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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Divorce/Separation :
The only thing that stopped my obsession of the A was leaving

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 crazyblindsided (original poster member #35215) posted at 9:14 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2022

I still cannot believe that is what ended my obsession with the A for good. I thought about it every single day because I was around the perpetrator. Since leaving I have been able to put it in the past. It doesn't hurt me or keep me up at night anymore. No more crazy triggers that bring me back to that place like when I was still with xWS. Knowing what I know now I would never entertain giving a person a second chance. At least I know myself well enough that my mind cannot let things go when I'm still around the person who committed the act. I'm not sure I would have gotten over it even if xWS had been remorseful. I could have saved myself a lot of years of pain and ruminating knowing what I know now about myself. I feel bad the M ended that my xWS hurts from it. Feel bad for my kids who suffered through it and struggle with life post D. I still hurt from shattered dreams of what could have been, but the A doesn't have any hold on me anymore. A's are so damaging more than anything I have ever experienced in my life.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8358   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8761357
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 11:59 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2022

Well infidelity is a real trauma

That’s why people can develop PTSD.

I’ve heard it in several places but apparently when someone in the military suffers a real trauma in combat the first thing they do is remove them from the war zone.

That’s why there is some advise that cheating is the end of your relationship 100% no exceptions.

Hell even some of the more pro reconciliation sources say that no marriage and no children there is no chance for reconciliation.

I’m glad you are doing better. This will always bother you a little. I heard a guy say recently after 11 years he still gets a little trigger from summer at the beach because that’s where his marriage ended.

But he’s remarried and doing better.

So will you. I have no doubt about it.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8761376
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:20 PM on Friday, October 21st, 2022

I still remember the RELIEF I felt after my 1st H left me for the 2nd adultery co-conspirator I caught him with. I truly believe this was why I had NO emotion at all when my 2nd H confessed to his A and I immediately told him the M was over. My lizard brain knew what to do and instinctively acted when the rest of me was still in shock from what I had just heard.

We ended up going for R...but it was really hard knowing that I could alleviate all of the pain if I just got away from the source of my pain...HIM. Oddly...having to deal with THIS A gave me a sense of healing that I hadn't done from the multiple A's in my 1st M. Since you were able to process things...THEN leave...you are probably leaps and bounds BETTER than I was smile . I carried a slow but still festering wound for over 3 decades by not processing the pain before.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6324   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8761470
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MegMeg ( member #79978) posted at 11:09 AM on Saturday, October 22nd, 2022

It is absurd we turn to the very person who harms us for healing.

Sometimes I am reminded teaching kids to water ski. An important part of that lesson is to tell them to let go of the rope when they fall. It is natural to try to cling to that rope and be dragged through the water face first, thinking you need to hold on for salvation. Yet the opposite is true. Simply let go of the rope and dragging will end.

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years

posts: 81   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Pulling myself out of the mire
id 8761649
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Jimmy1962 ( member #59923) posted at 3:15 PM on Monday, October 24th, 2022

Wow sorry you are here! After being here over 10 years and 8345 posts you decide to divorce.

DDay 7-20-17 Found about 10 month physical affair that my wife had back in 97 & 98
I thought that I was going to die!
Trying to reconcile.
Infidelity is to marriage as Roundup is to plants.

posts: 641   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2017   ·   location: Kentucky
id 8761881
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 8:09 PM on Monday, October 24th, 2022

I had a similar experience.

I no longer view my ex-wife as someone who cheated on me. She's my ex-wife and any issues that I have with her are due to what happened after we decided to get divorced, not before.

A's are so damaging more than anything I have ever experienced in my life.

In hindsight, I blame myself for so much of the damage inflicted on me by her A. I should have just divorced her the moment that she admitted to cheating on me. Instead, I stuck around, tried to reconcile, and let her continue to emotionally abuse me. I should have had better boundaries. It would have hurt; it would have sucked, but I would have remained true to myself.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5316   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8761931
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 crazyblindsided (original poster member #35215) posted at 9:48 PM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

In hindsight, I blame myself for so much of the damage inflicted on me by her A. I should have just divorced her the moment that she admitted to cheating on me.

