SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you to the few of you who called this what it is because I was reading this thread in horror up until Blue’s comment. OxfordComma, I’m really sorry for what has been done to you, your kids, and that poor kid by your wife. I’m not going to demonize a kid who has been abused, neglected, preyed upon and used. He’s going to have lifetime emotional scars from this. Who knows if he’ll ever be able to have healthy relationships with ANYONE in the future. Abused by his parents/family, them he meets your wife who preys on him because he’s vulnerable after being abused, takes on a mommy role and perverts it.

Sir, JMHO, the last freakin thing you need to be worried about is reconciliation and regret v remorse. You brought those five children into the world, time for you to protect them. I’m not going to sugar coat it when it comes to a predator, your wife is a degenerate, and a horrible mother. She modeled a relationship for your children where she became mommy and favored that young man only for it to turn out to be perverse. That has to be confusing for them. And children aren’t fools, they’ve noticed how your wife treats them. Adultery is already traumatic for children, add on that their mother is a child predator and they also may struggle with relationships in the future. And any blowback from the community & their peers once it comes out why your wife was so enamored with that man-child. Start looking for therapy for your kids.

Lawyer up. And investigate why she was let go from that school. I fear that young man wasn’t her first victim. I urge you to focus on protecting yourself legally and financially, as well as the welfare of your children, above and beyond anything else.

Sorry you are here.

Your situation is a particilar nasty one I may say.

Despite everything I don't hate her. I plan to offer the chance to reconcile on the condition that he leaves the house, she cuts off all contact, and we go to couples therapy, but I honestly don't feel confident she will choose that.

I cringed reading this part.

You already have got loads of helpful information and a set plan you described to put in place.

The only thing I fell in your speech is that you are not willing to let the marriage go no matter what.

To make it clear, Your WW did horrible things and disrespected you badly. She is not a singular case. Her behaviour neither. What she did is agravated by the fact that her OP is very young and she also should have religion as a guide for her as to "what not to do".

She did not care about you when she mistreated you. And she still IS and will be in looney land for a long time. Confrontation 99.9% of the time does NOT take WPs out of there. Do NOT doubt that for a moment. She WILL lie. She WILL try to love bomb you and say that she is "very, very sorry, that "she loves you" and that "she made a terrible mistake" (more like thousands of decisions she took - everyone of them that she could say NO to at any time). You have to understand that she will want to play you. She will be your "enemy" at the moment - as opposed to your wife as you used to see her.

I'll tell you this. You seem to want people to tell you what to do. But you should be the one realising the amount of disrespect that she inflicted upon you.That should get you going. ANGRY like a LION. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY you may get her to REALLY FELL you WILL NOT be disrespected that way EVER AGAIN. But you need to have it in YOU. Feel that in YOU.

If you don't do this - and rugsweep the affair you will more likely be threated this way again somewhere in the future.

R may be possible. But certainly not at the moment. Your WW must be willing to MOVE MOUNTAINS to address the horrible things she did to you. You should be willing to let her go so you may protect yourself.

If she gets her head out of her ass in the meantime (let it be the time it takes for you to get a better grip on what happened) and proves she is really remorseful then maybe, just maybe you two may get back together someday.

Please listen to what people say around here. Very wise and helpful information you have got here. Built upon years and years of infidelity contact and experience.

I do hope you really stand up for yourself and do not let her manipulate you. Your future HAPPINESS relies on that.

One way or another you will be ok.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 9:44 PM, Thursday, December 1st]

This was not an affair between 2 consenting adults; this woman took advantage of a vulnerable youth who was a victim of sexual violence, likely grooming him since he was underage, and played "mommy" to him while at the same time she was having sex with him. That is sick and depraved!

Quite frankly, I'm shocked that Aletheia and Hellfire are the only ones other than myself who are calling this out for what it is. I suspect that if the sexes were reversed, everyone would be howling at OP to take her kids and leave this predator as soon as possible.

OP, your wife made you an unwitting accomplice to her exploitation of this young man. You really need to come to terms--now!-- with the fact that she's a complete stranger to you and that you don't know what she's capable of. You should be doing absolutely everything you can to protect yourself and your children from her.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:54 PM, Thursday, December 1st]

She will deny deny deny deny!!

even with the texts, she might say it's just that silly texts and she might admit that went to far, but it never became physical.

