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Just Found Out :
Ok, here we go....


 BornYesterday (original poster new member #80421) posted at 3:04 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

I apologize in advance for length of post and my lack of familiarity with abbreviations. My spouse and I have been married 17 years and managing a long distance living arrangement for the past 5 of those years. It has been terribly challenging but was a decision we made to ensure the children had access good schools. During that time we'd worked together to find a job for my Spouse that would reunite our family--his job is site specific, my career is slightly more flexible. After 8 grueling years (we lived together for the first 3) he finally landed a dream job in a better location. I was able to find work with the same group as he and life on paper was grand. We bought a second house (we've held onto our original which is a family home in my name...thank God), found a great school for our children, and began our new adventure. We weren't together 3 months before I noticed things were really off between my spouse and I. I chalked it up to 5 years apart having taken a toll, both of us had very high-stress new jobs, we need to get used to living under the same roof again, etc. On the eve of his one-year work anniversary, I told him I felt I needed to leave my job for ethical reasons unrelated to anything relevant to this post. He was supportive and I drafted my letter of resignation. The following day, he announced that an immediate subordinate of his was fired for engaging in sexual relations with a client in the workplace; he'd been caught on security footage. My spouse and I felt terrible for him, agreed he'd made a stupid choice, etc. And life moved ahead...for maybe 3 days, until I came home from work to discover my spouse had been fired. His explanation was that his company had "lost faith in his ability to manage his team". Since he made 75% of our income, I knew what this meant for us. We placed our house on the market the following day and I resigned my positions. But I continued to stress to him that I didn't feel he was telling me the entire story about his termination. He insisted he had...While I kept repeating over the weeks that nothing made was an endless cycle I began feeling guilty about, yet I felt there was more. But onward we had to go. So hecbegan a job search that was hot straight out of the gate. But mysteriously, one opportunity after another went suddenly cold. People simply stopped returning calls. I couldn't understand it, but his business is notoriously brutal, and so I chalked it up to an industry matter and the fact no one wanted to hire anyone who'd just been let go. He eventually found a job--not great, huge pay cut, terrible location--but it was a job. We sold the house, I moved back to my family home with the children to take care of an elderly parent who was about to have major surgery and to ride out the end of their school year. My spouse moved to his new job and decided to live temporarily in a hotel as the housing market there is particularly volatile. So, if you made it this far? Thanks for sticking with me. This is where things truly went off the rails. The night before my parent's surgery, I received a panicked phone call from a friend who was on vacation. "Was I alright? What had he done to me?" She was hearing terrible things about my husband at a dinner party, was calling from the bathroom, and didn't know how to respond. She told me she'd heard he'd been caught having sex with a high profile client on surveillance and been fired. I assured her that it was instead his subordinate and everything was fine with us. That's when she dropped the, the word on the street was that BOTH of them had been caught with different women. That they'd been using a work facility as their personal love grotto. I was horrified but STILL insisted this must be wrong. Since my spouse happened to be in town for a visit (this was again the eve of my parent's major surgery) I called him into the room to share with him the news of this horrible rumor! Well, he was incredulous. “How dare they! Of all the nerve. Simply untrue.” But the more he spoke, the more I pushed...I’d always suspected he'd not told me the entire story...could this have been it?! The horrible, god-awful truth?! I pressed him for 2.5 hours and he finally caved. Indeed, he too was caught on tape having sex with a client and was fired because of it. He and the woman had been having an affair for several began 3 months after our family reunited. So on no sleep, I sat silent with my family in the hospital the following day absolutely sick to my stomach. Who was this man? How could be be so thoughtless? So cruel? We'd lost nearly everything. I was simply ill. That night he announced he “wanted to work on our marriage. The affair was over the day he was fired. He loved us but knew he needed help. blah, blah, blah.” I agreed to try to work on things if he sought some help. And so back to work he went, I thought intent of saving our marriage. I've since seen him only once to finalize the sale of the house and to move out our belongings. Half went to my family home and I sent half with him. I pointed out to him that he'd not sought the help he swore he would...but he said work was grueling and he'd get to it. He still wanted to work on things. And once again, off we went on our separate ways. That was in the beginning of June. Since that time? He has virtually ceased communication with not only me but with our teenage children. He will return my texts re. financial or other housekeeping matters but will not take my calls or theirs. This "ghosting" as the kids call it is as painful as discovering the affair if not more so. I sent him a text yesterday explaining how much this behavior is hurting us all and that I prayed he was getting help. His only response was to say that he'd "ruined absolutely everything and was so sorry". I told him we missed him, understood he was upset, but that his silence was only making things worse. So that brings me to today. I've scheduled an appointment with an attorney for this week to try and prepare myself for the worst. I've taken my savings and placed both children in boarding school to ensure that they won't get bounced around from place-to-place again, to buffer them a bit from what I believe will be a horrific year ahead, and to prepare for the flexibility I'll need to return to work full-time while continuing to serve as their sole caregivers (which I've been their entire lives). I'm trying like mad to hold myself together and waiting for our new health insurance following spouse's 90 day probationary period to kick in so that I can get some therapy for myself. So to wrap up what I believe is likely your longest post ever? I'm unclear whether or not I can get over the affair, the lies, and now the emotional abandonment. But I would like to try. In the meantime, I'm concerned about his well-being as there is a family history of severe mental illness. I've reached out to his siblings to ask that they connect with him--sharing only that I'm deeply concerned about his well-being. But he isn't returning their calls either. I'm completely unclear what to do next but feel like a hollow, needy, lifeless shell of the woman I was. If you finished this read? I greatly appreciate you extending the compassion to do so. I think getting this down on paper may have been a critical step in itself.

