Alon (original poster new member #80745) posted at 7:41 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022
Hi everyone. I learned about WS's (at least) 8-month-long affair about 4 months ago. I'm still triggered by a million things, furious one second, deep in depression the next...
However, in addition to his affair, I also discovered that he was sharing everything with his extremely toxic, misogynistic, psychologically abusive (to his wife) best friend. He shared everything with him. When I had my worst moments, when I shared my dreams, my saddest moments, my fears... He shared the most intimate details about my body and went into detail about our sex life... He openly shared about his plans to divorce me or start having more casual sex on the side (he'd been pretending to be happy with me). He trash-talked my family, calling them garbage, compared my body to other women's, calling me a retard, a child, a whore, etc.
I could obviously go on, but has anyone else made their way through this part of betrayal? Because I don't know how I can make it through.
I'm finding myself watching what I say, what I do, and how I act because I'm afraid of his retaliation behind my back. I find myself deleting messages as soon as I know he's seen them so that he doesn't have a chance to forward them to his best friend and mock/hurt me all over again. There's simply no intimacy is the easiest way I think I can put it. Nothing I do, say, think, or feel is safe with him because he's destroyed that trust, and I don't know how to get it back or if it's honestly something that can be gotten back. Even after he told me he stopped, I saw on his phone that he'd been forwarding my messages to his best friend as recently as this week, so I don't know if it's even worth it to work on it on my end, when he clearly doesn't care on his end.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 8:00 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022
I'm so sorry you have had to discover awful and abusive things being said about you behind your back by the person who is supposed to have your back. I'm not sure I would stay with someone capable of this type of cruelty, where is his remorse and humility? I'm sure he is not without flaws. This is awful that you continue to discover betrayal by him talking about you continuously with this friend. I'm not sure I would even consider this a friend of the M. Your WS does not sound remorseful in the least maybe it is time for you to take a step back and put the focus on yourself and implement the 180. What is keeping you in this M?
fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Alon (original poster new member #80745) posted at 8:10 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022
Honestly, I have days where I want to work on things to see if there's something to repair (plus we have two small kids), and days where I just want to throw in the towel on our M. It doesn't help that we had our kids in a foreign country (his home country) and I will likely be trapped here if we divorce because of custody issues with the kids... so that makes everything scarier for me, since I don't fit in here. We started therapy, but he just doesn't get it as is evidenced by his continuing to do it. He says that men have to "vent," but I think this is just gaslighting me.
ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:19 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022
Can you take your kids back to your home country and then sue for divorce from there?
BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7
No one can make you into a liar but you.
Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 8:25 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022
It's a whole other layer of toxic and betrayal on top of the affair itself. Some people find a way to R through multiple tyoes of betrayal but I think it's super hard.
Can you get legal advice from a lawyer in your home country? Can you do it covertly? There may be options to get yourself and your kids to your home for a vwcation and then stay there, legally.
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:38 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022
Weird how I can vent without calling my wife names.
This "friend" doesn't sound like a friend of the marriage. Whatever you have been doing to recover (before you consider reconciliation) hasn't been working.
You are in a constant state of fear, hypervigilence, and simply feel unsafe in your relationship.
You are still in shock, which is normal.
I recommend "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.
Couples counseling is not a good idea at this time. It's likely to contribute to blame shifting and retraumatizing you. Especially because your WH is unlikely to be an honest dealer based on your description of him not getting it, you have nothing to gain in shared therapy.
Do get individual therapy for yourself, see if you can find someone experienced in trauma, and if you are lucky specifically betrayal trauma.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:00 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022
Tell him you need to visit your parents. Invent an emergency. Take the kids,then file for divorce.
hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 12:02 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
This is why I went no contact and eventually divorced. He violated the sanctity of the marriage and family. I took my privacy back and stopped discussing anything with him.
After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:22 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
so I don't know if it's even worth it to work on it on my end, when he clearly doesn't care on his end.
I think you realize there is very little to work with.
He’s a mean cruel person.
I would run as far and fast as I could.
So sorry for you.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 11:25 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
He openly shared about his plans to divorce me or start having more casual sex on the side (he'd been pretending to be happy with me).
He trash-talked my family, calling them garbage, compared my body to other women's, calling me a retard, a child, a whore, etc.
I'm finding myself watching what I say, what I do, and how I act because I'm afraid of his retaliation behind my back.
This is not normal behavior. Someone this cruel who wants to retaliate when caught or called out usually has some type of personality disorder. Why are you trying to stay with such a horrible person? He doesn't "care"??? Oh, it's far beyond that. He is incapable of caring. About anyone or anything.
Awful person. There is something very wrong with him.
[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:31 AM, Tuesday, September 20th]
me: BS/WSh: WS/BS
Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.
Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 4:36 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
I’m very sorry Alon, what you describe is something I have hesitation about. My WW knows more about me and all my thoughts, desires, worries, etc. She could easily tell all her BFF’s about me in detail. I can’t imagine how you feel knowing your WH told people about this while complaining. I’m so sorry. Your partner should be the one person you can be completely honest with, with an understanding that that person will protect your thoughts/feelings like you would do.
This scenario just happened to a good friend of mine. He found out she cheated, posted on social media about it (for all of 15 minutes before he came to his senses), then she went nuclear. Telling anyone that would listen, all about my friends "dirty laundry".
I couldn’t believe it. I met with him recently and he basically told me that he can’t come back from this. Infidelity aside, how she reacted killed any chance of R.
staystrong101 ( member #41068) posted at 5:27 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
This also happened to me. My XWH told his LTA very intimate details about our sex life, my body, personal trauma I had experienced when I was young, etc. He said she was fascinated by me and wanted to know everything. What did I cook for dinner, what was I wearing when we went out. In my opinion, there is no coming back from this extreme cruelty and level of betrayal. I also went no contact and filed for D. There was no looking back for me. How could you ever trust this person again on any level?
EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 10:56 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
My xwh shared a lot of my details with his teenage ap too - apparently because her and I "were so much alike"
I don't trust easily and I don't open up easily, so I am VERY particular about who I let in to my life. I remember at the time when I found out how much of my life he had shared with her it just made me SO angry. Like... you already cheated on me, but you had to share my personal struggles with her too? She didn't already take enough from me? Oh and I found that out by one of her ridiculous long me-so-sorry fb messages after dday - yeah the little twat actually wrote me that she 'understood' how I was feeling and then listed out a whole lot of very personal things about me that my wh had shared with her comparing herself to me (still smdh over that one). That was a big blow for me and a huge reason why my R really started unraveling.
I'm so sorry. It is such a shock finding out that kind of stuff. And honestly for me? There was just no recovery after that.
The good news is that once I divorced him and deleted him from my existence, the people who are left in my life are ones that I trust completely with all the little pieces of myself.
"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger
"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park
Losttransport ( member #39409) posted at 5:21 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022
I’m so sorry that so many have experienced this. My stbxh also said such terrible things about me. He never called me by my name to AP: it was always Ding Dong, or that fucking bitch. "I wonder what Ding Dong is calling for now?" "I guess I’m going to get a rash of shit from that fucking bitch."
They made fun of me so much. And laughed and laughed at me at how I would try to talk with stbx.
It’s heartbreaking. To love someone for your while life, and listen to this vitriol is demoralizing, and cruel, and a whole different level of betrayal, and heartbreaking.
I’ll be praying that you can find your way out of there.
[This message edited by Losttransport at 5:22 AM, Wednesday, September 21st]
OW: his high school girlfriend
Affair started last November
3 DD, 1 DS all grown
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.