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Reconciliation :
For those who are healed, when did the waves of sadness stop?

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 IAF7 (original poster new member #80719) posted at 4:40 AM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

Piggybacking off ny earlier post about being stuck. For those who feel they are healed, how long in months or years was it before the waves of sadness stopped enough that you felt healed? Any other insight on how to move through and past them?

I am almost 2 years post dday. It was double betrayal and also several other more minor infidelities through the years. My H has remained committed to both of our healing and reconciliation and is doing close to everything right. We have good IC and MC. But the waves of sadness are still happened often and I am in a huge one right now which is similar to the POLF. After my last post I identified that I don’t feel like H engages me on his own enough to talk about all this and have felt very alone and tired of carrying the pain. He is now working in depth on this issue in both the whys and the actions he needs to take.

I guess I just want to know that it is typical to be this far out with a WH who is all in and still going through waves of sadness. Hearing how long others took to move out of this may boost my hope and desire to get there too. Right now I am feeling pretty defeated a lot of the time and turning into my own head and solitude to cope, which is my defense mechanism.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2022
id 8754053
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:33 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

I was struggling for 3 years after Dday.

Then I decided I needed to stop living in the past and allowing the Affair to rule my life. It was the first thing I thought about the second I woke up.

That had to stop.

My mindset needed to focus on the future and the positives of our marriage. And that helped me tremendously.

I hope this helps you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12497   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8754075
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:08 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

About 2 years for me for the waves of grief to stop, but I didn't consider myself healed and R'ed until 3.5-4 years after d-day. No TT or other hurts hit me after d-day (although triggers sure did!).

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27569   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8754119
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 10:21 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

I’m two years out and don’t have many complaints about how my husband has handled things, though him working with his AP has been the source of many triggers and bumps along the reconciliation road.

I still get waves of sadness and flatness. I go through periods where I feel a lot better and almost back to normal, but I’ve hit a wave of sadness/depression over the last month. So I guess it’s normal.

I do try to consistently choose not to dwell on things, to try to look forward rather than back, and to pursue activities that make me happy. It helps, but it’s not a cure-all.

I’m very sorry. You’re not alone.

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling

posts: 230   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8754142
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 IAF7 (original poster new member #80719) posted at 3:01 AM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

1stwife and sisoon, thank you for sharing your experience with me. Grieving, thank you as well and for helping me know I am not alone.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2022
id 8754167
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jailedmind ( member #74958) posted at 10:09 AM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

I am 8 years out. Most of the time I don’t think about it but it does rest it’s head sometimes. I find It’s the little voice in your head that says something. Like my wife will say something off colour and I think ya whatever you screwed someone else or I have some other thought which makes me think less of her character. I find your not sad or mad but you just kind of learn to live with it. It pops into your head once and awhile and you just tell yourself that was a long time ago it’s not now. You don’t get over it. You get through it. For us we rarely talk about it now and if it is mentioned my wife will change the subject really fast. Like many waywards she is extremely ashamed about it. Dredging it up is really awkward for her. She would do it if I asked but it’s kind of pointless now. But I find i will think about it when I’m stressed or disagreeing with her or she brings up something that will trigger me . It’s not often but it’s just something you learn to live with, You just need to learn to live with your new reality. grieve the old one and learn to embrace the new one. pretty cliche but it is actually true.

posts: 115   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2020
id 8754181
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 IAF7 (original poster new member #80719) posted at 5:00 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Thank you for this. I think part of my problem is accepting my new reality. I need to work on that more but it has been very hard for me.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2022
id 8754306
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Marlita ( member #72286) posted at 6:00 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

IAF7,
I am 4+ years since our DD, and it still rocks my world!
The multiple levels of damage are irrecoverable, in my case.
It’s like trying to re-believe in Santa Claus!!!
It’s crippling…in so many ways!
Kudos to those who have healed/forgiven/worked through it or accepted it.
I am a survivor, because I’m still here, but the pain is immeasurable.
As strong as we are, this type of betrayal is, beyond devastating.
You are certainly not alone and it sucks that we’re here.
I feel your pain…to the core!
You have to get through this however you can.
Not by what anyone else says, but by how you feel.
We’re all different here.

You are totally entitled to take your time, learn more about yourself and what’s worth fighting for or not.

YOU need to re-evaluate your own situation.

Reach out to a good therapist, spiritual guidance or whatever it takes!

Know this…you are important, special, strong and I just have a feeling that others look up to you!

Focus on doing good and believe in karma!

