Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Goku06

Off Topic :
Is it ever right to keep “family stuff” away from family?

default

 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 6:35 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

So, as you all may have noticed, 😏 …I tend to be an over sharer.

I share everything. Especially to family or close friends who are involved with the situation or the person involved. But, obviously, also to perfect strangers online!(Although I beg to differ that you all are strangers to me.)

This has been a bit of a week. My middle son who has some emotional health issues has been having an ongoing rift with a close friend. She is mentally ill, and feeds into his issues. My observations.

My oldest son said something at some point that I don’t know about, and she began to tell my other son that they were both racists, and that I was the one who raised them to be racist. I asked him if she knew his brother is biracial. Yes she did. But, she held true to the fact that I have raised my two "white sons" to be racist. She has spread this all over social media and has blocked my son from communicating with her. She has threatened to vandalize our home.

This all happened about two months ago, and he said that he was done being her friend. I found out recently that their friendship was "over" mostly because he didn’t like anybody "talking smack about his mama". I was very sorry that he was upset about the end of their friendship, but I was happily surprised that he wanted to speak up for me. He has never really "liked" me much. Thinks I am wanting to make him be the kind of person I want him to be, i.e., sober. That’s the history. A tiny example of it.

Now for the present. Strike one…Yesterday my older son came to me and said that his very dear friend has been in the hospital for one month in a nearby town and he didn’t even know it. That he was in very critical condition. Would I take him to visit him. So off we go. I called my other son to let him know what’s happening and he says that this friend is one of his best friends in the world and he wants to go too. So we went to the hospital. I left them there with one vehicle when I drove home.

When the guys came home after visiting their friend, my son was almost hysterical. Talking about how this was one of the best friends he’s ever had, and this was so terrible and he just didn’t know what he was going to do. My older son has told me since then that his brother has hung out with he and his friend on four or five occasions, but that they weren’t close friends at all. I believe that my son has an issue with exaggeration/drama. Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t think he is "enough" so everything has to be exaggerated to make it sound like a much bigger deal.

Strike two…That night I went to bed early and got up at about 2 AM to watch the queen’s funeral. I noticed headlights coming in through the blinds meaning there is a car in my driveway… At 3 AM. So I go out there to see what’s happening. Someone is letting off my son, and he is obviously intoxicated. I ask about it, because he has been driving my car to work since his truck has been on the fritz. He denies having been drinking. He comes in and gets into it with me. Tells me that I pissed him off because he can come and go whenever he wants to and he doesn’t have to tell me. I hadn’t even asked about that. I just wanted to know about the drinking so I would know whether or not to give him my keys in 4 1/2 hours to drive to work.

After a conversation, he tells me that he’s sick to death of me and that I make him want to kill himself. That I want him to be something that I want him to be, (sober…so, guilty) and that he knows that I just want to sit and watch Jason (the friend who is ill) die????? I asked him to repeat it, and he said the same thing. That I just wanted to sit and watch him die. I said I was done talking.

He was gone all day today, and finally called me in the afternoon and said that he had talked himself out of committing suicide this morning, but was going to check himself into a psychiatric hospital. He said that I had driven him to all of this, and named all the reasons why he resents me.

My oldest son is also upset with him, because he has pretty much had it with all of the drama. I tried to tell him that we don’t need to be upset with him, because it has to do with emotional issues. That we should be concerned about him. He didn’t agree.

Strike three is when my son from prison calls. In the course of the conversation he asked me how everybody’s doing. I really don’t lie to the boys, so I told him that Jason was very ill, and that his brothers were upset, especially the one brother. But that was as much as I told him.

So, 1000 words later, my question is this… Do I withhold the information about his brother being at a psychiatric hospital from my son who is incarcerated? I don’t want to add to his stress, but I don’t want to keep information about his brother from him.

Any ideas of how the hell to handle this in the least hurtful way possible for each of them?

Sometimes I feel like there is a kink in something in my life… That something is twisted in the universe and I need to get it straightened out. Do other regular people in the world have shit like this going on all the time, one after another, and I just don’t notice? Shame on me if that is the case. If that is not the case, what have I done to get things out of balance so badly?

