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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Reconciliation :
Unusual triggers around this time of year

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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 3:14 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

The devil really is trying to screw with my head right now!! I normally don't have triggers around the holidays anymore...but these last few days have brought up memories from 8 years ago that have me...well...triggered look .

The World Cup is playing now. They were playing 8 years ago...during the time my H was having his A. The United States had gotten out of contention...but the Netherlands was still going strong...so my H and I were rooting for that team since he was over there. After Dday I found that he and the adultery co-conspirator were talking about it too...just like others in that country.

Then there was recently the conviction of 3 people for murder in the downing of MH17 back in 2014...on the same day that my H flew out of the Netherlands. I froze when I saw the date come on the TV screen. It was something that I wasn't expecting to see...and it took me back to that day...when I was so worried about my H's flight.

I know that these triggers aren't anything happening NOW...but lizard brain doesn't care about WHEN...it just cares about the experience duh . I'm doing well...especially since we all have electricity and other things that we didn't have last year after Ida. I have been really excited to get back to having a NORMAL holiday season after these last 2 years of NOT normal!!! It is just seeing these things happening...when they usually aren't in this time frame...it makes me feel like something evil is trying to steal my peace.

I pray for all of us having to go through times like these. The "firsts" are always hard (((HUGS))). Then there are those who have had Ddays around the holidays...which only adds another layer to this heaping pile we have all been dumped in. Life does go on...and it CAN be a happy time again smile . I have the tools to combat this...and I am far enough removed to be able to have peace as well. But even this far out...some things just come up to remind me of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day when the world as I knew it...ended sad .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6324   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8766449
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 3:59 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Those unexpected triggers. My WW left a bar in Addison with a stranger 6/30/2019.

Addison is a small town just north of Dallas and has a lot of bars and restaurants. Anytime I hear Addison it triggers me. Addison has an airport and there was terrible crash there, it killed 10 people. 2 years later on 6/30/2021 the news reported that 10 lives were lost in Addison on 6/30/2019. It triggered the hell out of me, that’s a terrible place and time for those families. I had no idea it was the same day. That date still brings sadness knowing all the loss that happened.

I’m sorry to those that had their holidays ruined by infidelity. My holiday is the 4th of July because the next weekend she lied to me and spent it with AP.

For the record I own Addison and the 4th of July now.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2007   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8766462
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Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 4:35 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

The World Cup is playing now. They were playing 8 years ago...during the time my H was having his A. The United States had gotten out of contention...but the Netherlands was still going strong...so my H and I were rooting for that team since he was over there. After Dday I found that he and the adultery co-conspirator were talking about it too...just like others in that country.

UEFA Euro was playing during his betrayal. He watched one of the games with the OW (and another female cow). Back then he lied to me, said he’s gonna watch the game in a local bar. He took a photo of her that day. After DDay I asked about the photo, and he admitted he was watching the game with her. He also said there was a bunch of other coworkers. And that he took a photo to send to another coworker who couldn’t join them. He made it sound very insignificant. There have been a few championships since then (Euro and World). I watched them all and cheered for our national team, no triggers at all. Only this year I found out at that time he has already developed feelings for her and was thinking about cheating. I now look at that instance differently, and I’m quite triggered by the ongoing World Cup. In a way, it is my "first", so I gave myself permission to just ignore it. I hope our national team won’t make it to the knockout phase, so I won’t have to deal with the fuss for too long.

In the meantime, I went into full Christmas mode, started to decorate and all. I’m gonna focus on that and make it the best Christmas ever.

Take care, Want2BHappyAgain, (((hugs)))!

posts: 134   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8766468
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AlexE ( new member #82438) posted at 8:46 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Are there any tips for dealing with triggers or where you go down the rollercoaster of emotions?
Its been only 7 weeks for me and I'm scared of living the rest of my life with it.
I revert to thinking about my children, even the good times my wife and I had. Doesn't seem like there is a magic cure, but I hope to somehow have it under control.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8766493
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 10:12 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Tanner...I am so glad to see you own those triggers Cuz smile . When they just show up unexpectedly...it can sure throw me for a loop duh . July 4th is a trigger holiday for me too...but this upcoming holiday season will hopefully be a much better one than these last two years have been!!

Hannah47...my H claimed he was watching the World Cup with coworkers at a bar as well. There were certain times when we would be on the phone while watching it together though. He stated that he and the adultery co-conspirator didn't watch the World Cup together...they just talked about it. From the timeline I had...it didn't look like there was a time that they could have watched it together...but who knows. I am very thankful for time stamped receipts that helped me develop a pretty accurate timeline though.

I surely understand about this being your "first". This will be my "second"...but with it being 8 years now...I am not feeling as triggered. It is just very weird with it being this time of year!

I'm with you on the Christmas mode part grin !! I have a grandchild who is now old enough to help me decorate...and I am so looking forward to doing that with them!!! Especially since my other grandchildren have outgrown this ritual laugh !!! Thank you for your kind words and virtual hug Dear Lady...it is very much appreciated grin !!

