Well, that two year and seven day relationship is over. It's sad how patterns of behavior creep into a relationship until one time too many takes its toll. She was a good one but I also have to acknowledge the red flags and differences that were there all along. Me touchy feely her not at all. Me wanting to grow closer through things like Gottman relationship cards her no way. My issues from the infidelity in the second marriage her with issues from three husbands.
Early in the relationship I had suggested the weekly Gottman State of the Union meetings. I saw it as something I needed to stay ahead of issues in a healthy manner. She's not the relationshippy type in that regard so we didn't do it. I think I've been harboring a growing resentment over some basic relationship stuff that manifested itself with anger and contempt. Not good. Just the example from above a few weeks back, not letting me know she arrived at her daughters, is so simple but it hurt too. I've had this growing feeling on not being important to her. I've become hyper-sensitive to stuff and yep, I would lash out.
Last week she was out of town at a business event and pretty good about letting me know she was ubering and all. I know she was busy and preoccupied and I was trying to give her space. The final day we texted a few times throughout day. In that spirit of the building feelings of not being important to her I haven't historically gotten a lot of effort on her end showing interest, let's call it - she would do it, but it more often than not was focused on her life. she's routinely very preoccupied with work, her kids her high maintenance been friend, and family. My life is much simpler. The final night after no effort to ask how I was, or a "what's going on? She let me know she was going to dinner and how tired she was followed by text a few hours later letting me know she was back and how tired she was. It just struck me wrong, of all the things to text at the end of the day a reiteration of how tired she was. I really just needed a bit toward connection to ask how was I? It's been almost non-existent lately. And off we went to the races...
So as good as we were, we weren't. I'm in full on post relationship mode. Of the things I'm writing down of why the break up is a good thing I'm seeing things like lack of emotional intimacy, workaholic, addictions to Tik Tok and searches of French Provincial furniture, marriage phobic, all the basic courtesy stuff, routine quotes from any one of her three husbands her really high maintenance bff who she has to go to her house out of state monthly to help manage her friends life... even not talking with me or telling me we were moving in together at the end of her current lease. Prior to this when she renewed her lease she had told me she needed to be in her own place, which hurt because it really placed question in my mind about the future of the relationship - but ok - I respect that. and on and on. It's been alot.
And as I write this, I have to acknowledge all my own issues. Not coping well with growing resentment, I could have been more forgiving and handled our issues differently to include softer start ups. But we were just floating down the relationship path. We weren't dealing with core issues, we only dealt with the symptoms not the cause it all just built up. And maybe I'm making more out all "the issues" to protect myself from the fear of being hurt given all the things I've written about both on my list and here and other posts.
[This message edited by Kintsugi at 10:06 PM, Monday, October 10th]