SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Newbie here...

Married for 17 years, 8 of which I was lied to. One child/baby, who is 20 months old. D-day was over 6 weeks ago and since then I've been on antidepressant, anxiety meds and I've been getting help by going to therapy once a week. Plan is to move out with the baby, get a job and try to take care of myself. The inconsistencies in his stories, blame shifting and desperate attempts to make me forgive and move on, just motivate me more to get out of this asap.

It hurts so bad, that I would rather be in physical pain. When will it get better? When will the pain ease? When will my brain comprehend that the person I loved and trusted, that the father of my baby and my best friend, is the same person that caused the worst pain in my life?

Please give me some hope that it gets better with time. Send some advices, if you have any.

Sorry you are here, like all of us are...

I am seven weeks out from D-day, so quite similar to you. I know the unimaginable pain you are in. Emotional pain has the same effect on the body and mind as physical pain, so you are feeling the same type of trauma. Having to care for a baby certainly can't make it eaiser.

I'd like to give you an answer as to when it will get better, but can't. It is so raw for you right now. All of us heal on our own timeline, and just when I feel I'm having a good day things go badly again. I will say this, I am in a better place now then when this all began. I attribute that to a few things: a very strong friend and family support system, and I have a good therapist. Do you have people you can reach out to? Do you have a therapist?

One question, why would you move out? YOU did nothing wrong, and YOU have a baby to take care of. HE should be moving out.

Keep posting. The wonderful people here on SI have given a lot of good advice and support to me over the last number of weeks. They all understand what you are going through, as only we can. Hang in there.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 12:35 AM, Sunday, August 14th]

It DOES get better with time, shock will turn to anger which will eventually turn to accepting the situation you’re in and acting. You are not mourning something you lost, you’re mourning something that never was.

You and the baby are the most important things now. Every week you will feel stronger, every step towards independence will help.

Every situation is different but there’s a surprising number of similarities. The forums here are very helpful. I thought the book " Not Just Friends" was good. Emailing with people who have made it to peace will help.

Give yourself some breaks from thinking about it. This may seem hard but actively try it and then lengthen the breaks. Hugs to you

Hey MKaaa

I am so sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. Unfortunately it will hurt for a long time, but it really does get better with time.
Good for you for getting into IC (therapy) and talking to your doctor about meds — you need to put yourself and your kiddo first.

1) Get STD testing and made him do it too (and show you the results) if you are still having sex with him. Use protection until test results are back. You may be furious at him, but often we still have sex as a way to handle the stress and "claim" our relationship and all sorts of weird reasons.

2) Eat well, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, and get some exercise every day. This will help your body and your mind. If you are not sleeping well, talk to your doctor.

3) See a lawyer and don’t tell you WS about it. Just go learn what D would look like where you live. It REALLY helps to understand the laws and what you are entitled to. Knowledge is power, so talk to a lawyer and get educated. This will help with you planning for your future, too,

You mention you will be looking for a job— do you need to get some skills sharpened ? What is your local support system? Who can you talk to IRL?

You didn’t share a lot of details, so hard to give specific advise. But you can and will get through this. You are stronger than you know.

MKaa. You have already done smart things, by getting on medication and getting counseling. Wow. A 20 month old and you are dealing with this. I'm so sorry for you. It will get better. Right now you are in shock and your world has been blown apart, but to your credit, a lot of us didn't act nearly so quickly on getting help.

I felt just like you do. How could this person I thought was my anchor become the chain around my neck. It's so hard to deal with. But the best thing you can do right now is take a deep breath and take care of only you and your precious little one. You don't need to make any decisions right now about him. But you are smart to be trying to figure out your escape plan. But give yourself time.

We are all here for you.

I’m sorry for you. Just know you will survive this. We all do - but it just takes time.

Focus on the 20 month old. Enjoy this time as it will fly by and one day this 20 month old will be 20 lol.

Why are you planning to be the one that moves out? He needs to go. If you want nothing to do with him for now then he needs to leave. Simple. Why do you have to give your place of comfort up because of his disgusting behaviour. If however it is his house and he solely owns it then yes by all means move out. In my situation i moved out because nothiing in that house belong to me. Just the clothes on my back and a couple of suitcases. Please do not go anywhere as this will give him the chance to have more power over you especially if you need things from the house. You have been married 17 years and you will have 17 years of things in the house. Especially with a 20 month old. I have a toddler and I know exctly how much a toddler needs.

LIYA13, Thank your your reply.

