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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

New Beginnings :
Relationship Courtesy Pulse Check

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 Kintsugi (original poster member #56710) posted at 11:18 PM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022

Hi all! Looking for a gut check of sorts. I'm in a two-year relationship, we live apart but not far from one another. It's been a bit of a self-awareness journey for me in that she's unique in the sense that she is very independent, guarded from divorces of her own - both emotionally as well sometimes in her interaction with me. It's been a learning experience but at the end of the day it works pretty well. After all, we all have a past.

One of our sticky points is what I'll call relationship courtesies. Things like for example, if you are driving several hours you let me know when you leave and when that you arrived ok. If you are getting into an Uber driving forty minutes or so going into the city by yourself, you let me know when you got in the car and when you arrive; just a simple text letting me know you're ok.

So the latter Uber example is happening as I write this. She was taking an Uber to see her sister in DC. I don't for a second question the event, but the protocol of it all leaves me a little off. Part of me completely gets her independent nature and that's totally cool. Another part is irked by no text either getting in the Uber or arriving at the destination. I offered to drive her and pick her up but she said she'd be ok and declined. I get it I actually felt wierd offering but Uber and Airbnbs give me the creeps.

We've talked about this in the past and we are definitely on opposite sides of the discussion. She thinks I'm being overly protective even high maintenance. I think she's being discourteous as her partner and dare I say unsafe. I'm retired law enforcement and I come from a place of believing the world can be a dangerous place. She's a city girl who has an air of invincibility. And I'll admit, sometimes it's a bit triggering.

So I guess I'm curious what's the norm? I understand every relationship is different, but I'm questioning my reality while trying to give her the space and it's a shitty feeling because I think it's such a simple thing to do for someone you care about and cares about you. This has been pretty much the norm in every other relationship for me it strikes me as odd. Thoughts?

Editing to add: Our protocol is one in which she wants me to text after I drop her off and arrive home at night which makes this all the more perplexing. We're nine minutes apart this is a 40 minute Uber with a stranger.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 12:52 AM, Friday, September 30th]

DDay 1 February 2014 - EA (probably PA)
DDay 2 October 2015 - PA in 2015
DDay 3 & 4 November 2015 - 2 PAs in 2014
And probably much more.
Attempted False R - Divorced January 2017 Happy New Year!

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2017
id 8757575
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 5:41 AM on Friday, September 30th, 2022

Yes, I think people in relationships definitely check in when arriving/departing from work on the way home, etc. I also think it’s wierd she wants you to let her know you’re home ok, but not that she got to where she was going with the Uber driver.,(In SC we had a college student killed by a fake Uber driver.)

Idk what to tell you bc my xh was like her-even b4 he was a cheater. Couldn’t understand calling me to let me know he was on the way home, if he was gonna be late, etc. mad It is simple courtesy, but some people don’t get it. sad

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5452   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8757613
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 11:53 AM on Friday, September 30th, 2022

Have you guys worked out a compromise since you posted here with this issue over a year ago?

WW/BW

posts: 2952   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8757658
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 5:46 PM on Friday, September 30th, 2022

My SO and I also live apart. He often struggles with my independence (like you, he would prefer to drive me places, but I'm fine on my own), but I would never deny him the courtesy of a text or message about arriving/departing somewhere. I understand your trepidation regarding Uber, as there have been several high-profile instances of harm. I get it.

Right now, my SO is headed to the Catskills for a long weekend of grouse hunting. Do I expect him to call/text when he arrives? Darn tootin'. It's not about control; it's about caring and courtesy in my book. I want to know he's safe, that the drive (8 hours) was uneventful and that he and his dog are okay. That's all.

Maybe you can have a discussion about this. It's not about her independence or self-sufficiency--it's about all the craziness in the world and your concern about her personal safety. Your profession also weighs in on this in a good way--you've likely seen your share of the ugliness of humanity and wish to know that she is safe from it.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33128   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Ohio
id 8757781
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 5:20 PM on Saturday, October 1st, 2022

My partner (of 7 years) and I also live apart. And I also fall to the more independent side of the spectrum. We generally text each other when we are leaving/arriving places, and definitely do if one of us asks the other to do so. I can't even imagine getting upset about that request and/or refusing to do it.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4986   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8757877
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Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 6:08 PM on Saturday, October 1st, 2022

I've been in relationships where it has been SOP to share when we get on the road or arrive, and relationships where it's not. My personal inclination is to check in, and I'm appreciative when my partner is the same. It's not a matter of a make-it-or-break-it, but I can tell you that I feel much more in tune with someone that is a check-in kinda guy.

If there are no other red flags, is it worth it to put up with it? Your call. But if it's just one red flag in your collection, maybe it's simply time to give her her independence and look for somebody more compatible.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8757881
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 7:05 PM on Saturday, October 1st, 2022

I think of it as does this fit for me?

It fits for some people. But not all.

I have had some horrible experiences in my life and it feels better when people in my life check in with me.
Let me know they got there and are safe.
And I return any courtesy they reasonably request.

I don't consider it controlling if someone asks.

I guess some people do and I am ok with that in friends. But I think intimate relationships are give and take....so I expect to give and ask for reasonable things.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1111   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8757887
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 Kintsugi (original poster member #56710) posted at 6:13 PM on Sunday, October 2nd, 2022

Have you guys worked out a compromise since you posted here with this issue over a year ago?

To summarize those posts from a year ago I posted about meeting her kids and I think the issue of girls night out every Friday night which bled into a similar topic of safety and letting me know she was ok/home.

