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Newest Member: Goku06

Reconciliation :
Need honest feedback


 Hopeful0729 (original poster new member #67614) posted at 1:40 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

My story is in my bio. Just passed 4 years since D-day. After a tough start on R (hadn't discovered SI!) FWH got his shit together and we are doing as well as can be expected. I haven't been worried about anything, honestly. Complete transparency, nothing shady, etc. Just got back from a great family week at the beach. A few nights ago, I had a dream that was so VIDID AND FELT so real, I woke in a panic. FWH had admitted to oral with a woman my daughter used to be friends with about 4-5 years ago. Now, I was never concerned about her and actually haven't thought of her in years. In hindsight, WH talked about her the same way her talked about AP- that she was loud, dramatic, annoying- he isn't wrong, I never cared for her either. But I never suspected anything with AP either, not in a million years. Anyway, I have no proof and I feel insane I'm even entertaining this idea that something happened! Do dreams mean anything??? Is my gut telling me something? I literally feel like I'm losing it.

Me 42
WH 59
4 kids
D-day 8/27/18
Working on R
WH had a 2-week PA with former COW

posts: 21   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8755154

FireandWater ( member #80084) posted at 2:14 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

My grandma used to interpret dreams for us. Here's my take - In the back of your mind, you're still worried about something happening. It's like you're just waiting for the proverbial "other shoe to drop." You mentioned that the woman in your dream has characteristics much like AP. Perhaps you subconsciously made that comparison in the past. So that little nagging fear of making a new discovery came together in your dream. I would say that's pretty normal, given all that's happened in the past. It doesn't mean your WH has done anything wrong. It's just your mind making connections based on (very normal) fear of past events occurring again.

WH and I are working on R and my biggest issue right now is trust. I dreamed the other night that he was driving. I was in the front seat and our older son was in the back. We were on a winding road and WH wasn't being careful enough for my comfort. I kept pointing things out and he kept saying, "It's fine. I've got it!" Suddenly he missed a curve and we were tetering on the edge of a cliff. Then the car started falling and I was yelling, "I love you" over and over to my son in the backseat. We landed with a huge jolt but everyone seemed to be OK. I woke up at that point and immediately thought, "I still don't trust him not to drive us off a cliff." I wasn't surprised by the dream. I told WH about it and what I thought it meant. He understood. He knows he still needs to earn my trust. Our minds do strange things while we sleep!

posts: 100   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2022
id 8755164

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 12:27 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

I actually keep a dream log. It more of a spreadsheet really. But I list date, dream, feelings upon waking and interpretation [God bless Google].

Even in my youth I believed in what dreams are trying to tell us. I used to go to the library frequently to look stuff up like that. I even have a few books I've purchased over the years.

Over time, I can look back on my dream log/spreadsheet and sometimes a pattern will emerge. I make a separate column for that too. grin

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3533   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8755205

Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 2:16 PM on Thursday, September 15th, 2022

3 1/2 years out for me. Every once in awhile, I'll have a crazy vivid dream like yours. I think it is just my brain continuing to process the ick of it all. But, it is usually so triggering, it will take me back into trust, but verify mode. Hang in there.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 269   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8755370

BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 1:53 PM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

Hi @Hopeful0729 From my own experience, I do think some dreams have meanings and can be a forewarning sometimes. In my case I did use to have vivid dreams of finding out that my H had been unfaithful to me even before I found out in reality. I think sometimes you can have a gut instinct that is something is not quite right which then may come out in dreams, or it may be that the dream is actually to help you to be on guard or put in place safeguards to protect your marriage.

If the communication between you and your H is great, I would suggest you talk to him about the dream. Ask him if there is anything that is going on with him that you should be concerned about but don't make it accusatory, instead let him know that the dream was a surprise to you and could not understand why you had it.
It might surprise you that this conversation could be one that might cause your H to take note of how important it is for him to keep working on rebuilding your trust in him and if maybe there is a temptation lurking somewhere he would think twice.

In the meantime, please try not to let this dream take away your peace, stay hopeful!

posts: 219   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8755504

 Hopeful0729 (original poster new member #67614) posted at 6:52 PM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

Thanks everyone for the kind replies. I have felt better this week, but he has noticed I've been "off" so I am going to bring it up (not in an accusatory way) but the reaction may tell me a lot.

Me 42
WH 59
4 kids
D-day 8/27/18
Working on R
WH had a 2-week PA with former COW

posts: 21   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8755621

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 2:39 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I have felt better this week, but he has noticed I've been "off" so I am going to bring it up (not in an accusatory way) but the reaction may tell me a lot.

You have to emphasize the importance of honesty. Yes, the truth may, or may not hurt you, but it is so important to keep that process of rebuilding trust going.

I guess the million dollar question is, if he claims there was nothing, do you feel you can accept his word?

2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4078   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8755834

AnnieOakley ( member #13332) posted at 9:24 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

I can on some level relate to this. For many years+++ in my marriage I used to have a dream about being chased by someone that was trying to hurt me--at least once a week. Moaning, crying out, "running" in my sleep, etc. My xh always would have to gently wake me up. If I was traveling or alone, I would eventually wake myself up in complete terror. Heart racing, eyes wide open, heavy breathing.

Since my D almost 8 years ago, I can recall having that dream 2-3 times. I truly believe my subconscious knew what I didn't about my xh.

But I have also had the dream that Bea Author from the Golden Girls was the QB for the Denver Broncos. laugh rolleyes

So I don't trust alllll of my dreams!


Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1700   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: Pacific Time Zone
id 8756080
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