SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is just something I was thinking of reading the thread on 'would you rather be a BS or WS'. As I thought about that I realised it was asking me if I'd rather be murdered or a murderer. It's a question beyond answering for me because I couldn't conceive of being capable.

But the irony struck me that I'd have been a heck of a lot better at cleaning up the mess if it had been me who cheated.

The last few months I have had a rage problem. Me becoming angry triggered serious defensiveness in WS and the arguments became ugly.

I'm angry. I know I am justifiably angry. My WS didn't do "the work" and I have suffered more as a consequence.

He's been defensive, he's engaged in whataboutery, he's gaslit me, he's even come out with the dreaded "I don't deserve to be punished forever" or my favourite "I can't change the past I don't have a time machine".

I know he was in the wrong. I know his behaviour wasn't okay, but it was setting of rage on me that I didn't recognise. I said and did very cruel things.

I told him I didn't love him anymore. I told him I hated him. I told him he ruined my life. I said things I know damaged him.

Worse, I did stuff that harmed him. I kissed someone else and texted him while I was doing it. On more than one occasion I know he's been literally out in the streets looking for me.

None of that behaviour is even close to the kind, calm, gentle person I've always been. This rage is new.

He cried and told me a few weeks ago that no matter how much I hurt him, that he loved me and he'd try and help me.

Will continue post below as my phone is frozen...

[This message edited by GraceLoves at 8:24 PM, Wednesday, September 28th]

So the summary is: the last few months I had an extremely out of character problem with rage.

He talked to me about this and I went away and thought about it.

I recalled years ago in therapy being told I had a lack of anger. Almost unhealthily. I am so much NOT an angry person, this had been raised as an issue.

So I thought more. I googled a lot. I read books. I went to counselling to discuss it. I sorted it out.

And we've had a couple of months now with this anger gone.

My point really is that I felt I was better at reconciling/ taking responsibility and changing myself as a REACTION to his infidelity than he was for the actual infidelity.

I did "the work".

And so the irony I'm observing is that all the skills needed for doing the work are probably more abundant in the BS

Does this make sense?

Sorry wrong thread

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:49 PM, Wednesday, September 28th]

...the irony I'm observing is that all the skills needed for doing the work are probably more abundant in the BS sad
Does this make sense?

Yes x1000.

I have observed much the same. Yet, why should I be surprised?

Higher EQ, better self-reflection skills, more resilient, more empathy, better overall coping skills all mean that I'm less likely to cheat in the first place.

So the same skills that help me navigate tough waters in life in general also helped me cope with betrayal.

My fWH's lagging skills in those same areas not only contributed to his choice to lie and betray but impeded his work after Dday.

Super unfortunate, but not a surprise.

And, yes, very ironic.

It's really why the actual work for a WS is so important. There are many life skills they need to improve to be safe again.

Thank you for saying what I was trying to say in a way that made much more sense 😆.

Yes. Those are qualities my husband never had.

...And now is the time for him to develop them, if he wants to R.

JMO.

I suspect it's those skills that keep the vast majority of BSes from becoming WSes....

Interesting thread...thank you for starting it . After my 1st H left me for the 2nd adultery co-conspirator I caught him with...I swore off of men. I HATED MEN...they were all dogs...humping anything that would let them .

Then the man who became my 2nd H proved to me that this wasn't true. He was patient...kind...didn't force anything on me...even when we started living together. I saw him as STRONG...and it was refreshing to me . I also learned early on in the relationship that my H was also selfish...a taker. But that was alright...because I was a giver...we were compatible!

We have both been propositioned during our M...and we would talk about it and laugh about the absurdity. How in the world could people actually FALL for this nonsense??!! Neither of us would ever be that WEAK to actually believe any A could even come close to being what we had .

My H had an opportunistic A. He found himself alone in a foreign country where no one could find out and inform me. He advertised for NSA sex...found ONE person to agree to that...and planned on taking this secret to his grave...because what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. That lasted for 2 days after he came back home . He didn't factor in the immense GUILT he felt for what he did...and confessed to his A.

After Dday...I saw him through new eyes. He was WEAK...he had always been weaker...in THAT respect. Being able to resist chocolate though...he MIGHT be a little stronger than me .

I often write about perspective on here. It's ALL about perspective . Where you saw that thread about being murdered vs being the murderer...I saw it a little differently. To ME...I interpreted that thread to being selfish vs being unselfish. On Dday I knew that my H's selfishness caused this...and I issued ultimatums to him to learn to be unselfish.

After reading "Not Just Friends"...I liked the way it was put as Takers and Givers . Even Jesus told us it is more BLESSED to give than to receive. The GIVERS group is where I LOVE to be !

And so the irony I'm observing is that all the skills needed for doing the work are probably more abundant in the BS.

Does this make sense?

I feel this is true . I have seen for myself that these skills CAN be LEARNED...IF someone wants to. My H actually told me once that he didn't realize how EASY it was for him to PLAN a night just for ME 2 times a month...which was one of my ultimatums. When he learned that skill...he far surpassed my expectations .

What struck ME was that...because I was a giver...I didn't have an issue being the one planning nights for us. I ENJOYED it...and my H enjoyed what I had planned...so it was no big deal. My H told me that he didn't know how to plan things...and since I didn't seem to mind doing it...he never even TRIED. We both realized that WE put ourselves in this pattern...and our thought processes were going along different paths.

Learning about THIS...we learned we didn't HAVE to go by what we had done in the past. I was actually being the selfish one in doing all of the giving. In "Not Just Friends"...there is a section that talks about how the Takers are actually not as happy as the Givers .

We ALL have strengths and weaknesses...but we don't have to STAY with that pattern. Just like how you learned the skills to deal with the rage you suddenly had . I HOPE your WS will learn the skills HE needs to do "the work". He CAN...it is just a matter of if he WILL.

Learning about THIS...we learned we didn't HAVE to go by what we had done in the past. I was actually being the selfish one in doing all of the giving.

We act because of positive and negative feedbacks. Us givers fed off of the ego kibbles from being needed, being useful, being virtuous, etc which is a more complex selfishness but we still get something in return from our actions that works for us. The takers obviously get theirs much more directly.
Read a sci fi book in my teenage years that had the main theme being enlightened self interest. Not sure of the title but the concept stuck. It looks to be Subspace Explorer's by E.E. Smith which is funny because it was published before I was born. The plot was the conflict between those practicing ESI and those stuck in everyone for themselves mode.

Capital must make enough profit to attract investors, and wants to make as much more than that minimum as it can. Labor must make a living, and wants as much more than that minimum as it can get. Between those two minima lies the line of dispute, which is the locus of all points of reasonable and practicable settlement. Somewhere on that line lies a point, which can be computed from the Law of Diminishing Returns as base, at which Capital's net profit, Labor's net annual income, and the public's benefit, will all three combine to produce the maximum summated good.[1]

Anyway to pull back from total T/J I see the BS operating in a much more ESI manner than waywards.