Be prepaid for that lie.

Is those two going to be alone at your home at some point. in that case I would put some var's around the house or even some small spy cameras. If your wife has her own car put a var into her car.

[This message edited by sven at 11:18 PM, Thursday, December 1st]

Include me in the group of people who find this particularly heinous.

Trauma and abuse alters the brain and stunts maturity. Even if the sexual aspect of their relationship started when he was 18, he sure as hell was not 18 mentally. You saw it yourself. Insecure, following her around, overly needy. He did not act like a normal kid his age. The fact that she up played mothering him is what really bring this to the next level.

Good luck confronting her.

I think this young man is damaged. I agree 100% but that does not make this any less volatile. He appears to have moved into your family. There is a saying that your family is only as healthy as your sickest child. Since he has become, in essence, a child of yours and hers his sickness is now your family’s sickness. You need to protect your children which means the two of you need to decide how he’s going to move out and when and then watch your back. I’m going to repeat that. Watch your back. If she balks and says he’s not going anywhere then say the two of them are leaving because they’re not staying around your children anymore. Please have your attorney with you in your home with her and her parents. Please don’t do this by yourself. An attorney is worth his or her weight in gold in situations like this.

Please make sure your devices are secure. Many sync and what was presumed safe was actually open and available to others.

Any payments to attorneys for consultation need to be secure so she does not see the charge on online or a statement.

This is truly horrific. Please check in regularly. There is real concern for your well being.

Long time lurker on this site, first time posting anywhere. Many more experienced than me on the specifics and how tos.

I just want to send you a virtual hug and add a few thoughts as you’re going through this:

1. You are enough. You are strong enough to make it through this. You are a great Dad who has given a lot and you are a committed husband. You have kept your marital vows/covenants.

2. Your wife’s decisions are not your fault. She has chosen to break your marriage, not you. Divorce is a consequence of her actions not yours, even if you are the one that has to do the work to file. Do not be embarrassed for her actions. You can stand tall knowing you have been a committed husband and father.

3. Since you mentioned a lot of your faith and I can guess at denomination (which I may share with you) I’ll risk sharing a few thoughts relating to forgiveness/reconciliation.

As others stated, religious counselors often inappropriately push for reconciliation and forgiveness too quickly. They ‘rugsweep’ instead of doing what is needed for true healing for both parties. This is the equivalent of attempting to cover up an infected wound with a bandage. It will fester and will never heal. The wound has to be opened up and cleaned out for it to heal.

This is true within the framework of Christian forgiveness. The woman taken in adultery whom Christ does not condemn is often cited to encourage quick forgiveness. But keep in mind that she was at that point completely exposed. The hidden affair was hidden no more and she was truly remorseful and committed to ‘sin no more.’ Your wife isn’t there yet.

You seem tempted to offer reconciliation up front. Even if you feel a desire to forgive and reconcile, do not put a bandage on a festering wound. The only path for your wife going forward is to open up and clean out the wound. Reconciliation (if it happens at all) can only come after her repentance which cannot happen for her right now. Take it one step at a time. Divorce is a path to true forgiveness and reconciliation. It opens and exposes the wound so it can be cleaned. Don’t be afraid of it and don’t offer reconciliation too soon. You may find reconciliation is simply not possible. With an affair this heinous involving potentially predator of a minor and manipulation of religious beliefs in such a convoluted manner, I’m not sure reconciliation is possible. So don’t focus on that right now.

This is getting too long and for that I apologize, but I’d like to risk one more religious analogy which you can obviously choose to ignore.

In Exodus, God calls Moses to free his people from bondage. He tells Moses that he has heard their cries and knows their sorrow. Then he asks Moses to do some pretty hard things. Moses felt inadequate to do them. So, God gave him Aaron his brother as a support. Even with Aaron and the God of the universe in his corner, it took Moses a lot of work to save his people.