I was getting so used to the ease and peacefulness of my husband doing better healthwise, and therefore less drama in our lives.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:54 PM, Tuesday, September 20th]

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8756162
default

Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 6:22 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Whatsright, I am sorry you have this situation to deal with. Never be reluctant to share and ask for help!

My take on this? Do not share this information with your incarcerated son. He is dealing with his own issues and seems to be taking responsibility for his actions. There seems to be hope that he will get his life together. He can't help your other son who has checked into the hospital (and good for him for checking himself in!) and he would probably be concerned that he can't help YOU with his brother. Deal with your three sons on an individual basis and let them try to solve their own problems but be there in case they ASK for advice. Try to detach a little more and let them know you love them - but they are adults and need to deal with their own issues as much as possible. You have your hands full as a caregiver for your H (and I'm glad he's better!) and your sons should be supporting YOU instead of involving you in their issues. As for your son's drinking, do not let him use any of your vehicles if you feel he is unsafe to drive. He could hurt himself and others and you would be legally responsible for accidents. He seems to think YOU want to 'make him over to be what YOU want him to be" -- so let HIM make decisions about himself, good or bad - but remove yourself from liability. They are all three adults. You should, at this point, only have to be concerned for your H and yourself. I'm not saying to cut them out, I'm just saying back off and let them make their own mistakes and then suffer the consequences. That is the only way they will learn, and they will sink or swim. I happen to think, from what you have posted previously - they will SWIM. Your incarcerated son is swimming right now so he needs encouragement with cards and phone calls.

You are such a caring, loving person and you want to help. At this point you need to be enjoying your grandbabies in any free time you do have. Let the professionals deal with your son and his drama. Hopefully they can help him. I never, ever underestimate the danger when someone is threatening suicide so be supportive but let the doctors try to help him.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3284   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8756223
default

little turtle ( member #15584) posted at 7:13 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

I don't think your youngest needs all of the family drama. He needs to focus on himself and his own growth. You can give him the update when middle son has completed treatment and is taking care of himself. The positive stories!

I'm glad your middle son has checked himself into a facility. I hope he can get the help he needs to sober up and appreciate life. He needs to get his own transportation. What's wrong with his truck?

Failure is success if we learn from it.

posts: 5510   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2007   ·   location: michigan
id 8756226
default

 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 7:26 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Both of my sons who are living with us are having issues with their trucks at this point. They worked at the same place so they rode in together. I increased my car insurance to include the son who has just entered the hospital. The other son had a DUI and it would’ve cost too much to include him.

However, they got into a HUGE physical fight during H’s last hospital stay. One thing led to another, and my oldest has been fired from that job… He says due to his brother. Everybody seems to hate everybody around here these days.

I want to go home.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8756229
default

Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 8:04 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Whatsright, you ARE home. You just need to take YOUR home back. They should find other living arrangements until they can act decent. If they were helping you with your H, I could understand them living there. But it seems they don't help? Take YOUR home back and give them a deadline to find their own living arrangements. It sounds as if some really TOUGH LOVE is needed with these two young men. It's not like they are in high school fighting over a video game. Threaten them that you are going to drag them to the Dr. Phil show for an awakening. smile

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3284   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8756237
default

 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 8:36 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

No, they do help with my H when they are here. Getting him in and out of bed, and preparing meals.

Wanting to go home…that’s just what I say when I feel overwhelmed. Not even sure what it means.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8756241
default

wildbananas ( member #10552) posted at 9:03 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Wanting to go home…that’s just what I say when I feel overwhelmed. Not even sure what it means.

If I may take a stab at this... to me, home is supposed to be your oasis from the world. It doesn't mean you never have problems but it should be where you feel safe and happy.

You have a lot going on at home... it's hard when the place that is supposed to bring calm brings chaos. I lived that many years (decades) and I know how hard it is. (((WR)))

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

posts: 16561   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2006   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8756242
default

Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 9:57 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

This is a very difficult situation. Honestly you have done really well. Hugs to you.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1978   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8756248
default

 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 10:22 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

wild bananas…I think you are right.

