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Cargiver help and support

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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 7:18 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

I am moving my mother into an assisted living facility soon. I should have done this a month ago. Mom is really digging in her heels, just giving up on life, and making this transition as difficult as possible for me. I'm struggling, at the breaking point, and every day, she gets worse.

Does anyone know of a site for caregivers that is as awesome as this one that I could join to get support as I go through this?

To top things off, my mom is a consummate liar, passive-aggressive, stonewaller, etc. She has all of the tools of a WS, and it's triggering me all over the place some days to see this behavior again, because I know at the heart of it all that she JUST DOESN'T CARE WHAT SHE IS DOING TO ME.

I don't sleep, am stressed all of the time, and am struggling to stay focused at work and employed because of all of this. Sound familiar?

Any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated! TIA!

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8762682
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 8:39 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I took care of my mom and grandmother and helped my H take care of his dad. It is exhausting both mentally and physically.

My fil should have gone in assisted living much sooner than he did but he refused to go. It was an absolute nightmare getting him to agree and physically moving him and his things. He called my H all hours of the day and night, he threw his entire weekly container of pills on the floor. We were doing all his grocery shopping and cleaning. He refused to use the van service to go to his many appointments which were 2 miles from his home. He expected somebody to take him.

My mom was very pleasant to care for. I took care of her every afternoon into the evening. She was on diuretics and needed help using the bathroom. The person that took care of her during the day would not give her the pills until it was my shift. I would have to care for my D and tend to her every 20 minutes. I have so much guilt because I was stressed and always rushing to do something for somebody. I wish I had just been able to sit and play cards with her.

Do the best you can and know that you are so strong to be taking care of things for your mom. Hopefully it will get easier when she is in assisted living. Do they take care of things or will they be calling you? The place my til was in called us instead of handling some things themselves. We also had to intervene when they weren't answering his call bell in a timely manner when he needed help in the bathroom.

Hang in there. You can vent to me anytime.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3001   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8762696
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:01 PM on Saturday, October 29th, 2022

Rules boundaries and limitations. Don't allow her to manipulate.

Watch how staff and caregivers interact with her.

Reach out to your local area agency on aging for resources support and answers. Also look and see if you have a resource in your area called a senior ombudsman.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19606   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8762763
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:51 PM on Saturday, October 29th, 2022

I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t have any issues like this with my mother so I don’t really have any advice. Sorry you are going through it.

We do go through "powdered butt syndrome" they won’t take advice from anyone who’s butt they powdered.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2007   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8762786
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 9:10 PM on Saturday, October 29th, 2022

Sending
((Virtual hugs))

It's hard stuff. Many of us have been there. I would have taken better care of myself if I had to do it all over again.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1111   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8762811
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deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 12:00 PM on Sunday, October 30th, 2022

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree on reaching out for local resources on aging. Another thing… We had to move my mother into a memory care facility in the spring of 2019. She had dug in her heels and when she realized we were leaving her there, she was heartbroken. With Alzheimer’s, we had hit the point that we had to make a change and she really didn’t understand what we were trying to tell her until the reality of staying hit her. For about a month afterwards, every time I would visit or any of us would visit, she had everything packed up and would talk about how she was waiting for one of my siblings to come get her to take her home. We just reiterated that she had to stay for her own health and safety. It was hard, but eventually it got easier because she started to enjoy the other residents there, the activities, and it became home. It is a tough transition but hold on and take it day by day. Message me if you just need to talk about it. Been there, done that.

Today, she’s advanced Alzheimer’s, was under Covid lockdown where all we had was FaceTime for several months with no visits allowed, but she has done great. That is another thing, ask them if another shut down would happen, do they allow window visits or FaceTime or anything where you can make it a visual contact. That helped us and likely her.

[This message edited by deena04 at 12:03 PM, Sunday, October 30th]

Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.

posts: 3235   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 8762862
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 3:30 PM on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2022

I am slogging through all of this. Mom picked a place (essential that it was her decision so she can't blame me for sticking her somewhere against her will). We have the keys, and tomorrow, we go get the results of her TB test and can move her in at any time. We took measurements of the room and know what furniture will fit. We just need to pick out clothes, artwork, and decorations for her room, then we can move her in.

That reminds me! I need to call movers and get them to come get and move her stuff. It is always ONE MORE THING.

We (my BF and I) have applied for an apartment just two miles from mom's place, and we should hear back tomorrow if we get it.

I met with the realtor yesterday and am listing the house with her. I signed the paperwork, so that's kind of on autopilot, while I focus on moving both mom and me out of here. Then she can begin showings.

