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I Can Relate :
BS Questions for WS - Part 15

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TrayDee ( new member #82906) posted at 9:26 AM on Sunday, February 18th, 2024

Hikingout...

My struggle and question today stems from this quote that my W echoed a month after Dday almost thought for thought...

In order to keep crossing boundaries, there is a lot happening psychologically. There is a lot of numbing, mentally throwing the spouse under the bus, even dehumanizing them to a certain extent.

For me, that looked like "my husband doesn’t love me he loves what I do for him that makes his life better". I painted him as emotionally unavailable. I felt a lot of resentment I had been storing. (When in reality, it was me not sharing, me not being emotionally available, me not feeling loveable)

What was it like for you emotionally and mentally when you realized you dehumanized the person you loved for your own selfishness?

And how did your BH react/feel when he discovered he was the villain in a story he didn't even know was being written?


Edit....
Even though I specifically asked and quoted Hikingout, ANY AND ALL feedback from ANY WS is greatly appreciated.
ALL of you are a tremendous help and I thank you.

[This message edited by TrayDee at 9:33 AM, Sunday, February 18th]

posts: 45   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2023   ·   location: MS
id 8825149
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Sonos ( new member #82948) posted at 2:10 PM on Sunday, February 18th, 2024

Braves Sir Robin, first of all thank you. Your thought process makes complete sense and I truly believe you!

My WW has said this exact same thing that "I and OBS were never mentioned" and I just have the hardest time believing that. They were in the same hotel during business trips a week at a time, 2-3 times a year for 4-5 years. We would communicate nightly about the kids but never once was the AP in the room? She never once went to his room? No pillow talk? Shared ILU's but no cuddle/talk time?

We went on family vacations prior and after the A time period. The OBS funeral, his second wedding. They never gave each other looks or smiles? He never reached out to WW about any of this? It was just over and never mentioned again?

Me 71 Her 70 Married 50yrs. LTA 4+yrs w/BF. D-Day 2020 lied to me for 35yrs and now TT's.Still married and plan on staying married.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Midwest
id 8825154
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 5:51 PM on Sunday, February 18th, 2024

We would communicate nightly about the kids but never once was the AP in the room? She never once went to his room? No pillow talk? Shared ILU's but no cuddle/talk time?

That, I can't speak to. I did spend a lot of time in the OM's room, with pillow talk, etc. I don't remember what we talked about most of the time, but I do remember my absolute dedication to keeping any discussion of my "real" relationship off the table. I would not have spoken to BH while OM was in the room.

I'm sure it happens. I've heard other WS admit to having done it, and unfortunately, I've heard worse, with affair partners deliberately engaging in risky sexual behavior just outside of the betrayed partner's view. The question was whether it's possible it never happened, and it is, because that was my experience.

WW/BW

posts: 3632   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8825176
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 7:57 PM on Sunday, February 18th, 2024

What was it like for you emotionally and mentally when you realized you dehumanized the person you loved for your own selfishness?

It’s hard to isolate single aha moments over the years because believe me when I say they have been numerous but they also have been incremental.

I think it’s safe to say that I have produced a river of regret and remorse that is mixed with self compassion. I am not sure that translates to a single moment in time. The self compassion is that I realize what my whole worldview was built on at that time. There was a lot of flawed thinking that brought about my actions and when you know better you do better.

For example, I did tell him a few times that I needed x,y,z and it was met with adamant resistance. I didn’t think maybe I could ask for things differently or work on it another way. I stoped asking, I stopped sharing. Instead I just held unconscious resentment over that any most unmet needs moving forward.

I can see I formed a limiting belief and things dovetailed from there. Of course that limiting belief didn’t justify cheating. But the resentments had hardened my heart towards him. It blocked feeling love and empathy towards him. My biggest regret is that I didn’t just go to him and say this isn’t working for me and we need to plan to divorce. I think that would have been something I was capable of in the situation I found myself in. Maybe we would have had a breakthrough or maybe I would have wobbled into another relationship and just kept hitting the same brick wall.

Of course I am sorry for the conscious decisions I made towards cheating. As for the unconscious things, like where I was believing he didn’t love me, he loved the benefits I offered him, I have compassion for myself that was my capability at the time for many reasons. I have changed those aspects as much as I can, and to me changed behavior is the best apology. I now express appreciation for the ways he shows his love for me because I don’t only look for the specific things I thought was love. I don’t think my hardening towards him could have been different with what I was working with. I am truly remorseful that I didn’t bring that to him or that I chose to cheat on him.

