SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I opened a thread a while back on Duplicity vs Cognitive Dissonance which helped me process those concepts a bit more. The contributors there were very helpful.

The next topic Ive been reflecting lately concerning the long lasting impact of infidelity on my life, is what Im calling, "Trauma Multipliers." These are factors in and around the actual infidelity that exponentially increase the negative impact of the betrayal on the Betrayed.

There were two of these for me:

1. The betrayal happened with my supposed best friend as the OM. Due to my fractured upbringing (to put it mildly), I had a hard time making friends growing up and was a bit of a loner. When I made a friend that I thought would be like another Brother AND thought Id found the woman of my dreams, It felt like Id hit the jackpot! Truly. Then, when I found out that they had betrayed me with each other, my world crashed in. Hard to describe the magnified emotional impact of infidelity with this factor.

2. The fact that my wife and I were first and onlys up to the affair. Also very hard to deal with.

Ive had to process these trauma multipliers over the years as almost seperate entities entirely. Id spend therapy sessions just on these.

In the interest of shared learned wisdom, anyone want to contribute their infidelity "trauma multipliers" and how you learned to "deal and heal"?

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:36 PM, Friday, September 30th]

DT.

You have been heard.

Double betrayal is hard.

My heart breaks for you and your situation.

Please hang in there.

One day at a time.

Your story is very hard, sorry you went through it.

Not out of the woods yet since it's been just a year, but here goes my version:

1. Double betrayal, with a good friend of 10+ years.

2. stbxW said she felt more alive in that affair than ever with me.

3. stbxW blame-shifting and guilt-tripping till this day - "The affair is a result of our relationship", "I'm sorry, but stop blaming me for everything". We only talk through text because of that, and only about kids. I was by no means great, but I was in it for life and did the best I knew.

4. Getting an apology from the AP - feeling that it was done to please his wife during R.

What helps:

1. I am in IC for the first time in my life.

2. Meditation and weight lifting

3. It also helped that I could buy a new house and move out to avoid arguments and triggering caused by the old envoronment.

[This message edited by ZDZD at 10:17 PM, Sunday, October 30th]

ZDZD

Man, I am so sorry you are facing this. Yes, the circumstances you are describing are exactly what I am talking about.

Ive heard other Betrayeds talk about the fact that their recovery (whether tgey D'd or R'd) took longer because of these "trauma multipliers".

How long have you been in IC? Do you feel the special circimstances have increased the negative impact of the infidelity?

Strength to you brother.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:05 AM, Saturday, October 1st]

Dorothy123

Thank you.

Wanted to add that all trauma is freaking traumatic because it's happening to you! I hate to minimize anyone's pain because it all sucks.

Buuuuuut...

That being said, I've read things that stood out to me over my years here. I don't feel that my own situation had any multipliers as it feels like one huge sh$t show when I think back, but other people's stories horrified me. Like, I could not stop thinking about their stories and their pain! So traumatic.

There was the BW who found out her H was cheating...with their future daughter-in-law! I can't remember the exact details, but she had to watch her devastated son call off the engagement. AND she decided she could never reconcile with her H. AND she realized that her son and his father would never have a relationship again. Awful. The layers of pain that woman was facing--no words.

There was the BH who woke up to find his WW missing. He found her on the living room couch, having sex with their neighbor. He crept closer and closer to them, unable to believe what was happening. He was in the room with them, listening to the moaning and panting, for a good 15 minutes. Then he slowly crept out. My memory says that he did not confront? Or he confronted but let them pretend that nothing was happening? It was an awful, heart-wrenching story of immobilizing fear and inaction.

I do think that these multipliers, as you call them, add difficulty to the recovery. How could they not? But life is a solo journey; no two journeys are the same. Some have it easier, harder, and everything in between. And it's definitely not fair. I was stuck on this point for a long, long time. Fairness is a really big thing for me, and injustice really bothers me. It causes my brain to ruminate and work overtime because I can't find the sense or logic. When I finally just accepted the illogical, random unfairness of it--which took years--I found peace. Life just is. So we do our very best and take pride in that, holding on to what brings us joy. And then we let go of the things we simply cannot have (i.e. perfection, a problem-free life, idealized fantasies, unblemished pasts). We cannot have it all. That's just how it is. Life is messy.

Getting older involves a lot of letting go, no matter who you are. Letting go of marriages, romantic notions, the idea of perfection, pedestals, innocence, naivete, fantasies, entitlements, dreams??? Idk...yes! And no. It's for each person to decide. But with age comes acceptance of things we'd rather not accept. I know that now.

Good luck to you.

Hey OIN

I don't feel that my own situation had any multipliers as it feels like one huge sh$t show when I think back, but other people's stories horrified me. Like, I could not stop thinking about their stories and their pain! So traumatic.

It IS a shyteshow....all of it.

There was the BW who found out her H was cheating...with their future daughter-in-law! I can't remember the exact details, but she had to watch her devastated son call off the engagement. AND she decided she could never reconcile with her H. AND she realized that her son and his father would never have a relationship again. Awful. The layers of pain that woman was facing--no words.

I remember her horrific story and the tremendous support she got here. It was one of the worse multiple-betrayals-at-the-same-time stories Ive read. I hope that lady recieved a LOT of support and was able to move on from her exPOS with strength and healing. My god.

There is a quote, I think from Bigger, that really rings true when he said something like, "The worse betrayal story is the one that hapoened to you."

That said, I see these multipliers/magnifiers like seperate impact craters on the soul, each of which needs to be dealt with.

The fact that I screwed up the post A years with rug sweeping and minimizing (my learned modus operendi), made all of these things far worse. Combine it all and I stretched out my healing journey like saltwater taffy. Ive come a long way yet have farther to go.