Sometimes a break from the turmoil would be nice.

I think you all are probably right. My son thinks that he will be in the hospital for one to two weeks. I’m guessing it will be more like 72 hours. Anyway, I may not even speak with my son who is incarcerated in the next 72 hours. So, especially if his stay is a positive situation for him, I can just share that when he gets out.

t/j. My son is taking a class on rebuilding relationships. If he completes it satisfactory, he can get 90 days cut from his sentence. He can take as many of those educational classes as he wants.

So, that’s hopeful, right?

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 10:23 PM, Tuesday, September 20th]

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8756252
default

Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 12:03 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Whaatsright, I deal with prisons way more than I care to admit. I told you if he'd sign up for everything they offer, not only will it REALLY help him, if does take time off from sentences. Contrary to what most believe, the states and the feds really do not want to incarcerate people for non-violent crimes and want to get them on track towards release as quickly as possible because it's a huge cost to taxpayers to incarcerate people. Every program he participates in WILL help him in more ways than one. Keep encouraging him. I understand from prisoners that old-fashioned mail really is a positive thing for them. Maybe sending a card about twice a week and write words of encouragement.

I'm glad your sons help with your H - as they should. Hang in there. Better days are ahead. Maybe your son in the hospital will get the help he needs.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3284   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8756266
default

 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 1:16 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Thx Jeaniegirl.

I am encouraged for the first time in a long time about my son who is incarcerated. There are a list of about 6 to 8 "courses" he can take. They last 2 to 3 months, and for every one he successfully complete he gets 90 days off of his sentence. He has told me it may be six months to a year before he goes to court, even though his public defender is "fast tracking" his case. And, he can take two courses at a time.

So even if it was only six months before his case went to trial, if he took two of those classes at a time, he could potentially get a year off of his sentence. He says that when you show up to court, you take the certificates that they give you for completing the courses, and that the judges are very pleased with that kind of thing.

And what is even better than that, is that he has the potential to learn so much. And when he goes to the facility where he will be serving his sentence, they have drug programs that he can get into. In looking through all of the programs that prisons provide. I have not yet run into one on adoption issues, but maybe there will be one like that. He of course wants to get out as soon as possible, but I think he’s also really interested in learning and improving his life. He "likes" where he is, and I hope he gets to stay there as long as possible before sentencing.

Haven’t heard a word from my son who admitted himself into the psych hospital. I took him some clothes and a Wordsearch puzzle yesterday morning. They, of course, couldn’t even confirm that he was there. I’m assuming he did not put my name on the list of people they can speak with about him. Oh well. That doesn’t really surprise me.

Meanwhile, some thing frightful happened last night. I was in the den watching TV, and I got up to go get a glass of tea. And I walked into my kitchen, the lights were out, but there was a stranger standing at my refrigerator, getting ice from the icemaker. I let out a bit of a scream, and he apologized. I actually surprised myself, and said "Who are you?".) I have no idea why I didn’t just turning around and run screaming.)

Turns out it was my sons friend whose fiancé had been killed a couple of days earlier in a car wreck. They had been at her funeral earlier and I guess my son was hanging out with him. After scaring the shit out of me in the kitchen, he took his friend back to our BEDROOM where my H was in bed. To introduce them, and to chat. WTF?

I have learned through the years that this is a characteristic that is part of fetal alcohol syndrome. Behaviors that aren’t horrible, just crazy inappropriate.

OK… I guess that’s my morning ramble. Thanks for listening.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8756330
default

Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 9:57 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Whatsright, I am so pleased to hear your son is doing okay and is taking advantage of the programs. There are MANY post release programs available also for him. One of the greatest programs EVER is the drug court system, which takes the cases (non violent) out of the hands of regular prosecutors and puts the person into 'drug court' if they have drug issues -- or had drug issues at the time of original arrests. The drug court judges are my new heroes and they work almost like an AA sponsor (or NA, narcotics) sponsor to the people. I sat through a drug court session recently and was SO encouraged by how the former detainees were treated with respect and encouraged by the drug court judge. If they complete certain programs - and there are many available - they have the possibility of having their record wiped cleaned after a certain period of soberness and achievements. Ask if your courts have a drug court program. A friend of mine in our state Senate sponsored the legislation to make this program possible. He is now retired but remains involved with the program. It's really a second chance for so many people.

