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Affair partner thinks she is a victim

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 Emptyglass (original poster new member #80295) posted at 8:10 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Affair partner contacted me after affair discovery to give overview of basic detail. I was polite and held back lashing out as I was eager to hear whatever information she had that could help me digest my new reality. One of the things that was most shocking to me was she believes she is a victim. She had an affair for years with a married man knowing he was married with a family. She didn’t mind him always coming home to his wife and family. She was ok with sharing him so to speak. She encouraged his behaviour and simply allowed it. There was no promise of ever leaving me or his family. How delusional does one have to be to accept this from an intimate partner? How delusional is someone who believes they are a victim for having relations with a married partner? How does one sleep at night who does this? I can’t wrap my head around it. And of course I know my spouse is at fault and very damaged to do what he’s done. I just don’t understand how the third person in the relationship (affair partner) can be so damaged to accept this kind of relationship. It gives permission for shitty destructive behaviour.

posts: 25   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022
id 8766488
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Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 8:25 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

This is what I say when the AP thinks that they are the victim

posts: 5266   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a place that hurts
id 8766490
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 Emptyglass (original poster new member #80295) posted at 8:56 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Dorothy- too right! Even after discovery and reality setting in she thinks she is the victim??? Unbelievable… they walk among us

posts: 25   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022
id 8766494
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:04 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Typical entitled cheater.

posts: 4852   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8766499
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Doesitstop11 ( member #49432) posted at 9:10 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

AP in my situation had the audacity to tell me "he lied to both of us!" No...he lied to me and his children. She knew we existed and knew what she was doing. Still haven't gotten over it...7 years after D-day.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2015
id 8766500
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 9:41 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

After a lot of research, counselling and reflecting on my own pain/experiences I’ve began to realise that cheaters who are not remorseful (both WS and AP) often are very selfish, it’s all about them! They have narcissistic traits so it’s all me, me,me!!!!! Always the victim and unwilling to take responsibility for their terrible behaviour!

posts: 179   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8766507
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hurtbs ( member #10866) posted at 10:02 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Can an AP be a victim in an affair? Absolutely. There are two times I think an AP is a victim (assuming all sex is consensual of course): The AP didn't know they were an AP (WS lies about being married or with someone else) or AP is very young an manipulated by an older, more powerful person. However, even in this case, they're NEVER the victim of the BS.

I've met a few AP's who thought they were victims. With xWH, I got an email from xOW entitled "congratulations, you won" where she filled out lots of details of the affair and told me that I had no right to interfere in her relationship with my husband. It was fucking crazy.


Of course, it would be hard to enter a relationship knowing you're hurting other people so...

Me - 40 something.
WXH DDay 2006, tried to R. Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022
Single

posts: 15711   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   ·   location: So Cal
id 8766510
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 11:09 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Imagine the mental gymnastics that the OW must have to do in order to see themselves as the "good guy" while they knowingly interfere and insert themselves into someone else's marriage. Obviously their grip on reality isn't great. The audacity though... now that is strong.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 1026   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8766515
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nutmegkitty ( member #33882) posted at 11:30 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Unfortunately there are many forums filled with APs who think they are victims. It's nauseating.

Me - happy!
2 DDs

Very happily divorced from an NPD since 2013.

posts: 4401   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2011   ·   location: MA
id 8766518
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:34 AM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

AP victims?

The cheater tells lies - we are separated or we are Divorcing so the AP believes the marriage is over.

However believing that for years? Sorry but that is one stupid AP.

APs are not victims except under certain circumstances. Period.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12792   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766526
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JSS1227 ( member #70150) posted at 2:22 AM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Imagine the mental gymnastics that the OW must have to do in order to see themselves as the "good guy" while they knowingly interfere and insert themselves into someone else's marriage. Obviously their grip on reality isn't great. The audacity though... now that is strong.

