "

"If you’re not interested in saving this marriage, then let’s get a divorce so you can be with what’s-her-name"

There is poster here named "Bigger" who has an excellent confrontation speech.

And then if he comes back-at-ya with the typical cheater’s bullshit right out of the Cheater’s Playbook, you immediately shut him down and implement "The 180". You stay in control of the conversation and your desired outcome.

I strongly recommend you read "The Tactical Primer" pinned to the top of this forum.

Good Luck and sorry you have had to come to us.

Sorry your here. When 2 people are married transparency in all things is tantamount to trust itself. Not allowing each other access to all electronic devices I feel is a huge no no. With advent of the internet , home computers, cell phones, email and texting, pandoras box was opened. So many people screw up their lives and the lives of those they "love" through this. To easy to get wrapped up in fantasy that turns to reality.
That being said, unless his phone is a work phone and he is in a level of employment with high security protocols, then do this. Simply out of the blue walk up to him and ask him for his phone. If he hesitates, argues or tries to hide away with it, something is amiss. Any protest shod be met with the fact as his wife you want to see his phone and you want the access code. A spouse who is honest In their marriage shouldn't hesitate a second at this request!
Been married 38 years and neither my wife and I care if we look at or use each others phones or email. Heck.we.even read our texts from others to each other so both are in the loop.
There is no true privacy in a marriage. 2 people have chosen to devote a lifetime together out of love of each other. Hope you find the answers you need.

Thank you to all of you who weighed in. I have been physically and mentally eaten up by all of this and don't have the fortitude to try to gather more information. I did confront my husband last night, asked to see his phone and he refused. It told me all I need to know. I'm gutted but I know I will be getting a divorce as things have been bad for awhile, this is just more confirmation that we don't belong together. We are in a no-fault state so like others said, it doesn't matter because I do not want to stay. It's just annoying that he's trying to be all nice now--everything he should have been doing all along, and I expect that it will end quickly when I tell him I want a divorce and we have to go through all that.

"I have been physically and mentally eaten up by all of this"

That's why you need to move quickly. There isn't as much time in life as one would think and moments are precious. Get this awful thing behind you.

You're coming unglued at being turned down is good, sorry about the shame you felt... you should look at the event as an indicator of how much the relationship is hurting you.

Be firm now, you are no longer a couple and you are going separate ways. Where your H is in your life, schedule something else. Eat separately, sleep separately. There are qualities that he will miss in you and realizing that, he might change... when he feigns change, it's his phone, passwords and shared location, or sign the papers old man!

If he's so deep that he's turning you down, then I recommend focusing on your life only, keeping your eye on the bright future ahead of you. There is happiness there, you just need to get there.

If you do talk to him, be clear and use few words. Tell him your needs. Watch him to see if he cares. If he cares at all, there are books he needs to start reading. "Not Just Friends" etc.

I have been physically and mentally eaten up by all of this.

Since you're in a no-fault state, that's all the more explanation you owe him when you tell him you're filing for divorce. Let him figure out what "all of this" refers to. If he asks why...

things have been bad for awhile

That's all you need to say.

If he has indeed been having an affair, his state of mind is altered at the moment. Moving forward with the D quickly may provide motivation for him, and he may be less litigious. That is, he won't try to drag it out into a horrendous process.

Because you seem so settled on D, go consult with the three toughest D lawyers you can find. Then pick the best and move forward while he's still living in the La La Land of infidelity. (Consulting with them takes them out of the running to represent him.)

Sorry you're going through this. And strength and (((hugs))) to you. It does get better once the cheater is no longer cheating on you. Then, he's just another unfaithful jerk out there in the world, and no longer your problem.

Thank you again. These posts of support are bringing tears to my eyes. I can't even look at my H right now, and where we live is so small that I can't avoid him at home. He and I both work from home, but I have the option to go into my employer's office so I am doing that now so I don't have to look at him.

I am looking into divorce stuff today. As litigious as he is, I am not sure he will want to spend the money fighting me with a lawyer, so I am wondering if I could just ask him to leave so I can be at peace and tell him we can work out details of the divorce later. But I know I can't force him to leave.

I would not tip him off that you’re considering or pursuing divorce. This will allow you time to focus on your due legal diligence without interference from him. When you have all your ducks in a row, have him served. This will put him back on his heels, he’ll be at disadvantage and in the rear playing catch up for quite some time. This approach will get you off to the best start.

As far as asking him to leave, you can ask, but can’t demand without legal consideration and consultation with your attorney. Regardless of who’s on the deed, he has domicile rights. I would also be careful about you leaving the domicile. You didn’t indicate if you have children. I would consult an attorney about proper separation and the types of separation.

