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Newest Member: Goku06

Just Found Out :
First heartbreak

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 MssSunshine (original poster new member #80962) posted at 1:39 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Hi

Yes, she was a very lovely lady and I felt very comfortable with her. I told her about my childhood,family and about the relationship I had with him. It was very hard but I did it anyways. I have already another appointment with her this friday.
I also went to my doctor today and told her that I was not ready to go back to work so I got a notice of illness? (is that the right word for it), she also got me sleeping pills and I got tested for all of the STD's. So im nervous of what the result will be in 3-4 days. But I feel a bit more relaxed after today so.. Yeah.

I have decided that Im going to try to attend my further education and see what its like. I can always drop out later if its too much, but im trying so thats good enough for me.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2022   ·   location: Norway
id 8756335
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 4:35 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Well done on attending therapy and seeing your doctor!

Self-care is a very necessary part of this journey.

The benefits are vast and may even surprise you.

All the best!

BW x2
Recovering
2020

posts: 419   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8756371
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FunHouseMirror ( new member #80992) posted at 5:08 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Hello Miss Sunshine (love your user name!)

I am posting for the first time because my story reminds me so much of yours. Many many years ago, I was in the same position you are in. I was engaged to my true love, and looking forward to spending my life with him. Halfway through our engagement, I found a letter written to him from a woman in Texas, a place he traveled to for work several times a year. I don't remember what it said, but it was clear that this was both a physical and emotional affair. I was devastated.

But I loved him so much. I let him talk me into coming back with the promise that it would never happen again. We did get married, and then, I traveled with him from place to place for our work. While traveling, I found phone numbers of other girls. I got angry, and we fought, but yes, he talked me back to him. (It probably didn't take much. I wanted to believe him so much.)

Some time went by, and one day, while cleaning, I found another letter. It was from the girl in Texas letting him know she had had his baby; a boy. I was shocked. And devastated. I always thought we would one day start a family...but...he had already started one. With someone else. I tried to get past it. The cheating, the baby, the collecting of others' numbers, but I looked into my future and didn't like what I saw. Years of hoping and praying that one day he'd change. That one day, I would be enough for him. I left him and he begged me to come back. For years he tried, but I was done.

It is now about 25 years since this happened. I am married to a good man. He loves me and would never cheat on me. He is a good and honest man. My first love was so charming, and seemed so sincere, but I have no doubt, that had I stayed, I would have spent years of my life wondering why I wasn't enough, and why he wouldn't change for me. I am so grateful for the girl I was back then. The girl (because I was 19 when I married him.) who had the wisdom and the courage to walk away and to make a new life for herself. Look carefully into your future, and make your decisions for the person you will become. Go to school, hold your head high, and live your beautiful life in a way that gives you the best chance for future happiness. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.

Oh, and that first love? He's been in and out of relationships, and can't seem to stop himself from catting around. There's something missing inside of him that he's trying to fill. Don't try to fill a cheater's void. There's not enough love in the world to repair it.

[This message edited by FunHouseMirror at 5:09 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8756381
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 MssSunshine (original poster new member #80962) posted at 9:50 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Thank you HardKnocks, I really appreciate it. I hope I can get some positivity in my life or something to keep me motivated.

Also thank you FunHouseMirror.

I am sorry to hear that you went through something like that but im also glad that it seems like you found your way out and got your happy ending.

Its just that I feel like he got me so wrapped around his finger and he knows it. He knows that I did everything to make him smile even when I had a bad day because when I saw the smile on his face..I would feel so much better. I feel sometimes that all of these things that happened was my fault or that I wasn't a good girlfriend.. i dont know...He texted me late last night and told me that his birthday was shit to celebrate without me and that he misses me so much. He sends me a couple of videoes of his birthday a couple of years ago when I suprised him with alot of stuff and did all these nice things. ( He has a history of having shitty birthdays so he wasn't keen on celebrating it before he met me). So I made sure that all of his birthday was filled with love and care. After he sent these messages last night, I felt so bad and just really awful.