[This message edited by BornYesterday at 8:09 PM, Monday, July 11th]

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2022
id 8744187

Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 3:29 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

Wow, that's awful. I'm gathering that both you and your spouse are fairly high achieving individuals. Certainly you sound that way through your writing. The observation is only relevant because it sounds like your spouse is spiraling in a vortex of self destructive behavior, which is a horrible position for you. The awfulness of your position is of course magnified exponentially by the trauma arising from the reality that part of his behavior involves infidelity. I'm so sorry.

However, I do think there is an element of triage you are forced to confront short term, given the stage of your children's development, the fact that there is an heirloom family home at risk, etc. Marriage is, among other things, a financial entanglement. Your assets are potentially exposed to his liabilities. It sounds like he is creating multiple profound liabilities. I rarely suggest immediate, emergency divorce, but I am suggesting this here, purely to preserve and protect your (and your family's) financial resources from the obligations he may be creating via his self-destructive behavior.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3939   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8744192

 BornYesterday (original poster new member #80421) posted at 3:47 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

Butforthegrace, I truly appreciate the feedback. And you're most likely correct. I don't believe he'd intentionally hurt us financially, but...I agree, I'm concerned. I'm trying to work calmly with him to resolve a current financial matter, but he is dragging his feet and it is worrisome. I recognize the post made us sound rather successful, but in the world I'm from, we're small, small potatoes. I do need to protect myself however. And he does have a history of some financial recklessness. I just honestly am sad to the core. I actually loved our marriage. I loved him. I loved being a family. I'm 52 and have zero interest in the loneliness of living in rural isolation while caring alone for two aging parents and attempting to launch career version 3.0. And now I just sound like I'm whining....blah.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2022
id 8744194

Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 3:59 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

A similar circumstance occurred in my family, plus the added fact that the philandering, spiraling-in-self-destructive-behavior husband died an untimely death in his mid-50's, caused by bad lifestyle choices. After he died, creditors came out of the woodwork. Lawsuits. Liens. Seizures. Etc.

The widow (my relative) lost the family home and most of her savings. The family really struggled until the kids reached adulthood, and the widow (my relative) has had very poor health since then, clearly the result of the strain.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3939   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8744196

 BornYesterday (original poster new member #80421) posted at 4:21 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

Butforthegrace, I'm now even more horrified than before but you've opened my eyes to a matter I'd only considered in passing. How naive of me. As I understand neither one of us yet meets the residency requirements of either state in which to file for divorce. I pray my attorney is savvy enough to figure out what to do here. There must be some way to buffer yourself from an out of control spouse. As if this situation could get any worse? I've learned it always, always can. I appreciate your candor even though I now feel far worse! Yikes!

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2022
id 8744198

BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 4:26 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

Good lord, Born. I am not sure what your husband is going through, but I am 100 % sure you need to insulate yourself and your kids from it. You sound intelligent, capable, and action-oriented -- I love to see that. People respond in wildly different ways to being betrayed. I was like a deer in the headlights, afraid to take any action whatsoever. You have already made big moves, despite dealing with betrayal. I am living vicariously through your strength.