A divorce is a long methodical, stepped process that progresses by degrees. If somewhere along the line he pulls his head out and becomes the ideal candidate for reconciliation and you change your mind, you will have many opportunities to pause, halt and restart the process at will.

Cold service of D papers can be a very bracing dose of reality, and an admirable show of resolve that can effectively defibrillate someone out of their affair fog.

Thank you. We do not have children. I consulted with one lawyer today so at least I have some sense of what I need to do now. But I feel like a walking open wound. On top of all this I am legal guardian for a close relative who is seriously ill and might be passing very soon. I am staying in my employer's office for a long time tonight instead of going home so I can limit how long I am home with him. I will do the same thing tomorrow. So sad. I have been crying all day. When he called I refused to talk to him and his subsequent text to me today was enraging, "I am so sorry you are hurting. Last thing in the world I ever want." Not even close to a real apology. I don't want to hear it. I know what I need to do and put this behind me fast, I just am still in so much shock. I really really loved this man for a long time in spite of all the problems.

Thankfully I have a supportive therapist with whom I have a session tonight.

kaliom,

Know that you are being heard and supported by this awesome community.

"I am so sorry you are hurting. Last thing in the world I ever want." Not even close to a real apology. I don't want to hear it.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are doing great. You are seeing his non-apology where is takes no responsibility.

You are taking care of yourself by avoiding him and working from your employer's office.

You are valuing yourself by knowing that you deserve better than this and by taking action to take care of yourself with legal advice and with counseling.

I know this is gutting. I remember feeling absolutely hollowed out when I discovered that my husband was cheating. But you have reached out to people who really DO get it.

You deserve better. Keep taking care of yourself and protecting yourself.

We support you!

OMG. Just, thank you. Before this just happened, my life was already very isolated and sad, and really has been for the past few years. I'm so afraid my very beloved relative will die, and soon, and it's one of my only family of origin left. I don't know how I will handle this all, and I feel very afraid I will never feel joy again. I can't remember the last time I felt joyful. I am on anti-depressants already.

The one lawyer today was helpful. I took furious notes that made my head absolutely spin, i will have to read them over about a million times. I know I need to calm myself and gather all the information as he instructed no matter what before I start any divorce conversation. I have another one who I will consult with on Tuesday.

Iam so sorry you are going through this. I am glad you have a therapist. Right now, concentrate on you. While your husband may want to avoid a lawyer, to me that also says you could be exposed. Go ahead and get a lawyer. The best one in your area to make sure you are taken care of. Working from the office is a great opportunity for you.

You husband will try to win you back and then make you think it is your fault. Don't let him do that. If you have not had STD testing yet, I recommend you doing that. I know you mentioned he had declined your advances but no telling how long this has been going. Protect yourself.

There is a great amount of wisdom and support here. Keep tapping into it!

I stayed out last night as long as I possibly could while still getting home in time to get enough sleep to get up in the morning. I said very little to him when I got in but in bed, I let him hug me because I was just numb. I hated that it felt good but I turned around and went to sleep without another word. He texted me now suggesting something for us to do tomorrow for NY Eve that including "talk." I replied simply, "I don't think I can."

This is just awful that I have nowhere to go for New Years Eve tomorrow but to be home with him in our tiny place. I just wish I could go ANYWHERE but I literally have nowhere to go. If I could sleep in the office or my relative's assisted living facility I would. You know, I don't even pray. I actually just plead. "God help me." And goddamn him. I actually really like his family, and now I get to lose all of them too.

Can you ask him to go out on NYE so you can be alone? Only if you think it would help...

CuriousObserver, I might end up doing just that as I can see no other way out.

I guess you could tell him to spend the night with OW. I imagine that would surprise him!. Take care of yourself, honestly I know this is very heard.

@brkn_heartd

Thank you. I considered it more, and I am going to ask him to just be elsewhere tonight. I will spend the time assembling the rest of the data as the attorney advised and just trying to make peace with my central nervous system.

I was trying to do the 180 the past couple of days, which helped a ton, but I had some feelings this morning that I had to get out, and I texted them to him.

It won't change the outcome, as I know I am getting a divorce no matter what. Every Saturday, I visit my sick relative who is faring very poorly. It kills me to see them like this, but I can't imagine not going.

I hope my future looks up in 2023.

How did New Years go for you? Did he go somewhere and give you space? I have been thinking about you. I know it is also hard to have an ill family member on top of this.