I'm moving out because this house reminds me of our marriage and good times that we spent there. It's not my home any more. I've spent 17 years there living with person who had double life. I see it as years of inauthentic happiness. The betrayal makes me want to completely detach and start fresh. If it comes to divorce, I will not even ask to keep that house. Good thing is that we own a small condo, so that is where I am going to go with the baby after current renters move out.

I appreciate all of you for replying to me. Your words of encouragement mean everything to me right now.

You know exactly what youre doing and everyone has their own ways of dealing with this trauma that takes over our lives. Some people compare the death of a marriage to losing a loved one. You simply dont get over it. I am 5 years out. I havent got over it. Yes i went through all the stages you can imagine. seperation, Anger, swearing, fighting, nearly divorcing and finally 'accepting' that it happned. The A lasted 6 months with a co-worker and I knew my H since I was 20. He was my first everything and he was my best friend. I loved him whole heartedly. I trusted him with my life. I dont think I can anymore. I cant say its an easy process...because it is not. Its one of the hardest things ive been through and I cant even compare it to losing a loved one coz all my loved ones are alive and well. I wad blind slided by it just like many of us are. It takes a very long time to get to the acceptance stage and even though im 5 years out I still cant fully accept that he did this to me and he caused me such grief to the point I was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. Youre not the only one going through this. We have all been through it and we will all get through this together. Keep posting. Tell the full story when youre ready to say it. keep us updated and keep asking for advice.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Do you have a family member, close friend, or someone you can talk to .. This is such a hard time... I feel your pain. Just take it one day at a time. You will look back at some point down the road and say wow I was so strong, and you are. You will get through this and you will be okay. I will pray for ya. God Bless.

You don't have to live in the house but you're typically entitled to 50% of its value, as he's would be entitled to 50% of the condo, if the value or the house is much more you could be entitled to more money and still keep the small condo, or sell both, and even if you don't want to live there you could use it as leverage to ultimately get a much better deal, I suggest you wait for the asset division until you hire a D attorney.

I’m newish here too. 2 weeks from what I think everyone refers to as D-day. I have zero advice. Regarding the group’s approach? I’ve done practically everything I’ve been advised against and suspect I’ll limp back far more wounded as a result. BUT, one thing I can tell you that may bring an ounce of Hope regarding the acute and visceral pain? It dulls a teeny bit with time. I couldn’t eat, sleep, I honestly had difficulty breathing my first week. I’m not saying 2 weeks in it’s a ton better, but it’s a bit better. Sleep is still a big problem. I’m trying to exercise daily but missed the past two days…tomorrow? Back at it. Trust me it helps. My very heart goes out to you.

Thank you all again for replying.

I don't have a lot of people around me. I've always had a small group of carefully chosen friends. but since I have been stay at home mom for the last 20 months, that circle got even smaller. My whole family lives overseas and I am here literally by myself. I just can't talk to anyone about it except for my therapist. I feel so much shame about being fooled and believing that I had a good partner. He was incredibly good at hiding his second face for years. My family and friends love him and if they ever find out, they will be in total shock and disbelieve, just as I was.

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. For him, for his actions, for me for being clueless, naive and trusting. I understand that this should be his hame, not mine, but my mind is giving me confusing messages.

I think the worst thing is that he is extremely sorry and regularly begs for forgiveness explaining that he is getting professional help and trying to be a "better man". Yet, he is unable to tell me the WHOLE truth and some of the stories are different each time he tells them. Avoiding answering difficult questions, diverting and shifting blames are just some of the mind confusing techniques that he uses to protect his ego. These kind of manipulation techniques are so powerful and confuse my mind even more. Haven't I went thru enough already? I'm grieving for the peaceful life I had and I'm dealing with severe anxieties about the future for me and my baby. I wish he didn't love me and just left us alone, but unfortunately his love makes everything even worse and more difficult.

My baby keeps me busy, which is good. He is the reason I can make thru each day. It is my baby and support of all of you strangers and your kind words that help me to keep going. I appreciate you all so much.

I think the worst thing is that he is extremely sorry and regularly begs for forgiveness explaining that he is getting professional help and trying to be a "better man". Yet, he is unable to tell me the WHOLE truth and some of the stories are different each time he tells them. Avoiding answering difficult questions, diverting and shifting blames are just some of the mind confusing techniques that he uses to protect his ego.

What is your definition of extremely sorry?

There is a reason that he is 'unable' to tell you the whole truth.
There is a reason that he avoids answering questions.
There is a reason that he shifts blame.
And there is definitely a reason that he begs for forgiveness.

