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Off Topic :
How am I “supposed” to feel?

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 Tanner (original poster member #72235) posted at 12:26 AM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

We had a neighbor an older man, never married no kids. He was a war veteran suffered from PTSD. Super nice man when we met him, he gave my Son a very nice rod & reel and was always friendly with me and my family. He passed away yesterday.

Another neighbor had a kid 8 years old and he was bully, just a mean kid. Most people in the community wouldn’t let this kid around their kids. The parents of the bully are very protective of him. He’s a little angel 😇 They were good friends of ours.

About a year ago, I see the bully at the park beating on an autistic kid. I was driving into the community (past the park). The autistic boy was on the ground and the bully slammed a basketball on his head and was kicking him. I jump out and yell STOP!!! Told the bully to go home the boy with autism was holding his head but ran from me.

When the victims dad got home I went to him and told him what I saw. He asked his Son and he was afraid to tell his dad but told him exactly what I saw.

They go to attackers mom and the boy admitted to doing exactly what I and the victim witnessed, they all worked it out, shook hands and made up. The matter was solved and over.

However, the bully’s mother unfriended us on Facebook. Our texts to her went unanswered. She did the same to victims parents also. She absolutely ghosted us.

But the neighbor, veteran guy, got very angry. It had absolutely nothing to do with him. He went and threatened the victims dad then messaged me and said "don’t let me catch you outside". He unfriended us on Facebook then wrote a terrible post, I couldn’t respond to.

Tanner is liar and has no integrity, he is falsely accusing an innocent kid. Tanner you are a liar and an asshole, don’t let me catch you outside. It got bad he would sit in front of our house (just a minute or so) just staring, my W was scared of him. He was stalking her when I was gone, he was doing it to the victims family also. We finally got the authorities involved and a few weeks later he moved away.

I learned that he died yesterday of a massive heart attack. I have to say, meh, my life goes on. I have never felt that way about anyone, but like I’ve said before, death doesn’t make anyone a saint, bad people, and assholes die every day. My W says I shouldn’t feel that way, he’s someone’s family and someone loved him. Well count me out. A lot of people in the community are posting positive things about him and I wouldn’t dare say anything publicly, but death doesn’t make me feel any better about him.

This is the only place I can get that off my chest. Thanks

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2007   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8762137
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number4 ( member #62204) posted at 1:45 AM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

Ugh!

I disagree with your wife. We can feel both ways; we can realize that there's no need for ourselves to grieve for someone who dies that we don't hold in a good regard. Yet, we can always feel bad for the family and people who did love him, for their loss. There's a reason for the term 'complicated grief'.

Not sure what he died of, but it's very possible that he had some sort of brain disorder on top of the PTSD, and was not his true kind self (that you knew initially). His behavior of late could have easily arisen from some congenital disorder that made him paranoid, or something else. You were right to be wary of his behavior and get the authorities involved. We've seen hundreds of times how people with severe mental illness can go off of the deep end if not treated. If he had no close family to monitor his symptoms, then he was unlikely going to seek treatment on his own.

I'm sorry the autistic kid had to go through this, and that it caused so much discord in your community. But yea, nothing wrong with not feeling anything about his death, while also feeling some sympathy for those who did love him.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1086   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8762147
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 7:17 AM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

Thanks for stepping in for the boy who was being hurt.

A mentally ill next door neighbor used to do all sorts of destructive things. Mostly go after our tires but all sorts of mean stuff and lies. Then play the good guy to other neighbors. How do I feel now he's gone? Relief!!!!

Death comes for us all. It's the living who suffer. His problems kept him from peace of mind and gave stress to others. I wouldn't want to carry that to the other side.

Keep doing what you know in your heart is best. Nothing goes by forgotten. Everything you do makes a difference. Every thing you do to grow in spirit goes with you after your time here is done.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2507   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8762176
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getbusyliving ( member #71058) posted at 10:24 AM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

What an awful bully of a neighbour that guy became to you and your wife. I am all for trying to understand other people's models of the world, but he just sounded like a complete dickhead. You have a lot of empathy Tanner. I read it in your kind comments to others here on SI, so glad you are not wasting your energy on this person. SI is a great, safe place to vent about it.

BS:54 (me). WS:54. together 30 yrs on DD1 March 2017.

TT /lies until DD2 July 2017OL,P, EA, Sex workers.

Dates known: 1991, 2004, 2009, 2011, 2016, 2017.

posts: 100   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2019   ·   location: Aotearoa /NZ
id 8762185
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:22 PM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

Couple of thoughts....
Feel the way you want to feel, and the neighbor/bully doesn't deserve any respect or honor.

However the veteran that passed, make sure you reach out to your local chapter of Honor Guard to honor him when he is laid to rest if he has a funeral.

We too had a Nam Vet that lived next door to us. He was in incredibly poor health. When he passed it was pretty sad, but we were unable to honor him because his family chose no funeral.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19606   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8762200
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 1:32 PM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

I'm sorry your wife had to be terrorized in her own house by this old crank. As a woman, it is extremely disturbing to hear about his behavior.

That said, what I'm about to say in no way excuses his behavior or is to make you feel guilted into feeling sorry for him.

My friend's dad started getting cranky in his late 50's after he retired. Most of us put it down to him finding his way into the new phase of life. It was a complete surprise to my friend and his family though, when he dropped down into a coma on the way to one of their family friend's ordination mass. His dad remained in a coma for a few months while his organs slowly shut down.

Doctors found the cause to be from plaque build up in his arteries becoming dislodged, causing a massive stroke in his brain. Bits of plaque had been shedding off his arteries for weeks, making his brain a bit deprived of oxygen and thus increasing his irritability.

Not saying this is what happened to your neighbor, but I'm wondering if between the delusional parents and his impending heart failure, he went off the rails.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 894   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8762204
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 Tanner (original poster member #72235) posted at 10:38 PM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

Thanks for the responses. I have considered his service and the lasting affects from the injuries. I always told him how much I appreciate his service to our country. We have never had words between us, we never had a face to face blow up. He came at me on SM after blocking me. I have always taken the high road, but stalking my house and scaring my Wife is too far. We did not tell anyone else other than the victims parents, they were being stalked also.

Last night I learned from a neighbor he had threatened other neighbors and had other run ins with the authorities. Also heard the reason he got involved with the bully situation was because he had an unhealthy obsession with bully’s mom. Bully’s dad was working across the country and came home one weekend a month. The mom is in her mid 30’s and the man is around 70. He was always running errands for her and she took advantage of him. He followed her around like a lost puppy dog. I actually saw that for myself. When the situation at the park happened, he had to play KISA. It all makes sense now.

Thankfully the bullies family moved across county to be with Dad so the community is calm now.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2007   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8762285
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:07 AM on Thursday, October 27th, 2022

Glad you got an explanation- the old geezer was being used by the bully’s mom. That family is really some bad news and I am glad they are no longer in your neighborhood.

And you owe no one anything. feel what you feel. And it can be complicated and contradictory — because people are complicated and contradictory.

And thank you for helping the other kid— just proof of your kindness and goodness.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5101   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8762336
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 Tanner (original poster member #72235) posted at 1:46 AM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

A neighbor came to me today and said that the man had regrets for "taking the wrong side" in the situation. He was afraid to apologize to me because he had blown it.

He had a full military service in the Dallas National Cemetery. RIP Brother, I have forgiven you, we are good now!!!

I needed this.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2007   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8765053
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 2:08 AM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

Thanks for updating, Tanner. It's sad that he couldn't say anything before he passed, but I'm glad your neighbor was able to pass along the info.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1490   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8765058
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