Hippo 16... I don't have that Search option on my Members page. I am fairly new. Is that the reason, because I don't know how to get that option.
Ragab... You are now asking the right questions after 12 years. One Wayward member you might look up is, that is, if you have that Search option on your members page, is Mrs. Walloped. I hope this is okay by the rules here, so I will post a link to her thread. She posted this about 3 years after her husband found out about her months long affair.
About 3/4 of the way down Page 15 on her thread you will read her physical reaction to where it finally dawned on her the destruction she had caused to her husband. She ended up in the hospital with a severe anxiety attack. Her husband had posted his thread as sort of a journal and he is a great writer. She got this reaction after reading her husband's thread:
Until she read that thread she probably thought she was doing everything right for reconciliation and had no idea of what to do next... much like you posted. After reading his post is when she truly became Empathetic. She probably thought she was doing everything right except she had not truly understood how deeply she had hurt him. That is when she sort of "got it", so to speak.
Mrs. Walloped and her husband are sort of a legend here. She and her husband, Walloped, are examples of reconciliation.
However, she did post another thread on December 14, 2020, almost 6 years later into reconciliation.
You can see that Mr. Walloped was not happy and had lost his zest for life. Of course, he had just survived a severe case of COVID and almost died. She mentions that even before his illness he had, more or less, accepted his fate and felt that this was going to probably be as good as it gets. She said he was acting almost formal towards her. She seemed to be at a loss on how to help him and this was years later.
I really hope that their marriage is doing better since she posted that thread.
However, you are not in the same position as Mrs. Walloped. I know you want to do the right thing, as she did, and develop empathy, however you do not have the advantage of reading what was going on in his mind when he found out how deeply he had been betrayed. I wish you could actually read what he was thinking, like Mrs. Walloped did.
One book that should be on your reading list is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair", by Linda MacDonald. Besides reading and counseling I have no other suggestions.
I wish you all the best because I know your head is in the right place and I wish your husband all the best. Since I have been where he is, I understand what he might be feeling. I was betrayed almost 66 years ago by my ex-fiancé. Nowadays when I think about it I have no feeling one way or another. It is just something that happened years ago. I really wish he could end up in that head space today for both your sake.
I apologize to the moderators here if it is against the rules for posting links to other posts on SI. If it is, then please feel free to delete this entire post.
[This message edited by lrpprl at 3:33 PM, Monday, December 5th]