SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello friends,

Back in 2007/2008 I was signing into this site a LOT. It was a godsend for me. My husband had an affair that completely blindsided me and resulted in me packing up my bags with two young children and moving back to the USA so that I could heal without him around.

It was horrible but over time, I crawled my way out of the hole. I slowly built back up my self-esteem, dated again, fell in love again, and had some break ups.

I am now living with a man in a committed relationship. He seemed to be very straightforward in the beginning. He has always done what he says, is generous, consults me when making decisions,... really I have nothing to complain about except.... he has been single for a long time, never married, and has a lot of ex girllfriends and keeps in touch with most of them.
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In my past relationships after the WS and I split, I was not jealous -- maybe because the relationships were never that serious. But this time, I am besides myself and I don't know how to handle my feelings.

There are two women in particular that he keeps in contact with that I really feel are not friends of the relationship. One is a woman who knows about me but sends him photos of herself continuously. The other, to my knowledge, might not know about me...

How can I handle my feelings and not overreact? I honestly feel sick to my stomach each time I see a text come in from these women. I have never had this feeling since my marriage ended with other relationships but I am suffering so much.

He believes he is doing nothing wrong because he says he has no intention of leaving me or having sex with these women. Believe it or not, I believe him but I still can-t get over this sick feeling. I can not eat or function when I am triggered, but he does not understand how traumatic it was. He says that these women are just part of his past, are friends only, and are important because they are part of his past.

Has anyone had this experience? I thought that I got through my WS affair out to the other side but am starting to bellieve that I am seriously damaged from what he did to me.... or that my antenna can not be trusted.

I just don't know.

Hi TC,

I remember your name as I too have been around here a long time.

I can relate to your feelings. After my divorce I dated my xhighschool boyfriend for almost 4 years. Same history somewhat, never married, but had been in (2) 4-5 year relationships. Of course he had dated quite a few people over the years...and seemed to keep in minimal touch or over social media with the vast majority of them.

It took me a while to realize a "friend" usually meant a woman that he had some sort of physical history with. It triggered me often. He did not cheat on me, but also seemingly did not care enough to limit or end those interactions. When we broke up he tried to keep me as a friend too. I admit that I had hoped we would get back together. After about 2-3 months he starting dating a woman, about 2 months later he made the decision to cut off all contact. I don't know if that was his decision or at her request, but that was 4+ years ago and NC is firmly in place. We had started "dating" at age 12, so he was a big part of all my teen years.

He later married this woman, so I believe that when it became important to him...he was willing to do whatever it took for that relationship to work.

I don't have many x's but I'm not in contact with any of them. Unless I need to speak with my xh-which is very rare.

I'm in a happy/committed/living together relationship. He has a pretty public profession and 2-3 xgf's that will make themselves obvious if we are in the same place. He wants zero to do with them and finds the whole thing creepy and embarassing.

We were out last night and a complete stranger slapped him on the ass-he didn't even realize it. I was standing about 2 feet away and called her out. She tried to deny and then lie saying she thought it was her female friend sorta leaning down to speak with someone. I checked her hard and told her to stay in her own lane and keep her hands to herself!!

I made it very clear when we started dating about my history and that I would never again be the cool (i.e. clueless) GF or wife--that didn't pay any attention or feel uneasy with my partner flirting, messaging, etc. with other women that are not a friend of the relationship.

The trauma cuts deep from this type of betrayal.

I am not sure where you go from where you are. I will say I am a female BS and I have a lot male friends, and am friends with several of the people I used to date (one I was even engaged to). There is nothing romantic going on with any of my male friends and there are two of them who are non negotiable in my world - meaning just because they have a penis does not mean I will extricate them from my life if I meet a man who isn’t okay with them. I won’t. And I make that known from the get go when I date someone. Always have.

I say all this for two reasons: 1) it is entirely possible to have friends of the opposite sex and not want to mess around with them (sorry billy crystal but I disagree as much as I love when Harry met sally) and 2) it is totally okay for YOU not be okay with his friendships. It just means he’s not the right one for you.

