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The Morning After

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 hurtbs (original poster member #10866) posted at 2:47 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

Edit: I will put the details in my response below. However, i realize that many people don't read through all of the threads. Several people have suggested I lean on family or use my family as a support system. For reasons I will explain, my family relationships are... complicated. They are not going to be my support system through this.

Today is the first morning I wake up as a single woman in nearly 9 years. Yesterday was intense and exhausting. I found out that he rekindled (or continued?) his relationship with AP from the ONS (or was it a ONS?). He admitted it to me after I confronted him with details. He says he doesn't know why he is doing this, he isn't in love with her, that he knows he just destroyed us and blew up his whole life. He seems to feel guilt and shame. But also, I know he is broken. He is going to start looking for a place and we will try to avoid one another as much as possible in the interim. At one point last night he told me he wants to go stay in a state park for a few days after Thanksgiving and asked if I can look after the dog. I told him I would, he then started to justify it saying things like "I think I need to be alone in the wild with my thoughts..." I cut him off and just said "I'm not your girlfriend anymore. You don't need to justify your comings and going with me. You can go where you want, with whomever you want. You asked me to watch the dog, I agreed. We don't need to discuss it anymore." The look on his face... it was like I slapped him. I think that was when it hit him that it's over; definitively.

He told me that he told his parents we had broken up but he left out the "why." This was my request. I love his family, they have always been veery good to me. However, they're also a big family where everyone is all up in everyone's business all the time and I just can't. Plus, his mother is a BW (there is even an OC) and I don't want to bring up any more pain for her. I really hate that I'm going to lose them too in all of this. I haven't yet told my family. I think I will after Thanksgiving.

I got a little sleep, not much, and woke up at 4:30 am today. I'm going to have some coffee and eat a little food. Then, I'll exercise and go to a museum or something.

Next week will be hard. I'm off of work and he works from home. I'm going to go to my parents a couple of days for Thanksgiving. But visiting my family isn't really a respite. It's exhausting. I love them, they're just... you know.

Anyway, I just needed to share as I'm making coffee and crying.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 12:32 AM, Monday, November 21st]

Me - 40 something.
WXH DDay 2006, tried to R. Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022
Single

posts: 15711   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   ·   location: So Cal
id 8766057
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:58 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

No contact(NC) means NC. It is to let you move on without constant stress from seeing him. If you can’t stay with your parents longer see if friends will let you stay. Moving on is hard enough without being around him.

Good luck in your new, stress free, life.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3604   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8766064
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CometGirl ( member #56179) posted at 4:17 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

So very sorry. Really thought your story was going to have a happy ending, especially since the AP was across the country and he truly seemed remorseful. You seem like a truly strong woman that knows when to go with her gut instincts. So, what you are doing right now sounds like a good plan. Hopefully, he can find a new place sooner than later and you can begin healing. It will be impossible until he’s out of the house.

Does he plan on pursuing this woman?

posts: 98   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2016
id 8766065
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 4:21 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through this not once, but twice.

I think he’s probably lying about it being a ONS, but that’s beside the point now.

You are a testament to how strong we are capable of being in the face of betrayal while still being true to and honest about the emotional and practical devastation it causes.

Thinking of you in these difficult days; take care of yourself.

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling

posts: 276   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8766066
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:40 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

You look good in your bitch boots, but I am so sorry you needed to wear them.

Lean on your family - they can be a Great help.
Also, why are you protecting him from the consequences of his actions with his family? You may change your mind, and remember that protecting him is no longer your job.

Hang in there. You are strong and kind. And you will be okay.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5101   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8766067
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Lalala12 ( new member #79196) posted at 6:32 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

He sounds like a tragically self absorbed broken person, I’m really sorry you are going through this, but be proud of yourself for drawing a line in the sand. Please do not feel shame for this! Let him tell his family, if they hurt it’s because of the hurt HE caused. Let him face it. And do not allow him to start a false narrative.
I hope he will leave ASAP, the fact that you have to have him around in your house is just not OK.