I'm pretty much fully integrated into her kids life at this stage; even doing Thanksgiving with two of them. The girls night out every Friday night thing never really materialized. Life kicked in for both her and her friend and they both got super busy and an every week event turned into sporadic. In my mind it was a boundary issue for me (I have no issue with girls night out but EVERY Friday night was a boundary issue for me). Generally we haven't had these safety/check in issues but every now and then it arises and it feels like we're once again dealing with the same thing. She went to a wedding as her BFF plus one last night and things were mostly cool. While I didn't get a text in the Uber ride there I did get one on the way home. Honestly I wasn't really expecting one and I was ok with that with safety in numbers sort of thing. She sent a few texts during the event and getting one when they were on the way home and when they got was great. I wasn't even expecting texts during the wedding but it was nice getting them. As the Gottman's like to say, small things often go a long way.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 6:42 PM, Sunday, October 2nd]

DDay 1 February 2014 - EA (probably PA)
DDay 2 October 2015 - PA in 2015
DDay 3 & 4 November 2015 - 2 PAs in 2014
And probably much more.
Attempted False R - Divorced January 2017 Happy New Year!

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2017
id 8757966
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 8:32 PM on Sunday, October 2nd, 2022

She sounds like a good FF of mine: independent as a darn cat! Either that or your GF isn't as committed to the idea of 'you two as a couple' as she may have indicated?

I know my longtime-single friend hates even having an answering machine on her land line. She explained why: if somebody calls and she plays their message but doesn't want to call them back, she fears that next time she sees them, they will say "I called and left you a message..." and she doesn't like having to feign surprise about their call or tell them some story. She fears saying that she just didn't feel like calling them back.

So when I don't see her where we usually meet (church) I assume she is off doing her own thing, and I know if I call it's likely not going to get answered. She leaves her cell phone at home, too. She's a double divorcee who left both marriages (not for infidelity) and is an only child. It goes deep with her. She was down with Covid over a month last year, yet refused all her friends' calls for assistance or to run errands she may have needed; even her grown sons cannot get a hold of her when they csll to check in! Almost "contrary" as we used to say. Her longtime male buddy recently said he thought he was on her "avoid" list, as he hasn't heard from her. I told her he had said this, and she just blamed him for being a bit paranoid. She can't see how she comes across, is my point. Maybe this is how it will always be with your GF?

I think new relationships that aren't cemented into a commitment of some kind are so tricky.

I think it IS weird that she expects YOU to check in, however, yet not comfortable doing that for you. Ummm not sure I'd feel okay about that!

posts: 1549   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8757976
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 Kintsugi (original poster member #56710) posted at 9:16 PM on Monday, October 10th, 2022

Well, that two year and seven day relationship is over. It's sad how patterns of behavior creep into a relationship until one time too many takes its toll. She was a good one but I also have to acknowledge the red flags and differences that were there all along. Me touchy feely her not at all. Me wanting to grow closer through things like Gottman relationship cards her no way. My issues from the infidelity in the second marriage her with issues from three husbands.

Early in the relationship I had suggested the weekly Gottman State of the Union meetings. I saw it as something I needed to stay ahead of issues in a healthy manner. She's not the relationshippy type in that regard so we didn't do it. I think I've been harboring a growing resentment over some basic relationship stuff that manifested itself with anger and contempt. Not good. Just the example from above a few weeks back, not letting me know she arrived at her daughters, is so simple but it hurt too. I've had this growing feeling on not being important to her. I've become hyper-sensitive to stuff and yep, I would lash out.

Last week she was out of town at a business event and pretty good about letting me know she was ubering and all. I know she was busy and preoccupied and I was trying to give her space. The final day we texted a few times throughout day. In that spirit of the building feelings of not being important to her I haven't historically gotten a lot of effort on her end showing interest, let's call it - she would do it, but it more often than not was focused on her life. she's routinely very preoccupied with work, her kids her high maintenance been friend, and family. My life is much simpler. The final night after no effort to ask how I was, or a "what's going on? She let me know she was going to dinner and how tired she was followed by text a few hours later letting me know she was back and how tired she was. It just struck me wrong, of all the things to text at the end of the day a reiteration of how tired she was. I really just needed a bit toward connection to ask how was I? It's been almost non-existent lately. And off we went to the races...

So as good as we were, we weren't. I'm in full on post relationship mode. Of the things I'm writing down of why the break up is a good thing I'm seeing things like lack of emotional intimacy, workaholic, addictions to Tik Tok and searches of French Provincial furniture, marriage phobic, all the basic courtesy stuff, routine quotes from any one of her three husbands her really high maintenance bff who she has to go to her house out of state monthly to help manage her friends life... even not talking with me or telling me we were moving in together at the end of her current lease. Prior to this when she renewed her lease she had told me she needed to be in her own place, which hurt because it really placed question in my mind about the future of the relationship - but ok - I respect that. and on and on. It's been alot.

And as I write this, I have to acknowledge all my own issues. Not coping well with growing resentment, I could have been more forgiving and handled our issues differently to include softer start ups. But we were just floating down the relationship path. We weren't dealing with core issues, we only dealt with the symptoms not the cause it all just built up. And maybe I'm making more out all "the issues" to protect myself from the fear of being hurt given all the things I've written about both on my list and here and other posts.

Oh well.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 10:06 PM, Monday, October 10th]

DDay 1 February 2014 - EA (probably PA)
DDay 2 October 2015 - PA in 2015
DDay 3 & 4 November 2015 - 2 PAs in 2014
And probably much more.
Attempted False R - Divorced January 2017 Happy New Year!

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2017
id 8758965
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