SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, I am looking for advise. I am stuck. My husband had an affair 13 years ago. We reconciled (so I thought) and had three beautiful children together. Then three years ago he again cheated.... or this time tried to cheat. I found text messages that he thought he deleted that were on his Apple Watch and he invited a woman we knew (mother of a child he taught) up to my house while I was working overnight to have sex. My kids were here. She didn’t come, and I found the texts 36 hours later so nothing physical happened, but I know it would have.

I didn’t leave, or make him leave. For a lot of reasons I guess. I don’t want to be without my kids half the time. I don’t want to be divorced. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want the financial consequences of a divorce. So I have not take any action. But I also have not been happy for 3 years. I’m angry and sad all the time. It lives just under my skin, and anything can bring back the pain, the sadness, the anger.

I truly don’t know where to go from here. Life is exhausting and painful this way. I feel like I have been grieving a death of someone I loved so much for years. I feel like I might never be happy again.

I’m sorry to sound so down. But I am. And I have so many other reasons to be happy. Beautiful, fun kids. A great career. A great family.

Had anyone ever felt this way? Do you have any advise for me? It is the anger that bothers me the most. I feel like it changed who I am as a person. I used to feel kind and loving but now I just burn with anger.

I did try antidepressants but had side effects that made me stop. I was also in individual counseling for a while but got to the point that I felt like I was not feeling any change.

My husband has not really put forth any real effort to try to repair the damage. And I’m not sure repair is possible. But he made promises, said he would Stop drinking, go to AA, go to counseling. He never followed through on any of that. He did do counseling for a few sessions but then quit. He has never tried to do any romantic gestures or really done anything that required work or effort. He has just stayed here. Keeping me locked in this anger prison. I have told him that for some reason I can’t do it. I can’t take action. So maybe the kind thing for him to do would be to finish what he started and leave. But he doesn’t. I guess why would he? We have a lovely life outside of our relationship, and I work very hard to provide comfort for my family.

Anyway. Thank you to anyone who reads this. And if anyone has any advise for what I could do to release a little of this anger and reclaim who I once was, I would be deeply grateful.

JASB, the thing about IC is that you will only feel changes if you make changes. It sounds like neither your WH or you have made many changes. Unfortunately if nothing changes, nothing changes and you will likely find yourself back here sooner or later with a new DDay.

These feelings of anger and sadness don't just go away because we want them to. Something BIG needs to change before you can be at a place where healing can happen. If he's not willing to make that change happen, you will have to which will mean detaching, following the 180, and carving a life focused on your kids outside of him. If divorce isn't on the table, does it matter who or what he does? This doesn't mean that fidelity isn't a worthy goal or that you don't deserve it BUT you can't change him and he is not willing to put in the work. If you're going to stay married either way, perhaps that is something you need to let go. I personally would never choose to go down this route but it sounds like you may be willing to if a new DDay isn't enough for you to consider it.

How old are your children? Would you be willing to divorce when they are older and out of the house?

JASB, I have no advice to give sadly.

All I want to say is I understand you must feel.

You H cheated on you 13 years ago and you gave him the gift of reconciliation.

Then he tried to betray you again.

So, you have every right to be upset.

So, I understand.

Again sorry I dont have any advice.

Hugs.

My advice is to file for D and get the life you want, unless of course, you are fine with the status quo. I think what you really want is your life to go back to normal and your WH to suddenly transform into a loving, caring, emotionally mature human being. Why should he? Unless the pain or discomfort of continuing a behavior is greater than the alternative, there is no incentive to change. It often takes a brush with death to get people to change their lifestyle. It's not until a heart attack that a person finally, after countless admonitions from their doctor, to finally lose weight, changes.

Right now, what you have is what you have, and who he is is who he is. The only variable in this is your behavior, and it's the only one you can control. You listed off the things you have, but do you really have them in any meaningful way? And are you really enjoying them as you should?