And how did your BH react/feel when he discovered he was the villain in a story he didn't even know was being written?

I don’t think I made him to be a villain. I think I felt taken for granted and unloved. I don’t blame my cheating on that. I tried so hard to earn the love and attention I was seeking, but those were unrealistic expectations and in reality I didn’t feel lovable so whatever he would have done wouldn’t have been enough for me. I would have always needed more. I had to learn to love myself so I could receive love. I feel my husband understand that. But his reaction at the time was to cheat on me. It mixed him up. At the height of his affair he gave me a new wedding ring saying I earned it. So nothing is linear for me to really give you good answers on.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7284   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8825189
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DuchessVivian ( new member #84436) posted at 8:49 PM on Tuesday, February 20th, 2024

What was it like for you emotionally and mentally when you realized you dehumanized the person you loved for your own selfishness?

Honestly, that isn’t what it felt like at the time. What I felt for AP was so all-encompassing and unlike anything I’d felt before. I felt like the pain AP and I would feel being apart was greater than the feeling our BS would feel. That made it easier for us to compartmentalize whatever pain our BS would feel from what we were doing.

That said, this was an exit affair on both sides.

And how did your BH react/feel when he discovered he was the villain in a story he didn't even know was being written?

When my xbh found out, it confirmed his suspicions, helped him process what he’d suspected but couldn’t prove. I had moved out already and he suspected why. He always was emotionally distant, but he put up an emotional wall between us that was total and complete, all because of my behavior, and finding out gave him the permission he needed to fully unplug. He took it hard personally, but never showed me how hard he took it. He didn’t get mad, but did make clear he was heartbroken. That said, he put in nothing more than a casual, obligatory attempt to fight for the marriage. I think he did it because he thought that’s what he was expected to do, not because he truly wanted to.

My APs wife, however, was devastated and it was a roller coaster of extremes for about a year and a half, punctuated with him leaving and coming back, hysterical bonding, agreeing to superficial reconciliation, agreeing to true reconciliation, and everything in between. He ultimately left for the final time about 18ish months after d-day after an undramatic mutual agreement. I’m not sure what changed about that time when he left, but at point both acknowledged it was over and they separated.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2024
id 8825368
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Jajaynumb ( member #83674) posted at 9:10 AM on Wednesday, February 21st, 2024

@DuchessVivian can you share your story? Are you still together with your AP?

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8825398
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WhiskeyBlues ( member #82662) posted at 3:11 PM on Wednesday, February 21st, 2024

In the earlier days of reconciliation how did you cope during particularly stressful periods of your life? For example work stress or maybe family stress?

Did you feel that perhaps your BS should cut you a little bit of slack or show you some grace in some way, despite their own pain?

Was your BS able to put their feelings aside temporarily, and give you this understanding?

If so, at what point?

[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 3:21 PM, Wednesday, February 21st]

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8825418
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 3:31 PM on Wednesday, February 21st, 2024

I sometimes would go back to isolating myself. I felt like I didn’t have time to have the breakdown I needed. I couldn’t answer some of the questions that I didn’t understand yet about myself and I felt like I was failing. I am not talking about affair facts, I knew those. I am talking about mindset facts because I didn’t know how to express most of the time I held two different feelings at once and that it was a common thing called cognitive dissonance.

It’s hard to juggle reconciliation and life. That’s just part of it. Exhaustion is common in both the bs and ws. There were times we scheduled our conversations. We also sometimes went out for a few hours together on the weekend to do something we enjoyed to kind of reenergize. Sometimes those things backfired.

It’s hard for a bs to put themselves back in the backseat again in priorities, and I don’t think it’s particularly fair. So maybe try scheduling some things so that you know it’s not being put off but your husband can buckle down and catch up at work. In the beginning that is a hard ask because so much comes up.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7284   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8825420
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DuchessVivian ( new member #84436) posted at 12:46 AM on Thursday, February 22nd, 2024

@DuchessVivian can you share your story? Are you still together with your AP?