I just keep focusing on the fact that, one month from yesterday, the hardest parts will be over. I will get to live with the greatest man I have ever met, and life will be peaceful enough that I can actually walk my dog on a regular schedule. Home will go from being a stress-fest to being a retreat.

I will still have to deal with my narcissistic brother (like mother like son), who believes that he should get all of mom's AND MY stuff, if he likes it. Well, that's not going to happen. He hasn't lifted a finger to help her, despite committing to take her and find her an assisted living facility up north (where we're from). He has NO IDEA how involved all of this is. I want less than ten pieces of furniture and two photographs from my mom's stuff. He can have everything else. The split is definitely in his favor, but he's still going to complain about it, because the only important person in his world is him.

While I know I should be calling him every few days to give him updates, he's the type that will have an opinion on everything and second-guess my decisions, and I just can't do it. Hey, the phone works two ways, right? And he hasn't called since I told him that I had narrowed it down to the top three places that I had toured. And then, he just said, "So I don't get a say in this decision?" Uh yeah, you had a say, you said it, I agreed to it, then you broke your word. So you blew your "say."

All of this makes me miss my dad. He and I got along like my mom and my brother get along, and I wish I had a family ally instead of having to deal with the two narc children of the family. Thank God for my BF; he has been an absolute rock for me to lean and cry on through all of this.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8763259
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little turtle ( member #15584) posted at 7:11 PM on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2022

This is almost all over! Glad your mom picked a place and will be moving in soon. Hope it all goes well.

Failure is success if we learn from it.

posts: 5525   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2007   ·   location: michigan
id 8763296
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 8:08 PM on Thursday, November 3rd, 2022

Some days are harder than others. Today has been particularly bad, as mom has absolutely given up. Not to mention, she has stopped being polite in any way, shape, or form, and is just making statements about what she needs/wants and is now assuming that I will satisfy her every whim just because she states that she needs or wants it.

I'm using this as a motivator to call the movers and she is scheduled to move out of this house and into the assisted living facility next week.

She had to get a chest x-ray this morning because her TB test came back with marginal results. And I forgot a form that her doctor needs to complete and get back to me before she can move in. Where the hell would she have picked up TB? The only time she leaves the house is to go to the doctor.

I am also scheduled to take her cat to the vet next Tuesday to get her vet records so she can take her cat with her. It's a good thing her cat is going with her, because I don't particularly like her cat. (She's cool, as she has 8 toes on each of her front paws, but she's also kind of an ass.)

The list is getting shorter and there is light appearing at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you all so much for your support as I go through this! I know my check-ins have been spotty, because I'm under the wave of stress right now. Some nights, I get her into bed and just crawl into my own directly after.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8763458
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 3:54 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

We move her out tomorrow. All I need is to have one more day go well.

She had a good time this evening having me wheel her around the house so she could pick her favorite things to have around her in her new "apartment."

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8764264
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 4:40 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

Good luck today.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19606   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8764312
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little turtle ( member #15584) posted at 5:47 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

Hope the move is going well today!

Failure is success if we learn from it.

posts: 5525   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2007   ·   location: michigan
id 8764324
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 10:06 AM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

I got her moved out and everything is done except for art and her TV on the walls. I need to bring her a shower curtain rod and some plug strips when I'm back on Saturday.

I didn't get home last night until almost 11, and was in bed 15 minutes later. What a change of pace!

Of course, I was wide awake at 4:40 this morning. On the first day I could sleep in.

I woke up worrying about mom, and had to remind myself that she has caregivers now.

Mom seems happy, but of course she's happy when she sees me doing things for her. (Like seriously, she really enjoys watching me shampoo the rug in her room. Crazy, I know.) But I worked my butt off all day yesterday.

We'll see how today and tomorrow go.

We still haven't heard from my brother. I am waiting to see how long it takes him to get in touch.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8764419
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 6:57 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

I went to see mom on Saturday. I called a bunch of times Thursday and Friday, and got no answer, so I had no idea how she was. I get there, and she is fine and happy. I took her shopping and picked up some lunch for us, and I got everything done in her apartment at the assisted living facility. I'm glad she's content where she is. I'm kind of ticked off that she didn't think to give me a call, but that's par for the course with her, so I let it roll off my back.

I move into my new apartment in just 15 days, and am SO EXCITED that I have a good portion of my life back! Now if I could just sleep for 7 hours in a row, that'd be great.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8765282
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 8:08 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

So glad she is happy in her new place. That must be such a relief for you!!

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3001   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8765287
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 12:58 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Yipeeee!!!! So happy for you that things are going well.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19606   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8765374
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