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Newest Member: BallofAnxiety

Just Found Out :
7 Year Itch

Topic is Sleeping.

 DeservesBetter70 (original poster member #51421) posted at 3:48 AM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

I naively believed I would never be back here again. Seven years ago almost to the day, I discovered my husband was betraying me. Over the next couple of months, I learned there was more than one , but not because he told me. He was having multiple EAs and one I considered to be a SA, not that they ever met in person but they participated in sexting with pictures and phone sex.

We did the therapy thing with multiple therapists. We both did IC. Tons of hysterical bonding. Went away together for alone time to reconnect. You name it, we did it.

On the surface, we seemed better. It took me a VERY long time (years) to forgive him, but I have never truly gotten over it and lost so much of myself from it all. I never regained full trust in him and have had so many moments I over the past 7 years that have triggered me and set me back. I don’t like who I’ve become.

But I stayed. I didn’t want to give up on 20 years of marriage. I loved him.

Fast forward 7 years later. About a month ago, the uneasiness began. I started seeing the patterns he exhibited 7 years ago with his cell phone. You all know what they are. I started scouring the cell phone records for the past few months and some things stuck out to me. There was one number in particular that showed up every once in awhile that would basically spam him with messages in a matter of minutes, but it didn’t show that he replied. I saw this pattern a few times. I also saw a couple of phone calls to this number at times he was traveling for work. I used SpyDialer and got her name. Googled her and found out she was an admin he worked with years ago that he admitted he almost fell into an EA with years before the shitstorm while she was going through a divorce and he had to end their friendship because he said it was starting to "feel weird ". The most recent communication they had was on the 13th this past week when he was out of town. That involved text messages he did return.

Just as I did prior to catching him the last time, this past Wednesday night I had this extreme sense that I needed to check his phone. He went to bed early and I waited a bit and found his phone.

I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I had to. Started with messages. There was no text on his phone between them from the 13th. I looked at his contacts and found her. Checked his internet search history, which was empty and in private browsing mode. Then I decided to look at his photos. Nothing to talk about until I went to his recently deleted. There was a picture taken that morning in our bathroom of his erect penis. He got home from business travel the night before. When he got out of bed much earlier than I expected he said he was awake due to the time change from traveling. The dick pic was time stamped about ten minutes after he got up.

Thankfully, I remained extremely calm this time and didn’t immediately confront him. I decided not to mention the picture because I don’t want him to know I had access to his phone. I don’t want him to change his passcode.

I did talk to him and voiced my concerns about his recent cell phone behavior. He didn’t get angry. He actually listened and said he would make changes to help me feel better. As the conversation continued I made my fears and anxiety known that he could be cheating again, which he denied. He then did become a little defensive and started with the gaslighting saying I’m on my phone a lot and for all he knows I could be cheating on him, blah blah blah. I asked him to swear on my life he wasn’t doing anything that would seriously upset me. He initially avoided saying those words and worked around them assuring me he wasn’t. I then reiterated I needed him to swear on my life nothing was going on. He then did. I lied 😗and told him I’d accept that and believed him because if he could swear on my life and still be lying he was nothing more than a damn shitty person. I hope that sat with him.

I never mentioned the picture. I have it saved on my phone for now. Again, he can’t know I was snooping.

This really sucks. I’m upset, but haven’t lost my mind like the first time. I feel surprisingly calm, with occasional moments of pure sadness and feeling sick to my stomach. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this.

I’m 52 years old. I’ve been with this man 31 years. I have a very comfortable life. I don’t want to start over. I’ve invested so much and deserve every bit of what we’ve accrued over the years. Screw taking half. I want it all. If I leave, he would be much better off than me financially. It’s not fair. I feel like I’m becoming one of those women who just put up with certain things to keep their lifestyle, which is sad. He’s not going anywhere. He knows he has a lot to lose in terms of social and family concerns. He would be a very lonely man if we divorced. I have a much greater support system than he does.

Thank you for letting me rant.

I am heartbroken. There is no trust left. A man who adored me and made me feel safe from all the bad in the world has become the one person I need to protect myself from the most.

posts: 136   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2016
id 8765902

Cabernet ( member #72890) posted at 2:08 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

I'm sorry you have to navigate through this again. My concern is that due to his history, you shouldn't be feeling bad about checking his phone, etc. Why is this off-limits? My WH and I reconciled, but ever since DDay, I have had access to all his electronics. I'm not as diligent on checking things as I was back then, but I'll still randomly go through his phone. He doesn't even bat an eye - the privacy is what he gave up willingly in order to R. You call it snooping....why do you feel that you are in the wrong here?

Well I've been afraid of changin' 'cause I
Built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children grow older
I'm getting older too

posts: 81   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2020
id 8765927

pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:56 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

The comfortable life is already gone.

My big house and garden, friends, lifestyle.....image of us as a couple....

Once the cheatin starts, it's over. You can keep up appearances and look at the phone and computer. That will lead to depression. Of course he's gonna lie. Without hard proof he's gonna say the stupidest lies you ever heard. The more you ask, the more he hides it.