TW:post affair AP relationship update


Yes, I am still with AP who is now my husband (since 2015). I very much regret how our relationship started and would have done things much differently. The outcome doesn’t justify the chaos it caused at the time. We would have both divorced without the affair and should have done so individually before getting into an affair. Weakness, selfishness, and stupidity along with plain old cowardice kept us from individually doing the right thing before entering into an affair.

As a quick snapshot to our story… Met XBH in 2001, engaged in 2003, married in 2005. I was 20 when we met, he was 30. Our relationship was fine. Never fireworks and magic, but I figured that was normal and so did he. We got engaged after I put extreme pressure on him as I was getting extreme pressure from my parents and his. We were roommates when we got married but, again, figured it was normal. By 2006-2007, we led 100% separate lives. Separate vacations, I slept on the couch, separate finances… Very much roommates. No animosity or anger, we just thought it was our normal and since his mom and her husband as well mine do similar (and my sister and her husband) we figured… Normal. Not happy, not miserable, just… Existing together. Not good, not bad… Though we were headed to bad as we were fundamentally disagreeing with increasing hostility on if we should have kids (I wanted, he didn’t).

Hindsight being 20/20, I thank God daily he knew better and fought so hard against it. If he’d say it or not, he knew we weren’t normal.

AP’s marriage was rocky. Met in 2004, engaged in 2004, married in 2005. Rushed to marriage in an unstable relationship as both were religious and they had engaged in premarital contact and were unofficially living together. After they got married, unstable turned to rocky pretty fast with wife on husband physical abuse. Child one was unplanned and the pregnancy almost intentionally ended, then things started to fall apart. Child two came after that, accidentally on purpose during a period where he had said he was leaving. In December of 2008ish, he discovered that she had been opening credit cards in his name online and had run up 20k in debt in his name and he says that was the pivot point where he checked out of their marriage.

Met AP (now husband, I’ll call him AP though) at work in 2008 shortly after that reconciliation for child two. We became friends, then best friends, then inseparable best friends by 2009, though I had not even the smallest idea what was going on at his home. He said bruises on his face and split lips, etc were from basketball. His XBW worked with us as well.

It’s hard to quantify when the EA began, but PA began in April 2009 and we expressed how we felt about each other when the PA started. We were discovered by his XBW in May 2009, she was devastated initially but said after a day or so she wanted to seperate because she hadn’t been happy in quite some time and was glad to have a reason to leave. That lasted until she told her parents and he told his, then she was relentlessly shamed by her mother and his for allowing the marriage to end. Then the pendulum swung back to extreme devastation because they were going to hell, allowing the marriage to end is a sin, etc etc.

As I said in the previous post, it was a roller coaster of reconciling, leaving, reconciling, hysterical bonding, trauma bonding, the gamut from May of 2009 through when he left the final time. In September 2009, he found out she had opened more credit cards in his name after the initial discovery, then ran up another 10k, stopping the spending in May 2009 when she pushed for R. When he left in November 2010, it was undramatically and mutually agreed upon, though she held "just in case" space for him to come back and frankly, I think still does despite being remarried with a child with her second husband… Though I don’t think it’s because she misses the marriage.

Meanwhile, I moved out of my home in August 2009, was discovered by my XBH in September/October 2009. I was divorced by spring of 2010. My divorce was simple and uncontested, we didn’t even go to court. He filed on Monday, I got a call asking if I was sure I agreed to the terms and wanted to waive a trial on Weds, I did, and I had the decree in-hand by Friday. Regardless, we divorced, by December of 2009 my XBH found his forever person, fell madly in love with her, and they’re still together with 4 kids.

AP filed in 2012, it was granted in 2013 and was largely non-contentious despite the at times rocky coparenting. We didn’t find out it wasn’t finalized until 2015 due to a court error, but it was resolved and we married in 2015.

In the time since, she discovered she had mental conditions and sought treatment, and we had a great co-parenting dynamic. She also got remarried and for awhile we were two households where we got along. We celebrated holidays together, met socially, lived within walking distance, and everything was everything, until one of the children informed us they were being abused by the new husband.

