I naively believed I would never be back here again. Seven years ago almost to the day, I discovered my husband was betraying me. Over the next couple of months, I learned there was more than one , but not because he told me. He was having multiple EAs and one I considered to be a SA, not that they ever met in person but they participated in sexting with pictures and phone sex.
We did the therapy thing with multiple therapists. We both did IC. Tons of hysterical bonding. Went away together for alone time to reconnect. You name it, we did it.
On the surface, we seemed better. It took me a VERY long time (years) to forgive him, but I have never truly gotten over it and lost so much of myself from it all. I never regained full trust in him and have had so many moments I over the past 7 years that have triggered me and set me back. I don’t like who I’ve become.
But I stayed. I didn’t want to give up on 20 years of marriage. I loved him.
Fast forward 7 years later. About a month ago, the uneasiness began. I started seeing the patterns he exhibited 7 years ago with his cell phone. You all know what they are. I started scouring the cell phone records for the past few months and some things stuck out to me. There was one number in particular that showed up every once in awhile that would basically spam him with messages in a matter of minutes, but it didn’t show that he replied. I saw this pattern a few times. I also saw a couple of phone calls to this number at times he was traveling for work. I used SpyDialer and got her name. Googled her and found out she was an admin he worked with years ago that he admitted he almost fell into an EA with years before the shitstorm while she was going through a divorce and he had to end their friendship because he said it was starting to "feel weird ". The most recent communication they had was on the 13th this past week when he was out of town. That involved text messages he did return.
Just as I did prior to catching him the last time, this past Wednesday night I had this extreme sense that I needed to check his phone. He went to bed early and I waited a bit and found his phone.
I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I had to. Started with messages. There was no text on his phone between them from the 13th. I looked at his contacts and found her. Checked his internet search history, which was empty and in private browsing mode. Then I decided to look at his photos. Nothing to talk about until I went to his recently deleted. There was a picture taken that morning in our bathroom of his erect penis. He got home from business travel the night before. When he got out of bed much earlier than I expected he said he was awake due to the time change from traveling. The dick pic was time stamped about ten minutes after he got up.
Thankfully, I remained extremely calm this time and didn’t immediately confront him. I decided not to mention the picture because I don’t want him to know I had access to his phone. I don’t want him to change his passcode.
I did talk to him and voiced my concerns about his recent cell phone behavior. He didn’t get angry. He actually listened and said he would make changes to help me feel better. As the conversation continued I made my fears and anxiety known that he could be cheating again, which he denied. He then did become a little defensive and started with the gaslighting saying I’m on my phone a lot and for all he knows I could be cheating on him, blah blah blah. I asked him to swear on my life he wasn’t doing anything that would seriously upset me. He initially avoided saying those words and worked around them assuring me he wasn’t. I then reiterated I needed him to swear on my life nothing was going on. He then did. I lied 😗and told him I’d accept that and believed him because if he could swear on my life and still be lying he was nothing more than a damn shitty person. I hope that sat with him.
I never mentioned the picture. I have it saved on my phone for now. Again, he can’t know I was snooping.
This really sucks. I’m upset, but haven’t lost my mind like the first time. I feel surprisingly calm, with occasional moments of pure sadness and feeling sick to my stomach. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this.
I’m 52 years old. I’ve been with this man 31 years. I have a very comfortable life. I don’t want to start over. I’ve invested so much and deserve every bit of what we’ve accrued over the years. Screw taking half. I want it all. If I leave, he would be much better off than me financially. It’s not fair. I feel like I’m becoming one of those women who just put up with certain things to keep their lifestyle, which is sad. He’s not going anywhere. He knows he has a lot to lose in terms of social and family concerns. He would be a very lonely man if we divorced. I have a much greater support system than he does.
Thank you for letting me rant.
I am heartbroken. There is no trust left. A man who adored me and made me feel safe from all the bad in the world has become the one person I need to protect myself from the most.