We cannot have it all. That's just how it is. Life is messy

.

You got that right, but, I wanna see how close I can get.

Acceptance.....my eternal foe.

Thanks OIN.

My own story is small compared to many here but it does contain a double betrayal and that compounded the hurt for sure. It was many years ago, I decided to keep my romantic relationship and we eventually married successfully but I lost a 5 year friendship with a guy I was close to and, by association, another friendship that was equally as long. I made a decisive cut with the two friends but kind of rugswept with my then GF.

What you call trauma multipliers seem to vary significantly between people. One person's significant multiplier may get glossed over by someone else. To the degree that one BS may D over something that doesn't really stand out to another BS. Double betrayal is probably universal as a multiplier but not all things are.

Others I have found painful reading about or hearing from friends include:

Trash talking the BS, particularly to the AP. Comparing the BS to AP.
Saying & writing I love you to the AP
Sex in your house and particularly sex in your bed
Providing types of sex to the AP that the BS was never offered or worse, rejected for
Texting and calling AP when present with BS. Particularly when on vacation, holiday or even right after sex with BS
Sex with BS right after sex with AP. Including in some cases oral for the WW, which is unbelievable.

I'd like to think that I'd D with any of those but I've come to believe that you don't know what you would really do until it happens to you.

Trdd

What you call trauma multipliers seem to vary significantly between people. One person's significant multiplier may get glossed over by someone else. To the degree that one BS may D over something that doesn't really stand out to another BS. Double betrayal is probably universal as a multiplier but not all things are.

Very true. As Ive reflected on my betrayal over the years, Ive come to grips with the fact that my FoO issues also played a big part in how I dealt with my betrayal(s), or didnt. My learned coping mechanism growing up was one step above emotional survival mode. There was so much trauma to process that I minimized, rug swept, kept a stiff upper lip and slogged on. Its all I knew to do back then. This was, of course, a recipe for failure. When the impact of all of it boomeranged on me, it was extremely traumatic.

Others I have found painful reading about or hearing from friends include:

Trash talking the BS, particularly to the AP. Comparing the BS to AP.
Saying & writing I love you to the AP
Sex in your house and particularly sex in your bed
Providing types of sex to the AP that the BS was never offered or worse, rejected for
Texting and calling AP when present with BS. Particularly when on vacation, holiday or even right after sex with BS
Sex with BS right after sex with AP. Including in some cases oral for the WW, which is unbelievable.

Gah!!! All of these are sooooo toxic to the BS. The gorge rose in my throat as I read that list.

I read a quote from a BH who was a former marine who said that betrayals like this are like being in a foxhole with a fellow marine, a "fire team" if you will, doing battle together every day. Suddenly, your partner turns, stabs you in the back, through the heart with a poisoned combat knife. I thought that was apropos.

Did you do anything beside IC to process your trauma?

Thanks again.

I was in the Army when it happened, LDR. I was boxing so it fueled my workouts and matches. That helped some. But I didn't talk about it to anyone then except for my best friend and even him I witheld it from a while. Until he said "lets get together with so and so when you get home" and then I had to let him know what happened. And it was before sites like this existed.

Trdd

I was boxing so it fueled my workouts and matches. That helped some. But I didn't talk about it to anyone then except for my best friend and even him I witheld it from a while. Until he said "lets get together with so and so when you get home" and then I had to let him know what happened.

Got it.

I turtled up for quite a while too. Another thing that prolonged the healing curve.

And it was before sites like this existed.

I hear that. There wasnt anything like SI back when I was slogging through this crap. Im old(ish)

Doble,

What's your goal with this post?

If it's to beat yourself up for not knowing how to heal from being betrayed, I think you're doing yourself a disservice. No one is prepared to deal with this. We all have to find our own way through the pain. We all make mistakes. Give yourself a break. Give yourself a lot of breaks.

OTOH, if your goal is something like identifying the traumas and the pain associated with them so you can process the pain our of your body, go for it. I know how bad my W's betrayal was; I just cannot and will not think about how bad a double betrayal would have been.

If your goal is some of each, I urge you to focus on your healing and to celebrate that.

(Of course, you could have other goals. Whatever they are, they're probably a mix of positive and negative stuff, and I urrge you to emphasize the positive stuff. Be sad about the wrong turns; celebrate the ones that work.)

I'm with OIN and Trdd when we talk about comparing As and the WS's actions. I do not and will not minimize any BS's pain - but some stories are more horrific than others.

No matter what, we owe it to ourselves to survive and thrive. Living a good life is the best revenge.

Hey sisoon

What's your goal with this post?

As with my other post dealing with duplicity and cognitive dissonance, my purpose here is to tap into cumulative wisdom born of like experience(s). I have been through a lot of IC on this but have never reached out to a group like this on these important topics (Didnt even know this place existed until a year or two ago).

The death of my friend over their infidelity really rattled my cage and shook loose a lot of these memories and thoughts. Its actually what brought me here and I have gained a LOT of good perspective. In the present, its helping me to "sweep out the corners" of my mind, so to speak. Witness some of the things HO contributed on my prvious post that I am still ruminating on. As to the past, it has reinforced how badly I screwed up in the days, months and years following my betrayal which has allowed me to be much more assertive in my cautions to others....something I wish to god Id done with my friend.

In short, I wish to learn. To grow. And yes, to heal even more.

No matter what, we owe it to ourselves to survive and thrive.

Indeed.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:13 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

Hi DT,

Fellow far-from-having-arrived-traveler here.

I hope this isn't too much of a threadjack, but...

How did you process the "first and onlies" thing?

Asking...umm...for a friend...

WH