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Off Topic :
Is it selfish to have some expectations

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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 2:08 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

In a friendship?

I'm at an age where I am sick of giving and not receiving anything back.

I want friendships where the other person will say hi once in a while, reply to a message or email, be honest.

Is that to much to ask?

I mentioned this to "a friend" who got cranky with me about it.

Seems I'm good enough to vent to and be expected to be there when they want but I'm selfish if I want the same....

What say you SI?

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24669   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8753914
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 9:20 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

Not selfish at all. Its not a relationship of any kind if there is no back and forth. Otherwise, its a one way ticket to feeling used.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 839   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8754013
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 9:23 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

No, I don't think you are asking too much.

I think true friends are hard to come by.

I'm at the stage in life where I don't make friends or see people through parenting activities anymore and I'm not working. Add in living in a rural area and it makes it difficult to meet people.

It seems like when I do make a friend they move or they are really busy or they disappear.

I had a very close friend for fifteen years who I helped through a divorce and a medical issue. I also made sure she was safe when she drank too much. She stopped answering my calls and texts and completely dropped me. I don't understand people.

I have another friend I've known for 35 years. She moved but we stayed in touch. She will go dark on me for years and then pop back into my life like never missing a beat. Weird, but I don't question it.

At this point, my one sister is my best friend. We are both there for each other and enjoy spending time together. I don't have expectations of others anymore. There may be things going on in their life that I don't know about.

I enjoy getting to know people, meeting new people and being a friend. I feel like I learn from others and people enrich my life.

I'm sorry you find yourself giving and not receiving when you need it.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2914   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8754014
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 9:52 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

I think what upset me was being able to see them active online, send a "how are you feeling" message and then they log off and never respond.

I spoke to them last night and said it was hurtful and I feel that I'm just being used. Helped them out a couple of times and now I get ghosted/ignored. They said they are shutting everyone out right now but "I won't shut you out forever".

I'm sorry that's not good enough for me anymore. To be like a plan B situation.

Only good enough to be a friend when THEY want something.

People are just hard. And ya being rural sucks. Communicating via internet or phone is a good way to stay in touch so when I got ignored it stings.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24669   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8754017
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 10:19 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

"They said they are shutting everyone out right now but "I won't shut you out forever".

That sounds a bit immature. Communicate like an adult. I would understand if they said they were taking some time because they were dealing with an illness or whatever but a vague statement that they are shutting everyone out is childish and dramatic.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2914   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8754022
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 11:45 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

Childish yes. But also like an excuse. Or deflection. I'm not just shutting you out so it's ok.

Well for me it's not.

I dont want to always be the one to initiate contact. Why can't they message or call me for once.

It's the same sort of deal with family too. The only time I ever got a call was because something was wrong or they want something. Never a causal call to see how the kids are doing or shoot the shit.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24669   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8754030
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 2:27 AM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

They certainly don't sound like a good friend.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2914   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8754043
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 3:03 AM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

They seemed to be for a while.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24669   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8754047
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 3:22 AM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

I think really deep, true friends are rare. I have a few that I've had for years. I also have the kind you are speaking of -- only call when THEY need someone to talk to or need some help. I will usually go out of my way to help people because I just do. But in time of crisis, when I really need a friend, I do know which ones to call. Honestly, there aren't that many. I guess that's just the way life is.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3284   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8754049
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 3:34 AM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

I have a couple good friends but they are overseas. We can go a long time not talking then just start up again like nothing happened. One in particular has been in my life since high-school. He's amazing. It's hard to actually chat in real time because of our time differences but I know he's always there and will ALWAYS respond to me if I send an email or message. None of this ghosting shit.

The thing is I'm just sick of shallow people. Why ignore me when I'm asking you how you are? And if there's an issue, I somehow offended them, grow the fuck up and be honest with me.

I'm tired of being the nice person. Always there for others. Where's the friend whose there for me?

This is why animals are easier than people!

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24669   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8754051
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 11:41 PM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

Ya know? Even before I became an SI-er (but even moreso now!) I didn't entertain wishy-washy friends. If they can't or won't be a real friend I wish them well and move forward. I spent a LOT of my younger years being very tied up in 'friendships' that were very one-sided. I am a ride-or-die type of friend and I expect the same consideration back and I no longer waste time or energy on those types. It does mean that I am not a person with a huge social circle, but it also means that if I need a friend to really BE there for/with me, all I have to do is ask and I 1000% know they will be there. I'll take quality over quantity any day!

So no, you are def not asking too much.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3561   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8754261
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 11:55 PM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

I realize everyone deals with stress and difficult times differently. This person is going through a difficult time and will talk my ear off when in person. They will also talk over others when in a group so no one could get a word in.

I just can't be there in person every minute so if I text or message asking how they are and they ignore me, it hurts, especially when I know they've seen the message.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24669   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8754268
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 1:51 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Animals really ARE better friends than people. If only they could talk as well as they listen.

Dragn, my BEST friends through the years have been more male friends than female. When I hear people say opposite sexes cannot be friends, I disagree. I had one friend since grade school. He and I always had each other's back. When I was married, my H understood the friendship, as did my friend's wife. They knew we had been close since grade school. When something happens to me and I want/need to talk to someone, he is the one I think of. Unfortunately I was selected by his wife do do the Eulogy at his memorial service last year. He passed from Covid. I sure miss him. I also have a friend from grade school and we've never lost touch. Her husband recently passed away from cancer so I've been trying to stay in closer touch with her.

Barbra Streisand is right ..."People who need people are the luckiest people in the world." But for some of us it's a few, very select group of 'people.'

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3284   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8754289
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 2:09 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Dragn, my BEST friends through the years have been more male friends than female.

Me too. That international friend I have is male. He's actually closer to my dad's age but he's been a damn good friend and loves updates and pictures of my kids. We've been friends since I was in school. He's always been there for me. Well as there as you can be from the opposite side of the world lol

I dont get along with many woman.

I think the people I got along with best were other reptile/exotic keepers. Wh and I went to every expo, we used to go to them even before we met. I probably saw wh at one point since he was a vender. Then we just stopped. Long before covid. Now there's only a couple expos a year. I should just go myself. See if any of the original folk are still there.

Ad much as I love thr country it is lonely out here. Not many people will bother to drive an hour to visit, that includes wh family!

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24669   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8754292
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:52 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Great idea Dragn. I think it would do you good to go to a show and talk to people. It will be easier to have people over when things are calmer for you. It's going to be better. A few that I knew drifted off when I was going through misery with ws. Some people don't want to be in the stress or even hear of it. I never went on and on but still....the people that are in contact most don't even know why we separated.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2388   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8754334
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