There was an investigation, the state determined that there was significant, graphic abuse present being perpetuated by both parties, and the state gave my now-husband/former AP full custody. She had to demonstrate she was on medication, illicit drug free, go to anger management, and complete parenting classes and she could have supervised visits on the road to regain custody. Her husband was barred any contact with the kids, supervised or otherwise. He told her it was him or the kids, she chose him, and she hasn’t seen them or spoken to them in going on three years. Her family now assumes her visitation and also has had limited contact for two years, by her new husbands choice… Her family attempted to extricate her from him, but she insisted all is fine, the kids lied, and when they apologize they can return. Her family states that the problems began when her new husband said meds were a weakness which is why he won’t take his and is fine, so she went off of them, and that led to frequent mutual combat and a cycle of illicit substances, infidelity, and abuse on both sides which is ongoing to this day. In 2021, we found out that she had opened credit cards in XWH’s name.

Which leads me to why I’m here… The kids have been with us several years now and ask questions about how AP and I met, what happened, and such. We answer those honestly, but lately they’ve said that they have no wonder at why their father cheated and left their mother. This makes me feel like they lay the blame for our affair entirely at their mother’s feet, which isn’t true… His choice to cheat and my choice to cheat and participate in cheating was not the fault of their mother. It was our fault, our responsibility. We each own our parts in the dysfunctions we brought into our respective marriages, but the dysfunctions as the result of the affair are 100% ours. I’m hoping by being here that I can learn how to humble myself to try and give a perspective on their mother they don’t have now, or is clouded by what they’ve been through and with her. We have therapists for them and for us together, but it was suggested coming here to participate and see/learn so that we can learn how to share from a perspective that they don’t have without their mother in the picture. I do *a lot* of lurking and reading, participating only when I think I can give insight that’s helpful and not hurtful.

Basically, even though the affair is way in the past, and even though some would say it "really worked out for us" given we are still together and happy, there are still repercussions that impact everybody years and years down the road that need to be addressed. I realize that my story is deeply, deeply triggering and so I’m trying to stay in my lane, I know sharing my story opens me up to a lot of judgment… I just want to help my family. XBW is not the bad guy in the affair, I don’t want her to be the bad guy for the affair, I just want to be able to talk about it as it was without blame on her when I talk to the kids.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2024
id 8825503
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Jajaynumb ( member #83674) posted at 8:15 AM on Thursday, February 22nd, 2024

Thanks for sharing your story. I think it’s admirable that you’re trying to help those kids and not use their BW mother as the villain of the story.

Do you have a lot of guilt towards the BW? It sounds like the affair crushed her and started her life spiralling down losing her kids and getting with an abusive partner. The story about her and your new husband (AP) having a dead relationship doesn’t make sense. It sounds like she was completely blind sided and it was the catalyst that pretty much destroyed her life.

I don’t know how you make her life better. But that is what needs to happen so she can have a relationship with her kids.

Thank you for posting, I imagine it’s not easy to admit what you have.

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8825548
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DuchessVivian ( new member #84436) posted at 2:16 PM on Thursday, February 22nd, 2024

Do you have a lot of guilt towards the BW? It sounds like the affair crushed her and started her life spiralling down losing her kids and getting with an abusive partner.

It’s not as simple as yes and no.

On one hand, I feel a lot of guilt and blame for it and wonder if there was no affair, if he had stayed, would she be where she is. I think about that a lot. He says because of the financial and physical abuse, he would have ultimately left at some point, and it would have been a similar disaster, but it doesn’t make the way it did happen any better or make it better.

On the other, especially after therapy sessions where the kids talk about what they went through, I just feel angry and I can’t see past that. Affair or not, how does somebody do to their kids the things they did? And think it’s ok? Yes, we were wrong, yes, the affair was wrong, but that doesn’t excuse what she signed off on with the kids. I just ask myself "at what point will she be accountable for what she did to these kids?"

So what I feel on any given day depends on how the day is going. Therapy helps sort it out and we have a great family therapist who adds perspective.

Do I think the affair started her on a spiral? For a time, yes. After he stopped fence sitting, though, and the end was the end, things improved. By the time they divorced, she was successful, happily dating, and super social. Coparenting had ups and downs when AP and her handled it, but not when I did, and after awhile she preferred I handle it exclusively. We lived within a mile of each other, celebrated holidays together, met each other for joint time together for games, etc. Things were good. I think the spiral came when she was in a relationship that ended, and despite initiating the breakup, she took it hard when he started dating again. She met her now-husband on the rebound and they went all-in super fast. He was a grand gesture guy who went big and hard and it all went from there.

The story about her and your new husband (AP) having a dead relationship doesn’t make sense. It sounds like she was completely blind sided and it was the catalyst that pretty much destroyed her life.