Your husband is not who he put himself out there to be. It was easy for him to keep the mask on, as you were living separately for so long. He could let you believe he was whoever you wanted him to be Who he is NOW is who he actually is. He has shown himself. In fact, seemingly everyone in his industry now knows who he is. You need to base your decision-making on who he has proven himself to be, rather the person that you fell in love with/who he pretended to be.

It sucks. But if you keep making moves and putting one foot in front of the other, you WILL be fine. This will all be a shitty memory one day. Keep posting here. I feel like your instincts are dead-ass accurate, and you can trust your own judgement, but we can offer support as we have all been there in one capacity or another.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 222   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8744199

 BornYesterday (original poster new member #80421) posted at 4:41 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

Thanks for the feedback, BigMammaJamma (your user name makes me smile). The last thing I feel is strong at this stage, so hearing anyone suggest I am helps. It helps me see a side of myself I thought had slipped away. Lawyer day can't get here soon enough.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2022
id 8744206

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:06 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

I’m sorry for you. And your children.

Your H may be fleeing your M b/c of shame. He just wants to be a coward AND a victim and do nothing. Hide. Retreat. Pretend it didn’t happen.

Rather than man up and face the truth. It’s possible he is still cheating and it’s possible he is not.

To protect yourself I suggest you close any and all joint credit card accounts. You do not want to be responsible for his running up debt. Let him get cards in his own name.

Likewise you should restrict access to joint bank accounts to protect you.

I’m sorry that your H won’t get some counseling or help in dealing with all of this. You sound like a very kind person who is deeply concerned for him. Too bad he’s hiding b/c he could use your help.

Sadly there’s not much you can do to make him talk to you. I hope he snaps out of it soon and sees that he needs his family.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8744214

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:27 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

He's not giving you anything to work with when he's not taking your calls. For all you know, the affair could be ongoing and he might be racking up debt behind your back. You really should talk to an attorney and find out what you can do to mitigate your financial risks. One thing you can do on your own is freeze your credit. Look up key words, "how to freeze my credit" and you should find some resources online.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think your best bet right now is to take care of the practical things which are within your purview and to protect your financial security as best you can. Your kids are going to need lots of emotional support as well, since your WS isn't just flaking out on you, he's flaking out on them. Remember this too... you are at no obligation to be his secret keeper. Work on getting together an emotional support network for you and the kids. Tell your key people (the ones who always know when something is wrong) what's happened. You won't be able to fool them anyway. You can share the burden with key members of your WH's family as well. He's not answering your calls so you can't be sure what his mental healthy status might be. IMHO, it's better to share that out than to feel like you're solely responsible for his well-being. You're not, obviously. He's a grown man. But sometimes it really does feel like it, and you don't need that kind of stress right not.


BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5750   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8744221

3yrsout ( member #50552) posted at 6:00 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

His shame makes him an inappropriate candidate for reconciliation at this time.

When his focus shifts away from himself and self-loathing, and back onto you and the kids, which is where it needs to be- that will be your sign that you can briefly entertain the thought of maybe considering the remote possibility that he managed to extract his head from his sigmoid colon. Even then, I’d advise against reconciliation, one woman to another. It doesn’t end well for us.

Shame=do not reconcile.

Get a good shark attorney. Maybe you can get him for abandonment?

His head had to be soooo far up his ass to risk his job… Reconciliation with him would be like excavating the entire Moab desert (his colon) in order to find the single grain of sand which is his brain. Hot, sweaty, and not worth it.

You’ve lived without him. Other than money, (which is a moot point since he’s been canned), what’s in it for you?

Sorry he’s not there yet.

posts: 644   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2015
id 8744226

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:04 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

It is very hard to stand by and watch someone you love make the biggest mistake of their lives.

However you cannot R with someone who has ghosted you and your kids.

So sorry for you. Right now you can only protect yourself.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8744239

ThisIsSoLonely ( member #64418) posted at 8:49 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

BornYesterday - first of all, I am so sorry you have to be here. All of us know how that first post is (and if it makes you feel better I think mine was longer by a mile and not because I had anything particularly necessary to say and instead rambled on for pages and pages - sometimes you have to just get it out).

