Its been awhile now, a couple of months since I last posted.I hope you guyes are well. Before I jump in to the topic I need to get off my chest I can say that these couple of months have been a rollercoster for me.
I have been using this time to heal, going to therapy, going to school and work and its actually been great. Last month I quit going to therapy since my therapist said that I actually dont need to go to her anymore since I've been doing better and seeing life from another perspective and I'm glad.
I haven't had any contact with him, other than the money he ows me. The good thing is he started paying me back, I have to message him once a month if he tries to ''forget'' to pay me on a spesific date, but other than that, no contact. I do not respond to him when he's tried to contact me even to cuss me out.
I have started working out more and going alot more out to meet my friends, I no longer have the fear of stepping outside the house, speaking of houses..I just bought my first home this monday. I cant really believe it yet that I'm going to move out of my parents home and in to my own..It's just this amazing feeling and the best of all, I'm going to live there ALONE. I can't wait to have nobody around me
Anyhow, as I was saying, I've been so great. Of course, I have those bad days, but I awlays got that grip on myself now and remind me that he's trash and doesn't deserve me and that always keeps me going.
I feel that my mind is finally at peace, I dont how to explain the feeling I had for the past couple of months after the breakup..it's like, I feel like my own person, I feel like I can make decisions without having to worry about him, I can do what I want without thinking about what he is going to say or do..most important, I'm finally starting to feel happy with myself. Like, my personality I had when I was with him was completely changed, right now I really do feel like myself and its sometimes really wierd when I think about how much he changed me and that girl I was wasn't me, I became someone he like'd me to be and it didn't sit right with me. I feel like my own person and I'm so so proud of myself. Also that im not with him anymore, that's the best decision I had ever made in my enitre life. Thanks to you guys, my friends and family. I feel like I owe you guys the world since the advices you gave me, has been a breath of fresh air and a new reality to me.So..thank you, again.
Now, more to the topic I've been having in my mind lately. Since the day I started to feel like myself and feeling good, I've been thinking about stuff that he did to me during our relationship. Spesifically, one incident really stuck with me. If this is too much for someone I understand, but I really dont know what to do or think if thats the right word or say something to my friends and family.
So, okay, this is about maybe 3 years ago, we are laying on the couch and watching TV, suddenly he wanted to get intimate with me, started kissing me and so on..I said no to him. I wasn't unclear in my voice or anything, I sad no because I didn't want to do it and I didn't feel like it. I tried to laugh it away while I was saying no, I said that we can do it another time. I was afraid to say too much to make him upset or ''mad'' because he didn't get what he wanted. But then, he thought that I was playing hard to get so he started to take my clothes off and that really did something to me. I said no loud and clear, it can not be misunderstood about the way I said it. He didn't really believe me again and he's a man and much stronger than me, so he flipped me on my stomach, held me down and yes well... you Get the idea.
In that moment I remember so clearly, my whole body froze. It's like all my strength in my body dissappeared, all I did was lay there, be quiet and silently cry while waiting for him to be finished. I still remember the feeling so well. After a while he stopped when he saw my tears and immidietly pulled out and sat back and was totally quiet. Finally I did get up, threw a blanket over my body and laid there. I felt my whole body shiver and looking at him made me so disguested. I told him angrily that he can not do that to me again and that I said no, several times. He didn't answer me right away, just stared blankely straight forward then he said that he thought that I was playing hard to get even when I said no, He thought that I actually ment yes since I started laughing in the beginning. I didn't dare to say it out loud to him, but I thought it, about what this situasion mean..but then he said that I made him feel really bad, like awfull about what just happened. That struck me, how did I make him feel bad about that ? Immidietly I felt guilt, he didn't want to look at my or talk to me. I thought that maybe I wasn't clear about what I wanted ? Maybe I actually ment yes even when I said no. He barely talked to me after that incident, suddenly a couple of days after, it was like nothing happened for him. But I wasn't over it, I thought about it so much after that, kept it to myself, didn't dare to say anything to anyone since he said that it made him feel awful. For me it took a really long time to ''forget'' it, but now I have been thinking about it nonstop for some time now and im just really confused of what is right about this. Did I really misread the situasion ? Was it actually my fault that I wasnt clear about what I wanted ? I can't do anything about that incident now, what I wanted was to come to terms with what this means and move on and continue to heal, but I feel like im stuck, like i've sat this whole incident on pause in the back of my mind, only now did I hit play again and I dont know what to do..
So yeah, thats been on my mind lately, thank you for reading and helping me.
I apologies if there are any error in my writing.
[This message edited by MssSunshine at 9:13 PM, Saturday, March 18th]