He could also be a cheating bastard with no boundaries…which is easy. But if his friendships make you uncomfortable then you can move on or ask him to cut them off. I’m not a fan of the latter as the result is uncomfortable no matter what he decides to do. I guess you could ask his important these people are to him and go from there but it is okay not to be okay. With that. I have always appreciated the guys who said they didn’t like my male friendships as I t allowed us to converse like adults and ultimately decide to move in different directions.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:35 PM, Monday, October 3rd]

I was cheated on by my ex-wife decades ago. I have had several significant relationships since my divorce. I am now in a very serious relationship. My contact with ex-girlfriends have dwindled considerably. My two most significant ex-girlfriends are Facebook friends where we have practically no contact. I would have absolutely no problem removing them as friends if my present girlfriend requests that I do so. Your boyfriend should be able to do the same with any ex-girlfriends that make you feel uncomfortable.

One of my ex-girlfriends would keep in touch with her ex-boyfriends. Her line to me was, "If I wanted to be with them I would, but I am with you so don't worry about it." As I found out later, she was a "monkey-brancher" who liked to keep her options open.

He certainly should be able to cut loose the two ex-girlfriends you are concerned about. The other interesting fact is that he has never been married but is in his mid-fifties. You are living together so it looks like he is capable of making some sort of long-term commitment. But he has never been married and if you are of that mindset, don't hold your breath.

What are the intentions of the two of you for the future? If it is marriage, it is time for him to say goodbye to these women. If he truly cherishes you he will almost gladly move on from these people. If he is unwillingly to do so, I don't blame you for feeling insecure. Certainly, what is up with the ex-girlfriend who doesn't even know he is in a committed relationship? What you decide to do about it depends on your ultimate expectations regarding the relationship and whether he shows you a clear commitment. Keeping lines of communication open with two of his ex's does bring into question how valuable he sees your connection.

Can men and women be friends? Sure, until they get married to other people. Your request is not unreasonable. Again, if he truly values what the two of you have, he should be able to jettison these women from his life. People do that all the time. I was jettisoned by a very close ex-girlfriend when she got married. I expected that to happen and it was totally warranted. Why can't he do that?

TortillaChip

About 2 years after my d-day and the termination of my engagement (after a 5-year relationship) I met my present wife. We have had a long and happy marriage with no infidelity. Our ups and downs, she has her faults (versus my no-fault… hehe), we argue, fight, make out, budget and pay bills… and basically do everything a married couple do. On a scale from 1 to 10 I would rate this marriage as 10 with occasional days of 0. Pretty normal.

About 13 years into the marriage, I realized that I was having all sorts of fears and worries… If she worked late I worried, if she wasn’t home I worried. I was monitoring stuff, hacked into her bank-account, phone account… All sorts of stuff that I really didn’t have reason or cause to do. We went through a very rough patch where I realized I was the initiator and the more argumentative.

At the same time, I realized I had some non-rational fears. I was always afraid when I saw a kid 5-6 years old anywhere near a road. Even playing in the garden with a fence between them and the road. I couldn’t see brains on TV or museums, couldn’t eat or see cauliflower (looks like brain…), felt unreasonable discomfort if anyone placed an arm around my shoulder…
I went to an IC to deal with these issues. I told him about the kid-fear and the brain-issue and the discomfort at touch. He quickly linked them to events I witnessed in law-enforcement. At first, I thought the semi-paranoia regarding my wife was due to my police training, but the IC corrected me and explained how that was residue from my ex-fiancés affair(s). He told me THAT trauma was bigger and more damaging than witnessing a dead child, cleaning up body-parts, being stabbed and breaking out of a kill-intended choke-hold.

For me knowing the why plus the methods the IC taught me to deal with these issues helped me heal in less than a month.

So I think I know what you are talking about, and I encourage you to seek help. The IC took about 3-4 sessions before I felt fine.