Second, I can empathize with your situation re: the workplace affair. My WS decided to have an affair at the workplace. Both the AP and her husband worked with my WS AND he had been friends with her husband long before either of them knew her (the AP met her husband at work). My WS was in their wedding. His workplace is very tight knit, very specialized, and there is only two employers in the country that employs people with his job - and only 8 locations nationwide that do his specific job w/in that field, and it's like high school in those 8 groups - a very small group of people working together every single day in close quarters - everyone knows everything about everyone eventually. Yet through all of that my WH and the AP managed to have a full blown sexual affair that took place 99% AT THE WORKPLACE for 2 1/2 years off and on, and frequently their communications and sexual exploits took place while the AP's husband was at work as well. They were addicted in part to the excitement of getting caught I'm pretty sure (blowjobs in the parking lot, mutual masturbation via hands under tables while other people were in the same room with them - you name it, they did it). One of the things they seemed to enjoy the most was sexting with each other while sitting in the break room with others (including her husband) present until one of them would excuse themselves, go to the bathroom, make a video call and masturbate while the other one staying the break room and watched, hiding their phone from everyone else who was present, then when they would return the other would excuse themselves to the restroom to return the "favor".

Yeah, it was f-ed up and disgusting, just like your situation. I'm guessing that your WH having had an affair at the workplace also got off on the thrill of the potentially getting caught. The only difference between your situation and mine is that while my WH was caught in that everyone at his workplace found out and he became a pariah (as his co-workers were also the entirely of his off work social network, it was pretty difficult for him - he still does not get invited to anything by anyone from his work and he used to hang out with those people weekly), he did not suffer economic consequences. Where he works is a "good ole boys" type place and while his supervisors found out it was after the fact as the A was already over (and the AP and her husband divorced) and nothing much came of it.

All that being said, it is doubtless that your WS is in crisis mode. My WH certainly was when everyone found out. He went though anger, self pity, depression, and now there isn't a single day he does not talk about quitting forever to the point he has hastened his financial planning, saving every cent in order to retire in 7 years instead of the 15. For the most part when it all blew up (several co-workers point blank called him and asked if the A was true - when he said yes they all got off the phone quickly and haven't said much to him since) he did not share with me what was happening at his work, in part because he did not want to rehash it I'm sure (and did not want to hear me say "I told you so" as when I first found out about the A but prior to the year + of false R I told him it was all going to blow up in his face and ruin his career or make the workplace miserable for him), but - as he later told me (and by later I mean several years) he was ashamed of what he had done and how he had fucked up my life and his own. In my WH's case, it took a long time for him to be able to talk about it and accept that he is no longer a part of the work place social group like he once was and he's never going to be. I think the pandemic saved him (his coworkers found out a week before lockdown in 2020 and they segregated people as best as possible so he went from working on a team of 20-30 to working with one other person for over a year) otherwise he may have run away as your WS seems to have done.

Is it shame? Embarasment? Damage control? Wanting to do some kind of reset and "Start over" as he can't go back to who he was before? Who knows - what you do know is that you need to take control of what you can.

I am not sure of where you are but you can file for a separation in some states which can help divide and protect marital assets to the extent you are concerned about them if you don't want to file for divorce. But more important than money, to me at least, was my mental health. You can't make him talk to you. You can't make him do much of anything. You can decide how you want to proceed. How long do you want to wait for him to reach out? I get that you are concerned - has any of his family tried to physically see him - does he need an intervention of sorts? If so, who is the best person (aka the person most likely to be able to talk to him)?

I'm sorry you are going though this and I know I have more questions than answers - I wrote in part because I see some similarities in our stories and I KNOW how much it all weighs on you.

"Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human." - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8744258

hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 9:08 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

It was a workplace affair that ended my marriage. Ex was AP's boss as well as her husband's boss. And her husband was married when he met her. so many broken marriages due to her. All lost their jobs.

