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When Flirting Goes Too Far

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 FeelingConcerned2022 (original poster new member #82432) posted at 2:25 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

I really don’t know where to begin so I’ll start with the basics. My husband of 18 years and I went out with another couple over the weekend. We are all very good friends. Everyone came back to my house and we had some drinks. My husband became pretty intoxicated and I overheard him saying some things to my friend that truly bothered me. Her husband did not hear otherwise I think he would’ve been angry as well. My friend never seemed mad but she did become uncomfortable and at that point opted to leave. Before that occurred I did try to fly down my husband and let him know that he was crossing some lines but he definitely did not see me or recognize the social cues that were being given.
After they left I confronted my husband about what he had said to her. He spoke about sex, how he’s always had a crush on her, how they married the wrong people. It killed me to hear him. What made it worse is that as I brought it up, he had the audacity to get mad at me. To yell and tell me that after almost 20 years of being together he’d never act on anything like that. We argued most of the night. The next day he woke up and asked why we were arguing because he couldn’t remember anything except the fact we argued after our friends left. I told him everything he said and what happened and he broke down in tears. I’m concerned because what if it wasn’t one of my friends that he did this with. Or if I wasn’t there and it was just some woman who took him up on all that he was offering. I’m sick about it. He’s never made me question him before but I feel like I have to now. I don’t know if he was saying all of those things to her because he was drunk or was it the truth coming out due to the lack of a filter while intoxicated. I want to talk to him about it but he keeps shutting down. I know he’s ashamed but I’m hurt and I need to know where all of that came from. Of course "not remembering " is playing a big factor. Is that a lie to avoid having to have this discussion? I don’t know what to do.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2022
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 2:41 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

Welcome FeelinConcerned.

Does your husband normally get so drunk that he can't remember things?

Sounds like drinking is a problem.

His behavior was very disrespectful to you and your friends. I would not be surprised if this wasn't the first time he has done something like that.

Too bad for him that he is embarrassed and doesn't want to talk about it. Behaving badly has consequences. He needs to face what he did. He needs to figure out how to attempt to fix this and not pretend it didn't happen. He owes your friends an apology. He needs to be willing to openly discuss this with you.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3001   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8766146
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:57 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

That is pretty much my story in a nutshell. We were part of a group of couples who were friends and saw each other often. One day one of the women came to me and said my husband was making suggestive remarks to another woman and she overheard it. The other woman never told me. I was caught because I was young and a stay at home mom and no way to financially support myself and my children. He has done this several times over the years plus cheated when he was traveling. At some point he grew up but it has never let me completely trust him again. I don’t know what to tell you except that you need to let your friend know that it’s not her you’re angry with it is him.

If she tells her husband that’s the end of that friendship.

Your husband is stonewalling you and that’s so not acceptable. I’m afraid he may be guilty of this other situations.

Men do look at women, attractive women, in a sexual way but they don’t act on it if they’re decent people. Evidently alcohol stopped your husband‘s ability to behave himself so he opened up about some fantasies he has. I don’t know what to tell you to do because this is a sticky situation.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3604   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8766150
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CometGirl ( member #56179) posted at 3:20 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

He needs to talk to the friend/couple to iron this out and apologize. He crossed a line and probably damaged this friendship. Then he needs to dig deep about his feelings towards her. Where was her husband when he saying such inappropriate things to his wife?

posts: 98   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2016
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:43 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

how they married the wrong people

This part would concern me a lot. My XWH said something similar a long time ago. He used it as an excuse to justify all of his crappy behavior, including his A.

What is your H going to do to fix this thought? He didn't marry the wrong person, he's more than likely stopped working on your M and investing his emotions with you.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1490   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8766154
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 FeelingConcerned2022 (original poster new member #82432) posted at 3:45 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

My friend knows I’m not angry with her and her husband didn’t hear a word so, as of now, all is well with him. My husband typically doesn’t drink that much or get to the point that he forgets things. This is very out of character. I’ve never questioned him about any of his intentions before this, I’ve never had any reason to. This is a new experience for us both. He feels guilty but I can’t get any answers from him since he remembers nothing. I feel so hurt and betrayed by the man who’s only ever made me feel cherished and loved.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2022
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:08 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

The fantasy part is being human but the idea that he feels he married the wrong woman is troubling. And I think he remembers what he said and is lying.

I read about a relationship from the man’s perspective. When his wife’s friend moved to town he fell for her and finally talked her into an affair. He was going to leave his wife but the OW broke things off, his wife divorced him and there he was…..single.