If you notice, NOT ONE of the above issues has to deal with your pain. And he is not withholding information to protect you. Unfortunately, these are ALL the traits of a partner who lacks remorse, and at this point just DOESN'T GET IT. Maybe he will in the future, but right now, his actions are showing otherwise.

He doesn’t love you as much as he loves himself.

He comes first.

He’s seeing your pain but refusing to be honest, stop the manipulation etc.

He’s not the guy you thought he was. Can he change? Sure he can. But he has to want to change.

Right now he’s more interested in lying and protecting himself. His ego, his lifestyle, his needs, etc. all come first.

I hope he pulls his head out of the sand before it’s too late.

MKaaa,

First I am sorry you are here. Sadly I too know what you are going through as we all do on some level but I wanted to focus on your questions and give you my opinion on moving forward after almost 5 years have passed since my own D-day. You asked:

When will it get better? When will the pain ease? When will my brain comprehend that the person I loved and trusted, that the father of my baby and my best friend, is the same person that caused the worst pain in my life?

These are tough questions and the answers vary, but I think there is a very common theme centering around your first question - when will this "get better." Healing yourself from this trauma really does require you to focus on you. My observations from reading and posting on this site (and from living it) is the faster BSes focus on themselves the faster they seem to feel better. This is a GENERALIZATION of course and everyone is different, but generally speaking and definitely in my own life, when I really started to let go of the outcome, accepting that I was unable to control what my WH was doing and what he would do, and began to really focus on what I was doing and what I was going to do for me going forward, the better I felt - because I felt like I had gained some control over my own life and I stopped focusing on things I could not control.

Someone on this site years ago said something like "the best way to remain in a state of confusion and disarray is to focus on things outside of your own control" and it's true - the more you focus on something or someone you cannot actually control, the more out of control you will feel. Making a plan for yourself is the best thing you can do right now - and continuing to focus on that plan, adjusting it and changing it to suit YOU, is necessary and will help make you feel better about your future.

Your next questions are more difficult: when will the pain ease? when will my brain comprehend? I would say re when would your brain comprehend that the answer is likely never - not completely. Unless you are capable of doing something like this you likely will not fully comprehend. I analogize it to suffering though and affair: until I actually experienced being betrayed by my WH I never would have been able to fully empathize with a betrayed spouse - not like I can now. I think trying to understand how or why your WS did this is similar - you will likely never be able to fully understand. I know to this day, aside from "understanding" my WH got a bigger dose of asshole and a much smaller helping of empathy when he was created, I don't really fully get "why" my WH did what he did to me and he and I have talked pretty frankly about a lot of what happened.

Which leaves the pain... And the pain is the hardest one. There are days, few and far between now that something will happen and I feel a pang of hurt but it's quick and passes almost as fast as it arrived. I go weeks and sometimes months without anything even reminding me of the A and of his betrayal ...but there are other people on here who are still struggling daily. IMO the pain goes away with time and with focus on yourself and getting right in your own space. My WH and I are still on speaking terms, and sort of still "date" occasionally in a very non-committal (for me) way from a distance - date in that we talk about things (non sexual things) intimately like a couple or like best friends but don't have much physical contact at all - but we have talked at length about the A and the false-R to the point I don't really have anything else to ask. He was horrible to me the year after discovery - false-R was a million times worse for me than the A itself - and I do believe I could have healed faster (and he likely would have pulled his head out of his ass faster too) had I been less invested in trying to R and more invested on trying to heal myself.

What I can tell you is this too shall pass. It will. I promise.

MKaaa
Hi! I'm sorry we are here but I hope you can take a little from everyone's responses.
I found out my wife had a 6 month affair over a year ago. It's been hard ever since but it has gotten easier with time. There will be the emotional rollercoaster. Angry, sad, self loathing, hatred and more. I totally understand you when you say you can't believe you picked the wrong guy or you feel like blaming yourself for not seeing it. That is because you are a good person who would not do something like this to someone you love. Feed on that. You are good. He is the snake.
In my case we are trying to work it out and it's a struggle. The one thing I've done is concentrate on me. I'm a different person now. I put on a show in public but I'm not the same guy. What does work for me and maybe will for you is...embrace what you need to get through this. Don't worry about his feelings. If it's answers you want, get them. If it's a divorce, do it. Whatever you need.
I refuse to give up my life and everything I built because she was weak. I will do what's best for me and I hope you will too.