I speak from experience here. Take 50% of everything in joint accounts and open an account in your name only. If you need to, pay half the bills, half taxes, half kids boarding school tuition and he pays the other half. My ex emptied two very large joint accounts.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 715   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8744260

 BornYesterday (original poster new member #80421) posted at 10:22 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

You all have been absolutely outstanding. This is precisely the calm, sage advice I need at the moment I feel my everything around me is in chaos. My heart breaks for each of you who have walked this road. It is gut-wrenching. But you’ve given me the first glimmers of hope I’ve had in a long time. Hope that I’ll somehow pull through this (couldn’t it just have happened when I was younger and hotter?! Uugh!). I also appreciate that you’ve all mentioned words of concern for him. It’s easy to cast dispersions but it’s his immediate health and my immediate financial security I’m most concerned with at this point….not the long term viability of our marriage. I think the one comment I was confused by in the posts was about his Shame making it difficult for him to approach working toward reconciliation. Is this because Shame is somehow paralyzing? Is this a commonly agreed upon matter?

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2022
id 8744268

 BornYesterday (original poster new member #80421) posted at 10:26 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

Quick question re. responses: is there a way to respond to individual comments rather than to the entire thread? If so, I’m unclear how to do that.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2022
id 8744269

fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 10:58 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

To try and answer your question, shame can certainly be paralyzing if your WH is not willing to open himself up and face what he has done to the one person he promised faithfulness. It really comes down to attitude. Seeing you, the BW, can be a constant reminder of his betrayal and he feels shame. But he does not have to drown in shame. He could use it as a spur to work on his brokenness and rebuild trust. To truly work on R, in my opinion, it requires humility and the ability as one poster put it: “to own one’s shit!” No defensiveness. No blameshifting. I am sorry to say it appears your WH is taking the easy way out and avoiding making amends. He will find he can never run away from his actions no matter how much he ghosts his family.

You are doing well. Stay strong. Be there for your children. Rely on your support system. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 6:43 PM, July 11th (Monday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3211   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8744273

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 11:19 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

I'm sorry you had to find us but glad you did, IMHO at this point you don't have much to work with, he's not even returning your calls, these are typical signs the A could be ongoing, I understand you're worried about him, but he's a grown man and a proven cheater and liar, your hands are full with the kids and that should be your priority, and since you are already talking to a lawyer I suggest you file for D and have him served, if D papers don't shock him back to reality then nothing will, and if so then just let the D process run its course (you can always stop it (or not !) if he comes around.

posts: 2611   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8744276

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 12:35 AM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

Quick question re. responses: is there a way to respond to individual comments rather than to the entire thread? If so, I’m unclear how to do that.

You can use the quote function if you like. Just copy and paste the portion of text you want to reference, then highlight it again and click the quotation mark icon above. When you're done, it will look like this:

[qu0te]portion of text[/qu0te] I've misspelled the word "quote" so you can see what it should look like before you preview your message.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5750   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8744281

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 12:54 AM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

I think the one comment I was confused by in the posts was about his Shame making it difficult for him to approach working toward reconciliation. Is this because Shame is somehow paralyzing? Is this a commonly agreed upon matter?

There's shame and then there's shame, right? It takes time for a WS to absorb the magnitude of what they've done and to learn about what kind of damage it has caused in the betrayed spouse... and they have to have some intellectual curiosity about that too. In R, it can become a problem and interfere in the WS's progress as he works to rebuild character, but for right now, that kind of shame is a later-on-down-the-pike kind of problem. Right now, it's a more primal kind of shame, more like acute embarrassment and possibly mixed in with an assumed resignation that there's no path back to the marriage.

It's also possible that your WH is utterly shameless and is more concerned with continuing his affair than saving his marriage. It's fairly rare that a cheater will come out and say that though. This early, they're typically very concerned with what you might do legally and what an admission of infidelity and abandonment might mean in court.

So, it's really hard to know what's going on when the WS has ghosted you this way. I think one option would be to spend some time thinking about what you would need from him in order to consider keeping the door open to R. Those kind of things might include a No Contact letter to the AP, individual counseling with a reputable therapist, possibly a post-nup if that's a thing in your jurisdiction, transparency on tech gadgets, emails, and apps, etc. Once you've got a pretty good idea of what you need from him, you can then discuss it with him and see where his head is at. If he's still ignoring you though, I think you'll have to assume that he WANTS to split but doesn't want to be the bad guy and say so. He's ALREADY the bad guy though, so my advice would be bear that in mind. He cannot continue this marriage without your consent. R is a two-person job, and just as you can't do it alone, neither can he.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5750   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8744285

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 1:05 AM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

Since you and your children have been completely abandoned by your cheating spouse, I recommend you quickly divorce. Even if he wanted to come back, why would you take a man who would do this to you AND to his children?

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8744287
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