AlexE...facing the triggers head on...working through them...that was what worked for ME smile . My H had his A while working overseas...so there weren't any places here that triggered me. Mostly it was dates...anything Holland or Dutch...things they did together...etc.

For instance...over here there are water dispensers called Watermill Express. They are in the shape of windmills. It used to be a HUGE trigger for me sad . I would deliberately go to where these dispensers were...and just face them down...feeling the emotions...and telling myself that I REFUSED to allow this to cause me anxiety!! It was like I desensitized myself from the trigger anxiety and all the yucky stuff that came with it. I made it a point to OWN every trigger I could grin !! Once I OWNED a trigger...it made it easier and easier for me to OWN more!

When you wrote about thinking about your children...that is a GOOD idea smile . Turning negative thoughts away and replacing them with positive ones...that helped me so much!!! You might want to research "limbic lag" or "lizard brain". This really helped me to understand how our limbic system works instinctively to protect us from the negative experiences with our fight, flight, or freeze responses. I also learned that I couldn't calm my "lizard brain" by logic. It can ONLY work from experience. Learning that...I made sure I had more calming experiences to combat the anxiety that came up from these triggers. Unfortunately...some of the time these triggers come up unexpectedly...and the anxiety sneaks up at times sad .

I just had another experience that was aggravating!! I was getting my entertainment center ready to decorate for Christmas...and came across a jug that had the national beer for the Netherlands look . I KNOW we talked about this jug...and I am confident that this jug was not in any way associated with the adultery co-conspirator. But it still gave me a jolt when I saw it sad . I brought it to my H...to let him know about it. He apologized...then suggested we throw it away. I didn't want to do that...because it is a cool jug...but...it triggered me!!! So...I sat down in my recliner...with the jug by my side laugh . I stayed there until I got calm...smiled...then got up and threw it in the trash grin . I will never have to be surprised by that trigger again grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6324   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8766511
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AlexE ( new member #82438) posted at 4:00 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Thanks for your response. It will be an uphill battle, our birthdays and anniversary happened during the time of the Affair.
Starting to prepare now, 8 months in advance. It will be difficult for my wife as well as she can barely function now and is consumed by self hate and guilt. She won't allow herself to be happy and had suicidal thoughts.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8766585
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:34 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

We almost always travel East for Thanksgiving to be with family. It was on that trip 12 years ago that I realized that something was drastically wrong with my W, and I started to get very angry - 3 weeks and a day after we got back was d-day.

During the trip, Taylor Swift's damned 'You Belong With Me' song was EVERYWHERE on the damned radio. I kept switching stations during the song, only to have appear on the new station in 10 minutes. I didn't know she was in an A, because I had asked earlier, but I did know she was not with me.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:35 PM, Thursday, November 24th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27878   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8766602
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:19 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

Those unexpected triggers are a bitch! The expected ones are bad enough. But when you are so far out and they come out of nowhere and blindside you - that's a pain like no other. And Lizard Brain doesn't care.

Good for you for having the ability to recognize it for what it is and knowing when to grab your toolbox. Good for you for having a full tool box. Good for you for knowing how to use the tools within. That's huge. And for a long time something I didn't have. And worse - something I eventually knew I needed and was too damn stubborn to do it. I seriously resented to have to have such tools, know how and when to use them and build my own pink sparkly toolbox to put them in.

But look at you badassing your way though and unexpected trigger AND taking the time to share it in order to help others.

That's helpful and beautiful and quite fitting for this season of giving thanks.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3575   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8766693
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 10:40 PM on Tuesday, November 29th, 2022

sisoon...I remember that song (((HUGS))). I LOVE country music...but so many of those songs can be triggery. My H started listening to contemporary Christian music after Dday. I liked what he was listening too...and now that is the only music we listen to smile . MUCH less triggery and much more positive...WIN-WIN grin .

I seriously resented to have to have such tools

ME TOO!!! At first I REFUSED to do anything. My H caused this...so my H was going to get me OUT of this infidelity hell he put me in!! That didn't help me to heal though...so I reluctantly got started on the tools I needed. It was for the BEST...but it sure didn't feel like it at first!!

Thank you for your sweet words Chaos...it really means a lot smile .

The USA won over Iran today in the World Cup...so they get to play again on Saturday. Guess who? The Netherlands. Guess where my H had his A? The Netherlands. I swear y'all...that damned devil thinks he is going to win this battle. Against ME...he could. But he doesn't stand a chance against God smile . Thank God that I can LAUGH at this irony laugh !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6324   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8767261
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OldBeachOwl ( new member #81048) posted at 12:11 AM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2022

My fWW used to like to watch MASH reruns on a local TV channel, but with the prevalence of cheating story lines involving damned doctors with nurses, or just slobbering lustfully over nurses, and my RN wife having had an affair with a doctor, she has kindly decided this is just a horrible trigger for me and we watch the news or listen to music...but even there I find myself wanting to put my foot through the speaker if I hear country songs like Behind Closed doors, On the other hand, or Help me through the night. Popular culture so deeply enshrined cheating as a natural positive thing with no mention of the terrible path of destruction it leaves in its wake.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2022   ·   location: Tucson
id 8767275
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