I'm glad your other son is getting help even if he's keeping details from you.

I can relate to you getting scared about a stranger in your kitchen. My friend who has addicted young adult children often encounters the same thing. It's like they have no boundaries and will walk in her home, try to help themselves to anything there - even stealing her husband's tools from the garage - and helping themselves to food. While that doesn't sound like what happened with you - it's the 'not thinking' and 'no boundaries' that are similar. Your son should have found you and told you he had a visitor.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3284   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8756437
default

 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 12:35 AM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

He usually calls to tell me if he is bringing someone over. Just didn’t last night. Scared the shit out of me!

So the social worker at the psych hospital called me just now..Asked me all kinds of questions about my son. Among other things in a loooong conversation, she told me it seemed that he was exhibiting early stages of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia.

I just have no words.

😩😩😩😩😩😩😩

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8756456
default

Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 1:47 AM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

BUT --- there are meds for that!!

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3284   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8756470
default

little turtle ( member #15584) posted at 3:49 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I'm glad you're getting some answers. ♥

Failure is success if we learn from it.

posts: 5510   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2007   ·   location: michigan
id 8756526
default

annanew ( member #43693) posted at 5:59 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

Boundaries, WhatsRight, boundaries!!

What is your resistance? Do you feel this drama keeps you close to your kids and you are afraid to let go?

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2477   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 8756549
default

PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 6:33 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I am guardian to my schizophrenic BIL. It is my experience as long as meds are given correctly and he is willing to take them, my BIL can work and be happy. Our situation is different in that he is developmentally disabled. With your son there is a very good chance he could benefit greatly from medicine.

BS Fwh

posts: 3153   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8756557
default

number4 ( member #62204) posted at 10:34 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I would HIGHLY suggest NAMI. They have a wealth of resources for people AND their loved ones with schizophrenia. One of the most important things you can do is, when your son is coherent, have a talk with him about getting HCPOA for him, or guardianship as PricklePatch suggested. That way, if something happens to him, he goes off his meds, and has to be hospitalized again, you have his permission to talk to his health care team.

I have a friend whose son has schizo-affective disorder; he will never live outside of a group home. I'm guessing he's around mid 20s. She has become incredibly active with NAMI, speaking around the country about being an advocate for her son. She's been on radio talk shows, too. Her most important message is that a loved one have the ability to speak with the team, and for them to be able to share with you what's going on with him. I'm not talking about the document you sign when you enter treatment somewhere that gives permission for medical peeps to talk to you; I'm talking about a legal document that stands, no matter where he ends up. Otherwise you will pull your hair out trying to figure out what's going on with him. You need to convey the message of how important it is for you to be his advocate.

If you'd like, I can put you in touch with her; she bends over backwards to help people navigate this world. I'll bet NAMI peers would even have suggestions on how to deal with this and your son who is incarcerated. Those are the people who are in the thick of it, and will teach you the language you need to cope and set some boundaries.

Also, what's going on with palliative care? You told us many times that you were going to have them come out for a consult. Even though your H is doing better, every day, you are treading water with whether or not he will get sick again. All this, PLUS dealing with your son's psychiatric diagnosis. You need help that is due coming to you.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1046   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8756581
default

 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 11:56 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I spoke with my sons social worker today. She said he will be coming home on Monday. She says he is on a medication that seems to agree with him… Abilify. She says that he is being treated for major depressive disorder. She said that was better than schizophrenia. Or I guess I should say, not as serious? I don’t know enough about it to be able to characterize it.

She, too, mentioned NAMI.

There is going to be meds to buy, therapies to pay for, and just at a time when I realize that I have a huge bill with the IRS

But he seems to be doing better. So that’s what matters.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8756837
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220905 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy