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Newest Member: Stillconfused2022

Just Found Out :
Wish I wasn't new here


 whiskybiscuit (original poster new member #82395) posted at 3:58 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

My husband of less than 1 year (we've been together 6) has just told me he slept with a sex worker on his last business trip.

He assures me it was the first and will be the only time and that he feels terrible. He said he used protection but recieved unprotected oral and has just had sti tests done.

He's tried to justify it by saying that it was just a transaction for sex and no feeling was involved and he now feels awful about it because I'm the love of his life. I can't understand why he thinks what he's done isn't as bad as a drunken one night stand - he actually planned to do this, searched for a woman, bought condoms and even bought a new sim card to contact the escort agency (which he's said he's now thrown away) To me, it's even more of a betrayal than something that can be passed off as a drunken mistake.

Not only am I having to deal with the cheating but also this deceitful and sneaky organising of it, where he would have had many opportunities to back out. We had sex once he got back home and he didn't think to mention it before then. I feel disgusting.

My problem right now is that we've recently moved to another country where I don't speak the language and I'm not currently working so I have no money of my own. I can't just leave him. How the hell do I even start to navigate through this?

I don't think I want to leave him but I'm just not sure what to do right now. I want to believe that he won't do it again, as he's clearly remorseful, but he's going on another business trip on Wednesday and all I'm going to be thinking about is what he's getting up to.

What should I do?

[This message edited by whiskybiscuit at 5:38 PM, Monday, November 14th]

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2022
id 8765109

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 5:06 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

I absolutely hate it when posters think they have no options.
I don’t hate the posters – but the thought that someone feels they don’t have options.

If you truly think you don’t have any options… well… be careful when having sex and expect him to repeat this again and again. After all – you don’t have money, language or any options.

If that doesn’t sound good… then start thinking options.

For one make your feelings very clear to him. This was a planned out event with preparation and premeditation. If he truly insists that this was only a financial transaction purely for sex and no emotional cost to either party… well… suggest that you start offering sex for cash. Ask him how he would feel about you earning money as an escort on the days he’s at work. It’s only money and sex…

He needs to have a STI test. Like NOW. Until that’s done there is no sex with him. It’s not punishment – its more akin to life-insurance, possibly preventing you from getting some life-long STD sentence.

Then start looking at your options. What is he willing to do to convince you this is a one-off thing? How can he assure you?
What is your legal position? If this ends in divorce what country would have jurisdiction? Can you return to your home-country? What are the requirements for residency, grounds for divorce and so on?

You have options. I am not suggesting you divorce, but even less am I encouraging you to feel trapped.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11130   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8765123

Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 7:06 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

whiskey -

I wish you didn't have a reason to be here either. But I'm glad you found SI (((hug)))

It's a good thing that your husband confessed. However, cheaters often confess to a sanitized version of the truth, so that they can squash their guilt by convincing themselves that since they at least admitted to a little, that's sufficient; and they convince themselves that what you don't know won't hurt you and determine it would be in your best interests not to know the full story. For example, and I don't know if this is true or not, but it's possible he may regularly sleep with sex workers and the only reason he confessed this time is because he didn't actually wear a condom, so he's concerned he may have passed an STD to you. Again this is just a hypothetical. He may be trickle truthing you, meaning he's only admitting to a little bit of the truth at a time. E.g. He admits to sleeping with a sex worker once, and says that was the only time and with a condom, and then later admits there was no condom, and then later admits he gave her oral too, and then later admits it was more than once, and so on and so forth.

About this confession, what was the context? Was it spontaneous? Or did you say something that triggered the confession? And has he stated why he did it? Because if he doesn't understand his why, then he doesn't address whatever it was that led him to this betrayal, and that increases the likelihood that it'll happen again. The why may simply be, he did it because he could, and if that's the case, then what does he plan to do to prevent it from doing it again given his marriage vows or knowing he would hurt you wasn't enough to stop him. And, when you do something once, it becomes easier to do, and then the more you do it, the more easier it becomes to continually do it. What your husband may be doing is gauging your reaction, and if your immediate reaction wasn't break up, he may determine that means he can do it again because he won't suffer any consequences. Ask your husband, when he made the decision to cheat, what did he expect was going to happen once you found out? If he has no fear of you leaving him, he will likely cheat again.

You say he's remorseful, how do you know that? He confessed, but that's not automatically remorse. It's troublesome that he risked losing you & his marriage for "just" a transaction for sex. And is he saying he needed to cheat to realize you are the love of his life? Because that's absurd. What does he have to say about why you should believe it won't happen again? Does he actually believe you are supposed to trust his word?