There are so many ways a person can self destruct but to choose this given your history and his family history speaks volume. Good money spent on years of therapy… I wonder why he even confessed to the ONS.

And the OW is nuts

posts: 22   ·   registered: Jul. 29th, 2021
id 8766074
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 7:30 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

Well dammit. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
You are an amazing woman and strong and fierce. You will survive this.

Remember you are your top priority. You be sure to treat yourself with the love and and kindness you do other.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19606   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8766078
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:20 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

" I cut him off and just said "I'm not your girlfriend anymore. You don't need to justify your comings and going with me. You can go where you want, with whomever you want. You asked me to watch the dog, I agreed. We don't need to discuss it anymore."

Excellent example of "The 180" and yes it feels like "a slap in the face" with reality, a reality HE brought on.

posts: 992   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8766082
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 hurtbs (original poster member #10866) posted at 8:52 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

Thank you everyone for your responses. I wanted to respond to you all here. I first want to explain something about my support system. While I love my family, my relationship with them is... complicated. I don't want to get in trouble with our "no religion" rule. I will just say that my parents are deeply religious and I was raised in an incredibly conservative, patriarchal, religious household. Women have a very specific role, which is wife and mother in the home while men should be head of the household. I don't remotely fit that mold. When I became an adult, I left the faith as did my siblings. This was a serious bone of contention with my parents. When I went through this with my exWH, my parents seemed to lay the blame on my lack of staying in the faith. When we divorce, they tried to use it to pull me back into it. They love me, but their love for me is intertwined with their religious views and it can be difficult. They don't like that my xWBF and I lived together not married... you can see where this goes.

While my extended family is largely out of the faith, let's just say being raised with misogyny leaves its marks. I became fodder for a lot of gossip and judgment; it was labeled as 'inevitable' because I'm such a strong, opinionated woman. This is a long way to say my family isn't necessarily my safe space.

Does he plan on pursuing this woman?

I don't know. He says he doesn't, but honestly, who the fuck knows. I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't at least a soft place to fall.

I think he’s probably lying about it being a ONS, but that’s beside the point now.

I 100% agree with you. I think it was at least a long distance EA and possibly sexty PA until they consumated. But who knows.

Also, why are you protecting him from the consequences of his actions with his family?

I'm not protecting him, I'm protecting me. I don't want to be inundated by his well meaning family. I've confided in one close friend and being protective of myself.

There are so many ways a person can self destruct but to choose this given your history and his family history speaks volume. Good money spent on years of therapy… I wonder why he even confessed to the ONS.

He's been in therapy for years. I honestly think he is self destructing. He has serious depression and I think the infidelity is his way of medicating. I think that is why he confessed. He isn't even blaming me or the relationship for the affair, not in a passive "I wasn't happy" or "I felt neglected" or anything. He's still pretty adamant that this is all on him and his choices, that I didn't deserve it, our relationship was great, etc.

And the OW is nuts

I don't know if she is. I think he's been leading her on and she's falling for it. Can't much blame her as I did the same thing. I would think she would have more empathy as she was once a betrayed by her long term boyfriend. Of course, there are so many stories of BWs becoming OWs. I think it's a way to regain control after your trauma. Never an interest to me. In short, I think she's just a flawed person who was attracted to another flawed human being in a self destructive cycle.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 9:03 PM, Sunday, November 20th]

Me - 40 something.
WXH DDay 2006, tried to R. Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022
Single

posts: 15711   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   ·   location: So Cal
id 8766086
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LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 10:43 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

Im so sorry you had to find yourself here.
I'll give you some serious kudos for that verbal slap in the face, as you put it, you told him in a nearly word perfect way what he bought for himself. Even if he is self destructing.
I do get how your family "situation" can be a very tough one, and I for one, applaud you for not going into that predetermined role. My wife had a family that was that way as well, and into her first marriage she played that role. It took me ages to get her to break out of her mindset and realize I'm not the lord and master of our house, nor is she not allowed a full and honest opinion in everything. It still creeps into her thinking from time to time but doesnt stay long. I think I've created a monster laugh
You sound like a very strong woman, Im glad you wont just roll over for him.
At least you have one good friend you can confide in.

posts: 90   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8766094
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 11:50 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

You are doing really well. It will suck for a while before it sucks less.