Read Cheating in a Nutshell for an anecdotal approach to how cheating affects and effects the BS. It is a no nonsense approach that advocates for the betrayed. It also suggests the BS take care hardliners in the case of infidelity and thus take control of the process.

So that's my advice. File for D and start moving to a healthier life for you. After all, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Your kids need their full mother. Then put your WH on the defense and you will see his true character emerge. He will either pull his head outcof his ass and do the work, or reveal his true nature which may be quite a bit less attractive to you than the version you've constructed in your head and heart over the years.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 2:53 PM, Wednesday, September 28th]

But he made promises, said he would Stop drinking, go to AA, go to counseling. He never followed through on any of that.

I suspect that's the reason you're still angry and sad. I suspect you're afraid, too, of future cheating. The infidelity tri-fecta.

He did do counseling for a few sessions but then quit. He has never tried to do any romantic gestures or really done anything that required work or effort. He has just stayed here. Keeping me locked in this anger prison. I have told him that for some reason I can’t do it. I can’t take action.

But you can take action. You get to choose the action you want to take, but you have your power.

What's keeping you in your M? Are your reasons mostly healthy or mostly unhealthy? Do you want to change?

An alcoholic who chooses to drink is not reliable. I know it's difficult for an alcoholic to choose not to drink, and I have great sympathy for those who can't bring themselves to quit, but that doesn't mean I'd continue in an M with one.

A lot of people LOOK THE OTHER WAY Because they don’t want to break the family. Share kid time, not have the money they have now.
You must understand that this is the way it’s going to be. You must make a life for your self . A different life. One of your kids with out DH.
As time get latter in life then start looking for someone else.

I left when my kids got older. I had felt the same way and then my xWS cheated again and put me through False R. There was no coming back from that. I don't see too many people recovering from multiple A's and the WS not being remorseful or doing any work. I didn't want to split the kids 50/50 when they were younger nor did I want the financial burden that would come with it. Being in limbo did take its toll on me. I detached, did the 180, and couldn't stand my WS for YEARS. I finally left in 2019 not over another A but the way he was treating me with contempt and just overall we were both pretty nasty to one another, the marriage had become a toxic cesspool where even my daughter was voicing why wasn't I wanting to leave. I finally found the courage to do it, got myself financially secure and left. It was the best decision I ever made for myself. I do split time 50/50 with kids but they are older now and don't want to spend much time with their parents anyways. Financially it is tough but doable. I do without any luxuries I may have indulged in before. But my anger towards him has mostly subsided. I'm getting more to indifference. The A's no longer hang over my head as they did being around the perpetrator (WS) day in and day out. I actually feel giddy at times to have MYSELF back and freedom to do what I want with no criticism or opinions coming from the xWS. I don't have to listen to his wayward mindset and entitlement that drove me through the roof. I would start seeing an IC and start detaching from him, get yourself healthy and then see how you feel whether the desire to leave or not is there.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:57 PM, Wednesday, September 28th]

Just a hypothetical---What if you discovered, tomorrow, that your husband is actively cheating again?

What do you think your response/actions would be?

Feeling anger is easier than feeling the things which lie beneath it, right? Heartbreak, loss, hope, fear.. the anger doesn't ask questions or demand answers. It bolsters us up and make us feel powerful at a time when it seems like all our power has been usurped. I was a rage monster for most of my youth and I remember how familiar it felt to have those feelings in that kind of frequency return.

I think the best thing you can do is to try to find some authentic way of living your life and being true to yourself. Those feelings which are masked by the rage have to be processed. Sometimes it helps to do that in IC, but other times, you already know what you need to do, you just don't want to do it because it's hard. To resolve your anger at your WH, you already know that you must either find a way to forgive him or put him behind you and neither one of those choices has any appeal for you just now. I get it.

You can't eat a bear but one bite at a time though, so maybe try grabbing on to one of those underlying feelings and studying on it for awhile. See if that helps bring on any impetus.

You're going to be okay. Believe it.