You're not option-less, you could ask for a separation, you can decide cheating is a deal breaker and divorce, you may decide you want reconciliation, which would require both of you to do the work. I suggest you contact attorneys both where you live (you can probably find some in your country who speak English) and where you immigrated from. Do you have any family or friends who would allow you to come live with them or loan you money until you get back on your feet as an individual? It's a possibility that moving you to a country where you don't speak the language, and financially rely on him completely, and probably don't have any family or friends there, may have been purposeful. And now that he has you vulnerable, you may be seeing your true husband for the first time.

posts: 282   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8765133

 whiskybiscuit (original poster new member #82395) posted at 10:13 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022


He confessed because he thinks he might have caught something and had to do tests today. He said he wore protection and had unprotected oral but I'm doubting that. I asked him if he would have told me if he didn't think he'd caught something and he said yes, because he wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. Why did he do it then?!! The fact that he may have caught something makes me think he might have had unprotected sex with someone other than a SW - and that him saying it was a SW might make it easier for me to get over. My gut is definitely telling me that something isn't right there.

He also said that he had a 'chance to cheat' with a woman that was coming on to him on another business trip but didn't. I think he was trying to assure me that this time was a one off but all I was thinking was - so I should be GRATEFUL you didn't?!

I told him that he's destroyed my trust in him and he's distraught. All I've got from him was that it was just a 'carnal thing' and that he regretted it the whole time it was happening (yeah, right.)

We haven't long moved country for this new life and we're trying for a baby right now - I actually had a very early term miscarriage less than a month ago - so I'm just devastated. I just can't believe he'd do this to me and expect me not to want to throw him out. I'm honestly so confused.

I'm going to put a few of your questions to him tomorrow. I've just been so full of anger today that I haven't been able to speak to him without crying.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2022
id 8765158

BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 11:33 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

He had a reason to tell you. He thinks (perhaps knows) he caught something.
This impetus to tell you makes it less likely that you are getting the full truth.

He did this only once...with this level of planning because it was a one-off, never to be repeated? And you should feel reassured because he once turned down a woman who came on to him on a business trip? This all seems like smoke and mirrors.

The red flags are flying and you seem to realize that.

Consider doing a pretty thorough look at financial records. Are there withdrawals or other money being spent that align with business trips?

Don't make your husband aware of your search if at all possible. He has already disclosed his desire to cover his tracks. (A new SIM card? Wow!)

To be honest, I'm not sure I believe the "new SIM card" thing. Is this to make you believe that there will be no trail on his phone or phone records, so you'll believe there is no reason to explore this path and perhaps find more??

I'm so sorry you are facing this devastating confession and the horrible possibility that actual reality is even worse.

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?No, I ain't happy yet.But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrsBoth in IC & MCMarried 31 yrs now2 kids-both in HSAttempting R

posts: 286   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8765165

Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 1:07 AM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

whiskey -

Thank you for providing additional information. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I would recommend you enroll in therapy asap as you've undergone two devastating traumas back to back. You're grieving for the loss of your child and then learn your husband betrayed you in one of the worst ways possible. That is a lot for someone to handle on their own. If you have a friend IRL that you feel safe to confide in I also suggest you do so immediately, you need that support. Don't worry about protecting your husband, he caused this, don't light yourself on fire to keep him warm.

I'm a big believer in following your gut instinct and if your intuition is telling you that he isn't telling you the full truth, then he isn't. Cheaters rarely use protection so it's highly likely your husband didn't wear a condom with whomever he's been sleeping with. Unfortunately my hypothetical may be true.

Definitely ask him those questions. Also tell him that you know he's still lying and you don't want him sparing the truth because he's afraid whatever he's done will be too much to come back from or thinking that he's sparing your feelings, he can't hurt you anymore than he already has done. Let him know if he doesn't confess to everything there can be no reconciliation until the last lie is told. You can also promise that you'll be requiring him to submit to a polygraph test to ensure he's telling you the entire truth. I'm not a big proponent in the validity of polygraphs, but they are useful when dealing with cheaters as they may fear failing and spill more (but not necessarily all.)

Have you checked your phone records to see if there's a particular number he's been calling or texting frequently? If he has a work phone, computer or tablet, will he let you look through them (obviously don't warn him, ask spontaneously so that he doesn't have time to possibly delete evidence.) Do you have the password to his phone and free access? Has he explained to you in detail how it came about that he cheated, specifically I mean did he search online or call a number etc? If you ask him to repeat the story and continue questioning him he may slip up and change details of his story.

Again I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this. Please keep posting.

posts: 282   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8765186

 whiskybiscuit (original poster new member #82395) posted at 3:03 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

We had another conversation this morning. He gave me the advert for the SW he used and more details on what happened/how he organised it. I messaged her today to ask her to confirm his story but I doubt I'll recieve a reply. However, I think I can believe that, at least this part, is true.

We're supposed to be signing deeds on a new home this week and have an appointment with our fertility doctor next week but that's all being put on hold. He's expecting the test results back in a few days so I'm sitting here having to worry about that now too.

I've asked him to leave for a few days so that I can have time to think without him around and he's going in an hour or so. I've told him he needs to tell his mother about what he's done and speak to a counsellor because there's something wrong with him.

I'm still so full of anger and confusion. I can't believe he'd throw our lives and everything we've built away for something so stupid.

I can't even begin to think about how I can trust him again.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2022
id 8765240

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:15 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

My problem right now is that we've recently moved to another country where I don't speak the language and I'm not currently working so I have no money of my own. I can't just leave him. How the hell do I even start to navigate through this?

Maybe the best place to start would be fixing all this above in the quote box so that you feel like you have a legitimate choice to make. Certainly, I wouldn't be buying a home or planning a family right now. Instead, I'd probably go back to where I came from, stay with family or a friend, find a job, etc. so that when I was ready to make a choice about my marriage, it wouldn't come from a place of hardship and necessity.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765243

Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 4:27 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

whiskey - Believe it or not, you're handling this well. You're not rug sweeping. You've asked for space. You've demanding he confess to his mother. Demanded he begin counseling. Have you considered individual therapy for yourself? I also recommend the book Cheating in a Nutshell. I think it will be very beneficial for you.

Maybe the best place to start would be fixing all this above in the quote box so that you feel like you have a legitimate choice to make. Certainly, I wouldn't be buying a home or planning a family right now. Instead, I'd probably go back to where I came from, stay with family or a friend, find a job, etc. so that when I was ready to make a choice about my marriage, it wouldn't come from a place of hardship and necessity.

I agree wholeheartedly with everything CT has said here with special emphasis on the bolded.

[This message edited by Aletheia at 4:28 PM, Tuesday, November 15th]

posts: 282   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8765262

Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 12:00 AM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

Whisky, I am sorry your husband did this…. Do not rugsweep or let him rugsweep this in any way.

This was premeditated cheating. He wanted to cheat. It feels really cold. Why the hell did he do this?

A few thoughts.

1. Do not get pregnant. It will make everything harder. Good men do not cheat when they are trying to have a child with their bride. Good men do not cheat period.

2. He needs to see a counsellor. There is something contributing to this behaviour. Your husband has issues, it sounded as if he was proud he didn’t sleep with his co-worker. This is not normal.

3. Cheaters lie. Don’t trust him until you have some trustworthy behavorial examples.

4. Have you talked about what is and isn’t cheating? It sounds like he has very different view to you.

My husband planned to cheat. He went to erotic massage parlours for 5 years. Happy endings. Because it was a service, he felt it wasn’t really cheating.

Nor did he feel it was cheating when he went to a prostitute. It wasn’t cheating the first 16 times with same prostitute. And then he felt he deserved to be happy with his prostitute who was the love of his life. His soulmate.

Five years he loved his prostitute. He ruined our family, hurt his kids….. paying for sex was a gateway to ruin.

Be careful please.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 11:06 PM, Sunday, November 20th]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 2011   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8766010

pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:39 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

Hi whiskey, im happy you're here. Whatever is on your mind just say it here..

You don't have the whole truth yet. There will be more.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2497   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8766056

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:53 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

I don’t know if extra-marital sex with a prostitute is better or worse than a "conventional" affair-if there is such a thing.

I just think it’s a different form of cheating for different reasons that are just as bad.

As a man, for me to consider ‘using’ a prostitute for sex, whether married or single, would be an act of serious desperation. I would have to regard sex completely differently than how I currently do. I would be deeply concerned for my mental health. I would have to admit that I need serious therapy.

So, I think it’s wise of you not to discount his form of cheating as something less than an all out, emotionally invested, affair.

He needs to do a deep therapy guided dive into the WTF’s of what lead to this, and there better not be any easy picking, lazy ass rationalizations such as, "My sexual needs weren’t being met" type bullshit.

I can’t imagine a sexual rut that would drive me to a prostitute when there are sooo many other MORE wholesome, healthy, considerate, caring, safe and fulfilling options out there.

posts: 990   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8766087
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