I feel very much the same way. My thinking was very much save the M at all costs and stick it out for the kids. I still don't know if I would have been a good candidate for R even if my xWS was remorseful because my intrusive thoughts were debilitating and I definitely took it out on xWS. I'm not sure I was able to handle it. I was very verbally abusive to him after the A. He wasn't remorseful and I wasn't about to let it go or let him go unpunished. I made sure we both suffered. I know I'm not cut out for working on anything after infidelity. It must have been a dealbreaker. I too wish I knew my own boundaries better at the time.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8358   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8762109
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 crazyblindsided (original poster member #35215) posted at 9:50 PM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

After being here over 10 years and 8345 posts you decide to divorce.

Better late than never I guess laugh

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8358   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8762111
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 6:30 PM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

I still don't know if I would have been a good candidate for R even if my xWS was remorseful because my intrusive thoughts were debilitating and I definitely took it out on xWS.

This is very insightful. Good job.

One trap that I have, in general, is that I don't set good boundaries, I do too much for someone else, and then I get resentful if they don't reciprocate
or they don't appreciate what I do. You might want to consider if this applies to you (based on what you wrote).

I often read about how wayward spouses don't appreciate the "gift" of reconciliation when it is offered by a betrayed spouse. That mentality is very dangerous for me.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5316   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8762254
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realitybites ( member #6908) posted at 1:11 PM on Saturday, October 29th, 2022

The below is something that I believe no "newly betrayed" BS can understand. The shock of it all, the pain, the craziness of the situation takes so much time to absorb for a freshly wounded BS. I believe there are way more BS's on here that have taken back their WS with no idea or possibly any acceptance in their own minds of what they are doing or what they are taking back, all they know is that they want to try. Now don't get me wrong, for those of the very few who have successfully reconciled then this does not apply, but I do think that it just takes a damn long time for some BS's to accept that what they are trying to save is just not savable. Or you can have a WS who just becomes so much better at hiding things, will outright lie over and over, gaslight the BS and wear one mask at home and a different one to the outside world. We see it all the time on here and the very smartest and brightest BS's can be fooled by someone who tells you they love you yet turns around and keeps silently stabbing you in the back.

But having said that, yes I do agree very much with the statement below.

In hindsight, I blame myself for so much of the damage inflicted on me by her A. I should have just divorced her the moment that she admitted to cheating on me. Instead, I stuck around, tried to reconcile, and let her continue to emotionally abuse me. I should have had better boundaries. It would have hurt; it would have sucked, but I would have remained true to myself.

For me I lost a mother to cancer when I was a teenager, I had an alcoholic father who basically abandoned me after that so I was on my own, I scraped and clawed my way to what I felt was a better life, I had 2 beautiful children, I educated myself and got a better job that brought in more income for our family. I truly never saw that my H at the time, who by the way would tell me he was cheering me on and wanted me to succeed, was silently doing other things behind my back when I was not looking. His fault, his choices I know that now, but at the time he WAS telling me to go for it, he WAS acting like he cared for us all, but he was leading a whole separate life. So it was a shock, not a shock now many years later, but at that time it was very much a shock.

However I digress, I will say that I now SOOOOOOOOO wish that I had been strong enough to just cut the cord. I wish I would have just filed for a D and taken the hit at that time. Absolutely. 100% No question. I think I would be a much happier person now and yes I agree that it is too hard to heal for many when you keep the perpetrator of the crime right in front of you.

Stop expecting loyalty from people who cannot even give you honesty.

He stopped being my husband the first time he cheated. It took me awhile to understand that I was no longer his wife.

posts: 6906   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2005   ·   location: florida
id 8762759
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Gumdropped ( member #40798) posted at 4:50 AM on Thursday, November 3rd, 2022

Looking back on 10 years of staying with my cheater, I have realized that had I cut the cord immediately I would have saved myself from a crippling relationship with a covert narcissist. I had the strength to kick him totally out of my life last November. The obsessing is not good for our health. Don’t just concentrate on the cheating. More often than not it isn’t the only issue. He was a chronic liar about all aspects of his life. More hurtful to me, and I will spend the rest of my life repairing, is the way he affected my family and grandchildren. I had no idea that his behaviour was literally starting to make my sons and their families distance themselves from me. A very happy ending however, now that I am free my family is as well and we are thriving and having a WONDERFUL life. Now the only obsession I have is enjoying the freedom from my past life with some one who will never change.

Me: 63 Him 67 finally kicked him out Dec 2021

posts: 786   ·   registered: Sep. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 8763366
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