They had a rocky, tumultuous relationship that very much mirrors the one she’s in now. I had a roommate relationship with my XBH.

I don’t know how you make her life better. But that is what needs to happen so she can have a relationship with her kids.

We’ve done all we can in the scenario and the choice for a better life is ultimately a choice she has to make, not something we can do for her. When it comes to a relationship with the kids, most of it is out of our hands at this point. Right now we’re just focusing on contextualizing for the kids and helping them along through the process.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2024
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Jajaynumb ( member #83674) posted at 12:30 PM on Friday, February 23rd, 2024

Do you think your husband is being honest about the state of his marriage with his ex? Or do you think he’s painting it worse than it was to rationalise his behaviour and the subsequent fallout?

Do you think the affair was worth it given the fallout, drama and trauma the kids have been through?

Do you wish none of it ever happened and you just met someone else without all the baggage?

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8825712
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DuchessVivian ( new member #84436) posted at 3:27 PM on Friday, February 23rd, 2024

Do you think your husband is being honest about the state of his marriage with his ex? Or do you think he’s painting it worse than it was to rationalise his behaviour and the subsequent fallout?

Do I believe it happened? Yes. I personally saw bruising on his face, split lips, and I saw her closed-fist punch him in the face long before we were even friends, much less in an affair, and I know the financial abuse occurred because she freely and under no duress admitted to it in court. She also admitted to physical abuse in court. In the time since, her family verified the experiences and shared their own. And I see it occurring again with her new partner. A lot was revealed about what they do to each other during the investigation and it all sounded familiar to my husband.

During the affair, he didn’t say much about her or what their marriage was like. Only effusive stuff like it wasn’t great. He went into very little detail, though. I did ask about what I did see her do, like when I brought up the punch I saw, but he just did not engage. I think he rounded down how bad it was for a long time, during and after the affair, because he truly in his heart of hearts thought that DV was only man on woman, not woman on man. Over time, and with the therapy, he’s come to accept that isn’t the case. He doesn’t (and didn’t) talk about it a lot… It all kind of came tumbling out in court, first during the divorce and then again during the incident with the kids.

Do you think the affair was worth it given the fallout, drama and trauma the kids have been through?

I mean, there’s no easy answer to that. I do wish we didn’t start as an affair. I wish we left our spouses before we started dating. I think where we are now is the exception, not the rule, and that we had to overcome the affair in order to be where we are now. I think not having that huge thing to overcome would have been ideal. I don’t think most people are able to overcome that kind of thing to go on to have a successful and healthy marriage. I very much wish we could have not started with that weight on our necks and started more authentically. I wish the kids didn’t have to deal with the abuse afterwards from her new husband. I wish that with every inch of my soul.

I also think that all he went through to get a divorce, though, would have occurred with or without me. Before I was even a friend, they both left and separated multiple times, before coming back, and then leaving again before coming back. I think that if he had left, or she had left, the families would have continued to intervene and put pressure on them to reconcile. I’m realistic about how we caused a lot of chaos I wish we hadn’t caused, but I also acknowledge that with their dynamic, there was chaos if one or the other left regardless.

Do you wish none of it ever happened and you just met someone else without all the baggage?

I wish we hadn’t had an affair. I wish we had ended things and struck up an authentic relationship, then dealt with the fallout of being separated/divorced people with our own baggage in a new relationship, vs starting the relationship with our own baggage plus the baggage we created. The baggage you create by starting after an affair is just insane, really, almost completely and 100% insurmountable. I think anybody who thinks about starting under those circumstances should know that however hard you think it is, however unified you think you are, you have zero idea just how hard it actually is. But no, I don’t ever find myself wishing for somebody other than him. I just wish for better circumstances to our meeting and starting our relationship.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2024
id 8825824
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Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 11:39 PM on Monday, February 26th, 2024

WS,
When you realized that your actions caused extreme pain, devastation, and destruction to someone you vowed to protect how do you work through that?

I once said something that hurt my daughter’s feelings and when she cried and told me I was absolutely devastated. We discussed it and she realized it was purely accidental and misunderstood.

But what you did was purposefully done. Do you experience gut wrenching pain from what you did to hurt your spouse or are you not even capable of feeling that? When you are reconciling and realizing the pain you cause does empathy come back?

