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Newest Member: lrpprl

Divorce/Separation :
He made his choice. It wasn’t me.

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 BornYesterday (original poster new member #80421) posted at 3:04 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

I finally couldn’t take his refusal to speak with me (we live in separate states because his job just changed). So I drove 10 hours, sent him the most loving email when I arrived, and asked that he meet me for dinner so we could talk. He bellyached for almost an hour about his job while I sat and listened. Finally I said we needed to discuss why I was there. That I knew he was in a relationship with this married woman (he said he was). Hen I asked if her husband knew yet, he said no. He went on and on about what a terrible person he is (got caught on video having sex with THE woman who was a high profile client at work; he lost his job, the house, everything) And then he simply said "He felt we should move on." From 17 years of marriage. Just simple as can be. I told him I love him, had been so committed to our marriage, and then stood up and left. And drove the 10 hours back home in a daze. I kind of wouldn’t let myself feel much during the drive. But now that I’m alone? With our children? And had to suffer through telling them everything? I’m not just sad…I was prepared for sad. But I’m terrified. I’m 52. Was a SAHM with a part-time job I also had to leave after he was fired. The children leave for school in a few weeks. I’m so afraid right now that I can’t eat. Feel nauseous. Can’t sleep…every time my eyes close they jolt back open and my heart starts racing in terror. I’m just beside myself. Been reading so many of your posts here. I see this is normal. But when it’s happening to you? It’s the end of the world.

[This message edited by BornYesterday at 3:05 AM, Friday, August 5th]

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2022
id 8748263
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:35 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

It sure feels like the end of the world (((HUGS))). It is only the end of the world as you knew it. Your next world may be worlds BETTER! BUT you can't even imagine that at this point.

Talking to a lawyer will help you to see what the reality actually IS...and it may not be as bad as you imagine.

IF it is...what are you most scared of? Find out what you need to be able to conquer it...and then set about doing it smile . For ME...it was working two jobs...and losing my health insurance until I could afford it again...but the PEACE and RELIEF I felt from being able to be FREE from my 1st cheating husband was well worth it!

I then found a wonderful man who became my 2nd H! After 28 years...he became a cheater too. But he learned from his bad choices and we are back on a path that we LOVE being on!

Grieve as much as YOU need to Dear Lady...but when you are stronger...go out and explore your NEW world!! This time...YOU get to make it what YOU want it to be grin !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8748266
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 4:07 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

BornYesterday:

Very sorry for your pain.(((Hugs))). It feels like the end of the world now, but time is your ally. Most importantly take care of you and get support. Keep posting and get real life support. I have learned from reading your posts that you are resourceful, smart and determined. You have managed a household, children, and your job while living long distance from your WH. You are stronger than you think.

You have taken good steps: consulted an attorney, got a boarding school for your children and have taken care of your health.

Next, expose your WH’s A to the OBS. Don’t believe a word your WH says about him. He deserves to know. Apparently they are quite wealthy. Makes no difference. Tell him.

You have been supportive of your WH and his career. Take pride in your efforts. Your WH, regardless of his purported mental illness, is solely responsible for his betrayal of you and his family. Follow your attorneys advice. Get angry. From what you have shared, your WH took advantage of your distance relationship, to set up a love grotto with a coworker for illicit sex. He got caught and fired for his horrible decisions over time. Proceed with D promptly and get what you are legally entitled to under the law.

No contact means no new hurts. Don’t engage with him. Practice gray rock. Only communicate on D matters and custody. If it were me I would let my attorney handle it. Your WH is a skilled con artist. He carried on a double life for years. I’m sure he is counting on his AP to get a huge settlement if and when she divorces her wealthy H. Remember you are the prize. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3211   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8748268
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:42 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

I’m so sorry. I wish I could say more but for right now, I’m so sorry I’d s out all there is.

May he wake up before it’s too late.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12307   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8748271
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LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 3:10 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

BornYesterday

To have a wife who would drive 10 hours to see him AFTER how badly he hurt her... and then to prefer to be with a cheating woman...

What a jerk. Obviously still in the fog.

I think of all betrayed spouses, then ones who get the worst of it are stay-at-home spouses. They put most of their careers on hold and invest in the family, only to have it fall apart.

BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

Filing for D

posts: 178   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8748332
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:25 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Your feelings are normal. And it seems so scary. But you are strong and you are smart and you are resourceful. We read the post by far east —— lots of good advice there.

If you feel your anxiety is getting out of control, then see your doctor. Some of us have needed a little help for short periods of time to get us through. No shame in that.

And read the post pinned to the top of this forum about fears versus reality. It’s uncanny how true this is.

You’re going to make it through this and you’re going to be fine. Trust all those who come before you and know that you are strong and capable and you’re going to be OK.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8748346
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 BornYesterday (original poster new member #80421) posted at 6:52 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Thanks all. I finally had to ask my doctor for a prescription. Just to try and give me a moment to sleep or eat something. Who knew it was possible to lose 10 lbs in 3 days? Wow. I appreciate all of the kind words. It's so hard to not reach out to him and beg. But I need to retain whatever ounce of dignity I have left. I keep trying to push aside magical thinking " She'll never leave her husband and throw their marriage into this position." "He'll see the light and beg for another chance." I know it's all beyond he realm of possibility. I also know he has NO clue the extent of the damage he's caused. To us and to himself. He's been on a completely destructive path since his affair began in November.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2022
id 8748420
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 8:00 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

I am so sorry you find yourself in this bad situation.

Have you thought of telling her husband? He NEEDS and deserves to know. That might break up their little party and after some fog lifts, he might realize what a PRIZE he has in you - but hopefully by then you will have moved on because you do deserve so much better.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3234   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8748432
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 9:50 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

So very, very sorry that he hurt you like that. Hurt doesn't begin to describe it, does it? Decimated. Destroyed. Abandoned. Such awful things to go through. And yes, it's scary AF sometimes.

I'm glad you saw your doctor for help. You'll need to really focus on good self care right now. I won't tell you to eat because, hey been there and appetite will return. Drink fluids and protein shakes.

Rally your troops. You need your people now. Family, friends, clergy. Confide in a few (or more if you'd like) and talk to them. You need a release valve for the anxiety. You need to know you are not alone in this world. You need comfort and love.

Give meditation a try. You don't have to be good at it. There are plenty of free apps. The music, the breathing, the "time out" can help soothe your nerves even if it's just for 20 minutes. Give your mind and body every break from this nightmare that you can.

Do anything else that gives your pleasure or comfort. It may only take your mind off of things for a minute but eventually it will be five and then 20 and so on and so on. Every moment of respite from the pain and anxiety is helping your mind and body heal. String together as many as you can.

Whatever happens, you need you. Self care helps you deal and get stronger. Whatever path you choose, you will need that.

posts: 206   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8748456
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