Get your proof and then get it out in the open. Then decide if you're going to stay with him for the lifestyle and family. Don't go on like normal. You can't be at peace mentally. Arguments will be happening. Stress will eat you away like a cancer.

Get your facts and then stand in the truth. Big changes aren't as bad as it seems. I'm happier now with my more modest peaceful life. No lies and no worries.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2534   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8765943

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:09 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

I'm curious as to why you think you shouldn't have checked his phone. It's a standard requirement, that after one affair,full transparency is a must. This includes all passwords.Hes a serial cheater. You should have access to everything, without guilt, or him being upset.

posts: 5042   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8765960

ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 5:43 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

I’m 52 years old. I’ve been with this man 31 years. I have a very comfortable life. I don’t want to start over. I’ve invested so much and deserve every bit of what we’ve accrued over the years.

That's a legitimate way to feel about it. I get it. He's the fuck up. Why should you have to adjust your lifestyle to accommodate that? That said, 52 will become 62, and 62 will become 72. It does become a question on whether you can actually enjoy the lifestyle you're feeling compelled to protect just now. You might have a beautiful home, but a lying, cheating spouse is like a dump truck-sized turd on your rug, stinking up the place and making it foul.

There's are several ways you can go about addressing this. One, you can act like you never saw anything and turn a blind eye to the cheating. The downside of that choice is that you run the risk of eventual discard anyway. Often, the cheater will succumb to pressure from the AP and be gone. Alternatively, you can do the roommate thing, where you each lead separate lives and share space. This also runs the risk of eventual discard and for the same reasons. You could confront, drag him by the ear back to therapy, double down on policing the marriage, and hope that this time he actually gets it. Or.. you could just be done with playing cat and mouse games, see an attorney, and serve him yourself so that you could include a copy of his dick pic with the paperwork.

What's more lonely?.. to be actually alone with the possibility of meeting new and exciting people, or being emotionally isolated by a guy who thinks you're some kind of game to be played?

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 6333   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765970

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:39 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Are you sure he’d be "much better off" than you? Talk to a lawyer and confirm this. Maybe you will be fine. Maybe you will be better than fine. You are only 52. That means you another 30 years or so — so you really havent all that time. Imagine 3 years of living authentically with someone who respects you (even if that means living without him).

I get the financial thing — I was also 50 when we split and he was 10 years older so a lot of our combined money was actually from what he had saved/invested before we met, so I got none of that. But I love my little house, and with time I learned to not only like but to LOVE my time alone.

Also, talk with an IC to work through what you really want and what will make you happy long term. You deserve happiness.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5221   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8765980

justanotherperson ( member #82218) posted at 8:38 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

I’m 52 years old. I’ve been with this man 31 years. I have a very comfortable life. I don’t want to start over. I’ve invested so much and deserve every bit of what we’ve accrued over the years. Screw taking half. I want it all. If I leave, he would be much better off than me financially.

I get that.

But then:

I feel like I’m becoming one of those women who just put up with certain things to keep their lifestyle, which is sad.

You already know what the deal is. Unfortunately - like many here - you have "been there, done that".

I personally would get some more "hard" evidence (you did well not showing your cards but don't be afraid to check the phone - cheating on you on your back "double time" can't even compare on a "shitty attitude scale").

After getting the evidence you and only you will have to decide what you really want for the still long years of life ahead of you. You can be happy going forward. Even whithout him. Even without the lifestyle you are so used to. But YOU have to make a decision. No one else can do that for you but you.

P.S: Read and re-read your user name here. Maybe it will help you on your decisions going forward.

All the best to you.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 8:39 PM, Saturday, November 19th]

"It can't rain all the time."

posts: 67   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: O´Porto
id 8765984

BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 5:19 AM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

52 will become 62, and 62 will become 72.


I get feeling scared, I really really do. I was 49 on Dday, 50 when we split. I hadn’t worked full time for 2 decades. I was terrified. But 8 years later, I’ve launched a career, moved countries, raised my kids and have happily repartnered. I’m living my absolute best life.

You don’t have to live the rest of your life like this. Being the marriage police, looking over your shoulder… it’s no way to live. You’ve tried, but he isn’t. Accepting that this will never get better for you is the first step in setting yourself free. See a therapist, see a lawyer, see a career coach. Get yourself the tools you need to take back your destiny. You do not want to be the bitter 72 year old that you are heading to.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3375   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 8766034

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:31 AM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

Ummm, how about a plan?

From the moment dday1 of affair 2 happened, I put together an exit strategy. And I still hold onto it.

I have my own $. Enough to last through a D and then some. I took control of our life insurance policies so I am the account holder. He cannot change beneficiaries.

I got myself out of credit card debt and have been debt free for 9 years. Just in case.

I have a plan for every possibility - he cheats again, he leaves the house. The house is sold (at some point) and we go out separate ways. Our kids are old enough we don’t need custody or visitation or anything like that.

If you are uncertain, get a plan together Now!

Start hoarding money. Sell unnecessary items (clothes, jewelry, etc). you’d be surprised how $10 here and there adds up.

I think with division of assets and alimony etc. you might do better than you think if you D or S.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12995   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766040
Topic is Sleeping.
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