You are like Moses here. God’s asking you to save your family from this affair (I mean you and your kids mostly at this point) Right now the affair and your wife’s actions are a bondage that risks further damage to you and your kids. You need to get them out of Egypt so to speak. It’s going to be hard work. Find your Aaron who can support you. Remember God is in your corner. You are enough.

What IF this situation were reversed and the man of the house got involved with the young girl? People here would be saying to the BW to go to the police and report it and get the young girl out for help - somewhere else besides the home.

Am I wrong? Curious.

I’m so sorry and so outraged on your and your children’s behalf, OxfordComma. You’ve gotten a lot of good advise already, so I won’t belabor it.

I will say this: this is not a case where you can start thinking in the normal terms about managing your trauma and deciding how to proceed in your relationship with your wife. You have a sexual predator and a very sadly damaged young man living around your children, and that has to take priority here. You HAVE to protect your children first and get those two away from them immediately.

Your WS prioritized "parenting" of this young man over her own children, while also becoming sexually involved with him. The level of mental disorder here is staggering. I’m sorry, but you should not be thinking about reconciliation at this point. You are absolutely in urgent crisis management right now. Regrettably, this young man is not safe for your children to be around, but neither is your WS. At the very least, she is a grave emotional danger to your children. But at worst, they both represent an extreme emotional and physical danger to your kids.

There is no way of knowing the extent of the AP’s issues, so yes, you absolutely have to consider your safety, your children’s safety and the safety of everyone in your household. You don’t have the luxury of time to get control of that part of this horrific situation. It has to be done immediately.

You need to expose for everyone’s safety. No one who is ignorant can protect themselves.

You need to have legal and mental health support as quickly as possible. Like today.

Finally, I’m sorry, but even using the word reconciliation in this thread in light of the realities of this situation shows that you are not truly understanding what has happened. We all have to realize that our M is dead when we discover infidelity, but you, dear friend, have discovered infidelity AND that your wife is capable of extremely depraved and twisted predation on a young man who came to your home for PARENTAL support. Your wife has had sex with someone that she had calling her "mom." Your wife simultaneously mothers him and sleeps with him. Your wife has brought a potentially dangerous situation into your home. She has held this horribly unhealthy connection above her connection to her own children and her marriage and her respect for your lives, your family, your beliefs, even her own parents’ well-being.

This is NOT a situation where you should in any way be wondering about whether she’d be open to R. To even have that thought while you still don’t have any inkling of the extent of what has happened here and while you are so recently aware of the existence of this situation at all must be considered an extremely trauma-induced and unhealthy thought process.

Please put that out of your mind right now and focus on removing your kids and yourself from danger. You may very likely be their ONLY stable parent for the foreseeable future. You HAVE to focus on your own well-being on all fronts so that you can be there for them and support them through what you must realize is going to be a traumatizing experience for them like few others. There is no avoiding this now that your wife has chosen this path.

As a final note, it is quite possible that your wife has committed illegal acts here. She has certainly committed heinous and immoral acts. You really need to consider carefully and distance yourself clearly from her actions. Do this to protect yourself and your family from the fallout that lies ahead.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. None of us asks for this or deserves it, but we have no choice to be paralyzed when children are involved.

I wish you strength and clarity, OxfordComma. This is a great place to come for support.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 12:36 AM, Friday, December 2nd]

Am I wrong?

Not even a little bit.

Keep the eye on the ball, while the AP may have legally been a victim of your WW (we just don't know that for sure yet), and certainly ethically, well that's on her not you, your #1 job right now should be to protect yourself and your children both financially and physically, everything else is way down the priorities list.

Jeaniegirl...absolutely right. If it was an adult male, I'm pretty sure the police would be involved. Both cases abhorrent.

A number of posters in the second page called out the horror of this situation.

The kids are going to be devastated. They are upset in a regular D but hopefully people can heal. In this case, imagine finding out your mother is sleeping with a young guy you look upon as a brother.

Boy is this woman just lost (putting it nicely). I think this could be one where there is no hope for R.

I don’t know the laws in your state but there’s for certain a bias against men in divorce court when it comes to child custody, child support and alimony. I think you should picture yourself living in a studio apartment driving a 1982 Buick skylark eating ramen noodles with limited visitation rights to your kids and a restraining order on your ass while she and AP reside in your house with full custodial rights to your children. Got the image? Now proceed forward with the caution you need to prevent this from becoming a reality. I’m very sorry you’re here.

