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Newest Member: Julesanne

Reconciliation :
Relapse, NC rules broken


 TippiRemix (original poster new member #82398) posted at 3:29 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

I discovered my spouse was having an emotional affair (with some limited physical contact) in 2009. He was committed to reconciliation, and we worked with a couple's counselor for years, making great strides. However, the AP was always in our life as she is someone he works with. You can probably imagine what comes next. Last week I discovered they were back to messaging each other in the evening and using affectionate terms like "babe" and "my love." I am hurt and angry. He insists nothing was starting back up (but doesn't have an explanation for why this communication started up again) and recognizes how much of a breach this was. He is remorseful and willing to go to counseling on his own to help unpack why he would do this, knowing that a condition of our reconciliation was no personal contact with her. I keep thinking of them as addicts, unable to break this hold and control themselves. His job is very important to him, but in retrospect I was naive to think that they could keep working together. He wants "credit" for the 13 years he didn't slip up, but I am really devastated.

I would love advice from anyone whose spouse continues to work with their AP who has successfully navigated NC.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2022
id 8765247

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:08 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Do you think you'd get credit if he'd caught you saying "my love" to an affair partner?

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765256

survrus ( member #67698) posted at 7:24 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022


This is an almost textbook example of why any contact means the affair continues.

People have affairs with sexual partners from high school they haven't seen for 30 years, how much more dangerous is it when they see each other regularly.

Even if you think of him as an addict it's still a bad idea for an addict to work in a pharmacy. And as they say in AA you are always an alcoholic, ones too many a thousand is not enough.

If You did not expose the affair to the OWH please do it now this is very serious. Gather your evidence and do not warn or threaten. If you did reexpose.

Your WH needs to take a polygraph too, he doth protest too much.

Please post your story when someone on here thinks it's ok for their spouse to continue working with the affair partner.

I've not see where workplace affairs went well, I've seen women beyond childbearing age who hung on to a work husband until it was too late, my WW OM coworker from 30 years ago screamed out her name when he saw her, I've seen people who needed to leave their job and miss out on job opportunities, a woman who married our boss whos son mentions his dad on his facebook but not a word about his mother,etc.

The intense emotions from an affair lay there smoldering for a long time and the insane promises they make to each other seem attainable when you see them regularly, they know they will get back when they are free.

posts: 1232   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8765284

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:59 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

There's a huge difference between regret,and remorse. If he were remorseful, he would never expect credit for not cheating between last time,and this time. He's sorry he got caught.

There is zero reason to believe this wasn't a full blown sexual,and emotional,

Believing he's like a drug addict,due to one affair, allows you to make excuses for him.

He is not a drug addict. He's a cheater.

It's highly unlikely the affair just miraculously restarted. It's more likely that it never ended.

Have you called her husband, to inform him of the affair, yet? He needs to be told immediately. Don't tell your husband. He's supposed to be NC. If he says anything to you about informing her husband, you know they're still talking.

What is he planning on doing to become a safe partner?

What requirements have you set for you to consider attempting reconciliation?

posts: 4852   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8765304

BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 12:46 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Beyond the fact that he broke NC and resumed the affair and isn't being honest about the fact that he has resumed it, I also notice that you say "I discovered...."

He is still cheating, still lying, and still denying. He didn't have an "ah-ha" moment and come clean, you discovered it and it would still be going on if you hadn't.

I would really ask myself why I'm staying with a person who is not loyal or committed to me and not trustworthy.

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?No, I ain't happy yet.But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrsBoth in IC & MCMarried 31 yrs now2 kids-both in HSAttempting R

posts: 291   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8765340

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:01 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

That's not a relapse - that's a new DDay.

If AP is married/involved - expose immediately. All of it.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3572   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8765448

messyleslie ( member #58177) posted at 8:55 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

I’m sorry. This would be devastating.

I would probably 180 him and see what he does. If he doesn’t put himself in IC and change jobs immediately without you guiding it I would assume he is unsafe and would not continue the marriage.

posts: 287   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8765459

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:37 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

He’s been working with her this whole time?

Then it’s safe to assume the affair never ended; it went underground. They just got careless.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 950   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8765482

OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 8:29 AM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

Last week I discovered they were back to messaging each other in the evening and using affectionate terms like "babe" and "my love." I am hurt and angry.

You think they are just recently "back to messaging," but he's calling her babe and my love????

He insists nothing was starting back up...He is remorseful.

He calls her 'my love,' but nothing is starting back up? I mean, seriously? His outright lying, justifying and minimizing show he is not remorseful. Why do you tell yourself that he is?

You do not even kind of have the full story yet. This has been going on for a long time if it ever even stopped at all.

No offense, but if she is "my love," then what are you? The cook and housekeeper?

Time to stand up for yourself with actions, not threats and tears. You need to do a lot more than walk around feeling hurt. Do a hard 180 and meet with an attorney to see what a D would look like for you. I would not even discuss staying witb him unless and until he has a new job. Period. Then you will know if he really wants this marriage.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:39 AM, Thursday, November 17th]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5680   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8765541

Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 8:59 AM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

I don’t think the affair ever ended, you don’t go from NC to "love" and "babe" overnight.

Seeing that you discovered it, he didn’t confess, and now he expects you to believe it’s just some "innocent" texting I’d say your WH never got the magnitude of his actions and never ended the affair. I’m so sorry.

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1596   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8765544

survrus ( member #67698) posted at 4:11 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

Very sorry you have to deal with this extortion and chose between a good income and the continuation of the affair.

posts: 1232   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8765581
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