If he doesn’t think he’s doing "anything wrong" then the disrespect towards you will continue.

In a relationship you need to ask for things you need. If the request is reasonable, it should be honored IMO.

However, if you voice a concern (like I did decades ago) to my H that Miss She’s Just A Friend is in reality overstepping or poaching, and there is no acknowledgment, then THAT is the issue.

Because in my experience that means my H values the attention of someone else over my feelings. The fact that my H admitted he cheated on me with the "friend" to the second OW was a further issue for me.

It’s not whether he’s cheating. It’s whether he respects you enough. Period.

I am triggered by many things since being betrayed more than once. I deal with these things by communicating them and setting clear boundaries.

I see no problem setting boundaries and then both deciding if they can compromise or adjust to them. There are certain things I do not tolerate in a relationship and I am upfront about them in the beginning. I allow my partner to decide if it is something they can accept.

If it makes you that uncomfortable let him know and in my opinion if he wants things to work with you, he will work out a compromise.

I think it’s sorta strange to want to keep in touch with old girl friends when you move in with someone...Seems like he might need the attention, idk. Plus, your gut is screaming at you.
However, it’s a plus that he doesn’t hide the friendships from you, I guess.

I will say that it was sorta weird to me when one of the kids growing up on our block -when his wife went into his fb and unfriended all the grown women he grew up with.
So, I think there’s a difference in who you keep in contact with old friends vs old girlfriends.

Hello AnnieO, I remember your name too. Greetings.... it has been a long while

To everyone who also responded, I love you all. The collective wisdom of this group is inspiring.

I do believe it is incredibly hard for others outside of this unfortunate 'been-lied-to, cheated-on club' to understand the trauma that is caused by ongoing deception in a marriage or committed relationship. As AnnieO says 'The trauma cuts deep from this type of betrayal.' Amen to that sad bit of truth.

I feel like my boyfriend awakened a muscle memory and now I can't seem to stop my reaction. I am ashamed to say that, exactly as Bigger describes, I have gone into hyper-vigilance mode because I am not certain I can trust him. I have access to his emails and whenever possible am checking his Whatsapp. It is awful. I hate myself for this and I can't stop. He knows that I have access to his emails -- we got into a big fight about an email he sent to one of the women.

Maybe we should indeed not be together if he is triggering this kind of reaction in me. At times, when I see a text or emaill come in, I can't sleep very well and I have lost my appetite. Yet he is so amazing in many other ways and says he wants to work through it.

@Thisissolonely, as you said, insisting that he cut off the relationship feels really extreme to me and I am afraid that he will just go underground. These women seem to matter to him. .. (I have to explain a bit here to say that one is Ukrainian in Kiev and the other Russian in Moscow. They matter to him because he has a family history in these cities and he is very concerned about the war.) That said, they are very flirty women, probably desperate to get the heck out and seem very willing to take whatever he offers. He does not see it that way. Or does not want to acknowledge it.

Anyway, I have an appointment next week with a therapist because I am not sure how to handle all of this. We will also go to therapy -- once you have moved in with someone, everything becomes so entangled. I don't know what to do or if I should end things.

(With my WS so many years ago, I still regret not ending things sooner. I tried so hard to make that work and it was a wasted effort in the end.)

I have made notes with what you all have said and will think more.

Now I am rambling. Need to go eat dinner with the daughter.

Hugs to all and thank you. :(

Background is always helpful.

Stuff like this irritates me to no end as life isn't black and white:

I think it’s sorta strange to want to keep in touch with old girl friends when you move in with someone...Seems like he might need the attention, idk.