Feel free to reach out to me, as I am still in the trenches….we are all a work in progress!

🙏

posts: 99   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8754308
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jailedmind ( member #74958) posted at 9:53 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

I remember having a real problem accepting the institution of marriage after the affair. My perspective came from my parents. They were together for 40 years until my mom passed. I had a hard time reconciling what I thought marriage was vs what it was. For me getting married meant some sort of invisible shield protected you from infidelity. In my family growing up it was unheard of having an affair. My wife’s family had numerous divorces and affairs. After the affair I had to come to grips with my new view on marriage. And that really was difficult. The person who is supposed to have your back above all others didn’t. That was hard to accept. Losing your naivety and that special trust leaves a hole in you. And it takes a long time to get out of it. Time heals. How much is different for everyone. But there isn’t a magic pill or program or therapist that will ensure you that on this day at this time you will be healed. I looked everywhere for relief. Like looking for the holy grail. It just didn’t exist for me. So eventually I learned to accept it. And not so much as I learned acceptance but that I found putting my energy into other things made me feel better than dwelling on something I cannot change. Blindly trusting anyone is a fools errand. And a very hard lesson to learn.

posts: 115   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2020
id 8754315
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BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 5:38 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Hi @IAF7 I'm so sorry you've had to go through the pain of betrayal and the after effect that can take time to heal from. Honestly, I don't think there is a certain time frame and everyone is so different in how they heal and what has happened to them.

In my own situation, it did take more than two years for me to come that point that I felt I was completely healed even though my H was doing all he could to rebuild the broken trust so you're not alone. Healing of this kind takes time and even more so if it was a double betrayal and several minor infidelities, because that is a lot to have to deal with and still make the choice to R.

I do understand what you mean when you say you sometimes feel alone and tired of carrying the pain, but I want to encourage you to stay hopeful and trust that the near future will bring complete healing for you and true R for your marriage.

It's great that you have good IC and MC, I found both to be really beneficial for my H and I in our journey of R. Personally, for me the strength to push through the waves of sadness came from my Christian faith. My understanding that I was loved completely and unconditionally by God really helped me see my worth and I knew despite what had happened in my marriage, I was worthy of love that could be trusted.
Also having a couple of close family members who were very supportive, and I could talk to whenever the waves of sadness came helped me move through those moments feeling stronger emotionally. Withdrawing into myself was also something I did but had to find a way to use that time to nourish my soul and I decided to learn watercolor painting and modern calligraphy which I actually found quite therapeutic at the time.

Sending you hugs))) and a prayer that you will be able to see the light at the end of this tunnel and you will begin to experience many joyful moments that will overshadow those waves of sadness.

posts: 219   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8754370
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Fof9303 ( member #70433) posted at 7:50 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

I am sorry that you are still experiencing so much sadness. I don't think there is a one size fits all for how long it takes. I always remember one day thinking "wow I made it through my morning without giving it a thought" You will get there also. I don't believe at two years out we were discussing it much anymore. We were just moving on and making new memories and going about our lives. This is not to say there were not setbacks, triggers, and other things of the sort that needed to be addressed here and there, but in general we were not discussing it on a somewhat regular basis. It sounds like you guys are on your way to doing the right things for healing. Hope the future is bright for you. God Bless.

posts: 147   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8754398
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irwinr89 ( member #42457) posted at 2:57 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

3-5 years seems the norm, and like was said, it's important to build new good memories

posts: 71   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2014   ·   location: Miami
id 8754551
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:13 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

BS of a 4.5 year LTA with same LTAP. And one that had to have a Cease and Desist sent about 18 months ago for cyberstalking and trying to reach out.

The waves of sadness don't stop for me. However, I learned to ride them out and not get stuck in the undercurrents.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3532   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8754647
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 IAF7 (original poster new member #80719) posted at 2:44 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Thank you all very much for the insight.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2022
id 8754880
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psychmom ( member #47498) posted at 1:47 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

I’ll add my 2 cents on this. I was expecting things to move much more quickly with my healing since my H was remorseful and doing much of the work we’d want to see a cheater do to reform themself. But it took a good 3-4 years before I felt a real sense of normal return.

Funny but I’ve forgotten my exact DDay date now. I know it’s pretty much on the 8 year mark. During those early years I wanted more than anything to feel comfortable in my body snd mind again. Those waves of sadness and desperation take a huge toll on you. But it does end. I hope, for you, soon.

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4268   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Back among those who found Peace of Mind
id 8754917
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