[This message edited by Howcthappen at 3:34 AM, Tuesday, February 27th]

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 225   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8826184
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 12:57 AM on Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

This thread is for the intent of BS asking WS questions, however please do not focus those questions on a specific WS story.

Please return to asking more general questions.

If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 16686   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Anywhere and everywhere
id 8826196
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Notarunnerup ( member #79501) posted at 12:28 PM on Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

After your first Sexual encounter with your AP, how did you feel seeing your spouse? Did you feel guilty, triumphant, or nothing at all? Was hearing or seeing your spouse do things to show they loved you something you ignored or something that made you regret what you did?

posts: 80   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2021
id 8826224
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 6:07 PM on Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

WS,

When you realized that your actions caused extreme pain, devastation, and destruction to someone you vowed to protect how do you work through that?

I once said something that hurt my daughter’s feelings and when she cried and told me I was absolutely devastated. We discussed it and she realized it was purely accidental and misunderstood.

But what you did was purposefully done. Do you experience gut wrenching pain from what you did to hurt your spouse or are you not even capable of feeling that? When you are reconciling and realizing the pain you cause does empathy come back?

It was gradual for me.

Getting to the point I could have an affair came from a narrative about how my husband didn’t love me or treat me the way I deserved.

This wasn’t true, it was a product of myself not being able to receive his love because it didn’t look like I thought it should. A lot of unstated expectations and lack of communication on my end kept me from having more of what I did want in the relationship.

Add to the shame I felt. I felt shame before my affair from a lot of past unresolved trauma that I took responsibility for yet wasn’t my responsibility. And the shame from having the affair plus the residual shame, I felt at my absolute lowest.

So it took me some time to heal from my own actions. As I was doing that, it was hard to let in all that it did to him. For a long time it just felt like I was being beat down worse.

So I had to get over my own victim mindset. I needed to get a clear picture of my husband and myself, and take accountability for where I was standing. Shame is a useless emotion that holds you back from being able to be vulnerable. So I think what I am trying to illustrate is that avoidant behavior continued for many months after dday.

In the example with your daughter, you could talk through it and come to an understanding. You didn’t take that as a testament to who you are as a person. I think for sometime as a ws you take everything as a testament to what a piece of shit you are so productive conversations are difficult. (And I am in no way saying the bs shouldn’t be heard or understood- I think I was unable to give that)

To have empathy you must get to the place where you have steeped out of the shame and victimhood and have adopted a solutions mindset. I finally realized the only one who could improve the situation was me. And I loves my husband and needed to start showing up for him.

I think of it more like I did see his brokenness, and I also saw my own. I didn’t need to fix him, I needed to fix myself and give him the environment he needed to heal. The devastation wasn’t experienced in this one moment in time, it was an all encompassing destruction that I felt in every part of my life. We were both broken. And while he was very much the victim of what I did, I think for us it was like climbing out together. I don’t know how to say this - it was like if I tried to fix him it made it feel like to him I was trying to be above him. When he would try and fix me it would bring out my shame. But when we took each others hand and saw each other with great compassion, we were both coming at it from a vulnerable space.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:10 PM, Tuesday, February 27th]

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7284   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8826281
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Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 7:47 PM on Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

Thanks so much hikingout.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 225   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8826296
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Ragn3rK1n ( member #84340) posted at 5:41 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

DuchessVivian

Wow! Your story is something else. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being here!

BH (late 40s), fWW (mid 40s), M ~18 years, T ~22 years
DDay was ~15 years ago.
Informally separated for ~2 years and then reconciled and moved on. Have two amazing kiddos now.

posts: 131   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8826428
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twinflamed ( new member #83830) posted at 4:34 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024

Hi, I am new to this unfortunate club. My wife had a 10-month affair with her coworker. It was a very intense emotional and physical affair. I don't think it's necessary to explain what I'm going through. If you want the details of my story, then click on this thread- https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661846/she-burnt-me-with-her-twin-flame/

My questions are to those waywards who have successfully reconciled.

1. How did you earn back BS's trust in you? 

2. If you had the option to leave your marriage for AP, then why did you choose to be with your spouse?

3. Did you ever feel that you owe AP an explanation for going NC with them? If you did, then why did you feel that way?

4. Did you ever feel that AP is a victim of your deception?

[This message edited by twinflamed at 4:43 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

posts: 40   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2023
id 8826539
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