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Yesterday evening I picked up my three boys from STBXH. My oldest is almost 6 and has been really struggling lately because he doesn't like school. Coming home to me means he has to go to school, so he gets very upset and wants to stay with dad. On top of the fact that dad is gone Monday-Friday and doesn't even call anymore so he just misses his dad. So when my son was getting in the van he was starting to cry. STBXH tried to comfort him, and STBXH was getting upset and I could see his eye tearing up a little. In my mind, I was thinking stop dragging this out, it's making it worse! But then STBXH whispered "I did a disservice to him by having kids at all knowing how I am." I was flabbergasted. Thank GOD that my son was crying too much and didn't hear him. I told him to not ever say anything like that again next to MY SON and to get out of my van. He got mad and told me to F off because I have no room to talk because I bring them around my family (long story there, he isolated me from them during our marriage and I have since reconnected). I just told him again to get out of my van and I drove away.

I got the boys home without them really noticing anything had happened. And then it sank in even more what he said RIGHT NEXT TO HIS SON! I want to call him up and scream at him and punch him in the face. How dare he say something so abhorrent when his kids could hear??? He only cares about himself and its disgusting.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I would do the drop offs where your STBX hands him over and walks right back inside. He should never have said that with distance of your son. There is a thread here called Stay No Contact Post It Here if you ever need to vent at him safely. He needs to keep it simple at drop offs. It should just be a hand over and that's it. He definitely was dragging it out (probably playing the victim) and it's not fair to the kids.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 9:15 PM, Tuesday, September 27th]

What a hurtful and damaging thing for him to say - and you are correct, those words should never be uttered near your child. Yes, he is selfish. Yes is in a shame-spiral. Yes it points to how damaged he is.

The combo of changing which parent, start of school, and dad being gone all week is tough on your little one. Can you STBXWH set up extra calls for during the week to help ease the transition? Does the school counselor have any ideas to make school better for your kid?

Glad you are their mom and putting them first. (((Hugs)))

Well. Not everyone should be a parent, and I think parents who realize too late that they shouldn’t have had kids are unnecessarily shamed for feeling that way. But yeah, you don’t say it to or around the kid(s).

I also feel I did my kids a disservice by having them. Not because of being a WS—my affair was years before they were born—but because I purposely brought them into a dysfunctional situation where I don’t love their father and made a mistake remarrying him….and obviously by extension having kids with him. So if your ex feels he’s damaging his kids then I can understand his sentiment. Not a good idea to say it within earshot of them though for sure.

He shouldn't have said it near the children.

But I think it was a very rare moment of honesty from him.

Let's really think about what he said. He knows he's a lousy father. And he is. He's content with only seeing them a few days a week,doesn't call,and no real parenting takes place when he actually has them. He knows he's a bad parent. And THAT is a huge disservice to your children. They deserve a better father than he is capable of being. He has realized that. Of course, it would be great if he recognised his faults, and worked harder at being a better parent. But he won't do that.

I understand your anger. He shouldn't never utter anything like that around the kids. 100%

My kids were 4 and 2 so we had a few of these incidents along the way. I don’t know why they invite their own kids to their pity party but here we are.

I remember feeling the same white hot rage you feel now. Hurting me was one thing but the agony of him hurting them was indescribable.

I’m so glad I was able to do handovers via school drop offs vs in person.

If you can I would try not to react at all. Starve that fucker of ego kibbles completely. Is there a way that you could have the kids come out to you without him going near your car? Or have someone in the car with you?

I used to talk to someone on the car speaker the rare times we had to do in person handovers in the early days. This seemed to curb his chance to torment us.

Divorce cures a shit husband problem but unfortunately not a shit dad problem.

I remember after a bad incident one of their ICs told me he was making watershed memories for them and he’d have to answer to them for it one day. This did not make me feel better at all. I wish they didn’t have to deal with his shit at all.

They’re 14 and 12 now and life has been peaceful for many years. Both are still in IC.

It took me a while but I learned to surrender the situation unless I could legally compel him to do or stop doing something. I accepted that I couldn’t make him a good father during M so had a shit show chance in hell in D.

I got my kids into IC and did everything I could to help them navigate this shit sandwich. That was a very bitter pill to swallow.

FWIW I don’t think there’s any great realisation here. It’s just your garden variety pity party. Pathetic.

I hope your boys are OK. I hope you’re OK.

This wasn't a big realization for him. There was no big self-reflection or work on himself or anything like that. He is a narcissist. This was a pity-party for himself. He saw a consequence of his actions (his son crying) and felt bad for himself. That is clear by the fact that he said what he said in front of the kids. He wasn't thinking about the kids, it was all about him and how he was feeling, like always.

Devils advocate - if he miraculously has done some self reflection and has come to this big, honest realization - he still has no right to say this in front of the kids. And honestly, he has no right to say it to me either. He has emotionally and verbally abused me for way too long, and I am no longer his emotional support system. I don't care that he's in pain. I don't. 1. He caused this. This is a direct consequence of his actions. 2. He didn't care when I was in pain. 3. He only cares when his kids are in pain in front of him. When they aren't physically present, he forgets about them. 4. When I was going through the worst pain in my life, I still picked myself off the floor and did what I had to do to take care of my kids. I put them first and waited to fall apart until they weren't there. That's what being a parent is - putting them first every time, even when it's hard.

BearlyBreathing - you suggested him calling my sons more during the week to try to help with this transition. I agree that might help. But he doesn't call at all anymore. When we were together and he traveled he would facetime every night to say hi to the boys. Now he never does at all.

Like SBB said, I can't control him and I can't make him be a good dad. It's frustrating because I want to take away my kids pain. But I can only control myself. And this only makes me more determined to be the best mom I can be because it seems like I might be all they have. I won't let them down.

I promise all they need is one good parent. I realised XWH would have likely been the same kind of parent he is now even if we had stayed married. Despite my protestations or attempts to change it.

Old timers used to say it to me when I was where you are now and the older my kids get the more I believe it.

They’ll learn that their dad isn’t reliable or available or not as connected as they want him to be - that he’s only good for X and Y so their expectations adjust.

People can forget littles become bigs and when they do they don’t have to tolerate our shit anymore.