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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Divorce/Separation :
Struggling

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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 2:52 PM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

It's been a while since I've posted on here. I've been making so much progress. We are continuing to move through the divorce process, even though STBXH is making every single step as hard as possible. We just went back to court because he objected to the child support amount. But I have been putting my new life together. I am working full-time and have my kids on a schedule of school/daycare. I am back in contact with my family and that feels amazing. My family now has a relationship with my kids. I am feeling more independent, and I no longer miss STBXH. I never thought I'd be able to say that. I am still sad of course, but I no longer miss him specifically. Honestly, with how he acts now I am embarrassed that I was ever married to him in the first place. Looking back now I am able to see how abusive the relationship was, and how I completely lost myself. Its scary how I didn't see it at the time. I feel like I've woken up again, finally starting to feel like myself again. I still have days where I think about something from our relationship and it dawns on me how messed up it really was, but at the time I didn't see it.

I've been doing so well and I'm so proud of myself. But the last week I can feel myself closing down a little bit and getting sadder again. It's a lot of things hitting me at once:
1. My last D-Day was the Sunday after Thanksgiving last year, so I'm coming up to a my 1 year anniversary of that. For me, I had tried R after I found out about his first affair, and I told him and myself that I wouldn't do it again. So when I found out about the second affair I knew in that moment that my marriage was over. It came crashing down on me and it was traumatic. I'm sure many of you can relate to that.
2. This will be my first holiday season alone. Last year, even though we were separated for Christmas, he didn't actually move out of the house until January, he was only sleeping in a different room, and we hadn't explained anything to our kids yet.
3. Thanksgiving will be my first holiday without my kids. For Halloween, I at least got to see them a little bit and we went trick or treating to our neighbor's house before I dropped them with dad. For Thanksgiving, they go to dad's house on Wednesday so I won't see them at all on Thanksgiving. My plan is to kind of ignore the holiday altogether. I've had invitations from friends to go to their homes, but I feel like being around other families will just make me feel worse that I'm not with mine. So I'm going to spend the day working, then put up Christmas decorations and try to pretend its just another day.
4. We are trying to wrap up the divorce. We've sent the first proposal for settlement. Even though I want it to be over, its still emotional to be at the end.
5. He is still emotionally and verbally abusing me every chance he gets.


So with all that going on, I'm struggling a little bit. I have lots to look forward to, and lots to be happy about. But I can't help the fact that every time I'm alone I just want to cry.

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 109   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8765727
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mommabear1010 ( member #79915) posted at 4:38 PM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I’m sorry, I’m also headed into affair season and it’s so sucky that it has to coincide with the Holidays. Last Nov/Dec were so horrible but didn’t find out til Jan it was cause he was having an affair.

I empathize about now having to share Holiday time with your kids. The is Xmas will be the first I have to share time (our agreement though states one parent gets Xmas Eve on odd years and one gets Xmas day on even years)

Something I’m planning on doing and maybe this will help you is creating new holiday memories on the days that you have the kids. like this year I’m gonna pick a day and a weekend I have her and it’s going to be our big go Christmas decoration shopping day and decorate the tree. Years that I might not have her Thanksgiving day, I’ll just do the day before a big almost like Thanksgiving eve celebration.

I totally get its a hard pill to swallow when things change like this. But I think it would also help to see where we can create new happiness, new traditions, new memories that are just OURS and not tainted by our WS 💜

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorcing

posts: 118   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8765806
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 6:49 PM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I am sorry Futurewasstolen, the holidays can be really freaking hard. I have a feeling my STBXH is going to be like yours in the divorce process and I think that is why I have been dragging my feet. I just keep telling myself this is temporary and that soon it will all just be a shitty memory. I just don't understand why they make it so hard. They make all these terrible choices and then punish us by dragging out the process and being difficult when we decide not to subject ourselves to their bullshit anymore. I really admire your strength throughout this and I am grateful you have shared your story and your experience as it serves as a beacon to me and helps me understand that I am not alone and I am not the only one dealing with this. I hope you manage to find some joy next week <3.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 254   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8765838
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 12:36 AM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Just wanted to say you've done an amazing job under really difficult circumstances. I don't think I'm the only one around here who's super proud of you. Brava!!! smile

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6169   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765883
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:28 AM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Nice work moving forward, FWS. As we heal and move forward in our lives, there are still some waves of emotion that come up, especially around the red letter days (DDAY anniversary, holidays, etc.) It’s like a big wave coming— you just have to take a stand and brace yourself and let it run over you. It won’t destroy you like the waves in the early days, but it will still hurt and be sad. When possible, start building new traditions that you and your kids can look forward to. And remember that this will pass. Next year will be better. The following will be amazing.