Yes, there is a safety and security issue at large that takes precedence over everything else. I wanted to second Cooley2here and others safety concerns mentioned.

The first impression I got after reading your well penned opener was that your WW is deep in. Deep in "The Fog", deep "In-love", whatever, she’s deep in it for sure and she ain’t breaking free of it without serious drama. And the AP, he’s deep in it too. To what emotional degree? I can’t even fathom (Mother & Lover). I don’t want to get Freudian Oedipus, but you can imagine the risks. Then throw in his traumatic FOO issues.

Just saying, watch your back.

Also, that other student that was living with you, she might have more insight on the evolution of the affair.

Take Care

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:09 AM, Friday, December 2nd]

I am gobsmacked by the degree of deception and betrayal that you have endured. My heart truly goes out to you. It is my humble opinion that that this beyond redemption. This hurt is far too deep-seated and you should cut your losses and break free. Let her have this young man...(the honeymoon phase will soon wear off when reality sets in) She has shown zero level of compassion for you during this period of deception which is likely because you are the barrier between her freedom to enjoy this young man. You have been used as the security blanket and a door-mat) Get back your self respect... she has emasculated you for too long!
Ask her to leave and expose it all!

Something else I wanted to mention,

Many posters have advised you to, "Kick her out". Regardless of property ownership, she may have some form of legal rights to the domicile. Usually, you can’t just kick your wife to the curb who’s been residing under your roof for decades, possibly even contributing to the mortgage and maintenance of the home, unless she’s been deemed a threat to you or other occupants. Ironically, you could be removed from the premises if she and the AP plot a false DV or abuse charge against you. You can ASK her to leave, but I would also be careful with that and follow attorney advice.

So, I’d avoid any rash cowboy moves that may get you into bigger trouble. Consult that attorney and follow their instructions. Carry a VAR on you. Confront her only with allied support witnesses. Security cams in your home are also a good idea.

If the AP has keys to your home, I’d change the locks. If the AP has belongings in your home, arrange for supervised collection of his stuff (Attorney, Sheriff).

Other posters also advised to confront your WS and the AP together. I would not advise this. I would especially not attempt this without allied support witnesses. This would provide an obvious power mismatch in their favor. I would make all your moves while the AP is still out of the premises on his mission.

Like many of the other posters mentioned, when you confront, there should be little dialogue. You are presenting her with the facts as you know them. You are reminding her of your marital and boundary expectations. I recommend following a template proposed by "Bigger" a long time poster here. Also, get into the "Tactical Primer" pinned to the top of this sub for other good tactical advice.

Take care.

I don't know if it's been mentioned, but never reveal your sources. When you confront,she's going to want to know where you are getting your info from,so she can figure out exactly what you know,and how much to admit.

Simply tell her you KNOW she is having an affair with this kid. She will ask how you know. Just say you know. She will get angry. Possibly threaten you to tell her. Don't tell her. Not only because she will know how much to admit, but she will change her passwords,and then you won't see what she says to him when she tells him you know.

Talk to an attorney before you confront or do anything. Specifically, you need to explain how this relationship started and what the potential ramifications might be if it started when he was a minor. For example, if the statute of limitations hasn't passed, could OM (or someone else who knew about this at the school) report this to the police and have your wife charged? In most jurisdictions, sex between teachers and students in a K-12 setting still counts as sexual assault, even if the student is 18 or above the age of consent.

You'll also need to ask your attorney if it's even possible for you to simply kick the young man out. If your home has been his established legal residence for years, you might have to go through the process of formally evicting him.

As others have said, you need to be extremely careful here. As cathartic as it might seem to have a dramatic Law & Order-style confrontation scene, you need to keep in mind how dangerous and unpredictable your situation is. Your wife is a twisted, perverse, and manipulative person who is capable of anything. OM has been sexually abused by both his family of origin and your wife, to whom he is now emotionally and financially dependent; consequently, he's an emotionally unstable bomb that can go off at any moment.

You need to protect yourself and 5 minor children; you cannot afford any missteps.