SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all, it has been a long time since I have posted. Reading my profile and I originally joined in 2006 I was like Whoa!

My situation now is very decent, I live in Western Canada with a guy I have been with now for 13 years - he is 21 years younger than me but our relationship has been the best of my adult lift. Both my adult female children have moved West and my youngest daughter is expecting her first child next month - (my kids both love my partner and he is fantastic with them). I am over the moon excited about being a grandparent as is my partner. We were recently at a family gathering for his family and he mentioned to his Dad that we are really looking forward to being grandparents. His father did not take this well at all stating that he can't be a grandfather as he has never been a parent. Now I am not sure how we approach this going forward. We had full intentions of being referred to by this child as Grammy and Grampy. What do people do if they are the "step" grandparent? Everybody that I know personally who has a "step" grandchild feels that the child is their grandchild. I realize it is probably the age thing that has his father reacting in this manner but seriously we have been together for 13 years, are building our second house together and own 2 companies together. My partner walked the daughter who is having the baby down the isle for her wedding. We call each other family members would this not extend to our grandchild?

My kids called my step dad (who married my mom while I was in college) Grandpa First Name, and it got shorted to grandpa sometimes but they usually included his name too.

My kids call my stepfather grampa. Don't let someone else ruin what is going to be a happy moment for the two of you. Together, with your daughter, you decide what he shall be called and everyone else can go pound salt :)

Who says your SO's father gets to make the rules? As my dad always said, opinions are like assholes; everybody has one!

Don't let one opinion change your plans and congratulations on becoming grandparents!

My father married AP. The blended families aren’t blended anymore since my father died. I am amicable with my stepmother and we text a few times a year. Dad and her were married for 25 years. I call her by her first name. My own children don’t see her enough to know what to call her. They just follow my lead. She’s just another lady to them really. It feels like we started from scratch and my parents generation won’t leave much of a trace. She’s with a new guy now anyway. I haven’t met him and don’t want to.

[This message edited by straightup at 1:25 PM, Friday, September 9th]

First off - congrats on the new baby! How exciting for you guys!

His father did not take this well at all stating that he can't be a grandfather as he has never been a parent.

Sounds like his father needs reminded that bloodline is not a requirement to be a father and ditto for a grandparent. That this child is blessed to have a bonus grandparent...blood or not.

If you daughter had your guy escort her down the aisle, then it sounds like she has accepting him as a bonus parent.

Now I am not sure how we approach this going forward. We had full intentions of being referred to by this child as Grammy and Grampy.

Good news - your guy's father does not get to pick the names you are called. That usually comes from your child and ultimately your grandchild. Meaning, you can pick Grammy....and then some funny situation happens and your grandbaby ends up calling your something else altogether.

So if your guy and your DD are onboard with him being Grampy, then that is all that matters.

I know it is hard but don't let this take up too much of your head space.

PS - I actually grew up with this situation. My grandmother had remarried before I was born. The grandchildren always called him by his first name. There was never a grandparently-name thrown with it. I am not sure why - but I am thinking it probably had something to do with the scenario you are experiencing with your guy's father.
It is a shame because this guy was a grandfather in every sense in my life.

My wife is stunned at how much my mother treats her children like the other grandchildren. Even the two older ones which have never really lived with us. My wife's mom wouldn't have. I think mom's just happy that I have kids of a sort even if they are not my own. Their actual grandparents are alive, so it's not really a replacement, but a bonus GP. You don't need anyone's permission to create and name the relationships as you see fit. Kid's never have too many people that have their backs no matter what.

thank you everybody, I really appreciate the input. This is new territory for all of us.

messyleslie - I had grandparents and great grandparents on both sides alive when I was a kid and this is what we did Grandfer Jack or Grandfer Strickland when we were referring to them in conversation but talking to them it was Grandfer.

nomudnolotus - this was my first reaction but as I am getting older I am trying to be more inclusive in some family discussions. My SO's father can be difficult and I don't want to completely alienate him.

Solarchick - thank you, we are over the moon about this baby - it is a girl and we can't wait to meet her.

straightup - we have actually had this conversation in my family a few times. Families are so fluid now - my brother's ex-wife I still consider my sister-in-law and the kids still call her aunt - we love her regardless if she is with my brother or not but other family members after a divorce have just disappeared from our lives.

EvenKeel - thank you for the personal reflection - I think a lot of people have gone through or are in the same situation and for sure there are no rules to follow

grubs -I love this a bonus grandparent

I find myself less accommodating as I get older. My dad is on his third wife, I tried really hard with the second one, and she was not a nice person. This one is nice on the surface, but very selfish. I don't try at all, I figure I'm at my limit!

When my eldest daughter was born, she had four sets of living grandparents, and two sets of living great grandparents. But none of the sets of parents could be together at the same time. It was kind of a nightmare lol.

My daughter called them all grandma or grandpa or grammy, or whatever they liked, she never seemed to notice of care that some of them weren't blood, they were all just grandparents to her :)

His father did not take this well at all stating that he can't be a grandfather as he has never been a parent.

I'm wondering if this comment is less about semantics and more about resentment. You and partner didn't have children together, so he didn't get his chance to be "grandpa" to his son's kids. Even if he has a warm relationship with your daughters, it sounds like they would have been teens when you and your partner started dating, and I imagine it took some time for everyone to believe it would be a permanent thing.

I'm not saying you or your partner owe him anything. It's your life. I just mean that if this is what's brewing under the surface, it's very different from an actual societal question if whether calling your partner "Grampy" is appropriate.

My sibling and I had no living bio grandparents. My dad’s stepfather (who raised him since he was 4) and his second wife we called Grandpa and Grandma (Surname). They treated us like bio grandkids while we were young, although we didn’t have a super close relationship as we only saw them once or twice per year. When I refer to my mother’s parents, who were deceased before I was born, I say "Grandfather" and "Grandmother" to distinguish from "Grandpa and Grandma (Surname)".

I think whatever works for you and your partner and your daughter is perfect. No one else gets a say.

My kids are 12 and 7. I don’t think they have any clue which grandparents are blood related or not. Both sets of grands are divorced and remarried. The kids decided what they would call them. I wouldn’t overthink it!