My ex fiancee and I broke off the engagement over 20 years ago but we owned property together (still do) so we kept in touch AND after the blowout of our cancelled nuptuals (our families were more difficult about it than we were) we were really great great FRIENDS. There was a reason that we were together for 7 years and most of that was friendship but we had become friends w/out benefits near then end and decided friendships were better. We moved on with other people and socialized with each other and partners and my WH and I even went on a group vacation with him and his then-GF (my friends were his friends - we initially met when he had lived in this country for about 3 weeks so I introduced him to all my friends and alas he is friends with all of them still too). There is no funky wife swapping or flirting or anything inappropriate. We genuinely like each other and my WH and I actually invested in property with him that we still all own. We don't hang out all the time but I talk to him every month or two and I have asked him for advice on work and family stuff - in fact the only thing we don't talk about is our romantic relationships - like we NEVER have. It works for us and if I were to meet someone who wasn't okay with him in the picture then it's not going to work. My other good male friend from college (who is actually best friends with my ex-fiancee still lol) is the other non-negotiable one. That's the way it is.

I don't NEED The attention in that I am desperate for attention from men. I want the attention because we are good friends.

That being said, it sounds like maybe that is not the case with the OP and her BF - but even if it is and she is not okay with it, that's okay not to be okay. Trauma and residual whiplash from infidelity is long lasting and life altering. Saying your not okay and letting the chips fall as they may is all part of that trying not to control the outcome.

However, if you voice a concern (like I did decades ago) to my H that Miss She’s Just A Friend is in reality overstepping or poaching, and there is no acknowledgment, then THAT is the issue.

Because in my experience that means my H values the attention of someone else over my feelings.

At first I was a bit incensed about 1stW's comment about valuing someone else over the feelings of someone they are dating - but I agree to an extent. I do value my 30 year relationships with my ex-fiancee and my college friend a LOT - and in the end, I never wanted to be with someone who wanted me to choose precisely because it is not something I would do. I mean choosing to cut off a 30-year friend for someone I have been dating for a few months? A year? Not in my world. If I am up front with them - from the get go - that these are my friends and if you aren't okay with them then I'm sorry but it won't work with us - then I have done all I can.

But I think TortillaChip - you are doing the right thing - talk about it and if you are unsatisfied with the response, you have some decisions to make about staying in the relationship or not based on what he says. You can't change your feelings overnight!

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:07 PM, Tuesday, October 4th]

He believes he is doing nothing wrong because...

There's no right or wrong here, if you ask me. This is about the relationship. The fact that his behavior is triggering for you "should" be of concern to him if he is serious about you and a future together. If he cannot understand that the trauma you experienced was very real and very powerful, then perhaps he is not ready or able for a serious relationship.

Please don't berate yourself for what you're going through. While we may eventually heal from traumas, those experiences become a part of who we are, for better or worse. There is nothing "wrong" with you, your reactions, or your desire to feel safe, trust and be at peace.

Ok, so the two ex-girlfriends are flirty with your partner and one of them doesn't even know that you exist. You suspect that each would like to rekindle something, if only to facilitate their permanent departure from their respective countries. I think that any woman, whether or not cheated on previous, would feel extremely uncomfortable with this setup. It is certainly disrespectful to you. Also, his lack of concern for your justified angst is troublesome. But you say he is a wonderful partner, so I will leave it at that.

It comes down to a question of boundaries. That needs to be worked out between the two of you. But the nature of your relationship and where it is headed must be addressed. He is in his mid fifties and never has been married. Exactly where does he see the relationship going? Is it the same path you envision? Why didn't his other relationships work out? How long were they? How did they end? Why did the relationships with the two ex-girlfriends in question end? What is different about your relationship that indicates a different outcome? Bluntly, if he sees your relationship as permanent, disengaging from these two ex-girlfriends is appropriate and a no-brainer. Continued contact isn't justifiable, especially given that neither one of these women seem to be clued in or accept that he is taken. Your partner is probably getting an ego boost from the attention but it should not be at the expense of your psyche.

[This message edited by src9043 at 10:25 PM, Tuesday, October 4th]

You’ve all been so helpful. I have been coming back to re-re-read the comments here and you all have helped clarify my feelings. You all have put into words my thoughts, concerns, anxieties that I was unable to articulate

I have written down how I feel into a sort of letter which I will give to him tonight.

Wish me luck. 😬😬