You’ve been doing great, so I know you can handle this wave of grief. It will be okay.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5103   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8765889
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 1:02 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Thank you so much for your responses. Its amazing how much comfort I get from here, just knowing that I'm not alone. There are other people facing the same situations and emotions and we're here for each other. It surprised me to hear you all say that you're proud of me. I'm proud of myself, but I've also been in survival mode this past year. It's been a bit of tunnel vision with the only goal of healing and rebuilding my life, and being stable for my kids.

I honestly cannot believe its already been a year since my last D-Day. I had other D-Days before that (many) but I really consider this one to be the big one because its when I knew in my heart that it was over. It feels like its been way longer than a year because so much has happened and I'm not the same person anymore. Can I take a minute here to brag a little about my progress? Lol, how about, I offer hope that it is possible! Because if you had told me a year ago that this is where I would be today, I wouldn't have believed you. Here's the major things that have changed in the last year since I decided to end my marriage:

1. My STBXH is moved out of the house. I also have a PPO against him so legally he is not allowed in this house and that has given me an endless amount of peace. This house is my safe space where I know he can't come in.
2. I am working again. I was a stay at home mom and dreaded the idea of putting my kids in daycare. I didn't know how to even think about getting a job and figuring it all out (which is a little ridiculous looking back. Before I met STBXH I was a fully functioning adult all on my own!). Well now I am working 30 hours/week at the firm that I started my career at. Its considered full time, so I get health insurance. I only had to put my kids in daycare for 3 days/week, and my MIL watches them 1 day. We have a new routine and its working. Plus, daycare has been really good for my kids, which I had a feeling it would be. It was more my emotions about it. I've had to start my career over essentially, but its a start and I feel like I'll be promoted quickly. I also know that I'm good with money, so I'm not panicking about that anymore. That feeling of financial freedom from my STBXH is one of the best feelings in the world.
3. I no longer miss STBXH. This one was MONUMENTOUS when I realized it! For so long I would cry myself to sleep missing him and wishing he loved me as much as I loved him. Then I started seeing him for his actions, not for my fantasy version of him and I realized what a piece of poop he really is!! Ever since he moved out he has been emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. He will do anything that he thinks will hurt me, including using the kids against me. I now look at him with disgust. Its embarrassing that I was married to him. I still get lonely sometimes, and of course I get sad that my marriage is over, but I don't miss him. I wouldn't take his ass back in a million years! I also recognize his abuse now for what it is, which makes it easier to deal with, and he gets to me less and less as time goes on.
4. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am happy being single. I was never a huge dater, but I wouldn't stay single very long, I would find a new relationship. This past year I have been focusing on healing myself. I feel like I've woken up. I didn't realize how much he erased me, my whole identity was gone. So I've been taking this time to find out who I am again. What do I like? Its weird to say, but I don't even know. I'm enjoying creating my life on my own. I don't want another person to have to consider right now. I want to be selfish and create the life that is going to be best for me and my kids. Later, if someone comes along who fits into that then that would be great, but I don't want to be dependent on anyone else.
At the beginning of this, I thought that being the best co-parent, and the best for my kids, meant that I would still have to do birthdays and holidays together with my STBXH. I thought that that would mean that I'm rising above and being a good mom. But I've realized that I don't have to light myself on fire to keep everyone else warm, even my kids. I am allowed to say no. I am allowed to not be around my abuser. And I don't think my kids would enjoy the event with all the tension in the air anyway. So far I've had one birthday party without him there, and it was perfect. No stress, no anxiety. It was the laid-back party that I've always wanted to have, but never could because everything always had to be perfect for him in the past. If a kid got upset and acted up, that was automatically my fault and the entire party would be ruined. That was and is his attitude! My youngest son's birthday party is this weekend and I'm so excited to celebrate with him! I'm still a little unsure how I'm going to handle Christmas, but I know I'll figure it out. I know that per our parenting schedule I get my kids for Christmas eve and Christmas morning and I'm so thankful that for this first year I got those times! (I also think its hilarious that per our schedule he was supposed to have the kids on their birthdays, but he never bothered to actually read the schedule, so he wasn't aware of that. I am no longer his secretary so I didn't remind him. Their birthdays fell on my normal parenting time so I got to have them!)

Wow - I know theres more that I could write, but thats good for now. I am feeling invigorated typing this all out! It feels official and its making me feel even more proud of myself and how far I've come. This site has been and continues to be a huge part of that. In the early days I used this site as my crutch as much as my journal. I would come on here and spill my guts and lay out all of my emotions. And you all would offer so much support and advice and hope. I will forever be thankful and grateful. I hope that someone else can read my story and know that it is possible for life to get better. <3

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 109   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8765919
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:42 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

I hope that someone else can read my story and know that it is possible for life to get better.

If I had my way, we'd pin it to the top! grin

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6169   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765956
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 8:23 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Wow FWS, what a fantastic - all around awesome - update. Brag away! You deserve accolades! You've grown so much and overcome so much in one short year. So proud of you.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 8:46 PM, Sunday, November 20th]

Married 32 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 64 HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
D-Day=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 146   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8765982
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