And his wife and gf no longer speak. That is what being stupid gets you.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3604   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8766160
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:35 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

I’m sorry you are going through this. Drunk or not he acted inappropriately, he is fishing for a positive response, but if I he response is negative, hey I was drunk, didn’t mean it. This is the top of the slippery slope.

He needs to discuss this with you, he has hurt you. He not only made a sexual comments he complained about his marriage. He needs to grow up and work through this with you.

You should start looking at bank, credit card and phone records, there could be more to this. So sorry for you.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2007   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8766161
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:43 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

I am so sorry you are here. This feels like more than flirting. I agree with Tanner you should just double check things…. And have a serious conversation about his drinking. Also ask you friend to tell you if he has ever behaved like this before or if he does it again.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5101   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8766162
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 5:24 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

1) sometimes drunk people don't remember, sometimes it is an excuse.

2)#1 may not matter because you heard him. He may not remember but he has the exact comments so he still can tell the truth about his internal thinking. Fantasies? Simply attracted to her? Dissatisfied with the marriage? What specifically? For how long? Why has he never mentioned it before?

He still has to answer these questions regardless of memory. People do dumb things with lowered boundaries when drunk. However, statements such as his seem to be coming from an existing place and not just the alcohol.

3) it is possible that there is more going on. You would not be the first person to have experienced a double betrayal. I am not saying it is happening, but it could be. Investigate all tech communication on his hone and pc and credit card spending too.

How did your friend react, in detail, that night? The next day?

posts: 697   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8766168
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 FeelingConcerned2022 (original poster new member #82432) posted at 5:40 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

My friend doesn’t realize how much I overheard. At first she just laughed it off and joked with him. Once it got a certain point she went to her husband and said she was tired and ready to go. Everyone was smiling and laughing as they left. Even commenting on getting together again soon. I think she’s just throwing it to my husband being drunk and not reading too deep into any of it.

I do feel like I need to ask if he’s ever done that to her (or any of my other friends) before.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2022
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 6:26 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

I do feel like I need to ask if he’s ever done that to her (or any of my other friends) before.

I think you need to check with your friend first and maybe later with him. If she is your friend at the closeness you believe she is, then she should be honest with you if he has ever crossed a line with her like that. But she is just one of many possible women that he could've done this with. I know that may not make you feel any better, but I just need to put that out there.

Tell us a bit more about your husband, what does he do for work? Does he travel for work? Spend a lot of time outside of the home? Does he have a public facing job where he interacts with the public and potential targets? One of the things that is stuck in my head is that despite his inebriation, your husband felt a level of comfort talking to one of your close friends about his interest in her. He didn't just work up to that level of confidence, it screams to me that the has had practice.

About asking him, If he has done this before he is not going to come out and admit it, especially if he has had events in the past where he drinks excessively, to the point where his memory is unreliable. I don't know anymore about your husband than what you've shared here, and frankly none of us know him. However, to say that there are some red flags with his behavior in this one instance is certainly fair. What does your gut say? Have you had interactions with him in the past that maybe suggest this? Like maybe he was a little too friendly with a cute waitress, bartender, cashier, etc. when you have been out with him the past, and you just chalked it up to "Mr. Feeling Concerned being himself" and letting it roll off your back. I'm accusing your husband of any cheating, but he certainly may have loose boundaries.

If there was a way that we here on SI could counsel folks on potential infidelity, that would be the best scenario for us all. A lot of the things that we would recommend are still applicable, but they could actually help some potential waywards from becoming actual waywards. "Not Just Friends" is a great book that in retrospect my wife and I should've read much earlier in our marriage. It helped me see some of the tendencies in myself that lead to me crossing boundaries and not even realizing it. Not saying that it is going to solve your problems, but if anything, we can help you and your husband in that regard, that would be great.

[This message edited by Bor9455 at 6:29 PM, Monday, November 21st]

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 268   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8766173
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 FeelingConcerned2022 (original poster new member #82432) posted at 6:51 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

He works in gas and oil with pretty much all men. He’s home every night. We have some couple friends but I’m usually the one who had a night out with my girls. And that’s far and few between. It’s normally just the 2 of us on date night or nights at home with our kids. We’ve both always been open with each other if we thought someone else was attractive…this includes celebrities and people that we’ve never even met. Example "Let’s watch Thor tonight" wink and then we’d both laugh. I’ve never seen or heard him be that extreme with or about anyone other than me.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2022
id 8766174
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:01 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

He was 100% fishing for an affair and got caught.