Im just thinking that I want things to get better so bad and have this wonderful life with him, but everytime I imagine my future with him, all I see is this child he is expecting with someone else and all the times he cheated on me. When he's saying all these nice words again its just..I feel so confused and more confused when I think about it more and ends up breaking my own heart. When I think about all these nice things he is saying to me and then I remember what he did, it always feel like it ends with a but..but..but.

I feel like this is not the right way to be treated or having so much doubt, fear,sadness and feeling hurt all the time in an normal relationship. I thought that what I had with him was normal or that was just he told me since he knew I didnt have an clue in relationships.. This all just sucks so hard.

[This message edited by MssSunshine at 9:53 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

posts: 7   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2022   ·   location: Norway
id 8756435
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 1:08 AM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

Hello MssSunshine,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

All I would add is, if your 20 year old daughter came to you with this story, how would you advise her?

You are someone's daughter. I wish you well.

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 1:09 AM, Thursday, September 22nd]

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 173   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8756463
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 4:34 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I know I am a sweet and kind girl so I told him that the past doesn't need to define him as long as he doesnt make the same mistanke again with me.

MssSunshine, this statement struck out at me. How from a young age we are socialized to be "sweet and kind" girls, and tolerate a lot of disrespect. I’ve been 18 and in love before, I remember that heady feeling. I empathize a lot. I’m so sorry your first love didn’t appreciate you and love you the same. Think about this, how much you love him, would you ever do anything like this to him? Never. He does not love you, and I don’t even think he believes that he does, he’s extremely manipulative and capitalized on a less experienced 18 year old who likes to believe the best in everyone. He has shown you multiple times who he is, but you’re in love, so you may not have learned your lesson yet. Rationally, the biggest predictor of a person’s future behavior is their past behavior. Perhaps your ex at some point in the future can be faithful, highly unlikely, but for certain, he cannot be faithful to you. You’ve accepted a lot of disrespectful behavior, open and blatant cheating, and it took him getting someone pregnant that you have stood up for yourself. However you are playing with fire and liable to fall for his charm again. He will never be faithful to you if you take him back because he knows he doesn’t have to be because you’ll just keep taking him back. The best thing for you to do is quit him. Look at him like a drug. Of course everything feels like crap and it felt good to get a hit of him. You’re addicted. But he’s no good. You can’t get over him if you remain enmeshed. Unfortunately it’s probably best to move on from his family as well. Cheaters don’t think at all how their actions have widespread consequences and affect relationships of all connected. Because cheaters only consider themselves. Congratulations on school and I’m so happy you’re in therapy.

posts: 242   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8756538
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FunHouseMirror ( new member #80992) posted at 10:45 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

Miss Sunshine,

Please listen to Aletheia. She is so right.

I also remember doing very special things for my ex husband's birthday and other holidays. I remember how I felt about him. Like my heart would burst with love for him. As beautiful and lovely as those feelings were, the pain of his lies and his cheating, were just as low. It's been close to forty years now. Forty years. And I can still feel everything I felt back then.

Here's a secret that nobody ever tells you; we don't change. We don't change (much) from the people we are in our late teens and early twenties. Yes, we may grow some, (physically, mentally and emotionally) but who we are at our core, is who we carry throughout our lives. I swear I am still that same 19 year old girl who fell in love with that young man. But now I see him for who he is and was. I don't blame myself because I was naive and looking through love-blinded eyes. But I sure wish I had made better decisions.

I hope that you are not me thirty some years from now, looking back, and wishing you would have chosen a wiser (and happier) course. You don't see it, but the whole world is in front of you, and it is filled with people; some who will live up to your ideals, and some who won't. If nothing else, take a break for a year or two. If you still need this person in your life, maybe revisit it then. But I think you will find in time that he doesn't hold the same allure that he once did.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8756585
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