The fact that he doesn’t know why he cheated is a screaming red flag.

You are better off doing your own thing. And staying no contact. You are not his counsellor or his friend.

Tomorrow is around the corner, great stuff so far.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 2014   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8766100
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Prettyflawed ( new member #80840) posted at 12:19 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

You are doing well considering. If you have copies of the receipts from the office renovation, I would give him a copy and ask for him to provide some payment today (before the guilt wears off). It sounds terrible having to share the space with him. After Thanksgiving at your parents and his state park trip, can you stay with a friend until he moves out. It must be hard to see him.

[This message edited by Prettyflawed at 12:29 PM, Monday, November 21st]

posts: 9   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2022   ·   location: Ohio
id 8766136
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Ariopolis ( member #75786) posted at 3:46 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

And the OW is nuts

I don't know if she is. I think he's been leading her on and she's falling for it.

I'm so sorry. I was hoping things would work out.

Was the email of infidelity incident ever worked out? Your fBF knows the AP sent that to herself to hook him back in, right? He knows you had nothing to do with it?

posts: 256   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8766158
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:58 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

If you live in a large enough community there are support groups of people who have been cheated on that need for support. I don’t know how you find one because the one I know of in my community is through a church but since religion is not on your plate you might have to look a little further but they are out there.
First, I want to make absolutely sure that you know I never think cheating is the right way to do anything. What I have found in doing research, and some studies on my own, depression makes people do very irrational things. If he had not tried sex he might’ve tried drugs he might’ve tried racing or gambling but anything to get him out of that depression. For those of us who do not suffer from it it’s very hard to put ourselves in places of people who do. My husband finally admitted it and got himself to the doctor and is now on medication and it has made such a difference in him. He’s still somewhat melancholy but nothing like he was. Even though the two of you are broken up he needs to see a doctor and if he’s already on medication that needs to be looked at .

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3604   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8766159
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 hurtbs (original poster member #10866) posted at 5:03 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

Was the email of infidelity incident ever worked out? Your fBF knows the AP sent that to herself to hook him back in, right? He knows you had nothing to do with it?

It was LinkedIn and no, never worked out. He still thinks it was a random bot. Whatever.

First, I want to make absolutely sure that you know I never think cheating is the right way to do anything. What I have found in doing research, and some studies on my own, depression makes people do very irrational things.

I agree with you. As I said, I think the infidelity is him self-medicating his depression. Trying to feel anything. I also know that people with severe depression can be incredibly self-destructive. I mean, he's still not even being defensive about his behavior. He's incredibly apologetic and just seems to have an "I am a garbage person" response. He doesn't blame me, he doesn't blame our relationship (not even in a vague "I wasn't 'happy" or "I felt distant" kind of way). He seems to be very, very low right now. At the same time, I know that it's not my job to set myself on fire to keep anyone warm.

Thank you everyone for your support.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 9:21 PM, Monday, November 21st]

Me - 40 something.
WXH DDay 2006, tried to R. Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022
Single

posts: 15711   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   ·   location: So Cal
id 8766167
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icytoes ( new member #79512) posted at 10:57 PM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

Hey hurtbs,

I am thinking of you. I am so sorry your WSO continued lying to you. What an a$$. You deserve better and I am impressed by how you stood up for yourself. I hope you have been able to take more walks on the beach. It's pouring rain where I am, but hopefully it is beautiful and sunny where you are. Take care.

posts: 45   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8766347
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