1) Flirting
2) Complaining about spouse
3) Admitting a crush
4) Saying "We married the wrong people"

It's unlikely this was his first time cheating or trying to cheat.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2173   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8766176
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LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 7:48 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

As a former drinker, as in most everyone that knew me expected me to die of alcohol poisoning, the first thing I would do was call everyone I was with the previous night and apologize, even without knowing if I did or didnt do anything stupid, knowing full well what I was like as a drunk. Not an evil drunk but I did push some peoples boundaries, they would would usually clue me in on the things I said, and while some of what I was told were things I wouldn't say out loud sober, nothing I ever heard that came from me, was a lie.

For me, at least, drinking just took the verbal brakes off. Maybe your husband was just spouting off, but most drinkers I've known were just like me.

If he remembered you were fighting, he very likely remembers why or some of why.

[This message edited by LegsWideShut at 7:56 PM, Monday, November 21st]

posts: 90   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8766180
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 FeelingConcerned2022 (original poster new member #82432) posted at 8:37 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

I’ve definitely heard that the truth comes out when drinking. We both have a lot to process and discuss. I’m just hoping for full transparency.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2022
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 9:22 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

I don't think drinking is exactly a truth detector process in all circumstances People also do and say a lot of dumb stuff they otherwise would not when drunk. But it's worth exploring more with your H where that came from.

The fzft that your friend laughed it off.... was that being polite or was it just clear to her your husband meant none of it?

posts: 697   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8766187
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

He works in gas and oil with pretty much all men. He’s home every night. We have some couple friends but I’m usually the one who had a night out with my girls. And that’s far and few between. It’s normally just the 2 of us on date night or nights at home with our kids. We’ve both always been open with each other if we thought someone else was attractive…this includes celebrities and people that we’ve never even met. Example "Let’s watch Thor tonight" wink and then we’d both laugh. I’ve never seen or heard him be that extreme with or about anyone other than me.

I see, thanks for sharing. Doesn't sound like he has a hobby or something he is regularly away from home. For example, my "away from home" outside of work is the gym.

I know the old joke about drinking being liquid courage, but the more I thought about it, your husband worked his way up to your friend. It just feels like, the way you described it, as if he has had a similar conversation with others in the past, perhaps a more anonymous woman. Just think about it for a second, if your husband traveled for business and starts chatting it up with a woman he runs into at the bar in his hotel, he is very unlikely to ever see her, and he is also almost equally as likely to run into anyone from your neck of the woods that would know you. (Although, I've been proven wrong, I ran into a high school classmate I hadn't seen in 20 years in a small bedroom community in the middle of the Netherlands here a few years ago). So he starts with this random woman, which is a low risk, she shoots him down and it isn't a big deal, but again it is a low risk. The stakes of saying this stuff to your friend who you guys are friends with, that is a totally different deal. I mean, what if your friend had gone for it or what if she has gone for it she knew you were around and so she played it off? I'm not saying that any of that is true, but to me, and I know I'm doing a fools errand, trying to impart ration to a potential cheater's behavior, but if you are going to cheat, you don't start with the big fish, you start with the low risk fish over in the kiddie pond, which is the random stranger analogy I just used.

Either way, even if your husband has never been unfaithful to you, what he did is still a betrayal to you and it is very hurtful. I hear you on the "Let's watch Thor" thing. My wife and I do something similar. It is human nature to have attractions and look every once in a while. It is all harmless, provided that it stops there, but all too often folks who are coming to this board for help, it wasn't harmless and went way too far.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 268   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8766191
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 FeelingConcerned2022 (original poster new member #82432) posted at 10:04 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

I 100% know that my friend chalked it up to him being drunk. She definitely doesnt believe he meant a word of it.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2022
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LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 10:31 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

I don't think drinking is exactly a truth detector process in all circumstances People also do and say a lot of dumb stuff they otherwise would not when drunk. But it's worth exploring more with your H where that came from.


I agree, its nothing but a fermented version of a polygraph. But I have always found that generally when it comes to emotional issues/subjects, while many exclamations while drunk are exaggerated, they often have a small kernel of truth in the mind of the drunk.
Im not saying he truly feels like he really married the wrong person, but if he is one of those who has a touch of the "grass is always greener" gene, there could be a small touch of truth, for him, in there.

posts: 90   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8766195
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