Yes, exactly this. MOW in my situation played the victim card to OBS, as well as a mutual friend of ours…she was the poor innocent victim of my WH, then later the poor innocent victim of me, when I outed her to OBS (he had discovered the A about a month before me, didn’t tell me, was lied to and told "it was only once" , thought the A ended and that they were reconciling, then was shocked to hear from me a month later on my DDay when I told him I discovered it had been going on for months, and it was about 10 times, including in both of our homes, not the "once" in a vehicle that his WW claimed on his DDay)

It is still shocking to me that these people think they are the victims of anything other than their own poor character and choices. How they don’t see that they are the perpetrators of the destruction of other people’s lives amazes me.

Me:BS Him: WS; early 40s;D-day Dec 2018
2 month EA/PA with MOW

posts: 108   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2019
id 8766534
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 9:27 AM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

They’re all like that. Or the majority of them. I had the same. I was even asked by the AP to think of her kids and not report her affair with my husband to HR as it will affect them if she gets sacked. My kids didn’t seem to matter whilst she was participating in wrecking their family but somehow hers were more special.

It’s mind blowing, somehow they believe they have a victim story to tell even though they made those choices knowing full well (in most cases) what they were getting themselves into. And they are looking for empathy from the ACTUAL victim who had no choice it this story. I think Ow would have cried on my shoulder if I would have allowed her to. Delusional does not fully describe these people…

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1597   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8766550
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smitty82 ( new member #80920) posted at 12:22 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

She had an affair for years with a married man knowing he was married with a family. She didn’t mind him always coming home to his wife and family. She was ok with sharing him so to speak. She encouraged his behaviour and simply allowed it. There was no promise of ever leaving me or his family. How delusional does one have to be to accept this from an intimate partner? How delusional is someone who believes they are a victim for having relations with a married partner?

I could not agree more!! The OW in my case seemed to think that asking him to take off his wedding ring made it OK. I can't decide if it would be a nice place to be, living in their world of no (or no concept of) morals or accountability.

I have never had any contact with her but (of course) have been looking at her on social media. She was posting memes about how she wishes she could find a 'good man' and various other things about how hard done by she is. The temptation to comment about how choosing someone to get involved with that isn't married with four kids might be good place to start was immense.

I think that they totally believe that what they are doing is fine so it follows that they are hard done by when it all comes tumbling down. If they could step into or shoes for a while and feel the total destruction that they played a part in then maybe they might think again.....

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8766557
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 Emptyglass (original poster new member #80295) posted at 2:46 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Thanks to all that weighed in. It is helpful to hear that there are others out there that have similar stories and I’m sorry you had that experience.

It’s very difficult to comprehend how anyone could think getting involved with a married partner would be a good idea. I guess I’m cut from a different cloth and proud of it. And yes it is the fault of the married partner who strayed 100 percent… but if they are encouraged to cheat by the affair partner and their behaviour is accepted they are not any better. They are giving permission for destructive behaviour. How is someone ok with having relations with someone and then them running home to their wife and family? Pathetic really if you really think about it..

posts: 25   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022
id 8766577
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Emotionalhell ( member #39902) posted at 3:03 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

What the affair partner fails to realize is that they knew the reality of the situation they were in. The betrayed spouse doesn’t know the true situation, that their spouse is cheating and possibly exposing them to disease.

I agree with the others it’s selfish it’s all about them. I have also read that affair is like a drug. It messes with the mind

If I was an affair partner I would wonder? If he is cheating on his wife with me who else is he cheating with.

Me BS x2. 50Divorced WH #1Currently in limbo (with wayward #2)Dday #1 Oct. 2014Dday # 2 August 2018

posts: 1744   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2013
id 8766580
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 5:56 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

And yes it is the fault of the married partner who strayed 100 percent… but if they are encouraged to cheat by the affair partner and their behaviour is accepted they are not any better.

Agreed. I can be plenty mad at my husband for what he did and still have plenty left for his AP. It also find it is easier to stay mad at the AP while working on forgiveness with your spouse. My spouse is at home apologizing, owning it, and doing the work, whereas the AP has never uttered so much as an apology.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 1026   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8766713
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