((hugs))

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:21 PM, Thursday, September 29th]

JASB - Three years is a long time to be stuck, enduring a sucky marriage with a known cheater/alcoholic, especially when it's obvious he is a repeat offender. If you can put a roof over your head and food on the table, you and the kids have what you need. The rest is gravy. We can all live a happy life without gravy.

Trying to control your WH is a dead end. Let that go. Accept that he is what he is.

But making your own plan is empowering. This will get you "unstuck", give you options. Remember, taking action does not mean you have to make a decision.

But what can you do? Get on the internet and google where to start. Fidelity website has a spiel about what papers to gather in case of divorce. Get a team together: a lawyer, a therapist. Start IC. Reconnect with girl friends. Join the choir, a painting class, or investment group - something that's independently you. Make an exercise routine, even just walking. Start imagining yourself as able and powerful, independent and free. Start imagining a different life, a smaller home. It might be scary, but don't you feel the weight of a bad marriage lessen just thinking about it?

I am very much in the same boat, but older. I, too, spent years trying to have a "lovely life". Poof! Turns out it was never real.

Making and working my plan is what keeps me sane and on track. When I get all woe-be-gone, I remember to work the plan. At first, it was just a way to shake things up, leave me an out, just in case my WH wasn't that special unicorn after all. (Yes, I really believed in his lies at first, needed to believe we'd make it.) First I made a basic list, in order of priorities of where my focus needs to be: my job, care of an elderly relative, grown kids, WH (Yes, he is on the list, but last. ) Tasks, completed or in progress, include: post nup, paperwork gathering, budget, lose a few lbs. (vanity boost because I am a only human), get my groove back (with WH, of course - just so I know I've still got it), and decluttering my large home of 23 years, oh, and learn to play golf while I still have a country club - a place I've rarely been to. Lately, because I can see the writing on the wall, I've added the big one - figuring out where to live when I walk out the door. All but the last item on my list would benefit my married life, if and when WH ever decided do his part. Yet, as the lies and stonewalling tactics become more apparent, I've moved on from wishing for reconciliation to an exit-plan strategy. His indiscretions were too great, his amends too weak, and I'm too old to wait around for the miracle of true repentance. Should WH arrive belatedly to this point, God is patient and will be there for him, but not I.

I've read many save-your-marriage books, searched for ways to set my marriage on a good track. They all require the partner to participate, leaving me wanting but powerless. Then I started reading Cheating in a Nutshell, Leave a Cheater Gain a Life, Too Good to Leave - Too Good to Stay.. These books gave me a sense of power.

So sorry you are mired in this mess. One question that helped me to see things more clearly. I asked myself if I had freedom, half our assets, and a decent job, would I choose to join my life in marriage to my cheating, lying, self-entitled WH tomorrow? No, of course not. I would not marry him for "gravy" so why would I stay for gravy? It's the same thing. So, there's my answer. Letting go is scary, I get it. I am allowing the seeds of a new life take root in my imagination.

I’m Sorry you are facing this at 3 years post Dday of affair 2.

MegMeg has some great advice. A good plan to follow too.

Only you can get yourself "happy". I say this because while I completely understand your frustration at his lack of progress, you are still pinning all your future happiness on that same position.

It’s probably not going to happen. So if he drinks too much and lies and won’t go to counseling, ACCEPTANCE of his choices is your only option.

THEN you decide what is best for you. With him or without him. It’s that simple.

If the reasons you stated are compelling you to stay married, then you have to make the best of it. You can walk around all day miserable and unhappy (rightfully so) or you can change that.

By bringing the joy back in your life. Finding your purpose and happiness. Being the person you want to be DESPITE the baggage he brings to your life.

It’s like that nagging toothache. You can learn to live with it or fix it. In your case fixing it means you fix what has got you focused on the negative aspects of your life and instead focus on the positives.

Have a job you love? Great. Have kids you adore? Wonderful. Have a good group of friends? Even better. Like where you live? That’s a positive.

Glass half full or glass half empty mentality.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:31 PM, Monday, October 3rd]